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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to exes present?

138 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 16:36

I posted on Xmas day about my ex, he hasn’t seen our children since November with basically every excuse in the book as to why, he just stopped bothering. On xmas day he asked if he could call them and speak to them, I was a bit unsure about posted about it, basically everyone said to let him as he is their dad etc, so he called and spoke to them and promised my son a PS4, to this day they have still not seen him. He texted me over a week ago to say the reason was that he had been unwell and that was that, nothing again till this weekend where I thought I would check if he was still sick, bare in mind I hadn’t heard anything for a week and my son is asking me repeatedly why his dad hasn’t brought the present, I wouldn’t usually contact him first but I was expecting him to have at least made plans by this weekend (my son has autism and was struggling to understand the explanation I gave)

I texted him asking if he was still sick and he said he wasn’t and he would bring it today (the next day) I explained that this wasn’t convenient and I needed notice before him showing up (he seems to think he can just tell me the day before) but I was also a bit annoyed that he wasn’t ill anymore but had made no plans with me about the present and left it to me to chase him. Anyway he said he would bring it and wasn’t planning on staying and if I don’t want him to see them again after then that’s “fair enough.” I told him not to bother then, he seriously doesn’t care if he sees them again or not, this is someone that has frequently gone years without seeing them and seems to come back once a year asking to see them only
To disappear again after a few months. He’s now texting me over and over asking to drop the present because he “isn’t wasting his money” aibu to tell him to keep it? Seriously he sees no issue with dropping them a present and not seeing them again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 19:42

I was told an absent dad is better than a shit one repeatedly on here so I’m not sure it IS better. He won’t be seeing them, I’ve offered him to drop it and leave it outside but he said no as it would be stolen, I live in a very secluded place nothing has ever been stolen, so he can either post or drop it to my mums.

OP posts:
cherrypie111 · 17/01/2021 19:44

@Givemeabreak88

I’m more surprised that people seem more annoyed at me for saying no than a dad that has happily said he won’t see his kids again after so blasé. But yeh like I said will leave it at that.
You've asked if you're being unreasonable

Which you are

You didn't ask if your ex was being a prick. Hence why people are telling you you're being unreasonable.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 19:44

That should be I’m not sure it is better to have a shit dad when it’s been said time and time again on here no dad it’s better than a shit one that keeps abandoning there kids constantly, disappearing for months/ years at a time. So for that reason he can drop it but he can’t see them and then I will cut contact and block him after.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 17/01/2021 19:48

Your ex sounds terrible and unreliable, but the thread isn't about whether your ex wins a Dad of the Year award.

You've asked if you're unreasonable to prevent your child's father dropping off a present. YABU

If you prevent him dropping a present off that the DC know about then you're losing the moral high ground and you would become responsible for them not getting the present. If you're happy to say to your children "I decided you weren't getting the present" then by all means own the decision and do it.

IndieTara · 17/01/2021 19:51

@Givemeabreak88 you are in AIBU. This is the place you expect the boot to be stuck in and your parenting skills to be vilified,
It happens every time

Redlocks28 · 17/01/2021 19:55

I wouldn’t want to leave an expensive game console on someone’s doorstep!

Your ex might be a total shit-we don’t know, but you seem to be going out of your way to make it difficult for your son to get his Christmas present :(

Avocadorable · 17/01/2021 19:57

Two unreasonables don’t make a reasonable 😉

MeanWeedratStew · 17/01/2021 19:58

OP, where did any of us say your ex is great?

You came here asking for opinions, which we gave. Now you're cracking the shits because we didn't all simply agree with you. If you wanted an echo chamber to validate your choice, then you came to the wrong place.

BlueThistles · 17/01/2021 20:02

He's a Dick OP ...

I hope your Son enjoys the PS4 when he gets it 🌺

MissMarpleDarling · 17/01/2021 20:03

YABU your child wants the gift, get the gift.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 20:06

I was called a poor parent actually so yes it was said.

I said he can have it, he can post it, he doesn’t have to leave it on the door if he doesn’t want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 20:07

I’ve been going out my way, it’s THREE weeks AFTER Xmas, he’s had 3 weeks to try to bring it, he hasn’t been sick the whole time, most people expect their present before Xmas so they can actually open it on Xmas.

OP posts:
letsnotscaretheneighbours · 17/01/2021 20:09

My step-son has aspergers and adhd. If my husband had said to him he was bringing him a PS4 for Christmas he would have battered his Mums ears until my husband took it round (I do mean verbally not hit her). My husband also has to be consistent with contact other my step-son will melt down because he can't cope with a sudden change. Whilst I appreciate all children SN or otherwise are all different I completely understand where you are coming from @Givemeabreak88 because you're the one dealing with the fall out.

Gingerkittykat · 17/01/2021 20:27

@Givemeabreak88

It’s normally polite to warn people in advance of what your plans are, as soon as he wasn’t sick anymore he could have text me to tell me he would be bringing it on Sunday, anyway people on clearly think he is great and hasn’t done anything wrong so I will leave it at that. This is typical of my ex he is the type that wouldn’t make any plans to see them and only text me the day before expecting me to drop everything, but yeh that’s perfectly fine, I give up he’s a great dad and I’m a shit parent.
You need to stop being so defensive and twisting people's words because they are not saying what you want to hear. He is obviously a shit parent and your kids will understand that one day.

I'm in the camp that lets him drop the present off since your son has been asking for it.

You chased him up to see where it was, I'm assuming your son is still wondering where it is. After that I would go no contact with him, never phone or text him and let him mess things up by himself.

Crazybirdlady · 17/01/2021 23:14

I remember your last thread. You're so not being unreasonable to be fed up of him. I don't know what the right thing to do is. No one here sees the effect it has on your DCs.
But I'd be reluctant to do anything that he can use against you down the line. A prick like that will use this example in the future to say he wanted to see them but you made it clear he wasn't welcome, and so he thought it best not to come back. All your fault of course.
I do think you should never make another excuse for him. If they ask why he doesn't see them say you don't know. Let them realise what he's like now so that they won't be let down later in their teens when it will mess them up more. Best advice I ever got.

Bouledeneige · 18/01/2021 15:14

Everyone has said he's a shit parent OP. You are doing everything for those children and they will see that when they're older.

Let him give them a present. It's the least they deserve. It will never make it up to then that they have a shit Dad. But make it possible that they can have this one small pleasure.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 18/01/2021 15:33

He won’t be giving it, I message him yesterday at 6.30 to say he can post it, he refused, I messaged saying he can drop it to my mums (5 minutes from my house) he read it and didn’t respond. I will buy my son one myself for his birthday.

OP posts:
pinkgin8 · 18/01/2021 15:43

Post a PS4? When he can just drop it off? You seem a bit immature and are making this more difficult than it needs to be regardless of how much of a shit parent he is. At this moment in time he is trying to do something half decent even though he's late doing it as we all understand. But you are being way to bitter over a gift that's for your and his child which will make them happy.

pinkgin8 · 18/01/2021 15:44

I too would refuse to post a PS4

emilyfrost · 18/01/2021 15:49

You are being absolutely ridiculous. Of course he shouldn’t post a PS4.

Shame on you for being so petty and spiteful that you’re putting your bitterness above your own children.

Redlocks28 · 18/01/2021 15:50

You appear to be going out of your way to be as difficult as you possibly can here!

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 18/01/2021 16:10

I’ve told him he can leave it at my mums!! He hasn’t responded, he lives 2 hours away and doesn’t drive, so it’s not that easy to actually drop it anyway. Posting would be easier, why wouldn’t you post it? If you bought it online they would post it to you Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 18/01/2021 16:12

I’ve told him he can take it to my mums, he has read it and not responded and I’m the difficult one 🙄 meanwhile trying to take care of his 4 kids that he hasn’t even laid eyes on since November

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 18/01/2021 16:14

And hes trying to “do something decent” he’s told me after he is happy not seeing them again?! I think a certain few posters are choosing to deliberately ignore that part.

OP posts:
IJustWantSomeBees · 18/01/2021 16:16

@pinkgin8

Post a PS4? When he can just drop it off? You seem a bit immature and are making this more difficult than it needs to be regardless of how much of a shit parent he is. At this moment in time he is trying to do something half decent even though he's late doing it as we all understand. But you are being way to bitter over a gift that's for your and his child which will make them happy.
OP has stated several times now that she has told him he can drop it off, he has refused.