AIBU to address my friend's lateness?

[ThePriceOfSugar]

A close friend whom I see often cancelled a special weekend plan today after insisting last week that she was free and to lock it in. She had forgotten a prior arrangement she'd made. She was very apologetic, but this is very far from the first time she's been late, flaky or uncompromising - it's about every 2nd time we hang out, which is fortnightly at least.

She was shocked by the message and says she will reply tomorrow. Was I unreasonable to tell her that her bad time management was a problem?

Exact message I sent:

Hey. I held back until I became chill. I understand this was an honest mistake and you feel bad. But I want to take this moment and tell you that while it's not every time, these lapses in time management make me and other people upset. Whether it's lateness or being inflexible when other people compromise, it is noticeable and makes the other party feel like their time is worth less than yours. I say this with love and experience, because one day four years ago a close friend gave me a sharp rebuke about my being late to hang out with him and it was a really important wake up call for me, and I made sure to plan appropriately after that so it never happened again. I hope this will be the same for you. It's not the end of the world, and I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. X

Your message was a bit long-winded but I understand your frustration.

Within our group of friends one was often late for trip to theatre etc., we would be waiting at the Tube and then we'd all be frantic in case we were late for curtains-up.

One day we just went without her and she was never late again!

You should really speak about issues like this rather than message.

Fine to say to a friend that their constant lateness is a problem.

However it's appallingly written - excruciatingly prim and pompous and loooooooooong. Is this how you normally speak/write to a friend? Or to anyone? Also agree with pp that it's really not on to mention "others".

This is absolutely mind blowing to me - like you would actually prefer to hang out with me despite knowing I'm not in the mood? If someone texted me that I'd much rather get on with my own stuff than basically strong arm them into meeting.

If we'd made arrangements and you text me last minute to cancel because you're 'not in the mood ' I'd be very hurt and in no rush to reschedule

She’s not that into you. 🤷‍♀️

To those continuing to roast the tone, this is a message she sent to me last week when I recommended a YouTuber for her to watch:

Oh cool, I'll research her rawness and vulnerability.
I was thinking about the documenting idea yesterday and I think it'll be a great exercise.

I don't like having to talk like this either but if I am more direct she will be completely devastated.

YANBU to let her know lateness pisses you off.

YABU with the wording and tone of the text. I’d be seriously pissed off (before laughing at the pomposity it & the sender) if I received it.

It reads like you’re talking to an employee (and could perhaps do with some manage my training). It’s SO patronising from a mate.

I think one person has said they don't mind about lateness on this thread which makes me think you have literacy issues maybe? Which would explain the odd way you have phrased your text.

Her text does not come close to the tone of yours. Hers is her personality / isn’t personal to you. Yours is a critique of her and should have been far less formal. Her silence perhaps indicates you got it wrong on this occasion.

@Nanny0gg

This is absolutely mind blowing to me - like you would actually prefer to hang out with me despite knowing I'm not in the mood? If someone texted me that I'd much rather get on with my own stuff than basically strong arm them into meeting.

If we'd made arrangements and you text me last minute to cancel because you're 'not in the mood ' I'd be very hurt and in no rush to reschedule

Exactly. Its just so arrogant. There have been times where I havent really been in the mood to meet up with a friend but I have still gone because we had made plans and because its not all about me. Most of the time I end up enjoying myself and in a much better mood than when I started.

What on earth does “I held out until I became chill” mean?

you WERE too direct and formal

I think you are tone deaf, you got it wrong, you should ring her up and talk it through.

I hate lateness, I find it incredibly rude and it makes me very angry.

But your text makes it sound like everyone she knows is fed up with her and I’d have been very upset if someone sent that to me, especially just dropped into a very ‘my head of year is angry with me’ message. I think the way you’ve worded it is quite hurtful.

You’ve said she would be devastated if you were more direct: that WAS more direct! And she’s clearly upset. It’s weird you think you have to speak to people by doing an impression of the way they word things.

Accusing OP of literacy issues? Really?

I have a friend who sounds similar, not in terms of lateness, but in her reaction to criticism, and I would need to do similar when raising an issue, keep it very formal, examples of the behaviour etc otherwise she would fly off the handle in a tantrum. It doesn't really matter if you wouldn't like the tone - OP is better placed to know how to communicate with her own friend.

Lateness and flakiness is abhorrent. It is incredibly arrogant to insist that your need for 'flexibility' aka drop plans last minute, trumps someone else's need to schedule their time or look forward to things. Those people responding with sad faces are actually incredibly mad at you but have been conditioned that there is no point trying to bring it up properly as like on this thread, they will somehow be turned into the bad guy.

I probably would have pussy footed around a bit more and not been so direct in the message but then again I am a massive pushover and wouldn't have had the guts to send it in the first place.

I think flakiness is unacceptable. I think it shows lack of empathy in a person and I would struggle to be friends with someone like that.

Oh but OP, I would apologise for bringing other people into it - that isn't really your place and if I was your friend I'd be mostly upset by that. It's a bit of a sly way to get the upper hand in a disagreement.

@ThePriceOfSugar

Curious how many people are fine with lateness.

She's highly sensitive to criticism so I had to lay it out in a very neutral way. This is how she talks to me about serious things.

Hard hat on OP. I dumped a friend after his chronic lateness (and the fact he would change the time/date/location of our plans a million times every time we arranged to meet up) and when I posted about it on here I was told I was BU.

But then just look at how many posts on here are from people being walked over by their families, friends, husbands etc.

I think the message you sent was was fine and in fact very polite. It is absolutely the case that she thinks her time is worth more than yours.

With the friend I dumped, the stress and irritation of waiting for him every fucking time we arranged to meet ended up outweighing the good time we had when we were together. I miss him occasionally but absolutely don't miss the irritation of trying to meet up with him.

Depending on how she reacts I would also be tempted to give her a taste of her own medicine by planning a time with her and then making sure you arrive an hour after she does.

I ended a friendship because of someone like your friend. I was over making plans and arranging my life and them being late or cancelling. It is so arrogant to think that you have nothing better to do than wait for them. YANBU

Thanks Pukka. Being accused of having "literacy issues" was hilarious. I'm glad you understand the tantrum avoidance strategy here.

Honestly? I’d rather have a friend who cancelled on me every so often and who got life outside our plans happens than someone who sent me a message like that 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm chronically late and forget appointments. It wasn't till I was in my mid 40s that I discovered it's because I have ADHD.

People with ADHD really struggle with time keeping, and other people's lack of understanding and "helpful" comments like "just plan to leave a bit earlier" just make us feel pretty shit, especially if undiagnosed and have no idea why timekeeping seems so easy "on paper" yet we struggle so.

Even with a diagnosis, people are still judgemental IME, and say stupidly unhelpful things like "you just don't value other people's time enough".

Chronic lateness when caused by poor executive (brain) function has nothing to do with laziness, or not valuing friends, or thinking our time is more important.

I have no idea if your friend has ADHD, but she may do (lots of women, especially, walking around with undiagnosed ADHD). On the little information you give about her, though, eg her sensitivity to criticism as well as her lateness (look up RSD / rejection sensitivity and ADHD) I'd hazard a guess it's a realistic possibility.

Your comments about not valuing other people's time will just make her feel shit. I've heard comments like yours loads, they've just made me feel shit about myself, not helped me be on time

Try to be a friend and understand her lateness as something she struggles with and ask what you can do to help, instead of telling her off like a naughty child. FFS.

I used to be piss poor with my time management.

I lost a really good friend because of it. She was about to move to London and we arranged to meet up. I was running late and misjudged how long it would take me to get to her. I ended up being an hour late.

She was so angry at me. And rightly so. I was completely oblivious when I rocked up and walked towards her. And then she just laid into me. I have NEVER forgotten it.

She said:

Time is the most precious thing someone can give you. You can't get it back. So if someone is willing to give you their time, you should treat them with respect and appreciate that gift

You are right to establish your boundaries. You are right to be annoyed and feel disrespected. You are right to say something.
People who think others time isn't important are selfish or self-absorbed. I was... and I didn't understand it until that moment when I lost my friend.

Unless you live in NZ, Australia or the Antarctic, you are being unreasonable.

Just to add - I also used to be a chronically late person. So much so my friends used to joke I had my own time zone. It was something I secretly saw as cool and edgy.

In my 20s I realised how utterly shit it is to be the person waiting. Basically I grew up and stopped treating other people like they were sidekicks in a reality TV show about me.

I also began to hate the stress of running late.

Now I managed my time much more carefully and can't abide lateness. From myself or anyone else.

To the people posting on here who say the OP should be more "flexible" and that if you received such a message you wouldn't want to be friends with the OP anymore - your arrogance is breathtaking. Grow up.

The lateness and short notice cancellation would really annoy me, but I’d probably just seethe in silence, so well done for actually raising it

It does make it pretty awkward though, it is basically a telling off... hopefully she’ll take it well.

Either she’ll change, or you won’t be seeing much of her... so problem solved either way!