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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to exes present?

138 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 16:36

I posted on Xmas day about my ex, he hasn’t seen our children since November with basically every excuse in the book as to why, he just stopped bothering. On xmas day he asked if he could call them and speak to them, I was a bit unsure about posted about it, basically everyone said to let him as he is their dad etc, so he called and spoke to them and promised my son a PS4, to this day they have still not seen him. He texted me over a week ago to say the reason was that he had been unwell and that was that, nothing again till this weekend where I thought I would check if he was still sick, bare in mind I hadn’t heard anything for a week and my son is asking me repeatedly why his dad hasn’t brought the present, I wouldn’t usually contact him first but I was expecting him to have at least made plans by this weekend (my son has autism and was struggling to understand the explanation I gave)

I texted him asking if he was still sick and he said he wasn’t and he would bring it today (the next day) I explained that this wasn’t convenient and I needed notice before him showing up (he seems to think he can just tell me the day before) but I was also a bit annoyed that he wasn’t ill anymore but had made no plans with me about the present and left it to me to chase him. Anyway he said he would bring it and wasn’t planning on staying and if I don’t want him to see them again after then that’s “fair enough.” I told him not to bother then, he seriously doesn’t care if he sees them again or not, this is someone that has frequently gone years without seeing them and seems to come back once a year asking to see them only
To disappear again after a few months. He’s now texting me over and over asking to drop the present because he “isn’t wasting his money” aibu to tell him to keep it? Seriously he sees no issue with dropping them a present and not seeing them again.

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 17/01/2021 16:39

I’d let him bring it.

cherrypie111 · 17/01/2021 16:40

Yabu

Let your children's father drop a gift off for them fgs

MagnoliaBeige · 17/01/2021 16:41

It’s not a present for you, it’s for your child. Let him drop it in and deal with his visitation (or lack of) as a seperate issue.

Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 16:41

They haven’t seen him since November, so you would let him bring it then happily not see them again? They are very confused by his actions and find it upsetting

OP posts:
Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 16:42

Wow ok! I’m unreasonable for not wanting my children to get hurt by a father that keeps dipping in and out when he feels like it?

OP posts:
cherrypie111 · 17/01/2021 16:42

@Givemeabreak88

They haven’t seen him since November, so you would let him bring it then happily not see them again? They are very confused by his actions and find it upsetting
Yes.

It's not a gift for you. They have already been told about the PS4

MeanWeedratStew · 17/01/2021 16:44

Are you planning on telling your kids that you refused the gift they were promised?

Cattitudes · 17/01/2021 16:46

If you don't and they get in touch later he will paint it that you wouldn't let him. Look at the number of people on here still sad they didn't get a Mr Frosty. Your son wants the present, ex wants to give it to him. Don't chase him to stay in touch but if you say he can't then you will be seen as unreasonable. Let him show them he is unreasonable all by himself.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 17/01/2021 16:46

Buy them a PS4 yourself if you don't want his.

Twospaniels · 17/01/2021 16:49

Let him bring the presents. It’s for your child not you.

Deal with the visiting issues separately .

Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 16:50

I’m not saying it’s for me? The present was promised on Xmas day, it’s 3 weeks later, I can’t believe people think he is the reasonable one that hasn’t seen them since November but ok 🙄

OP posts:
Blackdog19 · 17/01/2021 16:55

Nobody is saying he is reasonable, he isn’t at all. But it isn’t fair to your dc, I expect they’re really excited about the PS4

MeanWeedratStew · 17/01/2021 16:56

The children are going to be hurt/confused by their father's fickleness with or without the gift. So I don't understand how you think you will be making things better for them by preventing them from receiving this gift (which they know about and have been looking forward to).

In later years, they may look back on this incident as "the time Mum denied us a PS4 to get back at Dad". I don't think you'll come out of this well.

BoattoBolivia · 17/01/2021 16:57

He is obviously being very unreasonable, but by saying no to him, you are hurting your children because you are (understandably) angry with him. Let him drop off the present, so he has nothing to complain about, then stop chasing him up to see the children. From everything I have heard on here, the children will see through him eventually- be the bigger person.

Brieminewine · 17/01/2021 16:57

Neither of you are painting yourself in glory. Him for not being proactive in seeing the kids and you for trying to prevent him seeing them.

Get off mumsnet and let the man see his kids fgs.

RedShark · 17/01/2021 16:57

I completely side with you here OP, I’ve had a very similar situation, and I’m not happy with EXH rocking up and showering the DC’s with gifts and leaving. What kind of message does that send to DC, that they’re only important at Christmas and daddy won’t bother with them any other time of year?!
I think the inconsistent contact and the following uncertainty it will cause the children is unfair, you will be dealing with the fallout of that, not EXH.
YANBU

Lulu1919 · 17/01/2021 16:57

He's in the wrong.
BUT
If the children know about the gift...then let him drop it round ...hand it over and then it's done.
This means you have been the adult and risen above his failings.
This is what the children will remember in the future

cherrypie111 · 17/01/2021 16:57

@Givemeabreak88

I’m not saying it’s for me? The present was promised on Xmas day, it’s 3 weeks later, I can’t believe people think he is the reasonable one that hasn’t seen them since November but ok 🙄
The point is it's not your gift, you can't decline a gift on behalf of someone else

If you want your children to resent you go ahead with this petty plan of rejecting the gift they've already been told they're getting

Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 16:58

As in they last saw him in November, they were obviously asking why they haven’t seen him and why he hasn’t bothered with them, I kept making up excuses, they have now settled down and have stopped asking and wondering, so it would be opening up the wound again to let him come in to drop something and then disappear again. I have no problem with that if he still planned to see them but he has told me he is happy to not see them again after?

OP posts:
LuaDipa · 17/01/2021 16:58

@Givemeabreak88

I’m not saying it’s for me? The present was promised on Xmas day, it’s 3 weeks later, I can’t believe people think he is the reasonable one that hasn’t seen them since November but ok 🙄
No one is saying that he is being reasonable. He is clearly an absent parent. But not letting him give the kids the present they have been promised only hurts them. Let him bring the gift then let him drift away if that’s what he wants.
warmandtoasty2day · 17/01/2021 16:58

he's a twat but the dc should have their present regardless. he doesn't want to see his dc that's up to him, they will still have mum and she's always there for them. they know that.

RedShark · 17/01/2021 16:59

Is there anyone mutual between you both that he could drop the gift to instead? In laws, parents etc? That way the kids get the gift he promised them but the contact issue can be dealt with seperately

Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 17:01

RedShark

Thank you thought I was going insane reading these comments, he’s basically said he will drop it and not see them again, why am I constantly letting him do that to them! Surely comes a point when I need to say enough is enough, my kids can’t get a ps4, my son was offered a ps5 from me for Xmas he said no he wanted a switch (luckily all ps5s were sold out anyway so didn’t matter) his birthday is in a few weeks and I’m happy to buy one for his birthday. He showed no interest in one until his dad mentioned it

OP posts:
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 17/01/2021 17:01

I understand that you're pissed off with ex - he sounds a waste of space, and presumably why he is an ex - but why post and ask the question if you're going to jump down the throat of anyone that suggests you just let him drop the present off?

Winterwoollies · 17/01/2021 17:01

No one is saying he isn’t unreasonable op. It’s very apparent he’s unreasonable.
However, it is unreasonable if you to not allow him to drop the present off so the poor kids have at least got the thing that has been promised to them.

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