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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to exes present?

138 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 16:36

I posted on Xmas day about my ex, he hasn’t seen our children since November with basically every excuse in the book as to why, he just stopped bothering. On xmas day he asked if he could call them and speak to them, I was a bit unsure about posted about it, basically everyone said to let him as he is their dad etc, so he called and spoke to them and promised my son a PS4, to this day they have still not seen him. He texted me over a week ago to say the reason was that he had been unwell and that was that, nothing again till this weekend where I thought I would check if he was still sick, bare in mind I hadn’t heard anything for a week and my son is asking me repeatedly why his dad hasn’t brought the present, I wouldn’t usually contact him first but I was expecting him to have at least made plans by this weekend (my son has autism and was struggling to understand the explanation I gave)

I texted him asking if he was still sick and he said he wasn’t and he would bring it today (the next day) I explained that this wasn’t convenient and I needed notice before him showing up (he seems to think he can just tell me the day before) but I was also a bit annoyed that he wasn’t ill anymore but had made no plans with me about the present and left it to me to chase him. Anyway he said he would bring it and wasn’t planning on staying and if I don’t want him to see them again after then that’s “fair enough.” I told him not to bother then, he seriously doesn’t care if he sees them again or not, this is someone that has frequently gone years without seeing them and seems to come back once a year asking to see them only
To disappear again after a few months. He’s now texting me over and over asking to drop the present because he “isn’t wasting his money” aibu to tell him to keep it? Seriously he sees no issue with dropping them a present and not seeing them again.

OP posts:
Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 17:02

RedShark
My mum but I’m not sure he would do that, she can’t stand him either since he’s been absent for years at a time but at least he wants to give them a PS4 😬 he literally said he wants to give it so he doesn’t waste his money, not so he can see them again for one last time or anything

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 17/01/2021 17:02

they have now settled down and have stopped asking and wondering

Except your son is asking why the present hasn't been dropped off. So let him drop the present off.

Just because your ex is being a twat doesn't mean you get to be unreasonable and stop him bringing round the gift that the children are expecting.

bloodywhitecat · 17/01/2021 17:03

They will learn to see him for what he is but at least he will never be able to tell them "I tried but your mother wouldn't let me".

Hahaha88 · 17/01/2021 17:03

Op: am I being unreasonable? Pretty much everyone else: yes. Op:well I'm not.

Why even ask?

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 17/01/2021 17:04

My ex bought the DC a PS4 for Christmas. Other than dropping it off, and dropping off birthday presents earlier in the year, they haven't seen him since before Covid started.
All that's happened is they know he's a twat. As far as they are concerned he's a twat who buys decent presents to try and make up for being a twat.

Let him drop the present off. If they ask why he doesn't see them tell them you don't know.

frazzledasarock · 17/01/2021 17:04

Ex was really a horrible human being. But I never turned down gifts from him for my dc. They were for them not me.

So your son is asking about the gift anyway, are you going to tell him mummy said no when daddy asked to bring the gift today?

Let the dc accept the gift. And if he flakes out on seeing them again give them the reason he says for missing the next contact time.

He not reasonable, but your dc want and are expecting the gift with a great deal of excitement, don’t let them be more disappointed then they already are.

Tavannach · 17/01/2021 17:05

If you don't let your son have the present you're punishing him for your ex's bad behaviour. Maybe try mediation to help resolve your difficulties. Gingerbread has a fact about mediation sheet here.

Avocadorable · 17/01/2021 17:05

Yabu
Let him drop it off it’s petty if you don’t. Besides Don’t give him ammo for when your dc are older and he can tell them about this gift refusal.

NoOneOwnsTheRainbow · 17/01/2021 17:08

@Hahaha88 that's what I was thinking.

OP it's not a "he's wrong and you're right" situation. Stop reducing it to that. You're both being prats and should both grow up and act better for your kids.

Tessabelle74 · 17/01/2021 17:09

Of course he's not reasonable, but that's not the question you asked. You asked if you were reasonable to refuse the gift, and you're not as it's not yours to refuse. Don't punish your child, it's not his fault after all

PinkiOcelot · 17/01/2021 17:09

He’s a total twat OP and I can see your reasoning. It would be different if they didn’t know about the present, but they do and deserve to have it.
Don’t worry OP, just sit back and watch. They’ll get the measure of him soon enough all on their own.

Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 17:11

I will say he can leave it outside.

OP posts:
Godimabitch · 17/01/2021 17:12

Let him bring it. They deserve anything they can get from him tbh. He's hurting them anyway. Your kid deserves the gift he was promised.

He also deserves a dad that has time to see him, but I dont think you're helping your son by refusing things on his behalf because he doesn't have that.

Your son won't grow up thinking, yeah my mum looked after me every day all by herself but my dad gave me a PS4 a month late so they're even. He'll know what his dad is.

emilyfrost · 17/01/2021 17:13

Yes, YABU. You want to deny them a present they’ve been asking about just to spite your ex. That’s extremely petty and poor parenting.

tofuschnitzel · 17/01/2021 17:23

It must be so difficult OP, and your ex sounds like an absolute waste of space. What would upset your children more? Having the present their Dad promised them, and then not seeing him again for a long while, or not having the present or seeing their Dad at all? I think that's what you need to weigh up in this situation.

lockeddownandcrazy · 17/01/2021 17:27

Drop it off when you arent in. Leave it somewhere for you to collect?

Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 17:28

I’m the poor parent 😂 I look after 4 kids ALONE 2 with autism, I’m not doing it to spite him, it’s because he said he WONT see them again after! Which is why I said he can leave it outside now as I don’t want them seeing him again only for him to disappear. I’m trying to protect them from him but yeh I’m the poor parent 🙄

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 17/01/2021 17:32

Let him bring it. It's for the children. Just let him come and give it.

Aprilx · 17/01/2021 17:35

@Givemeabreak88

Wow ok! I’m unreasonable for not wanting my children to get hurt by a father that keeps dipping in and out when he feels like it?
Nobody has said this. Your question was about whether you should refuse a present, a pretty good one that the children already know about. YABU to do this. He is unreasonable for everything else.
PatchworkElmer · 17/01/2021 17:36

I would’ve told him to leave it outside or courier it (I can see you’ve told him to leave it outside). This is the right thing to do- your children know about it now. Now stop chasing him for contact. Do you have a formal arrangement in place?

Givemeabreak88 · 17/01/2021 17:36

It’s just his old PS4 he hasn’t ran out and bought them one I know he is lying about wasting the money but yeh I said he can leave it outside

OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 17/01/2021 17:37

You’re not the ‘poor parent’ at all- be clearly is. But I think you’re letting your justifiable anger towards him cloud your judgement here. You would be very unreasonable to withhold this gift from your children.

Tavannach · 17/01/2021 17:38

Honestly you have to try to find a way to get on better with your ex. He's half their identity. I can see it's very difficult but it's in everyone's interests to find a way to get on amicably.

Cherrysoup · 17/01/2021 17:39

Stop being so defensive, OP. Can you not understand that your autistic child thinks he should be getting this because his dad said so? Yes, we get it, he is an epically shit parent, but suck it up for the sake of your child who is confused as to why he hasn’t got the present. If he then doesn’t want it, sell it and buy something he does want.

1forAll74 · 17/01/2021 17:48

He might be very unreasonable about lots of things, but you should let him drop off the present for your son, your son knows about the gift, and will forget about the delay, so don't use your personal gripes about the Father, to spoil the main thing right now.

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