To say no to exes present?

[Givemeabreak88]

I posted on Xmas day about my ex, he hasn’t seen our children since November with basically every excuse in the book as to why, he just stopped bothering. On xmas day he asked if he could call them and speak to them, I was a bit unsure about posted about it, basically everyone said to let him as he is their dad etc, so he called and spoke to them and promised my son a PS4, to this day they have still not seen him. He texted me over a week ago to say the reason was that he had been unwell and that was that, nothing again till this weekend where I thought I would check if he was still sick, bare in mind I hadn’t heard anything for a week and my son is asking me repeatedly why his dad hasn’t brought the present, I wouldn’t usually contact him first but I was expecting him to have at least made plans by this weekend (my son has autism and was struggling to understand the explanation I gave)

I texted him asking if he was still sick and he said he wasn’t and he would bring it today (the next day) I explained that this wasn’t convenient and I needed notice before him showing up (he seems to think he can just tell me the day before) but I was also a bit annoyed that he wasn’t ill anymore but had made no plans with me about the present and left it to me to chase him. Anyway he said he would bring it and wasn’t planning on staying and if I don’t want him to see them again after then that’s “fair enough.” I told him not to bother then, he seriously doesn’t care if he sees them again or not, this is someone that has frequently gone years without seeing them and seems to come back once a year asking to see them only
To disappear again after a few months. He’s now texting me over and over asking to drop the present because he “isn’t wasting his money” aibu to tell him to keep it? Seriously he sees no issue with dropping them a present and not seeing them again.

OP - You seem very literate and intelligent. Why don't you understand what people are telling you?
-- A father who does not see his children is not a good parent.
-- A father who makes promises and does not keep them is not a good parent.
-- A mother who makes it difficult/impossible for the father to see his children or keep his promises is not a good parent.
-- Yes, frequently an absent parent is better than an abusive/neglectful parent who is present, BUT
It needs to be all on him. Let him promise to come and then not show up. Let him promise a Christmas gift that doesn't arrive until Valentine, when it is long forgotten. Let your children come to the realization that their father is an unreliable, uncaring jerk. But do not
give him the ammunition to tell them "I would have ... but your mother wouldn't let me."

I understand you don't want to see your children hurt. But it's like being in the doctor's office while they are getting a vaccination -- "It hurts them a little now, but they will be protected from greater harm later."

Well, I thought I would update this thread after the hatred I got, I told him he could bring it and that he didn’t need to leave it outside, this was Monday, he said his brother would drop him but it would be tomorrow (yesterday) or today. Well yesterday came and went and we didn’t hear anything, today we have also not heard a word, not a single call, text, nothing. So there is your father of the year. He was never going to bring it. I will not chase him again and ask for it and nor will I make my son wait for it I will just get him one myself (which I wasn’t going to do as I already bough him a Nintendo switch) but as he was promised one I will get it, I’m not going to wait for his father who hasn’t even had the decency to text me to let me know he wasn’t able to bring it with yet another excuse. It’s been excuses since November. But there you go, father of the year whose evil ex was preventing him from bringing it! 🙄

Givemeabreak88 I'm sorry he lived up to what you feared and expected. He is total crap. Unsurprisingly you sound very hard pressed and stressed at the moment. So much so that I think you have mis-read the comments made on this thread. No one, really no-one said he was father of the year or that you were evil.

Most people just said that you should let him give the present - if he can be bothered. Clearly by you allowing the opportunity he has proved yet again that it was all bullshit and what a unreliable shit he is. Thats on him, not you. Thats all.

I’ve been called a poor parent and people feel sorry for my children with me as a parent. I haven’t misunderstood those comments. Well I am bitter I’m extremely bitter that I’ve been left to raise four children alone, I didn’t make them alone and this has been constant since we broke up, constant promises and not sticking to it, constant let downs, constantly going months/ year without seeing them, cancelling contact with them for no reason without bothering to inform me or cancelling for reasons such as it’s raining outside , I knew he was never going to bring it, he probably doesn’t even have it. He’s only been seeing them for 6 months after being absent for a year and yet he still couldn’t even stick to one hour a fortnight.

I’ve been called a poor parent

Actually, one poster said that a specific action was "poor parenting" not that you were a poor parent. No one said "you re a poor parent" and I'm pretty sure no one said your ex was "father of the year" either. Pretty much everyone said he was a twat.

I don't get the replies on this thread. He has decided he doesn't want to be a dad! Op is the one who had to deal with the shit when 'daddy' decides to pop into their lives and fucks off again so why would she let him do it again when he brings the present?...he wants nothing to do with them by the sounds of it he lets them down repeatedly, I would've made him leave it outside too. There comes a point when enoughs, enough

I think unless you have experience of this situation, people don't know just how shit it really is

So sorry op. Your dc deserve a better df. But at least you know you’ve done your best for your dc.
Ignore the harsh remarks. I can sense your frustration.
I’d be frustrated too with an ex like yours.

Some of the responses on here are a bit mad! OP in future I wouldn't allow contact any more. Let him go to court if he wants access in future, he is a grade A asshole!

Was he bringing your other children presents as well OP?
Or was the PS4 to share?

I know it's hard but at least you gave him a chance you can always tell your dc in the future that you tried your best if they ever question it.

No one is saying your ex is not a twat but your son is excited about the PS4. He's got a shit dad at least let him have a bloody playstation. The only person that you're hurting by refusing the gift is your son

Only just come to this thread but I agree with you OP. Their father is a shit and any contact results in broken promises from him and confusion and hurt for the kids. I'm not sure how old your kids are but perhaps it is time to gently explain he is unreliable. Maybe get an impartial 3rd party to explain such as an uncle, older cousin, or one of your friends.
I would still allow him to call them and see them but I would remind the kids he may not turn up and probably won't deliver on any promises (or possibly not even tell them he is intending to come). I realise this is more difficult with your autistic dc so perhaps you could get some more professional advice on how to explain this to him.
Good luck, you have been put in a tricky position and I can understand your bitterness.

Please try not to focus on those comments.
It's crystal clear that he's got a nerve even calling himself a parent and you really don't owe him any apologies.

There are some people on here that will twist anything in order to make the op the bad guy no matter what. You could be Jesus Christ himself posting about how he has been feeding thousands with loaves and fish and you'll have people slagging him off for not considering vegetarians and the gluten intolerant and being smug and boastful.

Thanks for the more recent comments, I’m glad they’ve been much more sensible and not just looking to either be nasty for no reason or make up like I’m the one stopping him, trust me this man has had chance after chance, this is just a long list of things that he’s done and it’s hard not to be bitter, he left me whilst I was pregnant with a 6 year old 5 year old and 3 year old, then I Had to have an emcs And was left to it with a new born as well, he told me when she was 5 days old he would come and see her, he never showed up. I didn’t hear from him for a year. When he resurfaced after a year he saw them once them told me actually he doesn’t want to see them, and disappeared again for a year, he’s only been seeing them recently because he contacted me during Covid in the beginning, and my eldest was told she was clinically vulnerable and should be shielding so when he contacted me again I thought life was too short not to give him another chance to be a dad, he said he had made a mistake and promised he had changed and said he would step up, then that turned into “actually I will only see them 1 hour a fortnight”, it’s hard not to be bitter after what he’s done over the years.