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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When do we teach daughters to fight back?

353 replies

Jimbellselmbath · 16/01/2021 23:47

Dd has been in trouble in school for "fighting"
She is 12 and a little skinny thing.
The other side was a boy, a school year older, taller and bigger, she said he has already turned 14. So nearer 2 years older.
He has history for attacking girls back to primary but his parents are very vocal and protective and their boy is an angel.
DD got the better of him in the "fight"
Dd said he started it and she finished it like we had always told her to do.
None of the above was disputed by either side.
DD was placed in isolation for a week although lockdown happened so she did 2 days. The boy got nothing although he was in school.
What has really riled me is the teacher was so bothered about her retaliating, that was the source of her punishment.
Having had time to think about it I am not happy.
So dd shouldn't retaliate? Should she do so when she's older?
If an older boy kicks her in the fanny on the bus, should she wait until the next day to report at school? What if he's not from the school? What about an adult? Should she sit quietly and take his abuse? At what age can a girl fight back? I want to go to his house but dd would die of shame
I have no faith in the school

OP posts:

BettyAndVeronica · 17/01/2021 00:41

Who do I go to past the head of house? It is all new to me.

Write directly to the head. CC in the deputy head and head of year. Then forward a copy to the chair of governors to make them aware of this situation.

LadyDique · 17/01/2021 00:44

Who do I go to past the head of house?

But why do you need to?

Surely the first thing you do is ask the question 'why had my child been punished when she was the one attacked?'. You may get quite a different version of events. It doesn't sound like you've even asked that yet.

Original poster

Jimbellselmbath · 17/01/2021 00:44

@LadyDique

Large 14 year old boy attacks slight 12 year old girl with no provocation and it's the girl who's punished. Not only that, but the slight 12 year old girl got the better of the hulking 14 year old boy in the ensuing fight - is she a trained ninja?

Seems like there's quite a bit missing from this story to me tbh.

She got the better of him as she has always been taught to fight back and not back down and been taught how to defend herself. I did wonder whether he had heard of that and fancied his chances but she said that she has never told anybody and she didn't know him before this

OP posts:

Chalkcheese · 17/01/2021 00:45

I would be going to the police if this happened to my child. It is a sexual assault. Also the governors, the council, MP, Ofsted everyone. I got sexually assaulted in school and the boy didn't get in trouble and it's all kinds of wrong. If my kid was the kicker in the situation I would want them to get in trouble with the police too. Because at 14 years old it might help straighten that lad out. Unchecked he will be the rapist, domestic violence abuser and possibly even murderer of the future.

WaltzingBetty · 17/01/2021 00:48

@youvegottenminuteslynn

"He kicked her between the legs"

"He kicked her in her privates"

Both less jarring alternatives but if English isn't your first language I totally understand you using different language - just wanted to answer your question re phrasing.

Because what matters here is sensibilities. God forbid we should use anatomical or commonplace terms: vagina, vulva, fanny, cunt.

Dear god! pass the smelling salts!
And let's definitely derail a thread on female sexual assault by trying to shame the poster for naming it

Christ, misogyny is alive and well.

WorraLiberty · 17/01/2021 00:49

The more you say OP, the more I really think you need to go into the school (when you can) and find out the version of events given to the staff.

So far they were pissing about and then he randomly kicked her between the legs afterwards.

Of course that might have happened (it's not beyond the realms of possibility) but you really do need to hear what the school have to say.

In my DC's school, both kids would've been separated and asked to write a statement. Any witnesses would be separated and asked to do the same.

themental · 17/01/2021 00:49

What's vile is that you're more offended by words than a 12 year old being assaulted and then the school being misogynistic in their handling of it. As always.

Exactly!

In some parts of the UK a fanny is genuinely what it's called most of the time.

Utter snobbery.

LadyDique · 17/01/2021 00:50

She got the better of him as she has always been taught to fight back and not back down.

More fool you. I'm sorry if your daughter has been the victim of an attack but 'don't back down' is a ridiculous thing to teach a child and incredibly dangerous to them.

Let's hope the next time your daughter doesn't back down, the assailant hasn't got a knife.

B33Fr33 · 17/01/2021 00:51

I can well.imagine a 12 year old getting the better of a larger attacker. The attacker has probably very little expectation of defence because I imagine a lot of victims would be in a state of shock and perhaps is a lot of people's response. Also the victim would have a massive adrenalin response, she chose to use that. At 12 I had done 3 years of karate and i was no ninja but I did floor some fucker who went for me in a park, then ran with a speed I couldn't normally muster. Adrenalin is powerful.

I'm glad she hurt him. Kick up an almighty stink on behalf of your daughter, every avenue should be explored. This boy is on a fairly dark path, already violently assaulting females at 14?!

Original poster

Jimbellselmbath · 17/01/2021 00:53

Dd has a photograph! Knickers on so nothing on show but it is literally his heel right on her groin so you know where the rest of his foot hit. So I should go straight to the head teacher with this? Had no contact with form teacher ever even before this.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 17/01/2021 00:55

@Jimbellselmbath

Actually just go straight to the police.

They'll take a statement from your daughter, the boy and the witnesses. This will give a clear version not just of the assault but whatever (if anything) led up to it.

If you go to the head, you'll probably have to wait until after lockdown for all that to happen.

Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 00:55

If the boy got nothing, you need to get the full version of events. Someone's not telling the truth about something.

Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 00:56

@LadyDique

She got the better of him as she has always been taught to fight back and not back down.

More fool you. I'm sorry if your daughter has been the victim of an attack but 'don't back down' is a ridiculous thing to teach a child and incredibly dangerous to them.

Let's hope the next time your daughter doesn't back down, the assailant hasn't got a knife.

Quite

WorraLiberty · 17/01/2021 00:56

@Wheresmykimchi

If the boy got nothing, you need to get the full version of events. Someone's not telling the truth about something.

1 million%

Report to Police OP and then the truth will come out

Original poster

Jimbellselmbath · 17/01/2021 00:57

@LadyDique

She got the better of him as she has always been taught to fight back and not back down.

More fool you. I'm sorry if your daughter has been the victim of an attack but 'don't back down' is a ridiculous thing to teach a child and incredibly dangerous to them.

Let's hope the next time your daughter doesn't back down, the assailant hasn't got a knife.

Let's hope if your child is attacked/kidnapped that they haven't listened to you or somebody else sees and jumps in. Bloody hell

OP posts:

BluebellsGreenbells · 17/01/2021 01:02

You need to call the police and get DD to issue a statement.

Even if they do nothing, his name will be on file for next time.

The reason they get away with this is because people don’t speak up. What if the next child can’t defend themselves? He should be expelled.

Speak out. He could make it worse for her next time.

LadyDique · 17/01/2021 01:02

Let's hope if your child is attacked/kidnapped that they haven't listened to you

Don't be so utterly ridiculous.

If your child is attacked or someone tries to abduct them they RUN. YELL. TELL.

You don't teach a child to 'fight back and never back down'. You teach them to lash out if needed in self defence then run like fuck and make themselves safe.

Jesus

IdblowJonSnow · 17/01/2021 01:04

Your dad should not be in trouble for defending herself, that's awful. I'd have gone to the police personally.
Wtf are the school thinking?

WorraLiberty · 17/01/2021 01:05

So do you know what you're going to do yet OP?

saz85 · 17/01/2021 01:06

You've had some really good advice already here.

Email the head asking why no punishment for the boy, explain you have photos but don't send them in the initial email.
Copy in govs and deputy head and safeguarding lead.

You absolutely need to be taking this seriously and letting the school know where you stand on this.
Contact police.

I'd even go as far to request a meeting with the head....you can socially distance don't take the 'because of covid ' excuse.....its perfectly possible to maintain a distance etc.
I'd ring first thing mon am

Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 01:06

@BluebellsGreenbells

You need to call the police and get DD to issue a statement.

Even if they do nothing, his name will be on file for next time.

The reason they get away with this is because people don’t speak up. What if the next child can’t defend themselves? He should be expelled.

Speak out. He could make it worse for her next time.

Mm. Interesting we are all quick to get this boy " on file", expelled, and suggest he could do more.

He got no punishment whatsoever but the DD who was taught to "fight and never back down" did,

Interesting.

I'll await the updates first I think.

Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 01:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Jimbellselmbath · 17/01/2021 01:13

I will email the head tomorrow and look for the others to CC as I feel the teacher has tried to brush this away. I wasn't sure if the head was the right person in this case. Never been here before. Thank you

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 17/01/2021 01:14

OP this is terrible. I would talk to your dd and plan together what you will do. in your shoes I would hope this would be involving the police and speaking to the school.

This not acceptable.

So sorry for your poor dd.

LadyDique · 17/01/2021 01:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

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