To say no to exes present?

[Givemeabreak88]

I posted on Xmas day about my ex, he hasn’t seen our children since November with basically every excuse in the book as to why, he just stopped bothering. On xmas day he asked if he could call them and speak to them, I was a bit unsure about posted about it, basically everyone said to let him as he is their dad etc, so he called and spoke to them and promised my son a PS4, to this day they have still not seen him. He texted me over a week ago to say the reason was that he had been unwell and that was that, nothing again till this weekend where I thought I would check if he was still sick, bare in mind I hadn’t heard anything for a week and my son is asking me repeatedly why his dad hasn’t brought the present, I wouldn’t usually contact him first but I was expecting him to have at least made plans by this weekend (my son has autism and was struggling to understand the explanation I gave)

I texted him asking if he was still sick and he said he wasn’t and he would bring it today (the next day) I explained that this wasn’t convenient and I needed notice before him showing up (he seems to think he can just tell me the day before) but I was also a bit annoyed that he wasn’t ill anymore but had made no plans with me about the present and left it to me to chase him. Anyway he said he would bring it and wasn’t planning on staying and if I don’t want him to see them again after then that’s “fair enough.” I told him not to bother then, he seriously doesn’t care if he sees them again or not, this is someone that has frequently gone years without seeing them and seems to come back once a year asking to see them only
To disappear again after a few months. He’s now texting me over and over asking to drop the present because he “isn’t wasting his money” aibu to tell him to keep it? Seriously he sees no issue with dropping them a present and not seeing them again.

Exactly I’ve given him quite a few options, drop it and leave it outside, send it by courier (the same As if you bought it from eBay/ online) so not sure I get the “I wouldn’t post it either” he doesn’t live round the corner from me, and drop it to my mums, he’s refused the first two, and ignored when I said bring it to my mums, he would need her address but read it and didn’t respond from 6.30pm yesterday, but there are certain few posters on here that want to say I’m the bad one no matter what I say /do, I took the advice on board and said he can give it to them, I doesn’t mean I have to see the man or he has to see the kids he said he won’t be seeing again after.

He sounds awful OP, and you are right to be angry and hurt. However, don't play games. This is a gift that has status in your child's mind and may be the one good thing his father gives him.

With both of you as parents... Those poor kids

Seriously op, you need to let go of your bitterness, it is doing neither you or your kids any good. It's not nice having a kid with a shit dad and being the one that's left to explain and pick up the pieces but being angry and bitter does no one any good. The sooner you except that the easier it will be to deal with this. How old are your children? Are they old enough to make the decision themselves whether they want contact?
Things like this always work out better when the mum can look at the children and say they never stood in the way of the father building a relationship. When the children have been allowed to come to the conclusion themselves that their dad is a waste of space and either know to expect nothing from them or cut contact on their own. If you block and stop contact YOU will be the reason they are not able to have a relationship with their dad. This is not your decision to make unless there are safeguarding issues, this is their relationship with their other parent. Until they decide they don't want a relationship with them it is your job to facilitate that. It doesn't have to be letting him see them and be in and out whenever he wants but leaving the door open. If he pops up again suggest a length of time of regular emails or phone calls, don't tell the kids he is expected to call in case he doesn't but make sure they are available if he does. Same with visits, don't tell them he is expected but make them available if he shows up. Don't emote for your children. If they get sad or ask questions. I don't know why Dad doesn't show, I'm sorry you're sad/ angry/ hurt right now then ask if they want to talk (without adding your opinion, just listen or change the subject/ suggest an activity to do together if they don't want to talk). This has to be something they see for themselves op. If you block contact then it will be YOU stopping the relationship with their dad and could effect YOUR relationship with your children. Your ex does not deserve a relationship with the children but they deserve a relationship with their dad, you need to reframe your thinking.

I'm with you - if you accept it, you're just enabling his flaky relationship with your child. Wonder if your son wasn't autistic, would he have shaped up better as a father?

OP I feel for you so I'll risk getting flamed here too.

Re the present, it was a bit odd to chase him down for it then be awkward about arrangements. I do think you've behaved badly over the present itself BUT...… I too know what its like to be left holding the entire family together with a dad who simply disappears off the face of the planet and how hard that is to explain to your children so I do have some sympathy for you. Its been 2.5 years since my ex and I split, and although there were safeguarding issues so contact would have had some challenges to arrange, he's never made a single attempt to see our children.

My experience of many support groups since we split including MN is that women set the bar for non resident parents so low that you are supposed to be on your knees in gratitude if the NRP decides they'd like to take their own kids for Mcdonalds once a month. You should also pay for it, drive them there and collect them, and not get upset if the other parents an hour late... you get my gist......

Personally - I believe a NRP parent flitting in and out of a child's life promising gifts, letting them down is not just terrible parenting, but its also extremely damaging to a child. It affects you into adulthood as I have learned from my own childhood experiences. If my ex turned up tomorrow asking to see the kids I would send him packing - not because I am difficult, or unreasonable, but because parenting comes with obligations. As a RP I cant simply abandon them for 2.5 years and come back when I feel like it.

I imagine this is where the frustration for you has come from, and I totally understand it. But I would make arrangements to get your sons gift, and then don't make excuses for your ex any longer. You can be kind and honest to your children without exposing them to how you feel about it x

@Cloudfrost

With both of you as parents... Those poor kids

I absolutely agree.

@Cloudfrost

With both of you as parents... Those poor kids

And with comments like this beginning to surface, I would stop reading the thread now if I were you OP, people are just itching to be mean now.

You asked if you should allow them to have the present, MN said yes, you have taken the advice on board and given him several options for dropping the present off, he has refused.

The resident parent (read: the mother) will always get more criticism and hatred than the absent parent (read: the father), so don't take harsh comments like the one calling you a poor parent to heart. For what it's worth, I think you sound like a great mum.

Not sure why you asked this on AIbu when about 95% of replies said in their opinion yabu yet you nitpick and twist every reply and get defensive. Totally your decision. In my opinion you are just being difficult but that’s my opinion everyone is entitled to their own.

@IJustWantSomeBees I did not say she is a poor parent... Reading comprehension is an important skill in life....

What I said is I feel for those poor kids, because of the parents they have. One is a shitty absent father, and one is bitter, angry, resentful and difficult (which although understandable, its very unhealthy)

OP - he sounds vile but you really did yourself no favours with your OP. Imagine this instead.

“I have 4 children with my ex, two have ASD. He doesn’t co parent at all and the only contact he used to have was an hour in the park every two weeks. We’ve not seen him at all since November and apart from a phone call at Christmas they’ve had no contact.

He promised them his old PS4 and is now trying to drop it off. I’m concerned as he’s now not seen the children for weeks and he’s been inconsistent their whole life. They get very unsettled when he walks in and out of their lives so I’d really like to refuse the gift.

When I tried to raise the issues he said he was happy to not see them again.

AIBU to just tell him not to bother and leave us alone?”

I think you’d have had a lot more support.

Thanks I have been definitely given a right kicking, tbh I’m a bit shocked with how nasty people have been, I have been called a bad parent more than once Merryoldgoat you are right I’m sure that would have went down completely differently but I posted it in anger, im a shit parent and I’m gonna apologise to my ex and tell him he can drop it whenever he wants and he can see the kids whenever he wants or doesn’t, up to him, he doesn’t need to stick to any contact or be regular he can do whatever he likes and see them once a year if That’s all he wants, never mind if that upsets them.

@Cloudfrost I was referencing a different comment, hence me saying 'like the one calling you a poor parent' instead of 'like this one calling you a poor parent'.

I agree, reading comprehension is an important skill.

"im a shit parent and I’m gonna apologise to my ex and tell him he can drop it whenever he wants and he can see the kids whenever he wants or doesn’t, up to him, he doesn’t need to stick to any contact or be regular he can do whatever he likes and see them once a year if That’s all he wants, never mind if that upsets them."

this sort of sarky passive aggressive commentary sounds along the same lines as his "well I'll never see them again then, is that better"

or are you genuinely going to go against what you have decided is in your dc's best interests because of a thread on mn? do you see how this type of communication is unhelpful? he shouldn't be doing it to you, and you shouldn't be doing it to him. it's not mature or helpful.

@Givemeabreak88 yes that's totally what everyone has said... it would benefit both you and your kids if you dealt with your poor me/victim mentality. If you weren't twisting everybody's words in literally every single post, people wouldn't think you are an unreasonable parent.

@IJustWantSomeBees in that case my apologies for wrongly assuming u were referring to my comment

Yep I’ve already sent a text apologising, he probably won’t reply and we probably won’t hear from him for another year but there you go. He’s the same man that told me last year that he didn’t want to be a dad and to never contact him again so when he says he won’t see them again it isn’t just words, he disappears for a year after that. But hey I’ve sent my apology now so hopefully I’m forgiven.

OP, I actually agree with you. I have seen the damage having a father who was in and out of their childs life first hand. It caused my brother endless pain in his teen years and frankly, he would of been better off if his dad had stayed away like my useless one did.

OP, regardless of the PS4, you are coping amazingly with 4 DC and a useless ex.

I hope he reaps what he sows and grows to regret how badly he has treated his children and you.

And I hope you and your DC continue to be a strong, loving unit that have each other's backs.

Seriously op, I really want to give you a bloody good shake. Stop making this about your anger and start thinking about how your actions and anger can affect your kids. Your kids are stuck with their shitty Dad but you need to change how you are dealing with this in order to limit the damage he causes. You are going to cause just as much damage if you hold on to your anger and continue with the passive aggressive attitude. This is not productive and throwing your toys out of the pram when you are given hard truths is of no benefit to your children. Stop being defensive, ignore any insults but listen to the constructive criticism. No one said to apologise to your ex and let him do whatever he wants but there is an in between to that and completely blocking access to the children. Seriously, go punch a pillow, smash some old plates, scream into the abyss but your anger is not healthy and you need to find an outlet and to let it go. It will only hurt you and cloud your judgement. I'm sure you are a great mum and your anger comes from a place of love for them but you need to rechannel that in a positive way. I hope when you are in a better frame of mind you can reread some of the comments and take some of the advice on board, for your sake as much as your kids.

He told his Son he was getting this PS4... and he's doing everything to avoid just bringing it to his Son...

He never really wanted to hand this PS4 over... it was an empty promise.. so cruel... that wee boy would be so pleased at getting this too... 😔

I agree with your decision.. I'd save and buy him it myself too OP... poor soul 🌺

I can understand your anger. It is damaging to have him disappearing and reappearing as it suits him. I think it's something most people don't get unless they watch their kids go through it repeatedly and have to keep picking up the pieces.
You sound like a great mum, just worn down.

Let him bring it. Your only punishing your son.

I would get him to leave it outside. You are not a shit parent - you are protecting your children from their deadbeat dad that can't be bothered with them unless it suits him. What happens if you tell them he is coming with a PS4 and then he doesn't turn up? Who deals with the fallout? You do. Don't give him a chance to fuck up again.

Oh, FFS, you're acting like a petulant teenager now. If you can't handle people disagreeing with you, then you have some serious growing up to do. My sympathy is at an end, I'm out.

OP I could have written your post myself. My ex is of the same ilk. Yanbu AT ALL. I'm years down the line of him being absent and inconsistent and all it does it tear my kids up.