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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not hide it from his family?

144 replies

bun2021sept · 19/01/2021 16:43

So me and my childs father are having another, wasn't planned and we were not in an official relationship at the time of conception (long story, we were stupid over the christmas period when he came to see our child).
Since we found out he's gone off the rails, sleeping with an escort he met on tinder (not just sleeping but spending days at their flat, going missing and turning his phone off). He missed out on our childs birthday a few days ago because he was there. So as you can imagine I'm quite annoyed over that although I have to say in his personal life.

He's begging me to not tell any of his family that I'm pregnant as they will 'disown him' and 'hate him'. He says that he wants nothing to do with our eldest child anymore either as he cannot trust me as I'm not having an abortion. Any advice on what I should do next? I have his family on fb so I think he expect me to hide them from seeing my posts about the newcomer, AIBU if I don't keep it a secret from them? I feel I have nothing to hide but I'm also worried that I'm acting ignorant and petty.

OP posts:

Autumnsun1985 · 19/01/2021 19:32

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I don’t think you should be told to consider a termination when you haven’t said that you are unhappy about having another baby. You also state that you have the financial and emotional resources to cope. Babies are born into all sorts of less than perfect circumstances. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t exist.
I’m not one for announcements on social media. However, if that’s what you would like to do, then I don’t see anything wrong with a simple scan pic. I would then be honest with anyone who asked me re the father. I think you owe it to your children to be truthful and not live in shame (created by your ex).
Good luck.

singlemummanurse · 19/01/2021 19:43

I got pregnant on contraception after sleeping with an ex after a year of splitting and talking about getting back together (I was on the pill). Worst timing as was starting an amazing new job and definitely did not want to get pregnant.
Found out at 5 weeks - really didn't think I was going to be pregnant but could not deny how much my boobs hurt and how often I was needing to pee. Such strong symptoms early on, put it off for a week but denial could only last so long!
Had an early scan at 6 ish weeks due to bleeding, got the scan the same day the bleeding occurred.
Also I'm prochoice and if op had come and asked about whether she should keep the baby i could understand some of the responses, but for some of the people urging op to abort her baby when this has nothing to do with what she asked is disgusting. Can't believe how awful and judgemental some people are being, I'm hoping it's frustration from lockdown and homeschooling cos I hate to think there are this many arseholes around in real life!

SnowFields · 19/01/2021 19:43

@bun2021sept

Window to the womb do early scans from 6 weeks, apparently they are not any busier than they usually were before the pandemic. My scan was on Friday 15th after calling them to book it on Tuesday 12th if you really want more information.

If the baby isnt his then I'm the virgin mary as I haven't been sexually active with anybody in 3 years.

So why did you say your scan was yesterday if it was four days ago?

Haiyaa · 19/01/2021 19:44

Wow, the sharks are out and they smell blood in the water...

Your body your choice so if you are keeping the baby then that’s the end of the conversation but it would be good to prepare for the eventuality that you won’t receive any support from your ex and neither child will have him in their life.
I think his family should be given the opportunity to know their grandchildren and provide support in whatever way they want/are able, so would tell them the basic story but that’s it.
If this knowledge means that they will disown your ex then so be it, he’s the one making threats and sleeping with escorts (and in the middle of a pandemic but that is the least of his problems). I wouldn’t necessarily TELL them about the threats/escorts specifically though, if they’re smart they will work out that something is fishy and ask him directly.
Prioritise an STD screen, it’s dangerous for you and also the baby.

User2921 · 19/01/2021 19:47

For a man of nearly 40 he seems overly worried about what his family will think.
I'm guessing he is actually in a new relationship and terrified of it getting back to his new partner, hence the desperate attempt to persuade you not to continue the pregnancy, and the nonsense about escorts to explain going missing.
You owe him nothing. Do what is right for you and your children.
If he is a good dad he will see your children. If he's not, he's no loss.

Original poster

bun2021sept · 19/01/2021 19:48

@SnowFields my mistake, I have no idea why I typed yesterday when I meant to say last week.

OP posts:

Original poster

bun2021sept · 19/01/2021 19:50

It could be a new relationship, he told me he started seeing escorts the day after i told him of the pregnancy as i had 'messed his head up' with this. I don't know why he would lie about a relationship and call his new girlfriend an escort but saying that, I dont know why he's acting the way he is in general.

OP posts:

toocold54 · 19/01/2021 19:52

I agree with this.

No normal 40 year old would act like that.

I assumed from your original post that he was young which was why he reacted so badly but now he just sounds like an idiot panicking he’s going to lose his new gf.

Twillow · 19/01/2021 19:53

Well, it's entirely up to you whether you want to continue the pregnancy with a man who's clearly unsuitable for fatherhood. I'd consider your life henceforth without him, if I was you.

toocold54 · 19/01/2021 19:54

I don't know why he would lie about a relationship and call his new girlfriend an escort

He might be worried that if he told you he had a gf you would tell her that he had sex with you and now you’re pregnant.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 19/01/2021 19:56

When you do announce your pregnancy on FB and start telling people In real life I don't see why you should lie to His family that he is the father, I would be perfectly open about who the father is. There is no reason for you not to be honest about it. I think it's nice that the DC will have the same father and for them to have each other, even if their father is an absent one, although he may well come round to the idea of a second child and a sibling to his existing child. You say he has been a good father until he found out you were pregnant, well when he realises that there is definitely going to be a second child he may well turn out to be present in both of his DCs lives.

Sounds like you are organised re work and finances, so good luck to you.

Twillow · 19/01/2021 19:59

I'm 6 weeks and 5 days by the scan I had yesterday, I didn't say we concieved at christmas.

You said you were 'stupid' over the christmas period. So you kind of did.
If you want another child, who are we to judge you. But seems to me you used this as an opportunity to do so. Do condoms really fail as often as people claim?

Original poster

bun2021sept · 19/01/2021 19:59

Thank you everyone for your advice, hopefully things do calm down so I can have a decent in depth conversation with him at some point.

OP posts:

toocold54 · 19/01/2021 20:00

Also it doesn’t sound like she is a new gf either. She has probably met the family which is why he doesn’t want them finding out.

Bookworming · 19/01/2021 20:06

You've clearly got a relationship with his family, they're on your FB, they've been in contact about him disappearing and considering reporting him as a missing person.

You'll be announcing your pregnancy in 18ish weeks, so between now and then you tell your ex to tell them, or you message them. You don't put it on FN, for them to start a guessing game.

Bookworming · 19/01/2021 20:06

FB*

User2921 · 19/01/2021 20:06

Why on earth are so many people so anxious to 'prove' the OP is somehow in the wrong here?
A woman has sex, it results in an accidental pregnancy she wishes to continue with and she is prepared and able to support her children.
Can any of those posters intent on chastising her or finding holes in her story explain what exactly they hope to gain?
I really don't understand why people do that.

SnowFields · 19/01/2021 20:13

@User2921

Why on earth are so many people so anxious to 'prove' the OP is somehow in the wrong here? A woman has sex, it results in an accidental pregnancy she wishes to continue with and she is prepared and able to support her children. Can any of those posters intent on chastising her or finding holes in her story explain what exactly they hope to gain? I really don't understand why people do that.

Because it saves genuine posters wasting time giving advice to trolls.

SameToo · 19/01/2021 20:14

@AlternativePerspective I genuinely hope your statement is a joke.

Of course you can get pregnant whilst using a condom! It’s one of the least reliable forms of contraception ffs

LizFlowers · 19/01/2021 20:29

I've read all the thread now.
Weird.

oakleaffy · 19/01/2021 20:32

@AnneLovesGilbert

Surely it’s 9 odd months off till you have to worry about people seeing this baby on Facebook. I’d worry about having a baby with such a loser. And it’s not an accident if you have sex without contraception

This a thousand times.

Jeez......What a complete loser.

OP have some self respect and massively up your standards in men.

Sounds a chaotic mess.

Unprotected Sex equals potential pregnancy.

Surely people know that by now?

GypsyLee · 19/01/2021 20:37

God this is a depressing thread.
OP, I'd have a long think about being anymore involved with this man than you have to.
He won't be a good Dad, or any decent support, and you sound as though perhaps you need some counselling.
You have had two children with this loser, there's obviously an underlying reason.
Forget him now and do what is right for you and your children.
How will you support two on your own? CMS is fine if they actually pay anything.

Willow4987 · 19/01/2021 20:41

@oakleaffy op clearly stated it wasn’t unprotected. She used a condom which aren’t 100% effective

Babyroobs · 19/01/2021 20:47

@StiffyByng1

This is a staggeringly depressing post. Poor children :(

A relative of mine did this although the difference was it was planned, she just didn't want the kids to have different dads, so had 2 kids five years apart with the biggest loser ever. He has never paid a penny in CM or anything. I have no idea why anyone would go back to such a man who had been such a shit dad the first time around.

Unsure33 · 19/01/2021 20:55

He is an amazing parent but does not live with you ?

From his behaviour he is not an amazing parent , he can just decide to abandon you all.

If you want to go ahead with the pregnancy just carry on but don’t involve him or his family . End of

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