Am I just being incredibly mean?

[Tiredandstressed9]

I’ve name changed for this one.

I am very stressed at work. I don’t stop. Never have time for breaks or lunch. Work well over my hours daily to get my tasks completed.

Anyway, I had a meeting with my manager this morning. One of my colleagues is going through a rough patch and she really is. Her mum has been diagnosed with breast cancer and will now start treatment. They have no idea how bad it is yet.

To support my colleague, my manager has reduced her work load, but given it to me.

I feel completely pissed off about it.

On the one hand, I really feel badly for this lady. On the other hand, the additional work will affect my time with my family and adds to my stress.

My chest feels like it’s being crushed and I feel sick with the stress and additional work.

There is no one else to share the additional workload. Just me and this lady. There is no ‘timeline’ for how long this will be expected of me.

Am I being spiteful even resenting this?
I feel terrible.

No, it is definitely not fair to put you under such pressure op. Please speak with your manager. It is not okay to put it all on you!

I will speak to my manager after work today and explain that I cannot take on all of the extra

Very wise, OP - and if you just get a blah-blah answer, you could try asking which tasks they'd prefer you to prioritise
Clearly you can't do it all, and that way you focus their mind and avoid any comeback if they're tempted to blame you for whatever's not done

You're not being at all unreasonable for feeling like this but you are being unreasonable for not speaking up before now & letting your bosses know that your workload is unmanageable. Why didn't you say anything when they piled even more on you?? If they genuinely don't know what the situation is then you can't really accuse them of being unfair. 🤷‍♀️

Is your colleague her mum's only support? Is she going to be accompanying her to treatment?

OP said not - in fact the lady can't even visit her mum during Covid - so the allowances being made work wise are because she's upset

Why has he given you her workload? Her mum needs the treatment; not her.
Something feels wrong about this arrangement.

YANBU BUT you need to speak to your line manager in an official capacity so that they are 100% clear of your situation.

Of course your colleague can't help it and they are doing the right thing by her but they need to understand that you are already running at full capacity and these additional expectations must be managed.

You can only do what you can do, OP. You can't ignore your kids for months.

Just lay your cards out & make sure HR are aware.

You are not being spiteful by not wanting even more work loaded on you. It is your managers to distribute the work fairly given the sad circumstance.

I would have a list of everything within your remit and tell the manager you simply cant fit it all in, please can she email you a priority order of all the jobs.

Or you do a list and rank them in your priority list with the ones that simply wont get done, ones that may do if you can and ones that are your priorty.
You would welcome any amendments, but be clear, that is not bumping them up the list, it is replacing others. You can only do so much

When my manager ‘told’ me I’d be doing the other work, I just said OK. I didn’t know what else to say at the time
No, would have been a start. Don't be a martyr.

I'm an HR Manager. A few years ago I was given this excellent advice which always stuck with me. I'd go back to your manager and say something along the lines of 'I'm really happy to support X and don't mind taking on extra responsibility, however my current workload is already taking me XX hours and I'd therefore like to know what you want me to stop doing in order to support her'.

Also, always go armed with the detail of how long your work is taking and why it takes this long. People often don't understand what is actually involved in the tasks you are doing. Good luck

Go back to manager and say, OK, this is what I think I can do. What don't you want me to do? I've prioritised - this is what I think. Also if you can talk to your colleague about what needs done and what is nice to do. And talk to your manager about what a temp could do to pick up the slack.

absolutely not mean or spiteful to think this, or to speak to manager. i'd be doing exactly the same.

also as a manager, if i knew you weren't taking regular breaks and were working late most days i'd be wondering why and what could be done to help.

i've been in a similar position. two colleagues left the team in my old jobs and i was dumped upon. I just took it. until i cracked. yes the overtime pay was good. but the 14 hour days weren't fun. i almost lost everything - sanity, DH etc.

i started being strict with myself. and only working contracted hours, and then making sure i took my whole lunch break and making sure i got outside every day. i worked hard during work time and "breaked" hard during break time. work weren't happy but i pointed out i was dong the work of 3 people and it wasn't sustainable. promised that things would be better etc and i believed it.

eventually i handed my notice in and forced the issue. they had to get someone else to cover me as i wouldn't be there.

Get HR involved as soon as, and make sure that they are aware that you are working at full capacity and ask them which of the tasks they want you to drop - in case things get dropped.

Yes to sorting out priorities! You can pitch this to your manager as ‘let’s have a chat to talk about what should be prioritised as obviously I can’t just absorb additional tasks.’ Do say supportive phrases as you're pleased to assist xx and sorry she’s having a hard time, but keep very firm about the fact that this means other things will 100% be de-prioritised or dropped completely. Then stick to your regular hours like clockwork.

I think you should speak to your manager, not in a 'you've given me too much work' way but in a 'I'm happy doing an extra 1.5 hours a day as I have been doing but I don't think it's possible to do more than this and you've given me an extra 2 hours a day, I just wanted to check with you what we can leave completely, what we can postpone, what we can outsource, what you can help me with, and what you want me to prioritise'

If they state you need to try and keep the extra work make sure when you can’t get everything done you email saying you can do x but can’t do y ask what takes priority etc. So you have shown you can’t juggle it all and asked for support

OP, YANBU, but you should have spoken up at the time. It's not too late though as everyone is saying, to speak to the manager honestly now. Explain how many extra hours you are already working and how you never have a break, and state that you cannot work any more hours and therefore you need to come up with a plan as to how this work will be covered and what tasks should be prioritised.

If they get arsy about it, then stop working extra hours, take your breaks (it is illegal if they don't let you, although I used to work through my lunch hour most days while munching a sandwich) and do as much of your work as you can in those hours. You might have to do that to get the point across if they don't see where you are coming from.

You should also discuss your own workload if you are having to work extra hours to get it all done.

You have a manager problem, and YANBU at all to have a big issue with it.

Your colleague is irrelevant here, and yes, YWBU to take it out on her.

This would be all kinds of wrong even if it were actually your work colleague who had the diagnosis herself, let alone a relative. She presumably has no caring responsibilities for her mum if she cannot see her due to Covid?

Take your lunch breaks. Even if it means sitting in your car or going for a walk. Not healthy not to. Sometimes the more that you do the more you are expected to do.

@Tiredandstressed9

I haven’t mentioned it to my colleague, only spoken to her to express how sad I am to hear her news.

My manager is aware of my workload, especially in the current climate.

When my manager ‘told’ me I’d be doing the other work, I just said OK. I didn’t know what else to say at the time.

Colleague is not caring for her mother, but cannot visit due to Covid, so is very emotional as you can imagine.

Can your manager take some workload?

Otherwise a part-timer may be useful

You going off with stress won't help anyone.

Work out exactly what you will say to your manager. Offer solutions - for example you can take on X task from your colleague but you will have to de-prioritise your own task Z which is less time pressured. Could you tell him that you were already going to ask him about taking on another staff member as your own tasks are not really achievable in the time you are paid for and you are not willing to do unpaid overtime for much longer? You could suggest a lower paid staff member that you can offload some of the less skilled work onto?

Somebody else having a hard time doesn't mean you have infinite reserves. The two things are unconnected.

You are being poorly managed. Don't stand for it because otherwise you will be relied upon more and more to do extra things. You need to demonstrate that there is a point at which you will say 'no'. Your manager needs to find another way to get the work done.

Yes, I should have added "get the priorities emailed" in my earlier suggestion
Actually requesting it in writing would be a good idea too; no need to go OTT, but just having it on record could be useful

Also push back politely on any delaying tactics, comments about the company folding if you don't do it, or "I'll leave it up to you's" ... they're the manger so it's their job to manage

@Mia1415

I'm an HR Manager. A few years ago I was given this excellent advice which always stuck with me. I'd go back to your manager and say something along the lines of 'I'm really happy to support X and don't mind taking on extra responsibility, however my current workload is already taking me XX hours and I'd therefore like to know what you want me to stop doing in order to support her'. Also, always go armed with the detail of how long your work is taking and why it takes this long. People often don't understand what is actually involved in the tasks you are doing. Good luck

This is good advice.

But if your manager knows that you are already NOT getting your legal work breaks and are already working unpaid overtime, you need to insert that.

"As you know I have been unable to take lunch breaks and am working overtime to try and keep up with my present workload."

You need to note this.
When you become ill because of your workload, not if, it will be useful to have a papertrail.

I also can't see why your colleague will not be at work.
Of course this is upsetting for her but her taking extended time off work is very strange.

I would be looking for another job or you will very soon find yourself ill with stress.

Your manager clearly doesn't give a shit about you so you really need to look out for yourself.

I:d suggest you go armed with your list of current tasks and seek to discuss which could drop to accommodate the new work.

This lady's problems are a separate issue to the most impotant one here which is this- why the hell are you not taking breaks or at the very minimum lunch?? I would have been taking my breaks as well as lunch and if something doesn't get done, tough. And if manager brings it up, well they need more staff, clearly.