To think that single parenthood is traumatic for parent and children?

[Hallomi]

I don't mean the title to sound goady or Inflammatory, I am a single parent myself. I just stood in the kitchen, and it came into my head. It can be more than stressful and pressurised, it can be traumatic. I know there are an abundance of research articles into the increased likelihood of this and decreased likelihood of that, and I'd always attempted to balance these arguments in my head (we're warm,fed,safe,quiet,I've got an education and ambition, relatively stable), but you can't argue away that you're on your own, and some of what CAN accompany that is traumatic, like a low income and being supplemented by benefits, having less control your life (having to tell benefits everything about yourself and any changes), judgement from others (which has happened quite a lot to me).

"I need some help. So in the physical sense it is traumatic. They have to stash the bloody dishwasher, make the occasional meal and wash the dog."
Is this what passes for trauma these days?
Seriously?
Helping around the house is not traumatic.
My ds has got 2 loving parents thanks.
Nothing traumatic about it.

@Joeblack066 I'm not telling you you've traumatised your child at all. I agreed with a pp, the title should have said CAN be traumatic. I also agree no one should stay In a difficult relationship, so absolutely not, I'm not saying YOU traumatised your child.

@Blubellsarebells

"I need some help. So in the physical sense it is traumatic. They have to stash the bloody dishwasher, make the occasional meal and wash the dog." Is this what passes for trauma these days? Seriously? Helping around the house is not traumatic. My ds has got 2 loving parents thanks. Nothing traumatic about it.

this is what i thought on reading that post too, strange

Possibly true. The reasons for the break up and aftermath are probably the most traumatic, and I imagine that’s what causes damage. I speak only from personal experience, though.

Nah not really. I mean anyone can be traumatised by all manner of things, I suppose but not me personally, being a single parent, no.

I’m slightly reeling from the idea that having to stack a dishwasher is “traumatic”.

I mean, I don’t even have a dishwasher.

@emilyfrost yes. Undoubtedly. Statistics show that everyone raised by two parents is mentally well adjusted and absolutely perfectly fine thank you very much. Anyone whose ever been raised by one parent? Fucked. Not a chance in the world, sadly.

Hold tight to your DH Emily, he's the only thing keeping your kids mentally healthy!!

I much prefer being a single parent than in a relationship. No more disappointments, no more walking on eggshells. My child is thriving. She no longer sees her mum getting a beating off her dad. I'm not on benefits. Financially it's stressful, but it would have been anyway in a relationship

I’m a single parent. I’m on a fairly decent salary so I don’t get benefits.
I actually think I have more choices, I can do pretty much what I want. The DC’s are safe, secure and loved by both parents. I think it’s a much calmer life than lots of my married friends family life.

@emilyfrost

YANBU. It’s not advantageous for any child to be raised by a single parent.

Yes, the child is better off with a single parent than living with an abusive one, but the fact of the matter is it isn’t healthy and no child will grow up as well adjusted or emotionally stable as if they had the better chance of two loving parents.

But of course single parents like to deny that because they don’t want to hear it 🤷‍♀️

Oh do fuck off dear. We can see right through your goady post

@Blubellsarebells

"I need some help. So in the physical sense it is traumatic. They have to stash the bloody dishwasher, make the occasional meal and wash the dog." Is this what passes for trauma these days? Seriously? Helping around the house is not traumatic. My ds has got 2 loving parents thanks. Nothing traumatic about it.

I'm actually gobsmacked that anyone claims that's traumatic Surely that's part of family life

Claiming stacking the dishwasher is traumatic minimises actual trauma!!!

I think YABU OP. Although yes inherently it can be bloody hard, especially in the early years, it's not a patch on being in an abusive relationship around a dangerous and/or abusive partner, which is infinitely potentially more traumatic for kids, or even compared to any relationship where the parents are not happy - bitching at each other, angry or just generally upset - this is not healthy and not healthier than single parenting. That said I've had some bloody difficult times as a LP when DS was a baby to school age, and at times have thought I was losing the plot due to stress! but DS is fairly steady and happy and we are both lucky that it's fine now.

One of my best friend’s Dad used to beat his Mother regularly in front of them all, he occasionally would turn on them too. I think he was pretty relieved when his Mum fled, he’d take having a single mum any day over that bastard being around. He had a lovely, close relationship with his Mum until she sadly died far too young from breast cancer last year.

So yeah, I think abusive marriages are far more traumatising and damaging to children than a single parent.

It’s all about the quality of care from a child’s primary care-giver rather than the quantity of care-givers. The 22-year-old daughter of a single parent yesterday wowed the world by reciting her self-penned poem at the inauguration of President Joe Biden. I imagine that Amanda Gorman’s single mother is feeling somewhat proud and vindicated today. And she probably gives zero fucks about whether she’s judged as a single mother.

Honestly, I’m a much older mum and I despair when I read half the threads on here from women partnered with little boys in the guise of men who refuse to tend to their babies because they are frittering away their lives playing violent video games with strangers on the other side of the world. At the other end of the socio-economic divide, there are fathers who opt out of parenting by ‘working’ around the clock. What use are these ‘parents’ to their infants and children; how can they be positive role models?

It’s lazy stereotyping to write off the children of single parents: being the son of a single mother didn’t seem to hinder Barack Obama in his achievement as the 44th president of the USA (despite being of mixed ethnicity).

I probably sound slightly defensive as I am a single parent through choice, but by a standard Mumsnet measure, whereby academic achievement appears to be exalted above all else, my own child is defying the statistics as a high achiever at a super-selective grammar school.

@emilyfrost

As the child of a single parent I disagree. I'm fine thanks.

Waxonwaxoff0 Of course you disagree You’re not going to agree either because you don’t want to admit it or you won’t acknowledge it in yourself, but nobody raised by a single parent is as emotionally well adjusted or as mentally healthy as they could be if they were raised by two loving parents.

Well emiliyfrost, you don’t seem too well adjusted yourself! Were you raised to be so judgmental and nasty? My children are certainly not being raised that way.

FFS none of us are single for the same reasons. My husband died. My children experienced grief related trauma as did I but to say they are traumatised because I am a single parent is highly insulting.

@SmaugMum that post was like a breath of fresh air...thank you.

I often feel that as a woman and Mother, and resident parent, you know the one that sticks around and does the heavy lifting...I'm almost penalised for it, for example, the Dad who came to tell me off this week, or not being given certain tasks at work because "you won't be able to stay late enough" , or being told by a friend "I never want to be a single parent".

But always better to be single than in an unhappy relationship, as I said. My mother was with a man for 13 years when I was young, and I spent 13 years walking on eggshells and being afraid...and I would never put my children through that...my Mum did because she had little earning power and any relationship was better than being alone.

@emilyfrost that’s an incredibly nasty post.

I don't think so in the right environment the DC will flourish.
Any home that is safe, warm, peaceful is a happy home.
My single DM friends DC are mostly grown up/teens they've a brilliant relationship with their DC.
It can be traumatic if DM brings regular men into the home in search of a father replacement or relationship but ends up with lots of user men.
Emily never surprises me with her obnoxious posts

It is hard and can be emotionally lonely I think. There is a lot of stress in realising that your children are completely dependent on you and only you. It’s a worry to know that if anything happened to me, my children would be orphans. Discipline can also be more difficult which came as a surprise to me but is apparently common. Time is another issue as the same jobs need completing so you are working twice as hard and then trying to make time for your children too.
Generally though, my children are happy and doing well. They are both at grammar school so defying that stereotype. I have also found I am quite happy after recognising the above difficulties and making adjustments in my life. There are lots of problematic relationships and marriages and I would think that was a harder situation.

We're all single parents for different reasons I ran DD after suffering DV and he broke my arm
Emily frost. Bullshit lovey you have no idea what others go through!

It can be but then so can being in a bad marriage, and I know which one I'd prefer.

As with anything, it depends on circumstances and what the people involved make of it.

I certainly never found it traumatic.....hard work, tiring and exhausting, yes, but never traumatic. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I had a good job, fantastic friends, family support and an amazing bond with my son. Wouldn't change a thing. In fact, he's an adult now, but I'd go back to the younger years in a heartbeat.

@emilyfrost

YANBU. It’s not advantageous for any child to be raised by a single parent.

Yes, the child is better off with a single parent than living with an abusive one, but the fact of the matter is it isn’t healthy and no child will grow up as well adjusted or emotionally stable as if they had the better chance of two loving parents.

But of course single parents like to deny that because they don’t want to hear it 🤷‍♀️

Wow.....you really are a twit.

I won't justify your stupidity with any further response.