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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not hide it from his family?

144 replies

bun2021sept · 19/01/2021 16:43

So me and my childs father are having another, wasn't planned and we were not in an official relationship at the time of conception (long story, we were stupid over the christmas period when he came to see our child).
Since we found out he's gone off the rails, sleeping with an escort he met on tinder (not just sleeping but spending days at their flat, going missing and turning his phone off). He missed out on our childs birthday a few days ago because he was there. So as you can imagine I'm quite annoyed over that although I have to say in his personal life.

He's begging me to not tell any of his family that I'm pregnant as they will 'disown him' and 'hate him'. He says that he wants nothing to do with our eldest child anymore either as he cannot trust me as I'm not having an abortion. Any advice on what I should do next? I have his family on fb so I think he expect me to hide them from seeing my posts about the newcomer, AIBU if I don't keep it a secret from them? I feel I have nothing to hide but I'm also worried that I'm acting ignorant and petty.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/01/2021 16:49

I rather think that's the least of your worries. Are you prepared for single parenthood with 2 DC, have you considered the effect on your older DC?

User0ne · 19/01/2021 16:49

Yanbu except for being attracted to such an arse

Bekilted · 19/01/2021 16:50

Get yourself an STD test asap

Notimeforaname · 19/01/2021 16:53

Yes get tested..please.

You can tell his family. You can tell who you want regardless of if you're keeping it or not.

Dont let his man control a single thing you do .
Do exactly what you WANT

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/01/2021 16:53

Surely it’s 9 odd months off till you have to worry about people seeing this baby on Facebook. I’d worry about having a baby with such a loser. And it’s not an accident if you have sex without contraception Hmm

Notimeforaname · 19/01/2021 16:58

He's begging me to not tell any of his family that I'm pregnant as they will 'disown him' and 'hate him'. He says that he wants nothing to do with our eldest child anymore either as he cannot trust me as I'm not having an abortion. Any advice on what I should do next?

I would tell his family all of this.

I would tell anyone willing to listen.

I would squeal to everyone that he is trying to control and manipulate you by isolating you and threatening you.

So you do the opposite.
You tell everyone what he is doing and saying.

Alwayswrongneverright · 19/01/2021 16:59

Does his family not have anything to do with your oldest, wouldn't they notice why he's stopped being involved with his other child and ask why?

ktp100 · 19/01/2021 17:16

Any man who says they don't want to see their child is a pure arsehole.

I wouldn't be doing him any favours at all. Not only would I tell his family you're pregnant, I'd tell them he's threatening to not see his 1st child too. Not many people would look awfully favourably on that!

What a vile piece of work.

Maybe not sleep with him again, really!!

Original poster
bun2021sept · 19/01/2021 17:18

I do believe I am mentally prepared to bring up 2 children while being single, I'll be getting an STD test although we had only slept together once (using condoms as contraception) at the time of conception, I've been off BC for 3 years as I've been single and not sexually active the entire time.

It is months away that the child will be here, but as with my last child I did announce the pregnancy on facebook for distant family and friends and I would plan to do the same this time. His family don't see our eldest much, but he does send them pictures often and he does speak to them about his days out with him and would wonder why he stopped speaking about them

OP posts:
Northofsomewhere · 19/01/2021 17:19

I would keep it to yourself and people you trust until you would normally reveal a pregnancy. At that point I would tell his family if you want to. I would also start making direct contact with them if you want them to have a relationship with your child. He shouldn't be able to prevent contact between you, your child and his family. If they ask, be honest about why you're going directly to them but they probably have their suspicions about what he's up to anyway.

I also think pp as right, get a STD test done and start planning for contraception so you know exactly what you want once you're able. Start learning to say no, also has he really gone off the rails so suddenly or was he always unstable?

Santaiscovidfree · 19/01/2021 17:20

Would his family be supportive? Would you want them to be? Do they see your current dc? Contact Cms about current dc then update after the birth.

SnowFields · 19/01/2021 17:23

I don’t see why his family would even think he is the father if you announce your pregnancy on Facebook.

Biscusting · 19/01/2021 17:28

I wouldn’t be too keen to announce this Jeremy Kyle shit show on Facebook either, but he is being a prick of the highest order regarding his treatment of you and your children.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 19/01/2021 17:29

Yeah....I wouldn't be wanting to broadcast this on social media.

peboh · 19/01/2021 17:33

Honestly I think social media announcements are the least of your worries right now. I think you need to look into the logistics of single parenting with two children, start looking at the financial aspects and the support system you have. Of course you'd be within your rights to tell his family, however I wouldn't be surprised if you did he then told them you were lying and he isn't the father.

Original poster
bun2021sept · 19/01/2021 17:35

Well he hasnt always been stable but for the past year or so we have co-parented really well, he has been working hard at his job and things were looking great. This sleeping around with escorts is completely out of character, it got to the point where his family were so worried they were going to file a missing persons report but he did turn up and it did turn out he was at a girls house.

His family know I'm single which would confuse them to see an announcement, I wouldn't be posting any names in a pregnancy announcement or airing all of this silly drama on facebook at all but his sister would be very curious as to know who the father is and I can definitely see her messaging me with a congratulations message and asking who the father is as the sister has no filter and is very nosey when it comes to things like this.

OP posts:
Princessbanana · 19/01/2021 17:38

This reply has been deleted

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Bailegangaire · 19/01/2021 17:41

Your priorities seem a bit skewed, OP. You're thinking about the etiquette of announcing your pregnancy on social media, when in your shoes I would be thinking very hard about what poor judgement led me to conceiving not just once but twice by the same neglectful, dysfunctional man who buys sex and does not adequately parent one child, let alone two, and how I would raise two children well with such an inadequate co-parent.

Also, if you will forgive me being blunt, in your shoes I would be seriously considering a termination. Just because you get pregnant does not mean you have to continue the pregnancy, and I think it's important to consider that when you are thinking about the quality of life for your existing child, who must be your priority.

An0n0n0n · 19/01/2021 17:43

Put children first. Say nothing until you normally would and ask them if they want contact after you've announced it when you hand tour eldest over for contact. Assuming eldest will still see grandparents?

If he maintains not wanting to see eldest I'd make a point of formally stopping contact (written in email and text etc and cc'ing a solicitor). Put him on birth certificate and claim maintenance. But vet your bottom bloody dollar if my ex was threatening contact it be making it a formal 'all in or all out' situation, not dipping in and out as it suits.

SunshineCake · 19/01/2021 17:46

What do you actually want to gain from having this child and telling his family ?

rebeccachoc · 19/01/2021 17:46

I know this may sound childish but if you can I'd get him to confirm what he's said in texts if you haven't already. Obviously don't make it obvious that's what you are doing but just text like why do you want to stop seeing eldest because of this so he can basically confirm by his answer that's what he intends. I say this because by his behaviour I think he's going to get nasty and lie to his family so anything you can get as proof for this family and any court stuff would be very helpful. I wish you all the best.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/01/2021 17:51

You conceived at Christmas so how pregnant do you think you are?

Is thinking about Facebook announcements major displacement activity for you?

It’s coming across very oddly. You’ve got so many other significant things to think about. Why on Earth are you considering what the sister might think in 9 months time?

Is this really the best use of your time and energy?

StopTheTrainWantToGetOff · 19/01/2021 17:52

This is like thinking about the wedding and not the marriage

This sent about how you 'announce' a pregnancy. It is about you ability to adequately raise another child.

StopTheTrainWantToGetOff · 19/01/2021 17:53

@AnneLovesGilbert

You conceived at Christmas so how pregnant do you think you are?

Is thinking about Facebook announcements major displacement activity for you?

It’s coming across very oddly. You’ve got so many other significant things to think about. Why on Earth are you considering what the sister might think in 9 months time?

Is this really the best use of your time and energy?

Less than 5 weeks.
Indecisive12 · 19/01/2021 17:57

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I really wouldn’t be giving this that much thought. You’re about 5 weeks, haven’t had a scan and have 7/8 weeks to
wait until you announce on Facebook at the earliest.
You don’t owe him anything so don’t waste your time thinking about it. Just see how you feel after the scan and do what YOU want to do.