Single Parent Joining The Army

[wannabesolider]

Hello!

Posting here mostly for traffic!

I am in the midst of a uni application for nursing, I am mostly certain I will be successful in gaining a place, I already have the grades (equivalent to 3 A's at A-Level). Once I have an offer I am debating whether to join the army and nurses are a high priority trade they are recruiting for, also the generous bursary they offer is appealing. I'm just looking for advice on whether it is feasible or just a pipe dream.

DD will be 3 by the time my degree starts and will be 6 before I commence army training and start serving, I do have childcare options for deployment between family and a nanny and then once old enough will look at the option to place her in boarding school.

Does anyone have experience as a single parent in the forces? Aibu to even think about it?

I am aware of the forces lifestyle as I was a military brat myself that went to boarding school (cheap private school fees is a bonus!). However, my parents were together until my mid teens and I was already at boarding school. My daughter's father has no involvement.

@chomalungma I had 3 secondary schools, including boarding school and boarding school was the best. However, I appreciate it isn't always the right for thing for someone.

I decided an eye roll was suitable given your snide comments about the OP not being suitable for forces life or nursing Sheldon

OP: AIBU?
Everyone else: Yes
OP: Nope, no I'm not

I’ll take my wide eyes and skedaddle then.

I am allowed an opinion - same as everyone else - and that opinion hasn’t changed. It was an observation. Not a pop.

@lcdododo

OP: AIBU? Everyone else: Yes OP: Nope, no I'm not

Not everyone else, as a matter of fact. Lots of supportive posts on this thread.

Id look into reserves first.

@wannabesolider no problem. Chin up and best of luck for the future. Your child is very lucky to have you fighting to give them the best future possible.

@YougoFargo thank you so much for that, I was under the impression I was to do 44 weeks at Sandhurst should I wish to be an officer so that is good to know!

I can hope for Wiltshire as my whole family are all close by , although I know I may not get this preference! Exactly re the 4 years, it's not permanent if it doesn't work

@user1471565182 thanks, also looking into this 😊

@Christmasfairy2020 definitely looking at MH nursing

+1 for consider the other services. Where do you want to live? SW/Hampshire try RN, East/Mids/Scotland try RAF (civvys in uniform but an easier life!).
Good luck with it, it wouldn't be for me (I left the military to spend more time with my kids) but works for some.

One of the hardest things about being away from your parents at boarding school is not being there when they have problems. I couldn't be there when my mum developed breast cancer, I was never really part of the family when she was going through that, and sadly she died not too soon after I left boarding school.

My relationship with my parents was a weekly phone home, seeing them on holidays - although mum and dad both worked a lot and going away on our family holidays.

My fondest memories of my parents, and my mum especially, is those family holidays. Because we never had much chance to do other stuff with them because we were never there.

That's why I think there is a massive downside to boarding school - and it's also why I am trying to have a proper mum relationship with DS. Because he needs someone in his life to look out for him, to be there for him when he has problems - and I think I am trying to compensate for the relationship I don't think I ever really had with my parents. And that I couldn't have with my mum.

@ForestDad civvies in uniform not sue my parents would agree

I think they do know it's easier in the air force than say the Army.

As you know a lot of postings are along the m3 corridor

No they’re not. They’re all over the country.

My husband is due to retire at the end of the year after 35yrs service in the RAF. One of our children is now a seriving soldier, with 6.5yrs behind him, the other a nurse. I think you’re absolutely barking mad.

We’ve been very lucky in that my husband hasn’t been posted all over the place but that’s because he’s an engineer and the RAF like you to get experienced on a particular type and stick to it. However, both kids still went to 7 schools, only one secondary school though, because we settled when we got to that point.

When my kids were 3 I could’ve said they’d have loved boarding school, DS1 in particular. The reality was, but the time he hit 8-9 he would’ve hated it, he didn’t even like sleepovers so it was just as well I was here while DH was away. We’ve had times when DH was in the Falklands on a short deployment and was given a date to return less than 4 months after he got home, so had the person on the list fallen down he’d have stayed on. You always have to be ready to deal with the unexpected because it can and does happen.

I didn’t have a clue how much the army messes people around until DS1 joined up. I’ve never known anything like it. He’s been away for over 550 days so far. He was sitting on the sofa enjoying his Christmas leave and was text to say he needed to be back at work the next day because they were going to be helping with the Covid crisis. He does love the army life though, he’s flying in his career, and will volunteer for absolutely anything and everything because he’s single and has no kids so it suits him.

DS2 did an Adult Nursing degree through uni, he got a bursary. He’s been qualified 2.5 yrs and has worked in A&E for that time, however he’s due to start a band 6 job working out of critical care next month. It’s not true to say the opportunities aren’t there and the pay is crap in the NHS, he’s 24 and will be on £31k before enhancements and he and his girlfriend have just bought a house. They work incredibly hard, DS2 in particular. He’s doing all sorts of courses and qualifications to get extra strings to his bow so that he won’t be sitting in a band 5 job forever and they can afford to have a family later on.

I think you drastically underestimate how difficult shift work is to begin with, without the added pressure of a child. Add into the mix the potential of deployment, deployment at short notice and the fact that CEA is incredibly hard to get, I think your plan is going to be very hard to achieve practically, mentally and physically.

Glad I could give an insight.

In regards to deployments, exercises and most courses (all of which you leave the unit for) - you can't just choose not to go. You can choose to use the 'childcare' card though and they'll take you off it and replace you with someone else. Two things you should consider:

1. Like I said, you will be hated for using the childcare card. "If you can't do your job you shouldn't be in the army" and going away is part of the job. Like I said, if you're deemed to be jack then you'll have a hard time. And by jack I mean taking the piss, letting other people do all the work, not thinking of others, regularly shitting on people etc. Soldiers aren't scared to say it to your face either and noone escapes it even if you don't deserve it. Apparently I was jack when I had pneumonia and couldn't go in the gas chamber, take part in PT or go on exercise. Fuck knows why, not sure what they expected me to do TBH. My weight dropped to 6st, had the worst case of crackles the elderly doctor had ever seen, taking 16 tablets a day and permanently breathed as if I'd just ran a marathon even just laying in bed. It scared my lungs so much I now live with a lung disease. I'm still so bitter about this because it was full on bullying and the seniors just turned a blind eye. But that's what the culture is like if you can't or don't perform 100% and you need to consider that. Could you handle the backlash from not going away?

1. If you use the childcare card to get out of deployments and exercise (particularly exercise because noone likes going off to live in the field for weeks, eating rations and digging holes to poo in if you don't come by a rare porta potty), then someone else needs to go instead. I saw it happen many times while I was in the army which resulted in uproar and people signing off, literally quitting their job, because they'd been away so much already and didn't want to go away again just because someone can't sort childcare. I've also experienced it after leaving the army because my husband has been the replacement many times. It's not fair. It's not fair for someone to do the same job as my husband, get paid the same, but do considerably less. Many times my husband has spent months away only to get home and have to go again because a last minute childcare card has been pulled. My friend's husband was deployed for three months once and, when the kids were down to less than ten sweets on their countdown (one sweet a day until daddy is home) was told he was staying for an extra three months because, you guessed it, someone pulled a childcare card. They were devastated. It's such a shitty self centred thing to do.

It's not fair and I strongly urge anyone not to join if they don't plan on going away.

@chomalungma I'm really sorry you went through all of that, it sounds awful and mentally taxing 😔

Perhaps I was lucky as it has had a positive effect on me and I hope the same for my DD, however I know that isn't alway the case. I don't have many memories with my parents growing up but I'll be damned if I let that happen to my daughter military or not, as it is the only negative side for me.

I was a non boarder at a school where there were plenty of Boarding Army kids, I am still in touch with some now 30 years later.
They largely turned out OK but one think I have noticed is that they don’t feel very attached to anyone and have quite a high rate of divorce. In fact of the 5 people I know who are ex Army kids they are all divorced, some more than once. They are very independent people who have no time for complaining (or emotions in general - such as “whiny kids”) and although they were quite happy to see their parents during holidays if they didn’t they weren’t that bothered. Many of them never really went “home” and transitioned from A levels to jobs or further education easily and just lived their own lives
So they were mostly fine, some even enjoyed it but it’s not something I could even contemplate for my child.
I also have a couple of family members who are forces and have moved their dc plenty of times, 4 schools by the age of 8 in one case, before opting for Boarding school subsidised by the army. Those kids are also “fine” but aren’t too bothered about their parents too much.

@Whereisthechicken I would handle it yes, even so I would not pull it unless I absolutely had to. Ever.

As for countdowns till I come home I would never ever give a certain date. I have a friend who's husband is in the RAF and he was due back the 18th December but they never told or promised their little boy that daddy would be back for Christmas and I would take the same stance.

The other thing that is really hard - if you are at boarding school and your parents get posted elsewhere, is coming home to a new base, and you are there for a week at half term and then back to boarding school.

So where are your friends you can hang out with?
You have a week and then it's back to school.

Harder as well if you are not part of a regiment or something like that - so you don't grow up with the same people. Dad was not part of a regiment and he was an officer - so the 'unspoken' rule was that you didn't mix with kids from the other ranks.

So even fewer people to hang out with.

So yes - boarding school was crap and then coming home and having no friends at home was crap.

That's just my perspective - and I know that some people have a great time.

But there are those who don't.

A life of moving around, no roots, not having time to make real friends. a boarding school environment - and any friends you do make, you can't hang out with at holiday times...

It's great for some - but something I could never to do DS.

@Hoppinggreen - not all army kids! DH and his sibs are all army kids who boarded and not one is divorced. I will say that DH is fairly emotionally odd in some ways - he's very good at getting on with people immediately, he's intensely charming and I think gives the impression of emotional intimacy but in reality cares for very few people and moves on extremely quickly and just seems to forget about them.

There are a few exceptions - his best friend has remained the same since he was in his teens, he and I got together very young and have been together 20 years now - but he's definitely emotionally reserved.

I'm probably a bit the same to be fair, and I was a boarder, tho not army. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing entirely to just invest strongly in a few relationships rather than lots, while still getting on with people in general.

[quote wannabesolider]@Whereisthechicken I would handle it yes, even so I would not pull it unless I absolutely had to. Ever.

As for countdowns till I come home I would never ever give a certain date. I have a friend who's husband is in the RAF and he was due back the 18th December but they never told or promised their little boy that daddy would be back for Christmas and I would take the same stance.[/quote]
I know we had words last night but do you not think that's.....sad? Very sad? Kids not knowing whether their parents will be home for Christmas? Is that supposed to save them disappointment in some way?

You sound like you could have attachment issues if you are happy to palm your daughter off to boarding school and planning for it when she's so young. Did you see healthy parenting modelled as a child? Unlikely if your parents paid institutions to look after you.

Frankly the army are responsible for countless human rights violations and I cannot see how the values of those who tolerate that are compatible of the values required to be a nurse (compassion and avoidance of needless violence as a couple of examples).

You just want an echo chamber of people telling you how brave you must be. Unusual to look for that in AIBU. Even more unusual to spit the dummy when it's not what you're getting.

@Wheresmykimchi so by that logic, that suggests to forces personnel should have children at all

@Wheresmykimchi you have to look at things differently. OH has been posted up north on covid duties whilst I’ve been going through early pregnancy and it’s been really tough working full time and looking after our dog and my horse whilst feeling like shit. Of course I miss him and it’s hard. But he’s organising mass testing in an area that had a very high infection rate. So my overarching feeling is of immense pride.

That is the lesson I will teach my children. That yes we will miss Daddy when he has to go away, but that he is doing it for the greater good, to protect others etc.

@Hoppinggreen

I was a non boarder at a school where there were plenty of Boarding Army kids, I am still in touch with some now 30 years later. They largely turned out OK but one think I have noticed is that they don’t feel very attached to anyone and have quite a high rate of divorce. In fact of the 5 people I know who are ex Army kids they are all divorced, some more than once. They are very independent people who have no time for complaining (or emotions in general - such as “whiny kids”) and although they were quite happy to see their parents during holidays if they didn’t they weren’t that bothered. Many of them never really went “home” and transitioned from A levels to jobs or further education easily and just lived their own lives So they were mostly fine, some even enjoyed it but it’s not something I could even contemplate for my child. I also have a couple of family members who are forces and have moved their dc plenty of times, 4 schools by the age of 8 in one case, before opting for Boarding school subsidised by the army. Those kids are also “fine” but aren’t too bothered about their parents too much.

I am an army child and I am divorced but I would put that down to getting married far too young as many army children do because that is the example the my often see and also back then you had to be married to get an army quarter and if you didn't want to lose each by separate postings you got married. I am friends on FB with 100+ army friends and I genuinely struggling to come up with more than three who divorced or gone off the rails and again in the divorce cases, it was because of an early unsuitable marriage. I just don't agree with the idea that majority of forces children have attachment issues due to them being forces. How can this possibly be concluded without knowing of other social issues that may have been taking place within the family?