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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not hide it from his family?

144 replies

bun2021sept · 19/01/2021 16:43

So me and my childs father are having another, wasn't planned and we were not in an official relationship at the time of conception (long story, we were stupid over the christmas period when he came to see our child).
Since we found out he's gone off the rails, sleeping with an escort he met on tinder (not just sleeping but spending days at their flat, going missing and turning his phone off). He missed out on our childs birthday a few days ago because he was there. So as you can imagine I'm quite annoyed over that although I have to say in his personal life.

He's begging me to not tell any of his family that I'm pregnant as they will 'disown him' and 'hate him'. He says that he wants nothing to do with our eldest child anymore either as he cannot trust me as I'm not having an abortion. Any advice on what I should do next? I have his family on fb so I think he expect me to hide them from seeing my posts about the newcomer, AIBU if I don't keep it a secret from them? I feel I have nothing to hide but I'm also worried that I'm acting ignorant and petty.

OP posts:

Arobase · 19/01/2021 20:56

You don’t get pregnant while wearing a condom.

If only that were true. There is no such thing as a 100% guaranteed effective condom.

And why were you having a scan if you knew when you’d conceived. You’d know then how pregnant you were, surely?

She didn't claim that it was a scan for dates, but because she had bleeding.

Catty1720 · 19/01/2021 20:57

Sounds like apart from the worry of letting people know @bun2021sept has everything sorted. Job,money, support. There’s millions of women who boss single parenting and a lot of women who choose to do it alone.
If you let people know when the time is right I hope things are calmed down more. And I hope the nasty comments on here haven’t got to you too much so much for women looking out for women hey!!!!!

Winterwoollies · 19/01/2021 21:38

If you were bleeding, wouldn’t you go to the EPAU rather than for a private scan with Window to the Womb? Am I missing something?

PlanDeRaccordement · 19/01/2021 22:43

I agree too many posters are pushing abortion. OP has decided to keep her baby. And honestly it doesn’t matter what the father is like if she’s raising the child herself. He’s just a sperm donor at that point and in a way it’s nice the two children will be full siblings.

MyMonsteraisDeliciosa · 20/01/2021 08:52

@PlanDeRaccordement

In fairness I don't think anybody is "pushing" abortion at all, it's always an option on the table in situations of unwanted pregnancy and it's only to be expected that it will be mentioned.

And don't forget all the details about the OP having a good job, being able and willing to cope and being in her mid 30s were very much drip fed. The initial post (which many of us responded to) made it sound like a total Jeremy Kyle situation with the OP obsessing about bloody Facebook of all things!

Bluntness100 · 20/01/2021 08:57

This is a really odd thing to be so focused on at this stage. You’re not even in a relationship with this man, won’t be announced for several weeks, and have no plan to announce the father on social media

If and when one of his family members ask you, then it’s your choice, but just say to him I’m not announcing till x date, I am not announcing the father, if someone asks me, I’ll be honest, and leave the rest to him.

TeachesOfPeaches · 20/01/2021 09:07

I know a woman who is single and is pregnant every year with a child from the same man, she has had 5 so far.

PlanDeRaccordement · 20/01/2021 10:22

In fairness I don't think anybody is "pushing" abortion at all, it's always an option on the table in situations of unwanted pregnancy and it's only to be expected that it will be mentioned. And don't forget all the details about the OP having a good job, being able and willing to cope and being in her mid 30s were very much drip fed. The initial post (which many of us responded to) made it sound like a total Jeremy Kyle situation with the OP obsessing about bloody Facebook of all things

I went back in case I had wrong impression. But the OPs updates saying she had decided to keep the baby and was financially secure and mentally prepared for a second child we’re all on the very first page of this thread. The posts recommending abortion came after these updates, not before. So while agree some posters might only read OP plus first page, they’d still not have missed these updates and her decision.

BloodyNintendo · 20/01/2021 10:37

Notmoreuodates5 · 20/01/2021 10:47

This sleeping around with escorts is completely out of character

I have only read your updates OP. I suggest this is a long term problem and your child’s father has done this a number of times. If your Son’s side of the family don’t have much involvement with him I would edit your privacy settings on all social media.

So you have made your mind up about the Pregnacy OP? Are you prepared to do it alone? Would it impact your job and your current child..

Iwonder08 · 20/01/2021 11:09

You are incredibly selfish OP. You already have one child with the useless piece of s*t, and you are insisting on having another one. Why? You should concentrate on being a proper parent for your existing child

Haiyaa · 20/01/2021 11:51

@Iwonder08

Wow! Why would it be impossible to be a good parent to both? Families come in all shapes and sizes these days, welcome to 2021.

LizFlowers · 20/01/2021 11:53

@Iwonder08

I wouldn't go that far. The op has he finances and resources to be able to cope with another child, she is not going to be destitute or dependent on the state. What 'we' would do in her position is not relevant (I admit i would not have the baby), this is something that she must decide for herself.

Who knows, the man may be panicking at the moment (he has said some bizarre things), but come round to the idea in a couple of weeks - that does happen. However the op is capable of going it alone. Good luck to her.

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 20/01/2021 12:04

Why do you need to stay in touch with his family at all? If he's not going to be involved, I'd take the opportunity to block them all and move on.

Ilovechinese · 20/01/2021 13:02

@Iwonder08 and you are incredibly rude! As are many other posters on here! There is nothing at all selfish about keeping her baby it and giving her child a sibling! The father in this case is the one being selfish in saying he wont have nothing to do with the children. She is putting her children first, and how dare people try to tell her to have an abortion! How disgusting!

Notimeforaname · 20/01/2021 15:36

This is a really odd thing to be so focused on at this stage

I dont think it is odd.

This only started because the Ex told her not to tell anyone and threatened her if she did so.

So now,naturally,she's thinking and wondering about when it is time to tell people. Hence her asking for advice if she should go against her ex's threats and tell his family.

The Facebook thing must just be the way op announces it to her people far and wide. It's not unusual.

But I assumed shes thinking about it now simply because her ex told her she cant.

Notimeforaname · 20/01/2021 15:40

I agree hes probably freaking out as he has a girlfriend and doesn't want her to know he has slept with you.
And his parents have probably met her so cant know he was with you for the night.

I'd also guess he's told his parents not to tell you about the girlfriend.

Lies on lies

Anyone who openly admits to paying for an 'escort' for three days must be covering up a doozy of a lie..

Bailegangaire · 21/01/2021 09:47

[quote Ilovechinese]@Iwonder08 and you are incredibly rude! As are many other posters on here! There is nothing at all selfish about keeping her baby it and giving her child a sibling! The father in this case is the one being selfish in saying he wont have nothing to do with the children. She is putting her children first, and how dare people try to tell her to have an abortion! How disgusting![/quote]
Or another way of looking at is that the OP has got accidentally pregnant due to a contraceptive failure and some very poor judgement by her ex, whose idea of parenting is to miss his child's birthday party because he was screwing an escort he met on Tinder and had gone AWOL with his phone off, for several days, and now says he wants nothing to do with their existing child? That is not a situation I would want to bring another child into, regardless of the OP's finances etc.

eeek88 · 23/01/2021 16:56

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Now: I'm 6 weeks and 5 days by the scan I had yesterday, I didn't say we concieved at christmas

In first post: long story, we were stupid over the christmas period when he came to see our child

You might want to just step back and think about whether people are misinterpreting things, you're explaining things poorly or you aren't understanding them yourself.

It's all your choice but social media would be the last thing on my mind in this situation.

‘The Christmas period’ could mean any time in December, surely. It doesn’t necessarily have to have been on the 24th, 25th or 26th of December.

The op is probably worrying about the Facebook announcement because this is one of the few things she can control right now.

Sorry you’ve walked into a nest of vipers OP. Unlike the majority of posters I do understand that sometimes in life we make mistakes or have bad luck or do stupid things or have a moment of weakness, then have to deal with the consequences. I never judge people who find themselves in a tricky spot because of some one-off event. Been there, done that, faced consequences, learned from it...

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