to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

[whoshouldpay]

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

have only read page one, this is one of the most awful things I have ever read on mn.

Sell his car. Bastard.

@bringmelaughter and @imalmosthere.
Yes, I realised and and have apologised to the OP (see my post above yours).

I have given my daughters money for specific help. If their partners had helped themselves to it I would be absolutely furious.

I'm absolutely gobsmacked that your partner did this. I would seriously have had doubts about having any future together, in your position. And that he allowed you to pay your parents back? That's astonishing.

I am so sorry you were so badly failed by these awful people. No advice here either but . How dare they.

Your DH is a thieving cunt. He needs to find that money for you. I bet he has secret savings, OP.

I couldn't have stayed with a man who did that to me.

Ive said YABU with your MIL because the issue is with your ‘D’H who thought it was ok to give the money your DM had given you to his DM. I’d have gone ballistic at him for this.

I think the only option available to you now would be insisting your husband (I refuse to use the 'D' in DH here) gets a £5K loan from his mother, even if you tell him you'll pay it back. After that, pay fuck all and if approached by MIL or the other ILs, throw your MIL's answer back. It was 'Husband' who transferred you the money and that's sorted it for you".

^^ this

[quote OwlBeThere]@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows but OP isn’t a passive bystander in her own life. There are many things she could have done to prevent this.
Said no to start with.
Moved nurseries at some point in 3 years.
Bought a cheaper run around at some point in 3 years.
Left her idiot husband.
Not paid back money she didn’t spend.

I full agree her husband acted abominably, but she didn’t help herself,[/quote]
She was not given the chance to say no. Her husband stole her money

Wtf your DH at the very least owes you 5k!! Tbh I’d be classing that as stolen but that’s not what you asked.

You need to tell him you’d like it back now as it’s needed. As he gave it to MIL and she has savings then that is where he should be going first to recover it.

Are some people missing that the original money was 14 years ago? OP (for whatever reason) decided to move past it. Bringing it up again in other than a "you know we paid for your medical treatment in the past; could you pay for mine now" sort of way is immaterial.

I would, however, be encouraging DH to ask MIL for the money. If he thinks helping family out is important, it goes both ways.

Your husband is a cunt. I don't really have anything useful to add, just that if my partner had done that, he'd have been out on his ear years ago.

Stop paying any household expenses till you get your £10k back.

Then pay household expenses in proportion to your earnings. Doesn’t sound like you earn same as him to pay 50/50.

I’d check though that you can actually get this done privately too. Many private surgeries are also unavailable due to Covid.

Leave DH

You've paid your mum back so borrow from them again to get your surgery

@whoshouldpay

What are your marital finances like now?

no joint accounts. We earn and pay everything 50/50. I work 16h as I cannot increase my hours due to caring responsibilities for DS but my work is stable and the hourly rate is roughly twice of what DH earns. So neither of us is on a good wage but combined and with DLA for DS it so more than enough.

just did clarity, Mils surgery was not life saving but it was more in line with what moondust described above.

If your earring potential is twice that of your DH why cant you increasing you hours and he take more caring responsibilities? Why do you seem to be always making the sacrifices?

Why can't your parents lend you the money? As they (in theory) have £5

(I don't know why on earth they accepted repayments from you knowing it would leave you careless, surely you saving to get the car would have been the logical thing to do? )

(Separately your husband is a bastard but you clearly aren't going to leave him)

Oh god, please leave him! He's shown you exactly how unimportant you are to him, he didn't think twice about paying 5k for his mum's surgery and expected you to be ok with it, but now he didn't thinking twice about letting you live in pain and would never expect his mum to be financially impacted. Massive double standard! If he had anything about him he would have asked if he could have some of the money and then made getting you a car an urgent priority...he didn't, he just expected you to crack on.

With UC, maintenance payments and the fact that your husband will have some contact your life will be easier!

Gosh you've been let down by people who should care for you.

Do the B & S in law know where the money came from?

I'm wondering if they ' paid your husband back' for their share, and he pocketed it.

I'd also message the whole lot of DH family that the money from DH was a loan from your parents specifically for the car and they want it back. screw them.

Messaging the family is one option. As it is, your husband has kept a lid on this. I would message them all laying out what happened and saying you now need this surgery so you are asking for that to be paid for from MIL's assets, and that it can be taken in equal shares off everyone's inheritance, which then cancels out your payment on the siblings' behalf for MIL's operation all those years ago.

Your husband is an absolutely dispicable person. I'd have divorced him 15 years ago.

You can't sort the past but you can change the future.

Apologies op. I did indeed misread. If it was your mum that gave you the money, not mil then of course it should not have gone to pay for her operation without your consent (and also not without a plan for repayment either from mil or from your DH and his siblings). It's still not up to mil to pay for your surgery, and I probably wouldn't ask, but your DH certainly should be doing everything in his power to pay for it and pay you back.

If you're not going to leave (and you're really better off financially in your marriage) then start siphoning off money from your marriage so you are then compensated for the £10k

forgot to say especially in light of it costing you £10K for no car. you've paid for MIL surgery and repaid your parents for her. Your MIL owes your parents £5K. Tell your parents, they will want to help you.

DH still has to contribute for DS even if you're not together, you wouldn't be raising DS just on your income.

I've a friend with 4 kids one with severe autism so she had no career after kids, just did a few hours work a week for years. Her DH had a well paid job but kept her and the DC quite poor on handouts so she lived on a shoestring. They divorced last year and her life has improved dramatically despite her fear about money initially. It can be done.

As outrageous at the act was, to demand repayment 15 years later is too late in my book.