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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not hide it from his family?

144 replies

bun2021sept · 19/01/2021 16:43

So me and my childs father are having another, wasn't planned and we were not in an official relationship at the time of conception (long story, we were stupid over the christmas period when he came to see our child).
Since we found out he's gone off the rails, sleeping with an escort he met on tinder (not just sleeping but spending days at their flat, going missing and turning his phone off). He missed out on our childs birthday a few days ago because he was there. So as you can imagine I'm quite annoyed over that although I have to say in his personal life.

He's begging me to not tell any of his family that I'm pregnant as they will 'disown him' and 'hate him'. He says that he wants nothing to do with our eldest child anymore either as he cannot trust me as I'm not having an abortion. Any advice on what I should do next? I have his family on fb so I think he expect me to hide them from seeing my posts about the newcomer, AIBU if I don't keep it a secret from them? I feel I have nothing to hide but I'm also worried that I'm acting ignorant and petty.

OP posts:

DelphiniumBlue · 19/01/2021 18:28

He wasn't staying at an escort's flat, that is just nonsense. He has another girlfriend but doesn't want to admit it. That's why he doesn't want you going public.
If his family disown him, it will be because they think he' s a 2-faced lying bastard, not because you are pregnant.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 19/01/2021 18:28

The tone of the replies to this thread are far more depressing than the OP. Many are snippy, judgmental and thoroughly sanctimonious: and yes, I do realize there are children involved.

The deed is done and it's a little late for recriminations. We've all made poor decisions on occasion. OP, the only thing you can do now is to proceed with what you want to do, without any further reference to him. It's your body and your choice. And it's up to you what you tell people and when.

As an aside, it's perfectly possible to tell when you are five weeks pregnant. I knew every time as there were tangible physical signs.

@Fuckingcrustybread upthread has nailed it, and probably puts it far more eloquently than I have!

butterpuffed · 19/01/2021 18:30

The vipers are out in force, must've been let out early

PaigeMatthews · 19/01/2021 18:34

He wont be staying over at an escorts house. He will have a new girlfriend. That’s why he needs to keep it quiet. So she doesnt dump him for cheating.

CSA for maintenance if he has stopped paying.

Original poster

bun2021sept · 19/01/2021 18:35

I feel like some people have not read my previous comments, our first child was planned and is 7 years old. He has been an amazing parent to him all his life. The pregnancy announcement I'll be making isnt a top priority to me and I'm not focusing entirely on that, It is simply just something I would like advice on and an outside perspective as to whether people its in mine and my childrens best interests to tell his family or not, as if I do tell them I would have extra support.There is no 'gain' in telling his family but I don't want my childs existence to just be a secret - until it all comes out at some point. I dont plan on announcing it, tagging him or his family and dropping it on them, I don't plan on mentioning any names. The concern isn't even on how I announce it, its whether or not I should tell his family if they ask me after seeing an announcment.

All conversation about the escort, telling me to have an abortion and stating he will have no involvement with our eldest child had taken place over text messages. He may lie or deny it but thats on him, I wont be using the texts as proof to anyone other than a soliciter if needs be.

I'm 6 weeks and 5 days by the scan I had yesterday, I didn't say we concieved at christmas.

We've not been together in over 5 years, I can asure you that I'm not having a child to spite him as if he does what he says and does have no involvement with our eldest, it would have no effect on him anyway.

I work from home full time, have lots of savings and bring in a good wage, have a good support network. I'm confident that I am mentally and financially able to support a second child.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/01/2021 18:39

I feel like some people have not read my previous comments, our first child was planned and is 7 years old. He has been an amazing parent to him all his life.

People haven't misunderstood, they've correctly focused on the fact that, in your own words:

All conversation about the escort, telling me to have an abortion and stating he will have no involvement with our eldest child had taken place over text messages.

Using his existing child to blackmail you into an abortion makes him a shit sad. And a horrible cunt.

Sleeping with an escort really, really doesn't sound as 'totally out of character' as you say it is. It sounds very much like something a man like him would do.

It's your decision to terminate or not but I would be thinking very seriously about whether you want another seven years of forced contact with this man after your existing son turns 18.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/01/2021 18:40

*makes him a shit dad

Ponoka7 · 19/01/2021 18:40

I agree that he wasn't at an escort's flat. He has separate lives going on and they are all about to combust.

I'd announce your pregnancy whenever you normally would. Some wait for the 12 week period, so they don't have to explain a loss. Be honest with his family. You've got to be because you have to prepare your child for the new arrival and you need to stamp on any rumours that it is a half, not full sibling being born.

Focus on your needs, not his. You can't control him being in your child's life and he has told you that he capable of walking away.

Belinda554 · 19/01/2021 18:42

It’s entirely your choice, have the baby, your children will be siblings, which is nice.

Who cares what anyone thinks. Just post as you would normally at 12 weeks. If they ask who the dad is tell them. It’s very simple if you want it to be.

He definitely has a girlfriend 😂 and you’re about to drop him in it.

Staffy1 · 19/01/2021 18:43

How can someone be an amazing parent and yet say they will have no further contact with the child if you tell their family? No one who is an amazing parent would ever dream of abandoning their child, or even say they would. Only crap parents do that.

FuriousWithTheNHS · 19/01/2021 18:43

Terrible luck to get pregnant when only having sex once AND using a condom.

Isn't it?

You've found out very early!

I can't imagine why anyone would be pregancy testing the nanosecond they were late, given that they've only had sex once, and with a condom. Weird.

Candyfloss99 · 19/01/2021 18:46

The Facebook announcement would be the least of my worries if I were you.

FuriousWithTheNHS · 19/01/2021 18:47

we were not in an official relationship at the time of conception (long story, we were stupid over the christmas period when he came to see our child).

I'm 6 weeks and 5 days by the scan I had yesterday, I didn't say we concieved at christmas.

I think you did.

toocold54 · 19/01/2021 18:48

Honestly OP I wouldn’t say anything to his family or even contact him right now. You are so early that I would expect him to be in shock still. He is acting silly but did you really think he would be happy having a child with someone he’s not in a relationship with?

He may come around and want to have something to do with the child but he also may not want anything to do with it nor will the family so prepare yourself just incase.

Winterwoollies · 19/01/2021 18:52

@Staffy1

I came to say this. It’s appalling. Amazing dads don’t miss their kids’ birthdays to stay at an ‘escort’s’ house. I can’t believe you said you were only slightly annoyed by that.

I’ll be honest, I wondered if you wanted a second child and wanted your existing one to have a full sibling...

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/01/2021 18:52

Now: I'm 6 weeks and 5 days by the scan I had yesterday, I didn't say we concieved at christmas

In first post: long story, we were stupid over the christmas period when he came to see our child

You might want to just step back and think about whether people are misinterpreting things, you're explaining things poorly or you aren't understanding them yourself.

It's all your choice but social media would be the last thing on my mind in this situation.

Coyoacan · 19/01/2021 18:52

I do wish people would not recommend a termination to someone who is not asking about that. I am totally pro-choice, but it is not a woman's duty to abort any baby that some random on the internet believes to be inconvenient.

Santaiscovidfree · 19/01/2021 18:55

Who announces at 6 weeks??

Fieldofyellowflowers · 19/01/2021 18:55

You are getting a rough time from some posters here OP.

In terms of telling his family, I really would just wait for a few months at least and see what you want to do then. You have got nearly nine months to make the decision over whether to tell them or not.

As for keeping the baby, if you want them and you feel able to care for them then you keep them. Don't listen to your bully of an ex or any of the vipers on here. A similar situation happened to my friend where she had a five year old and then got pregnant a 2nd time after a short reunion with her child's dad. She is an extremely happy single mum and both of her beautiful kids are extremely happy too.

Best of luck

Gingerkittykat · 19/01/2021 18:57

I would be delaying making the announcement since he is in a headspace where he might lash out at you and it is likely to cause you more grief. In the longer term I wouldn't be hiding the pregnancy and would answer truthfully if the family ask if he is the father. Secrets don't help anyone.

If this behaviour is out of the ordinary and he is usually a good dad I would have a mix of concern and anger. Let him come round to what has happened and hopefully he will resume contact with your child, I'm sure your child will miss him if he has been a regular part of his life.

Original poster

bun2021sept · 19/01/2021 18:58

I wouldnt consider myself finding out early as I was due my period around the 1st january and waited over a week to test, hardly a nanosecond. we would have concieved the week before christmas.

OP posts:

LizFlowers · 19/01/2021 19:01

The op is only having one baby as far as we know!

bun2021:

I work from home full time, have lots of savings and bring in a good wage, have a good support network. I'm confident that I am mentally and financially able to support a second child.
.........
I think you will be - OK, bun.

It sounds as though your ex is panicking, he probably doesn't really mean what he says but, whatever, you don't need him. Neither do you need to tell anybody about your pregnancy until later on.

Good luck.

Bookworming · 19/01/2021 19:01

Slept together over Christmas

Used a condom

Got pregnant

Tested very early

And a scan!

I'd say it was a hat-Rick but it's four!

Original poster

bun2021sept · 19/01/2021 19:02

@Gingerkittykat Absolutely, I wasn't even thinking about announcing it until around 20 weeks. I didn't make that clear in my original post as people do seem to think I'm waiting to announce it anyday now.

The behaviour is extremely out of the ordinary which is why I'm so confused as to why its came to this, he believes he is amadant that he will no longer care for our son. I'm mid 30s and he is nearing 40 which could add to his shock as we aren't spring chickens anymore

OP posts:

toocold54 · 19/01/2021 19:02

I wouldn’t hide it but I also wouldn’t go and tell the family. It’ll be a few weeks before you announce it anyway so there’s no reason for them to think it’s the dads anyway they’ll just think you have a bf.

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