to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

[whoshouldpay]

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

@Redwinestillfine

The thing is it was a gift. It wasn't your money. If you're going to ask her. Ask for a loan and explain without emotion the situation. If you go into this thinking you are owed it you'll fail at the first hurdle. It wasn't great that your DH didn't back you up by asking his siblings to pay part of the costs. The worst thing is that he let you travel so far to a nursery. If there wasn't one nearer then he should have done half the traveling (or used a childminder etc). It's not your Mil's fault the nursery spaces nearby had gone- you have to get names down really early. It seems you're carrying a lot of resentment and I suspect it's directed at the wrong person. You needed your DH's support and didn't get it. That's where I would focus the rage.

Would the taking the money without asking not be an issue for you?

I wish I could give you the money myself.

Most women who marry a selfish arse and stay for the kids at least get to leave once the kids are grown up. But it sounds as if there will never be a good time to leave.

I agree with the PPs who said put the surgery on a credit card. Nobody in this setup is caring for you, so you have to do it yourself.

I can only work a few hours and never be financially self sufficient for a starter

But you paid back your mum and said it wasn’t a hardship?

This is an awful read. I'm so sorry OP. And you won't get anywhere near those savings MIL has, even when she passes. It'll be your husband's inheritance going into your husbands account. What's not used for funeral etc you still will never see.

I think the only option available to you now would be insisting your husband (I refuse to use the 'D' in DH here) gets a £5K loan from his mother, even if you tell him you'll pay it back. After that, pay fuck all and if approached by MIL or the other ILs, throw your MIL's answer back. It was 'Husband' who transferred you the money and that's sorted it for you".

@whoshouldpay

Are you happy with your DH otherwise?

not a happy marriage, not unhappy either and there are a lot of trappings and implications when you have a child that has complex needs and will need lifelong 24/7 care - I can only work a few hours and never be financially self sufficient for a starter. I am very pragmatic and I am far better off in my marriage than as a lone parent of a disabled child on UC if that makes sense.

I absolutely understand what you are saying here. My heart breaks for you, I too went through those baby / toddler years with an undiagnosed difficult child who just screamed. It can be sole destroying at times and it is easy to become trapped.

Also, when your not keeping well yourself everything can feel like it's getting in top of you, I've been left with problems after my second youngest which sees me on anti biotics every month and in dire pain. So it can feel like your in a total catch 22.

He had no right to take your money, but you don't need me to tell you that. I hope you get something sorted. Can't offer any real advice but here for a shoulder if you need it

Like others said, get rid of the husband. He has stolen from you and made your life worse.

In 15 years, knowing he has a disabled child and that you were the primary carer, he also did nothing to improve his work earnings to be able to afford more help and make your lives a bit easier. I reckon he's the type who does nothing at home or with his DC either.

One suggestion would be to find out how much the surgery is for you as well as extra care for your DS and post up a fundraising request on one of those sites.

He has failed you all.

I’d be divorcing your DH. This is a DH problem not just MIL.
What does your parents think?

Genuine question to you- if you gave your adult child money for something they were struggling with (I.e getting on the property ladder). And your child used it to pay for the partner’s mums medical issues - how would you feel?

Sorry for him they have to make that choice, but if I GIVE money, it's up to them really. It's not the same at all as using our gift for a deposit to go on holiday or buy a ridiculous car.

I hope I am raising my kids to have a strong family commitment, which works both ways. Sometimes you help, sometimes you get help.

Apologies! I clicked YABU by mistake! So sorry, clumsy fingers! You are definitely not being unreasonable.

So your DH, in fifteen years, has never paid you back for the money, gifted to you by your mum, that he took? It's him that owes you the money OP.

BTW, I completely understand your pragmatic decision to stay with him. Its all very well for strangers on MN to scream 'LTB' but sometimes life is complicated and there is a lot of balancing up of non-ideal options before making a decision.

@MintyMabel

I can only work a few hours and never be financially self sufficient for a starter

But you paid back your mum and said it wasn’t a hardship?

that took about 4 or 5 years and I didn't not pay interest. so about 1k a year. Being able to do that doesn't make me financially cushy - not in my book.

I have also since been made redundant and changed job where my earning have gone down a bit.

If I’m honest when your DH took the money I would have resorted it to the police as stolen.

I would have left DH too!

People that had no money decided to use your money? You should have said no!! And transferred it to another account straightaway. Your husband stole your money and your mum wanted you to repay it?!!! Not nice of your mother really. Get a separate bank account and move a little money into your account each month until you get your 5 000 back. Learn to say no, I dont want to do that.

Regardless of the morality, the husband didn’t “steal” anything, not in a legal sense as the money was in a joint account so any suggestions of going to the police are ridiculous. MIL also has/had no legal requirement to pay it back as the money was gifted, it was never a loan she agreed to re-pay.

I agree the problem here is with the husband. He should never have offered up the money from OP’s parents without agreement from the OP and it is he who should find the money for OP’s treatment.

I’d have left my OH if he did that, even though we have a child with a disability and being a single parent would be extra hard because of that. I couldn’t stay with someone who would see me suffer, especially after my own parents had offered money for a solution.

I couldn't put up with this even if I would be a bit financially worse off leaving him. You get extra money on UC with a disabled child and money towards childcare when working, so you'd probably be okay. He finds a way to pay you back or you get a divorce, he stole your money. I don't understand how you can just let him walk all over you. He is taking you for a complete mug OP.

I too would have left my DH at the time. Absolutely awful. He literally stole from you and his child.

I don’t know what you should do now, although I think you should still leave him. Do you own a property? You’d probably get some money in your settlement that can be used for the surgery if you don’t need all your equity for a new house?

If your DH wanted to buy a car, and one of your parent was in urgent need of medical treatment, wouldn't you use the money on your joint account too?

She wasn’t going to die and could have waited. In OPs position with an autistic toddler, I would have absolutely bought the car.

It was Mil's money given back to her before it was spent. Yes her DH should have consulted her properly but if my mil had given me money to buy something with them urgently needed surgery for the exact same amount, I would feel very awkward about refusing to give it to her. If the mil really wasn't aware then when op is asking for a loan for the surgery she now needs from mil she should without emotion explain the situation. Otherwise mil may think that her gift of 5k wasn't needed in the first place if not long afterwards her son and Dil paid for her surgery

@Redwinestillfine

The thing is it was a gift. It wasn't your money. If you're going to ask her. Ask for a loan and explain without emotion the situation. If you go into this thinking you are owed it you'll fail at the first hurdle. It wasn't great that your DH didn't back you up by asking his siblings to pay part of the costs. The worst thing is that he let you travel so far to a nursery. If there wasn't one nearer then he should have done half the traveling (or used a childminder etc). It's not your Mil's fault the nursery spaces nearby had gone- you have to get names down really early. It seems you're carrying a lot of resentment and I suspect it's directed at the wrong person. You needed your DH's support and didn't get it. That's where I would focus the rage.

What do you mean it wasn't her money? Of course it was. Her H essentially stole it.

Your husband took the money, his mother accepted it.

He is the villain.

He should be paying for your treatment.

Your MIL is not going to pay, I'm not sure how/why you know she has savings but she must by now be in advancing years and she's not going to give her savings to you.

your DH gifted away money your parents gave to you for a car? against your will? fuck that. what the hell did your parents have to say about it?

why are you still with this wanker and his ghastly family? they are not treating you well and it will not change.

Honestly I'd discuss this with my parents. I'd also message the whole lot of DH family that the money from DH was a loan from your parents specifically for the car and they want it back. screw them.

@Redwinestillfine

It was Mil's money given back to her before it was spent. Yes her DH should have consulted her properly but if my mil had given me money to buy something with them urgently needed surgery for the exact same amount, I would feel very awkward about refusing to give it to her. If the mil really wasn't aware then when op is asking for a loan for the surgery she now needs from mil she should without emotion explain the situation. Otherwise mil may think that her gift of 5k wasn't needed in the first place if not long afterwards her son and Dil paid for her surgery

It was HER parents who gave the money, not her MIL.

@Redwinestillfine Have you even read the OP? It went the MIL's money.

*wasn't

@Redwinestillfine 🤦‍♀️