Am I just being incredibly mean?

[Tiredandstressed9]

I’ve name changed for this one.

I am very stressed at work. I don’t stop. Never have time for breaks or lunch. Work well over my hours daily to get my tasks completed.

Anyway, I had a meeting with my manager this morning. One of my colleagues is going through a rough patch and she really is. Her mum has been diagnosed with breast cancer and will now start treatment. They have no idea how bad it is yet.

To support my colleague, my manager has reduced her work load, but given it to me.

I feel completely pissed off about it.

On the one hand, I really feel badly for this lady. On the other hand, the additional work will affect my time with my family and adds to my stress.

My chest feels like it’s being crushed and I feel sick with the stress and additional work.

There is no one else to share the additional workload. Just me and this lady. There is no ‘timeline’ for how long this will be expected of me.

Am I being spiteful even resenting this?
I feel terrible.

Sod that for a game of soldiers, OP
This colleague is milking it. She isn't ill herself, and she isn't taking on any caring duties, so there is no reason she should not work as normal.

@NikeDeLaSwoosh

You have a manager problem, and YANBU at all to have a big issue with it.

Your colleague is irrelevant here, and yes, YWBU to take it out on her.

Thank you everyone for your continued advice!

I’m ‘in the loo’ so I’ll have to keep this brief.

Colleague is still in work, not off.
Manager knows we are all overwhelmed with work, hence they’ve reduced it for colleague.
I should have said no, but I was caught off-guard and after being told about colleagues mother, I felt I had to say OK.
But I have an appointment to see manager at 5.30, so will say that I need to know what to prioritise and take that route.

@NikeDeLaSwoosh
I haven’t taken anything out on my colleague? I’ve only spoken to her to express how sorry I was to hear her news.

I asked if I am being mean because I felt guilty that I’m ‘feeling it’s unfair’ and I’m struggling with that. I would never say anything to my colleague as it’s not her fault.

This isn't about your colleague and anyone trying to blindly guess whether or not she should have reduced or normal workloads is bang out of order.

This is about you and how much work you can reasonably be expected to do. Follow the great advice from people suggesting you keep the focus on that only.

YANBU. Whilst it's understandable that you feel sorry for your colleague, you need to speak to your manager about your workload.

Many moon ago I had a manager who assigned me all the tasks that my colleague, who had resigned, used to do. He pretended to look for a replacement, but obviously it was cheaper just having me doing two jobs for one salary. (he also gave me some of his tasks).

I was so stressed that ended up making two small mistakes, not relating to the job I had been hired for, and got threatened to get fired. I still remember him saying ."If you don't improve I will have to fire you". In that moment I was in pieces, so stressed, my job was having negative effects on my relationship with DH (then DP).

Bottom line, you shouldn't be overworked and so stressed. Speak to him. I'd probably start looking for a new job too.

forgot to ask: are you in a union? Anticipating a negative answer: join one.

I will speak to my manager after work today and explain that I cannot take on all of the extra.

Go armed with a summary of your tasks "as is" and the tasks "to be" (after having all this extra work dumped on you). If you're being kind (and want to pick the ones you want to do) highlight the ones you can continue with from now. And highlight the ones that you can't because there are only 8 hours in a work day (or whatever).

I'm not completely up-to-date with what the rules are in the UK but in Germany you are not allowed to work more than 10 hours a day, and after 6 hours you must have a 30 minute break, after 9 hours a 45 minute break. Of course the UK is different as you are allowed to be exploited somewhat.

Good luck.

I wouldn't go in with the 'not fair' attitude, I'd go in with the 'I'm already doing more than is possible in my working hours. I'm happy to do 'Jane's' work, but we need a junior to take on xyz'.

Boundary/solution.

I was an a job where there were many time consuming meetings that took up hours when we should have been working. Often colelagues were required to attend meetings which did not directly concern them or their work.

I made sure that I took all the assigned breaks and lunches. Inevitably the actual work that I should have been doing fell behind. When my manager noticed this I went to her with a breakdown of how much time had been (mis)spent in meetings during the previous month, and how little of the working day remained for actually getting the work done. Of course she did not like it when the truth was presented to her in this obvious way and I was awarded the reputation of being rather "confrontational". However as I was coming up to retirement age and I knew it would be my last contract I rather enjoyed the opportunity to do a bit of gaslighting.

Email is your friend here. You explain to your manager that whilst of course you will support your colleague you are already doing a full time job. Detail what you do and the hours you do. Ask your manager to prioritise what is important and what can wait. It may mean doing the important bits for both your roles which is fine.

Your manager needs to either reduce the workload or find additional resource. This is their problem to sort.

If you take this on you will become sick.

I had this once. I was worked into a stress breakdown. Once I was off 3 people did my job. Please do not let this happen to you.

If you are not in a union then please join one. Mine saved me.

It makes no business sense to overload you because what happens when you are sick?

You’re not being spiteful. Clearly your colleague is going through an awful time and your employer is being very thoughtful in reducing her workload.
It’s not ok however for you to be loaded with all her work. Are you able to speak to your manager and explain how you feel.

OP, make sure you create a trail to cover your back. Once you've had your meeting, make sure to email your manager a summary covering any discussion and conclusions/agreements on what you'll be doing. And if they reply to you verbally, ask them to confirm in writing.

Makes it harder for your manager to go down the "I never said that" route.

I do thnk your manager is being unfair, if he knows your workload and is aware that you are doing extra hours already and also not taking breaks. That's actually poor management on his behalf.

Good luck in the meeting.

Good luck!

Write everything down!

Meeting cancelled. Manager has to rush home.
Will be putting it in an email instead. Thanks to everyone for your ideas, I will be using them.

I’m going to finish up here in the next hour hopefully and then go home. I’m treating us to a chippy to save me some time this evening.

I feel defeated and that they know what I was going to say...trying to avoid hearing it even.

It sounds as though you need another staff member anyway if the workload is known as a problem for everyone. Now would be a good time to hire someone. Make sure you keep an email trail so that everything is recorded, and good luck!

I would be saying to your manager (or clearly emailing) that if they want you to take on extra work which of the work you already do, do they want you to drop? Because you don’t have the capacity to take on more. Be very matter of fact about it, very clear that you already work over your hours so how would they like you to prioritise?

After all they don’t want you both going off sick do they?

I went through almost exactly the same situation. My colleague was off for nearly 12 months and I had 90% of her work passed to me. When she came back, management decided to leave her work with me. It was relentless. I was going in early, finishing late, and it was still impossible to catch up. I ended up on sick leave with stress and ultimately handed my notice in. Please put your health first.

Please mention what overtime you are averaging a week.
Include your non breaks in this time.

I feel defeated and that they know what I was going to say...trying to avoid hearing it even

No need to feel defeated, OP - in some ways they've done you a favour since it'll be better to ask in writing

If they really don't want to hear it then they're failing at the job, but that still doesn't make it your problem. If that happens, just ask again each time you approach a new task ... with any luck they'll step up just to get you off their back

I think this is very unreasonable (your manager, I mean). Clearly your other colleague needs help, but since you're already overstretched then I think you need to explain that to your manager. Presumably she will be able to help your colleague?

Make sure you send the email tonight and can you put a meeting in your managers outlook To discuss it tomorrow?

This gives you a chance to document, as many of us have advised, exactly what tasks you already complete, and what the added work is.

Stay very factual, list tasks clearly, and ask which they want prioritised. Make sure you have their agreement on that so that they can't claim down the line that x or y should have been completed, when they agree now that it has to go on the back burner.

As I said upthread, if the job could be done by one person, there wouldn't be two roles there. And start working proper hours, taking breaks etc.

YANBU at all and this is shit management. When there's a crisis and there's too much work for my team to handle it's me who takes on the bulk of the extra, because that's what I'm paid for. Don't let your manager take advantage.

I've been there too. I'd send an email reiterating that you're happy to support your colleague but that given you were already struggling with workload, you will need to work out a clear list of priorities.

Then set out a draft plan including the most urgent things from yours and colleague's lists, what can be farmed out, what can wait until colleague operating at full capacity again. Use a very reasonable tone, state that you're happy for manager to rejig it. There is no need to be confrontational yet, you're presenting a solution (your list of priorities) not creating problems (can't do all that work).

I'd post an outline here, make sure copy in managers + 1 if possible so it cannot be ignored. I'd also start keeping a time log of hours spent doing xyz and ask what they want you to cut. This would be a good opportunity for you to sort out your overworking situation while you are about it. Good luck.