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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not hide it from his family?

144 replies

bun2021sept · 19/01/2021 16:43

So me and my childs father are having another, wasn't planned and we were not in an official relationship at the time of conception (long story, we were stupid over the christmas period when he came to see our child).
Since we found out he's gone off the rails, sleeping with an escort he met on tinder (not just sleeping but spending days at their flat, going missing and turning his phone off). He missed out on our childs birthday a few days ago because he was there. So as you can imagine I'm quite annoyed over that although I have to say in his personal life.

He's begging me to not tell any of his family that I'm pregnant as they will 'disown him' and 'hate him'. He says that he wants nothing to do with our eldest child anymore either as he cannot trust me as I'm not having an abortion. Any advice on what I should do next? I have his family on fb so I think he expect me to hide them from seeing my posts about the newcomer, AIBU if I don't keep it a secret from them? I feel I have nothing to hide but I'm also worried that I'm acting ignorant and petty.

OP posts:

Bookworming · 19/01/2021 19:02

@bun2021sept why did you have a scan so early?

toocold54 · 19/01/2021 19:03

He wasn't staying at an escort's flat, that is just nonsense. He has another girlfriend but doesn't want to admit it. That's why he doesn't want you going public.

This.

I also don’t understand how you know so much about his personal life if you’re not together.

Pancakeorcrepe · 19/01/2021 19:04

This is such a mess! Are you ready for any of this? I’m sorry but you should consider a termination. It’s very early days. Don’t bring another child into the world with a dad like that.

Original poster

bun2021sept · 19/01/2021 19:06

I booked an early scan as I had some bleeding, not that any of that matters to this post.

OP posts:

MrsWindass · 19/01/2021 19:06

@bun2021sept

Well he hasnt always been stable but for the past year or so we have co-parented really well, he has been working hard at his job and things were looking great. This sleeping around with escorts is completely out of character, it got to the point where his family were so worried they were going to file a missing persons report but he did turn up and it did turn out he was at a girls house.

His family know I'm single which would confuse them to see an announcement, I wouldn't be posting any names in a pregnancy announcement or airing all of this silly drama on facebook at all but his sister would be very curious as to know who the father is and I can definitely see her messaging me with a congratulations message and asking who the father is as the sister has no filter and is very nosey when it comes to things like this.

Why on earth would you post about this ?

oh and YES sleeping around with escorts DOES seem to be his character !

Original poster

bun2021sept · 19/01/2021 19:06

@toocold54 I dont understand why you assume I know so much about his personal life?

OP posts:

Original poster

bun2021sept · 19/01/2021 19:07

@MrsWindass Because I would like some advice? Why else?

OP posts:

Bookworming · 19/01/2021 19:07

@bun2021sept he sleeps prostitutes escorts, I think an STD should come well ahead of an early scan.

Did it not occur to you to make that a priority?

Caterinaballerina · 19/01/2021 19:07

I know this may be slightly off topic but for a social media announcement why don’t you announce that you and ex are having another baby together, you won’t be in a relationship but will co-parent as you currently do. See if he will agree to that? He sounds awful but if the worry about what his family will think and say is a contributing factor this could be a solution? Essentially keeping up the appearance that you wanted another baby/sibling for your first and that you won’t be drawn on exactly how this came about (it was around Christmas so could have been the turkey baster!)

MrsWindass · 19/01/2021 19:08

[quote bun2021sept]@MrsWindass Because I would like some advice? Why else?[/quote]
on FB.....

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/01/2021 19:11

I think if and when you decide to tell his family, tell them straight rather than publicly on social media. Contact them directly. They will be relatives to both your children. That is if you think you can have a good relationship with them.
You shouldn't have to "hide" your pregnancy just because he says so, particularly when he says he will have nothing to do with either child. If he's been a good father up to this point, that is just a strange reaction from him, unless its just an empty threat. but it would be a damaging thing for him to do to his eldest child.
I guess its up to you to decide how much involvement you actually want with this man, given his behaviour, and his family.
How much will they add to your children's lives?

Original poster

bun2021sept · 19/01/2021 19:11

@MrsWindass Why do you assume I would post all of that dirty laundry on faceook? A simple scan picture was my plan.

OP posts:

unlikelytobe · 19/01/2021 19:14

Were you hoping to have a second DC and wanted them to be from the same father?

Not sure if this was reckless or feckless!

islockdownoveryet · 19/01/2021 19:15

Like others have said not telling his family is the least of your problems.
So you want advice well if you are 5-6 weeks pregnant and not planning on announcing until 20 weeks then he has plenty of time to come to terms with it or not and tell his family himself.
If not they will find out anyway .
You don’t need to tell anyone at this stage and certainly not his family as that’s up to him .
Just tell him you won’t be telling everyone yet anyway but as time goes on they will know and you won’t lie .
As for him well he’s a adult how he chooses to behave is your to him , you though don’t need to put up with it so don’t.

Bookworming · 19/01/2021 19:15

This reply has been deleted

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MarieIVanArkleStinks · 19/01/2021 19:16

This is one nasty thread.

Original poster

bun2021sept · 19/01/2021 19:24

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

This is one nasty thread.

Isn't it just! Seems like a few of these women can't read either, explain and elaborate on certain things multiple times and they still can't read!

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 19/01/2021 19:24

This reply has been deleted

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SnowFields · 19/01/2021 19:25

@Bookworming

Slept together over Christmas

Used a condom

Got pregnant

Tested very early

And a scan!

I'd say it was a hat-Rick but it's four!

Next announcement is that it’s twins!

It’s unusual for places to scan before seven weeks and staggering for the OP (who waited over a week before testing as her period, which was due at the start of the year, was late) which means then managed to get an early scan booked in less than a week during this pandemic.

Indecisive12 · 19/01/2021 19:26

@AlternativePerspective

Is the baby his? Or did you get pregnant by someone else but because you had slept with him you told him it was his?

You don’t get pregnant while wearing a condom.

Why would you be testing early if you used contraception so there was literally no chance of you getting pregnant?

And why were you having a scan if you knew when you’d conceived. You’d know then how pregnant you were, surely?

None of this adds up, and I suspect he isn’t the only one in the equation.

Condoms are only 97% effective so presumably 3% of people using only condoms at a fertile time do get pregnant

toocold54 · 19/01/2021 19:27

@toocold54 I dont understand why you assume I know so much about his personal life?

Since we found out he's gone off the rails, sleeping with an escort he met on tinder (not just sleeping but spending days at their flat, going missing and turning his phone off).

How do you know all of the above things? These are all very personal things that as someone who is not in a relationship with him wouldn’t know.

SnowFields · 19/01/2021 19:28

Seems like a few of these women can't read either, explain and elaborate on certain things multiple times and they still can't read!

It’s because of your contradictions, unrealistic updates and bizarre focus on a Facebook announcement when almost everything else that you should be focusing on comes before that.

Santaiscovidfree · 19/01/2021 19:31

Not sure after a bleed I would be even thinking about other people's reactions tbh. Maybe be curled up on the sofa willing my baby it make it..

toocold54 · 19/01/2021 19:32

OP why not just carry on as you normally would and if his family asks who the dad is just be honest and say it’s him but he chose not to be involved.
Then you are not keeping the child a secret but also not asking them to be involved either.

Original poster

bun2021sept · 19/01/2021 19:32

Window to the womb do early scans from 6 weeks, apparently they are not any busier than they usually were before the pandemic. My scan was on Friday 15th after calling them to book it on Tuesday 12th if you really want more information.

If the baby isnt his then I'm the virgin mary as I haven't been sexually active with anybody in 3 years.

OP posts:

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