Single Parent Joining The Army

[wannabesolider]

Hello!

Posting here mostly for traffic!

I am in the midst of a uni application for nursing, I am mostly certain I will be successful in gaining a place, I already have the grades (equivalent to 3 A's at A-Level). Once I have an offer I am debating whether to join the army and nurses are a high priority trade they are recruiting for, also the generous bursary they offer is appealing. I'm just looking for advice on whether it is feasible or just a pipe dream.

DD will be 3 by the time my degree starts and will be 6 before I commence army training and start serving, I do have childcare options for deployment between family and a nanny and then once old enough will look at the option to place her in boarding school.

Does anyone have experience as a single parent in the forces? Aibu to even think about it?

I am aware of the forces lifestyle as I was a military brat myself that went to boarding school (cheap private school fees is a bonus!). However, my parents were together until my mid teens and I was already at boarding school. My daughter's father has no involvement.

[quote wannabesolider]@Wheresmykimchi no attention you wanted, you've just deliberately spent the early hours of Sunday morning pissing me off and personally attacking me.[/quote]
I haven't personally attacked you. I don't know you.

And you haven't attacked posters no?

I'm going to leave it there as you are putting things on me that aren't true and I've tried reason and discussion none of which have worked.

@Sisiwawa savings, subsidised accommodation, the lump sum given after graduation as part of the bursary would be put away for school fees in case of I struggled with affording it, however up to 6k per term during primary school is paid at the moment.. looking at some school's fees, it seems affordable, no more expensive than regular childcare.

@QuestionableMouse that's a shame, I hope (if it does happen) my daughter has the experience I did.

@Kelpies couldn't have put it better myself! Many forces nurses/radiographers are based in NHS hospitals - the radiographer who scanned my ankle was in the army!

@wannabesolider hahaha that's one thing I've learnt on Mumsnet - be ready for the bitchiness 😂 In all honesty, maybe it's worth ringing a recruitment office and having a chat before applying? There is always a lot of moving... and going away for 6 months at a time. But if you're ok with that then I'd say go for it as it won't be a wasted experience x

[quote wannabesolider]@themental it is absolutely nothing like foster care, foster care is provided by strangers.[/quote]
Whereas staff at a boarding school will be well known to your dd. Why did you have children if you didn't intend to bring them up yourself ?

@socketpocket that's the kind of thing people say to anyone who use full time childcare, not just forces personnel.

Personally, I think the damage of boarding schools is well illustrated in your beliefs about the importance of a stable attachment figure for a 6 year old.

@Showers3 I never said anything about my daughter going to boarding school at 6? As I have said 568393 times already, no decision has been made - of course if I was destined to be away every 5 minute from my 6 year old and giving her no stability I wouldn't do it, however those things aren't necessarily inevitable in the army. I need to do some more research etc. I've not just decided to enlisted and thought sod my daughter she doesn't need me

People need to stop imagining things and that everyone in the military is in the middle of a war zone constantly away from their families.

MN is full of dramatics and hysteria.

I don’t think I mentioned you sending your daughter to boarding school at 6 did I? 🤔 My response was purely in response to your notion of leaving her for long periods of time with a range of other people from 6, in addition to what I perceive to be the long-reaching damage of boarding schools on children’s development.

Maybe the AIBU board isn’t for you? It’s best used by people who actually want the opinions of others. Best of luck to you (and your daughter) with whatever you decide.

Poor child. All sounds rather sad for her. No dad then mum leaves aswell.

@Showers3 I asked for people's opinions with actual experience of military life not know it all that think joining the army equates to exiting your child's life.

@MissMarpleDarling her father is completely absent, joining the forces does not mean 'leaving her' for crying out loud. Yes there are times when you are away but it doesn't happen all the time twice a year and nothing is set is stone, why are people acting like I've already joined!? I have lots to research, lots to think about and what I would do if it didn't work for us. Part of my research was asking for people's experiences on here, not the opinions of people who have zero idea.

debating

Does anyone have experience as a single parent in the forces?

Nowhere I have I said I was actually decided and I asked for people's experiences, not to be pasted by people who have no clue.

Ah! I see! So you only wanted the opinions of people who have chosen the exact same life course as the one you are considering. Makes sense! 😂

And of course, anyone with any professional experience of working with or caring for young children, or experience of boarding schools, or even just being, you know, being parents, would not have a valid opinion. 👍

Like I said earlier, I think you’re probably on the wrong board. When you ask for opinions in an open forum, people tend to give you them.

Do it op its a fantastic career, will give you a good salary to buy a house and save for your daughter, boarding schools are generally nice and exist for a reason and most people who went to them are fine.

Im also a military brat and would have joined if my health issues hadnt got in the way. This thread sounds like a bunch of sexist women who think mothers shouldnt have careers. They also seem to think you will see your dd one day a year.

No experience of being an army nurse as a single parent but experience of being a nurse as a single parent and it is extremely tough. I had to leave the NHS as can be pretty inflexible and the majority of wards were long shifts so hard to find childcare for. I went to agency so I could choose when I wanted to work and fit work around my child rather than my child around work and worked permanent nights to still be able to spend as much time as possible with her. I did my training before having my lo but her auntie is training now, with a husband and help from grandparents and they hired a nanny aswell and she is massively struggling and thinking of deferring. I'm not saying don't do it but you seem to have this fantasy about it built in your head and I think you need to be a bit more realistic. Also have known some army nurses and they loved the experience (even if they were surrounded by gunfire and near explosions on deployment), was really good money but didn't have a family when in the army and the one guy who had a family when I knew him left before he had his kids as wanted to be with them full time.
Not got an opinion on boarding school, think its a good experience for some kids and shit experience for others and I have no clue which one it would end up being for your kid.

People need to stop imagining things and that everyone in the military is in the middle of a war zone constantly away from their families.

MN is full of dramatics and hysteria.

But nobody is saying that. Honestly the most dramatic and hysterical person on this thread has been you.

You keep accusing people of imagining things. (And mollycoddling their children and being whiney stay at home mums just because they wouldn't leave their child without a parent for six months at a time).

We are not imagining things.

Most people are going by the information you yourself (and others on this thread) have posted. 14 weeks + however long trade training is, and then you might be posted away from family (and therefore your support network) and then you will be deployed for 6 months at a time.

The people who have voiced concern do not think that is a stable / good environment for a six year old (or any developing child really) who is your sole responsibility. A six year old who only has one parent.

It's not because everyone is dramatically imagining warzones and that you'll be away 52 weeks of the year (as you keep insisting). That's not what makes this a bad idea. It's a six year old who will be without their only parent for considerable amounts of time for largely unnecessary (and dare I say it, selfish) reasons. You could train to be a nurse without the postings and the deployments, and still be around 52 weeks of the year for your daughter who needs a parent (she only has one, and that's you!).

I can assure you many women on mumsnet have careers, and the attitude that not wanting to leave your child for 6 months at a time is "mollycoddling" basically illustrates the point @Showers3 was making:

Personally, I think the damage of boarding schools is well illustrated in your beliefs about the importance of a stable attachment figure for a 6 year old.

I have nothing against boarding schools but if yours is the type of attitude they foster then it does make me wonder.

@Shaniac

Do it op its a fantastic career, will give you a good salary to buy a house and save for your daughter, boarding schools are generally nice and exist for a reason and most people who went to them are fine.

Im also a military brat and would have joined if my health issues hadnt got in the way. This thread sounds like a bunch of sexist women who think mothers shouldnt have careers. They also seem to think you will see your dd one day a year.

Nobody said she shouldn't have a career.

I also challenged several of the people who were in support who said we'd be OK with it if I was a single dad which is sexist.

Just because nursing chat boards say you are unlikely to be sent overseas or on detachment, doesn’t mean to say it won’t happen to you.

I was in another trade, ‘practically guaranteed’ to remain on my unit as long as I wanted with overseas or other locations being somewhat of a choice. Not so.

About 2 years in, I was sent overseas. And subsequently papers came in for detachments. You go where you are needed. End of.

If there is a requirement for you to be overseas in any military difficulty, you will be gone. That is part of your job. There may be special dispensation but it isn’t guaranteed and i have seen it refused on many occasions. I was posted overseas 4 weeks before my wedding. Guess which one was cancelled...

Yes it is job security but it isn’t without inconvenience or significant life changes.

When I served there were leave bans. Longed for trips home or holidays were stopped and you had to remain at work. No choice in that either.

It isn’t something I would have considered with a child.

I do not have children so perhaps I have no skin in this game. I just think it could prove very difficult.

[quote wannabesolider]@SleepingStandingUp even if I did find a man, it would no way no how be an option to leave my daughter's in his care so soon.[/quote]
First sensible thing you’ve said

I honestly think your idea sounds great, I know you don’t want opinions on boarding school, but all the people I know that went have very positive memories and are all successful, well grounded individuals. I have no positive memories of my state run comp.

There's some ridiculous hyperbole on this thread. I can't imagine you're finding it useful OP.

People, she's not "dumping her child with strangers" or "sending her here, there or everywhere".

OP, if you are considering it then really understand what it might mean in terms of being away. I'd also consider making a permanent home with your mum so that if you do get deployed your daughter doesn't move house as well as missing her mum.

I was also a boarding school kid with parents that worked abroad for years. I was fine, and have a brilliant relationship with them now.

Our neighbour was a single mum when we lived on the patch, she was a combat medical tech. It is doable, but I would say you need a support network, and that can be tricky when you get a new posting. It's not just deployments is it, it's exercise, when you get put on 5 day notice to mobilise, shift work when you are on base etc. As you know in the military, you don't get as much say as you would as a civilian, and that can be tough when considering childcare. Boarding school is an option, but you still have holidays, and it is possible she wouldn't be happy there and that would be hard.

As a PP said, have you considered the TA? Especially for nursing it's a bit of the best of both worlds, and nursing itself can afford a great, stable career in or out of the forces. I'm all for women not letting children hold them back in their careers, but the reality is not easy. If you are set on it, would you consider joining as a student nurse so you get fees paid and a wage? You have to study at Birmingham though.

What a pile of shit this thread is.

As per, the internalised misogyny. The expectation that only mums can be sole carers bladebladeblah

OP ignore.

You're doing well