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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I just being incredibly mean?

133 replies

Tiredandstressed9 · 18/01/2021 13:16

I’ve name changed for this one.

I am very stressed at work. I don’t stop. Never have time for breaks or lunch. Work well over my hours daily to get my tasks completed.

Anyway, I had a meeting with my manager this morning. One of my colleagues is going through a rough patch and she really is. Her mum has been diagnosed with breast cancer and will now start treatment. They have no idea how bad it is yet.

To support my colleague, my manager has reduced her work load, but given it to me.

I feel completely pissed off about it.

On the one hand, I really feel badly for this lady. On the other hand, the additional work will affect my time with my family and adds to my stress.

My chest feels like it’s being crushed and I feel sick with the stress and additional work.

There is no one else to share the additional workload. Just me and this lady. There is no ‘timeline’ for how long this will be expected of me.

Am I being spiteful even resenting this?
I feel terrible.

OP posts:
Cornishmumofone · 18/01/2021 13:18

You're not being spiteful, but you need to talk to your manager about what can realistically be done. It sounds like you already have more than enough to do. Is it possible that someone can be taken on part time to ease everyone's workloads? If not, what can be dropped because something has to be?

Funkyslippers · 18/01/2021 13:18

YANBU. Your health will be affected even more than it is now. You need to speak to your manager about this, and tell her what you've said here

Godimabitch · 18/01/2021 13:20

Not acceptable. They need to take someone else on to do it. Is there a HR? You need to explain that as much as you're glad they're supporting your colleague you dont have time for your lunch as it is and always work more than your contracted hours, you dont have any more time to give them and they will push you to the point you're too ill to work from the stress.

OrigamiOwl · 18/01/2021 13:20

You're not being spiteful, but you really need to talk to your manager.

CrochetOrBust · 18/01/2021 13:21

YANBU for resenting it - although it’s your manager causing this, not your colleague so YWBU to mention it to your colleague (not suggesting you are currently doing this!)

A competent manager should allocate and prioritise work according to the resource available, so if you’re already fully occupied your manager should really tell you to stop doing something if there are bits of your colleague’s work you need to pick up. Or they need to get more resource in to help.

Youdonut · 18/01/2021 13:22

Is your manager aware that you were already overworking to get tasks done - and what was your response when they notified you of the extra workload?

A simple 'I really do sympathise for colleagues position and would love to help, however I can't because I'm already struggling with my own workload' really should have done the trick?

Ask for a stress management assessment, if your workplace does them, and be vocal about the stress you are feeling, what you have described here.

It is incredibly sad what your colleagues mum is going through, but I do not see any reason she needs work taken off of her as a result - unless she is caring for her mother?

Brefugee · 18/01/2021 13:24

Does your manager already know how much you have been doing?
I know a lot of people dismiss it as "jobsworth" ishness but it is never a good idea to do way too much without telling someone.

You urgently need to get them to take tasks off you, either by getting temporary staff, designating some of them as unnecessary AND by taking some over themselves.

Palavah · 18/01/2021 13:26

Talk to your manager about your workload. What is/isn't reasonable for you doesn't need to even reference your colleague.

listsandbudgets · 18/01/2021 13:27

You need to talk to your manager. The symptoms you describe sound like severe symptoms of stress. If you try to carry all the extra work when you're already working flat our, your manager may find himself looking at a sick note signing you off for 6 weeks. He needs to know that you can't cope with the extra work before that happens.

You're not being mean - you're being practical.

Hope manager can come up with a solution that does not involve you working to the point of collapse.

Original poster
Tiredandstressed9 · 18/01/2021 13:28

I haven’t mentioned it to my colleague, only spoken to her to express how sad I am to hear her news.

My manager is aware of my workload, especially in the current climate.

When my manager ‘told’ me I’d be doing the other work, I just said OK. I didn’t know what else to say at the time.

Colleague is not caring for her mother, but cannot visit due to Covid, so is very emotional as you can imagine.

OP posts:
AndcalloffChristmas · 18/01/2021 13:32

You need to be more assertive and speak to your manager properly. Say you were caught on the hop before but now you’ve had time to think about it you can’t do this.

Explain that you’re working over your contracted hours as it is, and that this is affecting your health. Your boss needs to pay another person part time to take on some of this work - it can’t just be given to you.

katy1213 · 18/01/2021 13:32

That's not acceptable and you need to stop working unpaid hours. If they're understaffed, it's their problem, not yours.
You need to stand up for yourself because if you don't, who will?

pasturesgreen · 18/01/2021 13:32

YANBU. You need to speak properly with your manager. Something has to give.

Also this:

It is incredibly sad what your colleagues mum is going through, but I do not see any reason she needs work taken off of her as a result

AlwaysCheddar · 18/01/2021 13:32

Go back to manager and say that in reflection, he can fuck off..... or words to that effect! I feel for your colleague but he should have asked and step up too.

MiniCooperLover · 18/01/2021 13:33

Whilst it is a worry that your colleagues parent is unwell, why does that mean they can't work ?!?

dreamingbohemian · 18/01/2021 13:36

I don't think you're being mean. It would be one thing if your colleague herself were ill, or had to take a short break to make arrangements or get to grips with it, but indefinitely giving you more work because she's emotional is not a real solution.

I would tell your manager that looking at your new workload, you can only take on these additional tasks if some of your existing work is suspended, and ask for a meeting to discuss prioritising what work should be done as long as this is ongoing.

Margaritatime · 18/01/2021 13:41

Speak to your manager but before you do list all the jobs you are being expected to do/pick up. Then rank them in terms of priority I.e urgent and important.

Use this to structure the meeting and agree what has to be done and what can wait or be delegated to someone else. If your manager insists it all needs to be done then explain that it is not possible.

Quite often it is only if you don’t do something that a manager starts to take notice. Working all the hours and delivering everything allows a manager to say see you could do it.

Don’t be afraid to say x has not been done because I prioritised ABC You have worked as you have delivered ABC.

Original poster
Tiredandstressed9 · 18/01/2021 13:47

Thank you everyone. I felt incredibly guilty even thinking it was unfair. I feel a bit better now.

I will speak to my manager after work today and explain that I cannot take on all of the extra.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 18/01/2021 13:50

I think it's nice that the manager is being supportive of your colleague. But he is not being supportive of you. You need to ask him for a conversation to discuss your workload. Outline why you are struggling with the existing workload and why therefore the additional workload is not practical. If possible have some suggestions re solutions eg extended deadlines, a temp, projects being delayed/cancelled/moved to other teams etc.

I was once in a similar situation. I was very young and thought it was jus normal to work crazy hours etc. Until the "big" boss noticed one day that I'd divided my To Do list into tasks that needed to be done during work hours vs tasks that could be done outside of work hours. At which point, to his credit, he removed about 1/3 of the work and reallocated it across the team. I also suspect words were had with my direct manager....

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 18/01/2021 13:52

You could request a meeting with your manager and HR present. Take your timetable with you showing that as it is, you do not get the breaks you are legally entitled to due to the workload you currently have. Be clear that this is not due to your performance but due to them being unreasonable in the work they expect. Then also mention the extra work they have decided to give you. Explain that the situation is untenable, and ask them what their solution is to how they manage this

FlorenceNightshade · 18/01/2021 13:53

If I’ve understood this correctly your manager is aware that you don’t take breaks, work extra unpaid hours and are generally feeling swamped. But they still assigned you extra work??? That is not an environment I would want to work in! Is your colleague favoured by management? No way I’d be putting up with that. I’m glad you’re going back in to state your case but I’d be looking for another job as you clearly aren’t valued OP

SmudgeButt · 18/01/2021 13:55

Hopefully the manager is taking on extra as well??

Full sympathy on this as I went through similar when the other person in our 2 person team suddenly went off work to deal with her husband who had a stroke. I was already regularly working more than standard hours and told my manager what I considered the priority work and what I thought we needed to abandon completely. I also pointed out a couple of individuals in our wider department that I thought might be able to pick up a couple of small tasks - the sort that might save me 30 minutes a day and would take minimal training time.

Best of luck getting it all sorted. And don't forget to breathe!!!

TheRealHousewife · 18/01/2021 13:56

You manager needs to bring in a 3rd person to share the workload. You’re over capacity already and your co-worker has had her workload reduced. Good luck!

Bathroom12345 · 18/01/2021 13:56

I so feel for you for so many reasons. I am like you. And sometimes companies either on purpose (or not) try and get people to take on more and more.

They state they cannot possibly get a temp in for financial reasons. So you end up with the extra work, overall the work doesnt get done that well because you are juggling so many balls and then come DPR time...

In the old days if you went on maternity leave they would get a temp in, these days they just look around and see who is left that they can dump things onto..

I worked for a large company and took Early Release. They were desperately trying to get a colleague to take on my WHOLE role which makes me worry what they thought I was doing all day but I was leaving so hey ho. She had some mini melt down and applied for another role and got it.. (this was a FTSE company who should have known better)

AlexaShutUp · 18/01/2021 13:57

You email your manager, and you say:

"Thanks very much for letting me know about Jane's current situation. Obviously, I'm very happy to do whatever I can to support her during this difficult time, but I would really appreciate some guidance from you on which tasks to prioritise during this period, as I obviously won't be able to do everything! As we have discussed previously, I'm already very stretched by my existing workload, so if you could please give me a steer on which tasks are most important and which ones can be put on hold for the time being, I'll do my very best to cover Jane for as long as it's needed. Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to take on any overtime at present, as I feel that this would be damaging to my own wellbeing, but I will do everything that I possibly can to help during my contracted hours."

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