Calls me a whore during sex

[televino]

Name changed, please go easy on me.

I've been with my DH for a few years now, and we've had some sexual issues on and off but overall quite a healthy relationship. I have some MH problems and severe childhood trauma (which I'm seeking help for) and I'm currently avoiding any self-harming behaviour e.g. alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, cutting etc.

However, I'm still having sex despite it also being a previous self-harming behaviour for me as I know it's a key part of a relationship. (By previous self-harming behaviour I mean excessive casual sex, seeking out abusive men who will hurt me, not stating or expecting boundaries etc). Since getting rid of some of the non-sexual self harming methods, I'm now quite a lot more consciously aware during sex of what's actually happening and not fading off into dissociation.

Anyway, sorry I'll get to my point. My DH is lovely, but he calls me a lot of pornified names during sex e.g. "whore", "fucking little slut" etc. His favourite position is the one that unfortunately causes me pain (I think this is unrelated) so I think it may easily be that he's had too much porn and is taking it as normal.

All of this seems very standard for me and I've experienced it with most men I've slept with but I'm wondering how much of this is actually normal? It's an odd question to ask, but I'm asking because I don't have a natural response at all anymore of "you shouldn't be doing / saying / treating me like that" so I need to know if this is something that I'm accepting because it's genuinely OK, or accepting because I have damage & trauma.

Not asking for anyone to sort my life or feelings out, but I know there's a lot of wisdom and experience here that I would like to use as some kind of general consensus.

YABU: This is normal (or at least non-harmful)
YANBU: This is not normal (and you're potentially accepting something you shouldn't be accepting).

Thank you. x

[CheetasOnFajitas]

@televino

As for how much sharing is normal, my husband and I have no desire to hear a single detail about each other’s past sex lives. I can’t speak for others but why would you want to know?

If I had a partner who had trauma from something innocuous like being touched on the leg, I'd want to be aware of it so I can avoid doing it (especially unintentionally). He knows because a lot of it relates to my character and the way I behave now. Maybe that was wrong of me, but I thought it was important.

But you do not have to justify why you do not want someone to do something. You just tell them that you do not want them to do it and that should be enough. So your partner says “do not touch me on the leg”, I don’t like it. And you simply do not touch them on the leg.
That is not a good example though as leg-touching can happen accidentally so they might need to explain why accidental touch might provoke an extreme reaction. What I am talking about here is sexual practices.

[Icanseegreenshoots]

Op you need to get some therapy as soon as you possibly can. None of this sounds normal or healthy and is positively abusive.

I am sorry, but you should not have to even ask us, it should be plainly obvious that anything that hurts you during sex should be stopped unless it is pleasurable for you, and being called a whore is outrageous and for most people a deal breaker (Unless you actively engage and ask for such names)

You are in a very abusive relationship. Please end it now and seek some help before inviting anyone else into your life.

[Ithinkhedidit]

Ummm....I don't think he sounds very nice??! Slapping, name-calling, favouring a position that causes you pain...? None of this is normal. I think you should have a serious think about this relationship as a whole. I'd be extremely wary of a man who got off on hurting and degrading someone else. Quite honestly I'd run a mile! Take care of yourself op.

[CheetasOnFajitas]

Oh and I am not saying that it was wrong of you to have shared this info in the past and now you just have to live with the consequences. It was maybe unwise but it is what it is and I can see how you fell into. However you need to stop seeing this relationship as one to which your past has any further relevance, start a clean sheet by talking to him frankly about what you like/want now, with no explanations related to the past, and move on together from there. Good luck.

[Heartlantern2]

I don’t think it’s normal or not normal really. Some people will like it, some won’t.

Do you like heights? It’s the same sort of question, some people will say yes, some no, some will say heights make them uncomfortable.

If it makes you uncomfortable, which I think probably would in your particular situation I would say tell him to stop it and I would expect no other reaction than a ‘ok,” maybe with a apology too?

[Candyfloss99]

Why on earth are you initiating a position that causes you pain??? Sounds like you are self abusing.

[ermmm2021]

I can't count for what's normal or not but my husband has never called me these things during sex.
I wouldn't like it if he did.

[Twillow]

It's not something I would like, I have to say. I've been trying to read through the thread to see if anyone else said they love to be called a whore/slut - didn't see any I think. I suppose it's up to each couple to agree on what they will and won't tolerate in sex. I expect most couples take part in some behaviours that they don't particularly enjoy to give the other pleasure.

[randomer]

You sound unwell, I'm sorry to be so frank. This is not OK.

[sofiaaaaaa]

How weird that apparently he’s only slept with 1 other person and initially sex was vanilla. It’s when he rocks up with a victim of abuse/a mentally vulnerable person that he likes to experiment with more hardcore sex? It’s a bit creepy, it’s like he targeted you.

[Twillow]

@randomer

You sound unwell, I'm sorry to be so frank. This is not OK.

OP has already been very frank about her issues. This is not a helpful comment.

[BubblyBarbara]

If I had sex with someone and they just came out with slut/whore I would be mortified by this because I would be shocked that the person hasn’t discussed this with me beforehand!!

How would this even come up in a discussion beforehand? It’s a disgusting behaviour that only feels right to some people “in the moment”. That’s really going to be hard to have a frank discussion with over the breakfast table. It needs to stop imho

[Wheresmykimchi]

@televino

Name changed, please go easy on me.

I've been with my DH for a few years now, and we've had some sexual issues on and off but overall quite a healthy relationship. I have some MH problems and severe childhood trauma (which I'm seeking help for) and I'm currently avoiding any self-harming behaviour e.g. alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, cutting etc.

However, I'm still having sex despite it also being a previous self-harming behaviour for me as I know it's a key part of a relationship. (By previous self-harming behaviour I mean excessive casual sex, seeking out abusive men who will hurt me, not stating or expecting boundaries etc). Since getting rid of some of the non-sexual self harming methods, I'm now quite a lot more consciously aware during sex of what's actually happening and not fading off into dissociation.

Anyway, sorry I'll get to my point. My DH is lovely, but he calls me a lot of pornified names during sex e.g. "whore", "fucking little slut" etc. His favourite position is the one that unfortunately causes me pain (I think this is unrelated) so I think it may easily be that he's had too much porn and is taking it as normal.

All of this seems very standard for me and I've experienced it with most men I've slept with but I'm wondering how much of this is actually normal? It's an odd question to ask, but I'm asking because I don't have a natural response at all anymore of "you shouldn't be doing / saying / treating me like that" so I need to know if this is something that I'm accepting because it's genuinely OK, or accepting because I have damage & trauma.

Not asking for anyone to sort my life or feelings out, but I know there's a lot of wisdom and experience here that I would like to use as some kind of general consensus.

YABU: This is normal (or at least non-harmful)
YANBU: This is not normal (and you're potentially accepting something you shouldn't be accepting).

Thank you. x

Have my first ever LTB.
You will get people telling you that speaking like that during sex is a choice , some people are comfortable with it bla bla bla but it's just not acceptable and it's dangerous - especially with your history. As for the causing you pain...absolutely not.

Leave. And please be on your own, (man wise) and pleas get help for these issues.

[Wheresmykimchi]

@Candyfloss99

Why on earth are you initiating a position that causes you pain??? Sounds like you are self abusing.

Did you read the OP?

[Wheresmykimchi]

@BooBahBoo

There's nothing wrong with these things on the basis that both participants are enthusiastic and willing to do them. You aren't, which means it isn't okay.

You need to sit down and have a chat with him and outline, explicitly, what you are okay with, and aren't okay with. I don't think it's fair to immediately call him an abuser because if OP hasn't told him she doesn't like x, y and z and she goes along with it seemingly happily, how would he know?

Of course, if you have the discussion and he then tries stuff that you've said no to, or goes back to name-calling, etc, then it borders into abusive/sexual assault territory and you would need to leave him to protect yourself.

I have a bad experience in the past (I'm sure you can guess what it is), so I have had to be explicitly upfront with partners from that point on and everything had to be on my terms. Many years later I'd say I'm 90% 'healed', and the combination of that plus being with a long term partner who I trust, means I no longer get triggered. But it took time to get there. I had to be explicit with what was ok or I'd be back to square one, again.

I understand it's probably quite an uncomfortable situation to have that sort of discussion, but in my opinion, if you can't feel like you can have it, then he isn't the right man for you.

Sorry about your bad experience

However....

There is everything wrong with calling a woman a slut and a whore and hurting her during sex.

[whoamongstus]

Ahhhh, you definitely need some counselling. How you relate to sex - would rather not have sex, feel like talking about certain words to do with sex are 'gross', being confused about receiving pleasure (or even just the absence of pain) and what you feel obliged to do... It's all a very confused picture of someone who seems too scared to take anything good from sex and is just letting it be a form of self harm again.

I would take it off the table for now until you've seen a therapist with a good understanding of abuse and sex. If your partner is loving and kind and understanding, he'll get it: this is a decision that needs to be made for you, without his feelings being a factor, because you have historic issues with boundaries and letting others' wishes come before your own. Work out your own feelings about sex and pleasure and then work with your partner to reincorporate that to your sex life.

I also just want to very, very gently say, as someone who's been there in the past - two people with mental illness and addiction issues in a relationship with a blurred sense of co-dependence and being seen as a 'saviour' where one person can't set their own boundaries due to trauma is a very very difficult thing to navigate. Please put yourself first always. No questions asked. It's important you don't lose your sense of self as you try and heal from past trauma and it's very easy for people with trauma to cling to the first 'good' person they find (again, this is from personal experience) and then disregard any other issues because they fulfil the bare minimum.

[Pinksmyfavoritecolour]

Please only do the positions that you like and that don’t hurt you, be kinder to yourself.
Lots of people enjoy this kind of sex as part of a scenario play thing, and that’s fine if both adults enjoy this.
But you are allowed boundaries and to say what your happy to happen to your body. It sounds like you do what your partner wants even if it’s not what you want, and that’s detrimental to you yourself. Find your voice, find new boundaries for yourself, look after you, only in this way can you get stronger and happier. Take it from someone who’s been you in the past.

[GypsyLee]

This is a difficult one, as even though it's not nice to call someone these names, some love it, myself included.
However, no matter what your past is if it's something you don't like you should say so.

[Narniacalling]

Genuinely I think you need to stop having sex for a while.

[CaraDuneRedux]

Coming late to this, but YANBU. My first thought on reading your opening post was horror and LTB.

But having looked through all your posts, it seems as though both of you have historical issues, including self-harm for both of you, and a sense of both struggling to detach what you feel you ought to do in bed (in his case informed, unfortunately, by porn), and you specifically clearly struggle with boundaries (a common response to past abuse).

FWIW, I also find doggy position painful. In my case it's physiological - I have a retroverted uterus. So (because I'm okay with asserting boundaries) I just don't do it. I don't do anal either. It's okay to say no to things in bed.

Now, I may not be the best person to talk about this, because porn use is one of my hard boundaries - I personally feel it is impossible for the end user to work out which was made freely and consensually, which is coercive, which involves trafficked women, which involves revenge porn - so I choose not to watch it and choose not to be with anyone who uses it. But I understand that not everyone has this as a boundary. However, I think there would be a lot to be said for persuading your DH to go for the porn equivalent of dry January - a no-porn, no pornified language month in which you both detach from pornified expectations on you and both try to reconnect with the sort of sex you both feel comfortable with and want to have.

[televino]

Genuinely I think you need to stop having sex for a while.

I've done that, and I don't know if it helps. I've spoken to my GP and various counsellors about it previously and they advise not having sex when I don't want to, but that doesn't work as it doesn't address what the real issue is. Same with "you should stop cutting for a while" there's no real replacement for what to do instead that's equal to hurting myself.

Anyway, sorry I know this thread has been whingey. I just feel incredibly stuck, which I am and that makes recovery from anything hard.

Why on earth are you initiating a position that causes you pain??? Sounds like you are self abusing.

Yes.

You sound unwell, I'm sorry to be so frank. This is not OK.

That's true, but bar diagnosis of some MH issues, medication and counselling (all of which I have tried for years and years and has not really made me feel better) I'm just stuck being unwell it seems. I'm not giving up necessarily, but traditional methods don't seem to be working.

[televino]

I think there would be a lot to be said for persuading your DH to go for the porn equivalent of dry January - a no-porn, no pornified language month in which you both detach from pornified expectations on you and both try to reconnect with the sort of sex you both feel comfortable with and want to have.

We have had conversations about it and he's given up porn, for about a year now (bar one slip up). I don't think it's current porn addiction or anything along those lines, I think we have both been affected by watching it at young ages and it's residual damage.

[notanothertakeaway]

Words = ok if it's a bit of fun dirty talk that you like, otherwise not ok

Sexual position that you know causes pain to your partner = not ok

Feeling obliged to tolerate pain to keep your partner happy = not ok. Could be classified as self harm

[PurelyRidiculous]

This is not normal OP. If it's consensual then I have no business telling people what they should and shouldn't do during sex but it has to be what you both want and enjoy.

Over the years I've discovered there are a couple of positions that I don't really like or cause me discomfort. DH always asks and if I say 'actually that's hurting a bit' he will immediately stop and we'll try something else. He would be genuinely horrified to know I lay there in pain.

[Wheresmykimchi]

@televino

I think there would be a lot to be said for persuading your DH to go for the porn equivalent of dry January - a no-porn, no pornified language month in which you both detach from pornified expectations on you and both try to reconnect with the sort of sex you both feel comfortable with and want to have.

We have had conversations about it and he's given up porn, for about a year now (bar one slip up). I don't think it's current porn addiction or anything along those lines, I think we have both been affected by watching it at young ages and it's residual damage.

Please ignore the snide posts above OP - (not the one you're quoting but above that ).

You say about the porn but...

Does he make you feel loved ? Safe? Secure?