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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to exes present?

138 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 16:36

I posted on Xmas day about my ex, he hasn’t seen our children since November with basically every excuse in the book as to why, he just stopped bothering. On xmas day he asked if he could call them and speak to them, I was a bit unsure about posted about it, basically everyone said to let him as he is their dad etc, so he called and spoke to them and promised my son a PS4, to this day they have still not seen him. He texted me over a week ago to say the reason was that he had been unwell and that was that, nothing again till this weekend where I thought I would check if he was still sick, bare in mind I hadn’t heard anything for a week and my son is asking me repeatedly why his dad hasn’t brought the present, I wouldn’t usually contact him first but I was expecting him to have at least made plans by this weekend (my son has autism and was struggling to understand the explanation I gave)

I texted him asking if he was still sick and he said he wasn’t and he would bring it today (the next day) I explained that this wasn’t convenient and I needed notice before him showing up (he seems to think he can just tell me the day before) but I was also a bit annoyed that he wasn’t ill anymore but had made no plans with me about the present and left it to me to chase him. Anyway he said he would bring it and wasn’t planning on staying and if I don’t want him to see them again after then that’s “fair enough.” I told him not to bother then, he seriously doesn’t care if he sees them again or not, this is someone that has frequently gone years without seeing them and seems to come back once a year asking to see them only
To disappear again after a few months. He’s now texting me over and over asking to drop the present because he “isn’t wasting his money” aibu to tell him to keep it? Seriously he sees no issue with dropping them a present and not seeing them again.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 17/01/2021 17:49

Which is why I said he can leave it outside now as I don’t want them seeing him again only for him to disappear.

So instead you've set the, up for "why didn't he want to see us when he dropped it off?" What are you going to say? "I wouldn't let him."

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 17:52

No formal agreement his contact was one hour at the park once a fortnight his choice, we he couldn’t stick to.

I will be defensive when I am called a “poor parent” I am extremely frustrated at seeing my children constantly upset and having to pick up the pieces time and time again. He can drop it and leave it outside, what I object to is him seeing them then disappearing again, he hasn’t seen them since November and only wants to drop it and leave, he doesn’t want to see them he just wants to drop the present after I’ve chased him up which I’d I didn’t I doubt we would have heard from him again anyway I’ve messaged him to let him know he can leave it outside he hasn’t responded yet so we will see!

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 17:53

He is not seeing them to disappear again. Nope. He can drop it and go.

OP posts:
RedShark · 17/01/2021 17:56

I’m really sad for the way everyone has turned on the OP.
She’s just trying to protect her children from the disappointment and confusion an absent parent brings.
Yes, EXH was a dick for promising the PS4 and not delivering til now but i don’t think OP is in the wrong for saying it can’t just be bought over with no follow up about contact or explanation as to when he’s coming next. Let him leave this gift at the door and tell him that if he wants anything to do with them again, whether it’s gifts or contact, it needs to be consistent because it’s totally unfair on the kids and you for it to be any other way

Shadeslayer · 17/01/2021 17:57

I would let him drop it then cut contact only because they know it's coming. If he wants to see them he can go down the legal route.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 18:00

RedShark
Thank you, honestly I’m shocked by these comments, “now your kids are gonna wonder why you didn’t let him see them when he dropped them” erm what happened to an absent father is better than a shit inconsistent one? My ex doesn’t care about them, he does not love these children, there is no bond, I was in tears earlier just wondering how I have children with a man like this that keeps doing this to them and hurting them over and over again. What is the point in seeing them again one last time if he isn’t going to bother again? Can always rely on good old MN to stick the boot in though.

OP posts:
GeorgiaGirl52 · 17/01/2021 18:01

I understand that you want to protect your children from being hurt. but believe me when I sat that the best thinh you can do is let them suffer a little now. Do not cover for him. If your son says Why doesn't Daddy come when he says he will? sat "I don't know. You need to ask him." The kids will discover for themselves he cannot be relied on.
I got full custody of my son when he was three. I told his father this:

  1. You can call and talk to him anytime during the day if you are not drunk.
  2. You can visit him EOW if you are not drunk.
  3. You may not bring girlfriends to my home to meet him.
The first few years he showed up at all the holidays and school events. THEN HE JUST FADED OUT. No visits in about six years, Phone calls about twice a year. My son is graduating this year. I asked about sending his dad an invitation but he said No, I don't have his address and he won't come anyway. Send it to someone who cares.
billy1966 · 17/01/2021 18:10

God help you OP.

One hour a fortnight and he can't even do that.

You sound like a truly great mother, trying to do her best.

Flowers
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 18:15

Yeh, once a fortnight he took them to the park then brought them back after an hour claiming that they wanted to go home, then he left, he’s never had them over night, never done a school run, never been to his house.

OP posts:
Redlocks28 · 17/01/2021 18:18

he would bring it today (the next day) I explained that this wasn’t convenient and I needed notice before him showing up (he seems to think he can just tell me the day before)

Sorry, but I don’t see anything wrong with him saying he’d drop the present round the next day?! How much notice do you need to open the door?!

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 18:21

Because I had plans to go shopping today and he can only bring it at a certain time when his cousin is able to drop him 😕 I couldn’t sit in all day and wait for him, you know people normally need notice and make plans!

OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 17/01/2021 18:22

I don’t think people are sticking the boot in OP. He’s clearly a crap dad. But you’re not being logical here- you chased him about the gift, he said he’d bring it round, and then you wanted us to say it was ok for you to turn it down. Just let him drop it off and then don’t chase again. Maybe get some advice about how to handle this going forwards.

He’s clearly a crap Dad. You’re clearly in an awful situation and doing the best you can. Nobody is saying you aren’t.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 18:23

It’s normally polite to warn people in advance of what your plans are, as soon as he wasn’t sick anymore he could have text me to tell me he would be bringing it on Sunday, anyway people on clearly think he is great and hasn’t done anything wrong so I will leave it at that. This is typical of my ex he is the type that wouldn’t make any plans to see them and only text me the day before expecting me to drop everything, but yeh that’s perfectly fine, I give up he’s a great dad and I’m a shit parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 18:25

I’m more surprised that people seem more annoyed at me for saying no than a dad that has happily said he won’t see his kids again after so blasé. But yeh like I said will leave it at that.

OP posts:
Redlocks28 · 17/01/2021 18:25

my son is asking me repeatedly why his dad hasn’t brought the present,

That being the case, yes I would have prioritised getting the present for my son’s sake-he sounds desperate for it to come. I would have said-‘I’m going food shopping between 10-11am, but will be in the rest of the day’

Theunamedcat · 17/01/2021 18:29

I see where your coming from why give him the opportunity to mess with there heads one last time

If you do decide to let him come then I suggest you make zero excuses for him in the future ie why isn't dad coming? I guess he doesn't want to where is dad? I dont know when is he visiting again? I don't know

I got sick of making excuses for my ex a long time ago he told our eldest that he was going to get a flat have him overnight play games and eat shite till they are sick I made it clear that is not going to happen nine months later he is still homeless still no job he has a new girlfriend and a dog no home to put the dog in though ffs

Theunamedcat · 17/01/2021 18:31

@Givemeabreak88

I’m more surprised that people seem more annoyed at me for saying no than a dad that has happily said he won’t see his kids again after so blasé. But yeh like I said will leave it at that.
Penis privilege its so fucking rank on here sometimes you can treat your child like shit but because your a man you get away with it

Fuck That Shit

caringcarer · 17/01/2021 18:34

I'm just amazed he could get one. They have been rarer than hen's teeth. Let him drop it off. It might be the last time he buys them a gift and they will remember a game station. If you stop him they will remember that too.

Paanda · 17/01/2021 18:37

Don’t be so bloody mean to your child. It’s their gift.

Yeah, he is an absolute waste of space. But don’t punish your kids for it

Redlocks28 · 17/01/2021 18:38

@caringcarer

I'm just amazed he could get one. They have been rarer than hen's teeth. Let him drop it off. It might be the last time he buys them a gift and they will remember a game station. If you stop him they will remember that too.
I think it’s the PS5 that was hard to get hold of.
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 18:38

I wouldn’t be punishing my child I can afford one myself, like I said he was OFFERED one at Xmas and said NO.

He hasn’t bought it New he said it is second hand But I suspect it’s his old one.

OP posts:
Redlocks28 · 17/01/2021 18:41

@Givemeabreak88

I wouldn’t be punishing my child I can afford one myself, like I said he was OFFERED one at Xmas and said NO.

He hasn’t bought it New he said it is second hand But I suspect it’s his old one.

If your son has autism and is repeatedly asking where the present is, I’d make plans to enable him to get it.
Cherrysoup · 17/01/2021 18:41

Nobody is saying you’re a shit parent. He clearly is. However, let your child have the present he’s been promised (hope the other 3 are getting something equally good). Your children need to be allowed to draw their own conclusions which they probably already have.

Wiredforsound · 17/01/2021 18:44

Call his bluff and let him bring it. He’s not going to show.

Scarlettpixie · 17/01/2021 19:26

I think you should let him bring the present. Your children will have to deal with the fact that they have a shit dad going forward but there is no need to add - who promised us a play station and then didn’t deliver to the mix.

There is no need to be so defensive on here though. Literally noone has said anything good about your ex. However they all think he should be allowed to bring the present - particularly because your son knows about it.

Personally I don’t see the harm in letting him say hello and make his own excuses for not stopping longer. Either way they will know he called and didn’t have time for them. Even that though is better than nothing at all.