AIBU to address my friend's lateness?

[ThePriceOfSugar]

A close friend whom I see often cancelled a special weekend plan today after insisting last week that she was free and to lock it in. She had forgotten a prior arrangement she'd made. She was very apologetic, but this is very far from the first time she's been late, flaky or uncompromising - it's about every 2nd time we hang out, which is fortnightly at least.

She was shocked by the message and says she will reply tomorrow. Was I unreasonable to tell her that her bad time management was a problem?

Exact message I sent:

Hey. I held back until I became chill. I understand this was an honest mistake and you feel bad. But I want to take this moment and tell you that while it's not every time, these lapses in time management make me and other people upset. Whether it's lateness or being inflexible when other people compromise, it is noticeable and makes the other party feel like their time is worth less than yours. I say this with love and experience, because one day four years ago a close friend gave me a sharp rebuke about my being late to hang out with him and it was a really important wake up call for me, and I made sure to plan appropriately after that so it never happened again. I hope this will be the same for you. It's not the end of the world, and I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. X

A lot of the time people like this are oblivious (or ignorant maybe) so she might be shocked/surprised at your message. I don’t think you’re unreasonable to address it if it’s bothering you, better than leaving things unsaid, letting the annoyance build up and it ruining the friendship!

I think that's a really kind message. You're right and brave to be so open and honest with her and I hope she sees that. If she takes it well then it will make your relationship stronger.

So many problems created or at least worsened by people not telling each other clearly and honestly how they feel

It's a bit long and pompous.

@Hilda40

It's a bit long and pompous.

Yeah

Well, your friend needed it to be pointed out although I think inflexible was the wrong word to use as the meaning is different than someone not following through with the plans she made with you and cancelling last minute because she double books.

I would have given her a diary so she could write down her appointments/plans so this doesn't happen or better yet, show her how to use it on her phone and add both reminders and travel time to her appointments in the online calendar.

Quite surprised she doesn’t have a long list of friends who have dumped her for this behaviour. It’s very disrespectful.

Definitely not U to raise it with her.

I have two friends like this, they were surprised when I stopped initiating plans and contact but I just couldn't be bothered anymore. We have a lovely time when we do catch up but it's unusual these days. Covid/lockdown permitting.

I have a friend who sent almost exactly this kind of message to me.

Now I contact her much less and feel much less close to her. You're not wrong to have your own boundaries and preferences. But being like your friend, I just prefer a much more flexible approach and I like that in my friends too.

My best friend knows she can cancel on me at any time and I do the same. We can also go a month without getting in touch and without feeling like we've fucked up by not contacting one another.

I have a few friends who have the same mindset as you and while I understand it, frankly it stresses me out so much you cant imagine. When I received the same kind of message you sent, I felt like an employee. I have also been on the receiving end of messages finger wagging at me for having gone weeks without being in touch. I understand exactly where they are coming from but at the same time it creates pressure and it frustrates me.

Don't be surprised if she replies understandingly but then pulls back.

Why the need to say that it's an issue for you and others? Surely it's up to the others to say it bothers them too?

My teenage best friend was like this, I remember one time in particular she was late by an hour. I called her when she was 10 mins late, 30 mins and again around 50 mins at which point she'd actually set off but she'd told me in the first call she was almost ready. I didn't say anything at the time (being about 16) but really wish I had and would now.

I think you shouldn't have brought other people into it or your past experience. Lateness and inflexibility are also 2 different things, she isn't being rude to be inflexible but you'll just have to decide in those situations if you can compromise or just find a different time to meet up altogether.

I can also see why she was a little shocked if no one else has mentioned it to her before but it's done now. I mean she can make it to work on time otherwise she wouldn't have a job and she can get her kids to school on time so why can't she meet you on time.

Out of interest, where are you living where such a meeting is allowed under current restrictions (appreciate you might not be in the UK)?

It sounds very formal for a close friend, is that how you normally talk to each other?

I think it’s all a bit intense and serious. My friend is habitually late and so I just leave to meet her about half an hour after our agreed time knowing she won’t be ready yet. She’s a bit of a flake but we have a mutual understanding that we can flake on each other if we need to without the other being upset. I’ve just accepted over the years that she’s never going to change, she’d be late to her own funeral, it’s just the person she is.

I think in future if you’re making plans with her, just have a second plan in mind just incase she flakes!

@seepingweeping

Why the need to say that it's an issue for you and others? Surely it's up to the others to say it bothers them too?

I thought that

Telling her how you feel and explaining yourself- Good
The wording and tone of that message- Bad

Honestly, I would think you were bang out of order and I'd contact you a lot less. The message is intense, hypocritical, and far too serious for a friendship. It sounds like a boss scolding a junior employee. I think your intentions were probably good but don't be surprised if you don't get the reaction you wanted.

You were right to bring it up, but your message sounded too much like a HR manager.

Fine to raise it but think it was a bit much to raise it as though you were speaking in behalf of the many. She may take that to mean you’ve all been bitching about her and you’ve purposely tried to put doubt in her mind about everyone’s feelings towards her which is a bit of a shit thing to do. Would have been better to say “I know these things happen but this happens a lot makes ME feel a bit crap when you cancel/rock up late/ won’t comprise. I don’t want to fall out but wanted you to know how I feel”
I think you might find she pulls away after your message and I say that as someone who is a stickler for time keeping

YANBU

Others have commented on the tone. I don’t know if that is in keeping with your usual style of writing or not.

In terms of content, I would have probably been more direct but you do get your point across.

Only you know your friend so only you can say if this is the best way of getting your point across.

I said YANBU because this sort of thing pisses me off. I hate repeated lateness or cancelled plans without a decent reason. It makes me feel that, as you say, my time is less important than theirs. And life is too short to deal with that resentment building up. YANBU

Curious how many people are fine with lateness.

She's highly sensitive to criticism so I had to lay it out in a very neutral way. This is how she talks to me about serious things.

Also by the way I've used the forgotten a prior arrangement excuse loads of times, more likely is she just can't be bothered or doesn't want to anymore.

With the friends I hold dearest we can actually say to one another "actually I just cant be fucked to leave the house tomorrow - do you mind if we postpone?" and the other will say sure. Because even if someone cancels on you theres always stuff to be getting on with, right? Films and books you've been planning on watching or reading, pottering, whatever.

With my friends who are more uptight theres no way you can say that- cue sad faces, or one word replies that let you know you've really upset them. So you end up just caving and meeting up. I've actually had situations where I've met up despite telling them beforehand that I wasnt really feeling up to it, but they've replied "Okay 😔" so I've ended up just going.

This is absolutely mind blowing to me - like you would actually prefer to hang out with me despite knowing I'm not in the mood? If someone texted me that I'd much rather get on with my own stuff than basically strong arm them into meeting.

Same with texts. I have one friend I havent heard from in two months - I just assume shes busy or not in the mood to chat, but when she is she'll get in touch. Meanwhile I have other friends who basically make you feel hounded. You spend 90% of your time feeling guilty, and 10% of your time frustrated when you write to them because at the back of your mind you know you are expected to because it's been too long. Again, I always wonder why on earth you would prefer to essentially corner someone into having a conversation with you. Wheres the joy in that?

Basically I've concluded that we have friends who we love dearly but who actually we arent all that compatible with. It's a joy when not only do you click with someone, but you also find your communication styles gel perfectly. It's interesting because in romantic relationships we would just call it a day, but with friendships, it's more intricate.

It sounds really pompous and formal.

I don’t see a problem with the message, it annoys me when people are flaky or late as well

It's a bit formal and drawn out to send to a good friend. Personally I empathise as flakiness drives me absolutely mental and I've stopped contacting/responding to a few friends as a result.

Yeah life gets in the way sometimes, things come up, fine. But when someone is continually late, constantly cancelling on plans etc it shows absolutely no regard for the other person and how it fucks up their plans and the like. Pet hate for me.

@CrotchBurn

I have a friend who sent almost exactly this kind of message to me.

Now I contact her much less and feel much less close to her. You're not wrong to have your own boundaries and preferences. But being like your friend, I just prefer a much more flexible approach and I like that in my friends too.

My best friend knows she can cancel on me at any time and I do the same. We can also go a month without getting in touch and without feeling like we've fucked up by not contacting one another.

I have a few friends who have the same mindset as you and while I understand it, frankly it stresses me out so much you cant imagine. When I received the same kind of message you sent, I felt like an employee. I have also been on the receiving end of messages finger wagging at me for having gone weeks without being in touch. I understand exactly where they are coming from but at the same time it creates pressure and it frustrates me.

Don't be surprised if she replies understandingly but then pulls back.

Some people look forward to things. Especially during lockdown. And some people have to juggle conflicting priorities, childcare etc. Excluding real emergencies and last minute things that really can't be helped, sod flexible arrangements. Its downright rude to let someone down for a special weekend at short notice in the name of flexibility. If you say you are going to meet someone then you keep your word and if you don't think you are able to commit then you dont make the plans in the first place. I have been that disappointed friend before. I made plans with a mum friend to go to an indoor mall before covid. The weather was appalling and I needed to buy something from a certain shop. Friend asked if we could just go to the town centre in her local town as it was easier for her and she was running late. This was a much longer journey for me and it wasnt undercover but I agreed. Ds and I were nearly there on the bus when she sent me a text saying she didnt fancy it in the torrential rain and lets do it another time. She also got a similar message to the one above.

I understand the not being in touch every minute of every day or even weekly but it takes 30 seconds to send a quick text or WhatsApp message to say hope you are ok, will be lovely to catch up soon. Checking in on friends is more important now than ever

I would be annoyed and see you a lot less. I’m an adult and don’t need to be “called out” for my behaviour. If you don’t like what I’m doing then don’t hang out with me, but conversely don’t act like my mum.

I think the sentiment is right - you should be able to tell friends when you feel let down etc, but it’s possibly a bit long and I’m not sure if the wording is right. I probably would’ve sent something a bit more casual, but I suppose it depends on your friendship.