What pronoun would you use?

[Learningtobehappier]

Heres the back story.

I was with my EXH for 5 years, left because of DV over 5 years ago with our child, theres zero contact, doesn't know where we live, we've been in refuge previously.

EXH is currently being investigated for Child Sex offences and i should find out soon if he will be charged (theres pretty good evidence).

I am a witness, have provided a statement and would go to court.

EXH now identifies as a female.

I'll obviously ask if the time comes, but in court which pronoun would you use? At the time when everything happened they were male, so it would come naturally to say "he then did this" but I wouldn't want to look bad for using him/he. But at the same time, it would feel really wrong for me to say "then she did this" when at the time they were male.

I thought about using they/their but then I need to be specific that there was only EXH there and that no one else was there, or that there was someone else there but only EXH did something etc.

So what would you use? What would I be expected to use?

absolutely not a transgender bashing thread

Firstly, I'm sorry for what you went through, and what you're facing.
Secondly, I applaud you for not lowering yourself to transphobia, no matter how much you hate this person.
As you don't know them as they are now, I'd suggest using 'they'. I'm assuming you'd be talking about them in past tense, but using he/him could be risky. 'They' is fine and could be used for anyone, trans or not.

Take legal advice if possible, see if you can put out a disclaimer that you'll be using they/them pronouns instead of referring to them as their deadname/dead pronouns. This could look good for you as it shows you've taken initiative to be considerate.

Best of luck OP.

Cross post with Etinox omg!

I would say "My former husband".

It would be a cold day in Hell before I would say "She"!!!

That's the think, I dont want to say the wrong thing or get in trouble and seem bitter.

If he's charged I think I'll obviously have legal advise and a witness support officer I think? So I'll be able to ask. Its just been something that's bugging me. Perhaps explaining that when giving evidence, I will use their former name as it was at the time, but when referring to EXH in the present, say they/them.

I would use they/them

I know this isn't a trans bashing thread but on MN anything like this will soon descend into one unfortunately

Sadly I think my ex husband may be your best bet. So sorry you are in this situation. He sounds dangerous.

I would just use his name.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. All the very best.

I would use he. You can only honestly tell the court the truth if you use the right words to describe your experience at the time. He was your partner and a male. The fact he decided to change gender (he's still male) at a later date is neither here nor there to the account you have to tell.

My issue here is that if the op has half her mind concentrating on using the "correct" name or pronoun, it's interfering with her thought processes and the flow. She may forget small but potentially important details because of getting caught up in the right words to use.

Def speak to someone to get legal advice about this.

Surely it could be possible to have a preamble explaining that as you are referring to the past, "he" and "Colin" are the words that come naturally and if you slip then it's because you are concentrating on the events and the questions, not out of malice.

Crime comitted as a male! He. Considering there is a tiny percentage of trans people, they seem to be overly represented as sex offenders in prison. Is this because male sex offenders identify as females ?

I say this as a lawyer.

If you dead-name her or refer to “he”/“him”, the court is most likely to view you as vindictive and biased. They would, in those circumstances, be much less likely to make your evidence seriously.

What pronoun would I use? I'd use "dirty nonce".

“That shit over there, your honour”

Let the solicitor guide you. Use whatever pronoun they advise. You don’t want your ex-husband to get away with this or even get any sort of sympathy from those hearing the story.

The Judge and jury will be sympathetic to you. The Judge might even say you can call him by his male name, but if the Judge asks you and everyone else not to, go with what the Judge says. The jury can't reasonably criticise you for doing what you are told, but they might not be too impressed with a mouthy witness arguing the toss with the Judge. Don't be a smart-arse. Juries hate that.
And don't worry about slipping up .Most witnesses do. If you make a mistake, just apologise and correct yourself. Juries don't expect witnesses to be perfect, but they expect them to play by the rules of the court.
And please don't worry about giving evidence, most witnesses find it far easier than they expected. Barristers aren't as good in real life as they are on TV.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It all sounds very traumatic for you.

I’d use my ex husband/they/the accused.

There’s zero chance I’d use ‘she’ to refer to an abusive male.

TBH I think it's highly unlikely that anyone in court is going to pursue charges of child sex abuse in anything but the accused's gender/social role/body parts at the time. Relationships described as husband/ father/uncle/dad/ will make female pronouns redundant.

Nobody's going to ask witnesses "Was the accused a loving mother ? Did you ever see this woman show her penis to a child? "

Sure he identifies as female now it suits him! And you have every right to identify him as male.

He or name The identifies as a female is just a smokescreen at this point

I’d get advice but my instinct would be a first paragraph to say the Defendant was male and called Brian from birth until 2017. As he was Brian at time events took place i will use male name and pronoun.
Witness statements should be your recollection and words you will be telling story as you recollect so he did x.
I’d worry it’s an attempt to minimise crime - actions may seem less reprehensible if done by a woman (depending what happened of course) so saying she and Brenda could be misleading if Defendant was he Brian at time.

I would say he but you should take legal advice in case you make the court feel sorry for him, a poor victim of transphobia.

I personally would never refer to a male in court as she, because I think it is a lie, and so would be incompatible with the oath to tell the truth, which I take seriously.

I also think that forcing someone to lie to the court is itself a form of oppressive domination.

So I would use ‘he’, & refuse to give evidence if told I had to lie.

But if you do not feel comfortable doing this, I would go with ‘my then husband’ , and take your time to make sure you get it right.

So glad you have escaped this abusive man.

@legalseagull

If you're recalling a memory and giving evidence of the fact that you witnessed you should absolutely refer to him as he was at the time - him

This. I wonder if his decision to identify as a woman came before or after his arrest.

The defendant.

Absolutely get advice. So sorry your family has been through this.