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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Single Parent Joining The Army

432 replies

wannabesolider · 16/01/2021 23:52

Hello!

Posting here mostly for traffic!

I am in the midst of a uni application for nursing, I am mostly certain I will be successful in gaining a place, I already have the grades (equivalent to 3 A's at A-Level). Once I have an offer I am debating whether to join the army and nurses are a high priority trade they are recruiting for, also the generous bursary they offer is appealing. I'm just looking for advice on whether it is feasible or just a pipe dream.

DD will be 3 by the time my degree starts and will be 6 before I commence army training and start serving, I do have childcare options for deployment between family and a nanny and then once old enough will look at the option to place her in boarding school.

Does anyone have experience as a single parent in the forces? Aibu to even think about it?

I am aware of the forces lifestyle as I was a military brat myself that went to boarding school (cheap private school fees is a bonus!). However, my parents were together until my mid teens and I was already at boarding school. My daughter's father has no involvement.

OP posts:
DulciUke · 17/01/2021 04:51

@@'mk

AnnabelleMarx · 17/01/2021 05:58

Goodness I never realized how many women would refuse to marry a man in the armed forces....at least I assume so as their horror about a parent being away definitely isn’t rooted in misogyny and would apply equally to a father......

Hahahahaha.

OP the financial support may be great (I’m in a different country so note sure how it works in the UK armed forces) and really help you to manage the responsibility of providing for your child by setting you up in this career. It’s worth looking in to. I went to med school with a few people in the armed forces who already had children and they support they got was amazing and helped them get through whilst still providing for their kids. They were men though so no doubt the posters frothing at the mouth would have been fine with that.

I agree boarding school isn’t great for everybody but you won’t know whether your kid is the kind to flourish for a while yet. It’s not something we’d do but if I’m honest that’s more because we wouldn’t like it than truthfully being worried about how our kid would cope.

Backbee · 17/01/2021 06:22

As per, the internalised misogyny. The expectation that only mums can be sole carers bladebladeblah

The OP has said the father has no involvement, how is it misogynistic to therefore be realistic? The armed forces aren't what they used to be, a support network of family is great, but it's unlikely they will move around from posting to posting with you. I would say the same to a single father who has no one involvement from the mum.

tara66 · 17/01/2021 07:33

OP how old are you?

GarlicMonkey · 17/01/2021 07:44

Have you considered that you probably have attachment issues due to the nature of your childhood & that's why you can't see how damaging this could be for your daughter?

bluepie · 17/01/2021 07:46

I haven't read the responses but I'm going to guess a lot of negativity! I know of a few single parents in the military, none of whom used boarding schools. The military, RAF I would say in particular, is much more flexible these days, you can put in flexible working requests. I'm not quite sure what the expectation would be for deployments, but am certain if you didn't have suitable alternative care you wouldn't be made to go, I have friends whose husband's don't deploy due to family needs (although won't lie they are resented due to the increase in frequency for those who can).

Military life is much more normal than I think a lot of people realise, depending on the trade, outside of deployment it's very 9-5 with good benefits and training opportunities. It'll just depend on your support network, although it could be done on your own, I suspect you'd be quickly resented and career impacted if you literally couldn't ever deploy or go away to train. Accommodation is provided cheaply, you could move a parent/cater in if you had someone, and postings aren't as frequent as they used to be (again depending on service and trade). My DH gets up to 5 years at a posting.

bluepie · 17/01/2021 07:47

And before and after school care is currently being trialled and could be free for armed forces personnel from Sep this year too by the way, Google it.

AmandaHugenkiss · 17/01/2021 07:50

Ex airforce brat here. I grew up like this (parents still together) and think army would maybe be better than airforce. You move as a unit in the army, and your support network moves with you.

Having said that I enjoyed my childhood. I saw loads of places. I did have a sibling though, and I learned to make friends quickly. I don’t think it’s the awful thing many people make it out to be. The forces are incredibly supportive communities if you fit in. They look after you (or they did).

bluepie · 17/01/2021 07:50

Also, RAF deployments are usually only 4 months, I really do think the RAF would be a much better fit personally, their welfare is much, much better.

SimonJT · 17/01/2021 07:50

My cousins wife was in the forces, she left when they decided to start a family as the number of children with parents in the forces who have attachment difficulties is very very high.

VinterKvinna · 17/01/2021 07:53

Out of interest, why do you want to join the army? What it is you want from it you cant get elsewhere?

Scarby9 · 17/01/2021 07:58

I don't know anyone in your position, but I do know a couple where both were in the military - that's how they met.
They had a full time 24/7 nanny when the children were little, and the children came to stay at their grandparents when the nanny had leave.

They both boarded from 8 and again stayed with grandparents if their parents were deployed when it was school holidays.

The marriage broke up when the children were 10 and 12, but both partners then (affair that ended the marriage for one, within six months for the other) started new relationships also with soldiers.

The man lefy the army about three years later but the woman is still in and high ranking. She sees much less of the children, who are now at uni/ first job stage. They are still close to their grandparents (her parents).

bridgerton · 17/01/2021 07:59

Lots of children (3-18) go to boarding school and end up fine. They have good relationships with their parents and have forged life long friendships.

It's not like you would never see each other again. Your relationship will survive and she will be very independent.

I'd say go for it, but keep your options open. Make sure you have someone to step in as legal guardian should the worst happen.

reesewithoutaspoon · 17/01/2021 08:00

tbh with 3 A's at A level I wouldbe looking at a different career with a higher potential salary and better prospects if you are going to be the sole provider. . (Saying this as a nurse of 35 years)

Backbee · 17/01/2021 08:02

think army would maybe be better than airforce. You move as a unit in the army, and your support network moves with you.

Not the case anymore. The RAF offers far more stability for families. Shorter deployments, longer postings, more likely to get preferences etc.

Itsnotlikethiswithotherpeople · 17/01/2021 08:04

I know you think this is fine but to me it’s sounds negligent. I just can’t get my head around the idea that as the only parent in her life you would willingly choose to spend huge chunks of time unable to be with her and putting yourself in harms way. I just find it unbelievable. Do you feel well attached to her? What’s your attachment to your own parents like?

bluepie · 17/01/2021 08:07

@Scarby9 so you're describing a dated situation considering the kids are uni age. A lot has moved on with employment rights in the military over the last 10 years. I know many dual serving military families and it's not at all as you describe, I don't know anyone with a nanny, and they ensure one parent is always home. Not really relevant to the OP anyway.

Itsnotlikethiswithotherpeople · 17/01/2021 08:09

@user86329

What a pile of shit this thread is.

As per, the internalised misogyny. The expectation that only mums can be sole carers bladebladeblah

OP ignore.

You're doing well

I would say exactly the same to a single dad. It’s really not about that it’s about children basic need for stability. You need only speak to a foster or adoptive parent to see the kind of impact the lack of this can have.
Scarby9 · 17/01/2021 08:13

@bluepie
Sorry you think my contribution wasn't relevant. The OP has not had single army parents' responses and so many people on the thread appeared to have no knowledge at all about life with children in the military so I thought I would offer what little I did know.

I gave the facts ( eg. current age of children) so that the OP could take from the post whatever was currently relevant.

Motnight · 17/01/2021 08:20

Op - what do you mean by molly coddle? It's an odd word to use when you are talking about a 3 year old.

bluepie · 17/01/2021 08:21

@Scarby9 the problem is everyone is doing that and giving a very dated and second hand view!

shesyourlobster · 17/01/2021 08:21

I won't get into whether I agree with your plan or not but just wanted to say that getting funding to help with boarding school fees is not guaranteed in the military anymore. There are a lot more conditions than their used to be, fraud is investigated a lot more (rightly so!!) and I wouldn't be surprised if the entitlement is reduced significantly or even removed within the next ten years. So I wouldn't recommend basing your decision on the ability to get help with boarding school fees.

PurpleHoodie · 17/01/2021 08:28

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/forces_sweethearts

Try this board instead OP.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 17/01/2021 08:28

Was just going to say the same thing shesyourlobster

Just been talking to an ex colleague and their neighbours had a hellish job trying to get funding and were ultimately unsuccessful. (Unsure of reasons why)

Mumofsend · 17/01/2021 08:37

This sounds entirely about what you want and not what your child needs.