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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When do we teach daughters to fight back?

353 replies

Jimbellselmbath · 16/01/2021 23:47

Dd has been in trouble in school for "fighting"
She is 12 and a little skinny thing.
The other side was a boy, a school year older, taller and bigger, she said he has already turned 14. So nearer 2 years older.
He has history for attacking girls back to primary but his parents are very vocal and protective and their boy is an angel.
DD got the better of him in the "fight"
Dd said he started it and she finished it like we had always told her to do.
None of the above was disputed by either side.
DD was placed in isolation for a week although lockdown happened so she did 2 days. The boy got nothing although he was in school.
What has really riled me is the teacher was so bothered about her retaliating, that was the source of her punishment.
Having had time to think about it I am not happy.
So dd shouldn't retaliate? Should she do so when she's older?
If an older boy kicks her in the fanny on the bus, should she wait until the next day to report at school? What if he's not from the school? What about an adult? Should she sit quietly and take his abuse? At what age can a girl fight back? I want to go to his house but dd would die of shame
I have no faith in the school

OP posts:
RoomOfRequirement · 17/01/2021 00:15

Kicks her in the fanny? Are you for real? Vile phrasing.

What's vile is that you're more offended by words than a 12 year old being assaulted and then the school being misogynistic in their handling of it. As always.

MayYouLiveInInterestingTimes · 17/01/2021 00:16

Do you know what his excuse for attacking was? I definitely think this needs to be talked about with the school, all circumstances established etc. A fight inside a school should be a concern. Maybe specific details of punishment wouldn't be discussed, blah, blah, but in case of an unprovoked attack the victim has the right to know that the aggressor will face some kind of sanction.

echt · 17/01/2021 00:16

@Jimbellselmbath

Sorry for the phrasing, I am not English and we are based in Liverpool. That is what we call the area, fanny, genitals, whatever, you know what I mean Hmm
No apology needed. The idea that how you said it should be the focus rather than the outrage visited on your daughter makes me Hmm
CoffeeBeansGalore · 17/01/2021 00:17

Put everything in writing so you have a paper trail.
Summarise the phone calls.
State you are not happy that your daughter was punished for defending herself yet the boy that assaulted your daughter was given no punishment.
They have failed to protect your daughter. This is a safeguarding issue, not just a bullying issue.
Ask for their safeguarding policies and bullying policies.
State that you will be reporting this incident to the police as this was an assault on your Dd (and do it).
Cc in the local education authority whether you do this by email or letter.
Your daughter needs to know that you are behind her and that she has every right to defend herself.

Housebuyer2021 · 17/01/2021 00:19

It read to me like the OP was thinking about things that could happen in the future in that last paragraph so I was surprised by the phrasing. Apologies for the misunderstanding Smile

I hope you manage to sort this out OP.

Hotzenplotz · 17/01/2021 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hill1991 · 17/01/2021 00:22

If his parents are vocal your going to have to be more vocal and stand up for your daughter I would ring the school and tell them what actually happened was sexual assault and for them not to down play it to a fight as that's not what it is.

Good on your daughter to have the tenacity to stand up for herself. (Maybe this boy might now think before he starts on another girl)

WorraLiberty · 17/01/2021 00:25

If everything happened as you have been told, then of course the boy should be punished, so obviously you'll have to escalate it with the school.

WaltzingBetty · 17/01/2021 00:26

I think you need to speak to the school and police about the fact this boy sexually assaulted your daughter.

She absolutely should fight back in this situation and the school need to support female self defence against male attackers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/01/2021 00:26

"He kicked her between the legs"

"He kicked her in her privates"

Both less jarring alternatives but if English isn't your first language I totally understand you using different language - just wanted to answer your question re phrasing.

Wearywithteens · 17/01/2021 00:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

HeyMister · 17/01/2021 00:28

Your daughter did the right thing. 👍

Christmasnightmare · 17/01/2021 00:31

Jimbellselmbath don’t you worry about phrasing, we all all now what you mean:l.

Sexism goes on forever. Take it further at school please please please because in the future she won’t because she will need the good will....

Kick back hard when you can.

Original poster
Jimbellselmbath · 17/01/2021 00:32

Who do I go to past the head of house? It is all new to me.
What happened was a fire drill, all having to line up in the playground. DD was 8f and the boy was 9a so lines are next to each other. An hour or so later of them all pissing about, he ran over and kicked her in the shmundie. DD said it was right after lunch so 12.30pm ish and nobody got to go inside before the end of the day. Freezing day and 2 1/2 hours outside. I had a casual email from HOY not requiring a response. It was only when she showed me the boot print on pick up that I replied requesting a call back.

OP posts:
partyatthepalace · 17/01/2021 00:32

He kicked her in the vagina so hard she was badly bruised?! OP this is assault - you need to escalate this - I would write a formal complaint to the school. You should also report it to the police. Do use the proper word though, in this serious context using slang is not going to serve you well.

Schools will always punish physical retaliation, but the perpetrator would normally be punished more severely. Anyway that is done - but report it properly.

In terms of your daughter fighting back, I think knowing self defence is good, but obviously there are times when it’s wise to use it and times when it’s wise to walk away.

bevelino · 17/01/2021 00:34

If this were one of my dds I would have called the police without question.

SimplyRadishing · 17/01/2021 00:35

@WaltzingBetty

I think you need to speak to the school and police about the fact this boy sexually assaulted your daughter.

She absolutely should fight back in this situation and the school need to support female self defence against male attackers

This. I would be 100% be looking filing a police report and documenting injuries. I'd be pushing them to prosecute too. I'd also be raising merry hell at the school and there is NO way she'd be doing those detentions.
LadyDique · 17/01/2021 00:35

Large 14 year old boy attacks slight 12 year old girl with no provocation and it's the girl who's punished. Not only that, but the slight 12 year old girl got the better of the hulking 14 year old boy in the ensuing fight - is she a trained ninja?

Seems like there's quite a bit missing from this story to me tbh.

partyatthepalace · 17/01/2021 00:35

Re reporting to school - there will be a complaints procedure on the website, or you could just write to the Head - do not engage with junior staff.

WorraLiberty · 17/01/2021 00:36

But what was the reason given for kicking her in the 'shmundie'?

Was it completely random?

Not that there's any excuse for it but I do feel you've not been told the entire story for some reason.

WorraLiberty · 17/01/2021 00:37

And yes, if it's caused bruising like that I would involve police too

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 17/01/2021 00:37

I hope she kicked him in his bollocks. I agree with you contacting the Head teacher and the Safeguarding lead. She's put in isolation (which I don't agree with) and he gets away with sexual assault? What sort of message is that sending to this boy and other boys?

Original poster
Jimbellselmbath · 17/01/2021 00:38

I have just checked, teacher I dealt with is actually deputy head. Dd thought she was HOY7, she is in school everyday as we are key workers so I would like to sort it now.

OP posts:
MissMarpleDarling · 17/01/2021 00:39

My son got punched in the face by another kid. My sons the tallest in his year and this boy is tiny in comparison but he punched my child in the face, breaking his glasses and cutting his face and my son punched him right back in the face. I went crazy, rang the police to report it. My son acted in self defence and I wanted to know that he would be safe in school. The boy got the police turn up at his door and got a warning as he had never been in trouble before but they said if he attacks my son again I can press charges. School gave him isolation for 3 days my son didn't even get so much as a detention for retaliating. I did have to remind them my child was attacked in school, acted in self defence to protect himself and was extremely upset by it all. I'd be fuming if I was you OP.

partyatthepalace · 17/01/2021 00:41

@Ladydique

There might well be, but if the OP says her daughter has a badly bruised vagina, and her daughter says this was inflicted by a bigger and older boy, then that sounds like assault and should be investigated as such, regardless of whether there were other kids involved.