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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh stopping maintenance

323 replies

savethegiblets · 16/01/2021 14:27

Nc for this because I know this is a controversial subject!
Dh has a ds 21 and a dd 18.
Dh and his ex wife had a private arrangement re maintenance. Dsd has now moved out and is living with her bf in her uni town, and dss still lives at home with his mum, has never worked apart from a few weeks in a cafe, and has dropped out of college twice.
Dh has decided is probably about time he stops paying maintenance to his ex, but instead just helps the dsc out with money when they need it etc.
What do people think of this idea? I feel that at 21 and 18 this is definitely reasonable but I have a feeling dh ex will not agree...

OP posts:
Scbchl · 16/01/2021 16:57

Absolutely agree with that. The 21 year old is an adult who needs to start either looking for a job (I know it's hard in the current climate) or looking into education. He isnt a child anymore so the child maintenance should stop.

SciFiScream · 16/01/2021 16:58

Everyone involved needs to get together and talk about this. The Dad, the daughter, the son and the ex-wife.

How much has he been paying recently?

Perhaps he could pay an equivalent amount of job seekers to son and ex-wife arranges to take digs from that. I say that because it sounds like the son needs a learning opportunity about income/outgoings.

Alternatively everyone agrees that son claims job seekers from state and pays his mum digs. Dad and ex-wife may come to an agreement where Dad still contributes to an agreed amount.

Daughter supported by each parent to an agreed amount with an agreed end point.

keyworkerhonestguv · 16/01/2021 16:59

I think reduced but direct payments for DD for uni fees etc if she is in full time education but living entirely independently.

With DS id give some advance notice but approach it in the way that DM and DF should approach DS directly together as a united front and make it clear at 21 the onus is on him to support himself to pay his way to live with his Mum. And that he has 3/6 months to get his shit together. Surely mum wants him to get his act together too? Is he claiming jobseekers?

SciFiScream · 16/01/2021 17:01

Depending on how much the private arrangement is now, you and your DH need to discuss what you'd ideally like the situation to be when DH speaks to his DC and their Mum.

Maybe you maintain a commitment but halve it? Again depends on how much you pay right now.

Moirarose2021 · 16/01/2021 17:05

She might still get it, my dh now pays the maintenance directly to his dc (similar ages to ops), has just discovered his ex wife charges the dc rent. However still think at those ages pay directly to dc and what happens to that money after is up to them. This only apply if at uni /college imo

peak2021 · 16/01/2021 17:09

I agree with those who say there must be a conversation and not a sudden stopping of the payments without one.

choli · 16/01/2021 17:09

@HugeAckmansWife

I think if the offspring is still being supported by one parent then the other should contribute yes. She is keeping a roof over his head and feeding him. It sounds like he needs some help and direction but realistically most of us wouldn't boot our kids out on the street for being feckless at 18. If your DH gives him money directly, presumably he'll just spend it on himself / going out etc rather than contributing to the weekly shop and bills so whilst the mother is still providing those things, his father should contribute toward that.
I suspect the 21yr old (not 18) will find that his mother will no longer let him freeload when the child support ends.
Hugoslavia · 16/01/2021 17:10

What are the implications of him stopping paying maintenance? Can his ex wife afford to keep the house/pay the mortgage? Can she afford to feed the children? Etc. I think that 18-21 is actually a very vulnerable age for teens/young adults starting out and having some consistency is good. You wouldn't want to be in a situation where she has to sell up and the 18 year old needs to move back in with her etc. I think that these are strange times too so hard for them to find employment and contribute. Personally I would give her notice but wait another year to allow for the current circumstances.

Bollss · 16/01/2021 17:13

Lol proyextibv the ex from change in the current climate ignoring the fact that op is a lot worse off.

MaudHatter · 16/01/2021 17:13

Be prepared to house the son when his mum asks him to move out .

Doublefaced · 16/01/2021 17:17

@ILoveYou3000

People really do need to read the OP's posts (correctly) and stop making up their own versions of things.

SD doesn't live at home. She has a job and is in uni. She's given money by both parents and her dad also gives money to the mother of her boyfriend with whom she currently lives.

SS, who is 21, has chosen not to work and also to drop out of college. OP and her husband have tried to arrange interviews and encourage him to do something. They offered for him to move in with them to make it easier for a certain job, his mum decided that wasn't a good idea.

Reading between the lines, SS's mum doesn't seem all that bothered about his lack of ambition or the fact he's lazing around home doing nothing. Why should OP's husband be funding someone else's apathy? If the mum isn't bothered about her son doing nothing with his life then she should fund it. And I'd say that whether it was mum or dad, biological or step-child.

Perhaps you should take your own advice Grin @ILoveYou3000

‘Ex gives some of the maintenance to bfs mum to pay for dsd since she’s not Living at home now’

From the OP. Ex being the Ex wife Wink

Mortified for you. First rule of MN. Don’t preach unless you’re perfect Grin

Original poster
savethegiblets · 16/01/2021 17:18

@MaudHatter I wouldn’t need to be prepared to do anything.. .. he is an adult.

OP posts:
Diverseopinions · 16/01/2021 17:19

It all hinges on whether dss has some mental health needs or SEN. You can't get a clear picture of what is going on based on outcomes alone. Or reading the thread you can't. The young man may not have rejected offers of work experience simply because he is idle. He may be depressed. The reason ex wants to protect ds might be that she sees he is vulnerable and doesn't want to exacerbate how he's feeling. She has maybe tried a bit of tough talking and it hasn't worked.

timelord92 · 16/01/2021 17:19

I don't understand all the people on this thread saying the dad should still pay maintenance to the son who is 21 and not in full time education or in a job. He needs to get a job or sign on for job seekers allowance and will have to pay his mum keep money out of that. I'm surprised the dad has still been paying maintenance money for him up to now given his age.

As for the daughter, the CMS states that maintenance is paid until a child finishes full time education. As she is in higher education, the mum isn't entitled to any maintenance. Your DSD will receive money from the student loans company to cover her costs while at university and the OP says she has a job too so sounds like she's doing better than her brother. If her dad decides to help her out with a bit of extra cash a week or whatever then that is a bonus but it shouldn't be expected of him. If his daughter lived at home with her mother whilst at university then maybe they would each agree to help more towards their daughter but that isn't the case here.

PoppiesinOctober · 16/01/2021 17:20

@MaudHatter

Be prepared to house the son when his mum asks him to move out .
And why should they?
Sophiesdog2020 · 16/01/2021 17:25

Doublefaced

But Op does make the point that if her DH stops maintenance, he plans to give money directly to the DSD, so she (and presumably her bfs mum) will not miss out, they will just get it directly from the dad?

He should definitely stop the maintenance for the 21yo, and I would divert that for the 18yo to the DD herself, and the Bf mum.

All those saying carry on until the eldest is 22 - why? Yes if he was at uni until then, that would be fair, but he’s not, he’s doing sod all and his parents are supporting that.

Like a pp said, it sounds like the ex is not bothered about her son working as she is still getting money for him. Might be different when she isn’t getting any maintenance, at the very least he can get retail work, or sign on.

Doublefaced · 16/01/2021 17:28

‘Your DSD will receive money from the student loans company to cover her costs while at university’

How many children do you have at Uni?

unmarkedbythat · 16/01/2021 17:28

Some of you are absolutely fucking crackers.

Sophiesdog2020 · 16/01/2021 17:29

And when I say ‘at the very least’, I mean because retail is one area that is still open and therefore there are possibly jobs available.

I am not looking down on retail, my youngest works in it and eldest worked in it from early in first lockdown (whilst finishing degree) until December.

London1977 · 16/01/2021 17:31

He should still pay until his son turns 21.

Diverseopinions · 16/01/2021 17:31

If ds mum prompts him to move out and he can't cope, and has some nervous issues, then dad will of course urge him to come and stay with him, his wife and the boy's little brother, because they all love him and want to be there for him with all the encouragement they can give.

But again, it's impossible to know how ds would cope. The fact that his mum is protective suggests she may have concerns about the lad's resilience and emotional and mental health needs. But, without knowing, it's impossible to infer if he's idle or a vulnerable adult.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 16/01/2021 17:32

@London1977

He should still pay until his son turns 21.
Why?
Sophiesdog2020 · 16/01/2021 17:32

He should still pay until his son turns 21.

The son is already 21, and doesn’t do anything!

CostaDelCovid · 16/01/2021 17:32

I agree. However, if they were still together and the 18yr old was still at home (rent free) then his income would be paying towards their DS's upkeep

London1977 · 16/01/2021 17:32

[quote savethegiblets]@MaudHatter I wouldn’t need to be prepared to do anything.. .. he is an adult.[/quote]
Well don't you sound a peach.

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