to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

[whoshouldpay]

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

This is one of the clearest cases of criminal coercive control and financial (and emotional) abuse of a wife I have ever seen on here.

And that's saying something.

OP I have been in a situation with a disabled child and a financially abusive partner. I have pm'd you

OP, it is appalling and outrageous.

Your DH and his siblings did this: DH stole from you. Your MIL may not have known. Your DH needs to repay you the £10k this has cost you, and you can choose to spend it how you like. Please don’t let this go.

[quote AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]@Moondust001

You are another one who clearly cant read:

so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place

she did not agree with the transfer but he did it anyway. Thats disgusting behaviour. Absolutely disgusting and I pity you if you'd think thats normal behaviour from someone who suppsoedly loves you[/quote]
genuine question

If your DH wanted to buy a car, and one of your parent was in urgent need of medical treatment, wouldn't you use the money on your joint account too?

I would really resent my DH if he was putting his own car about my parent urgent medical need.

What I do find disgusting in the story is the lack of concern and support the OP is getting now that she is the one needing help. That I can't get round.

If you're still in that joint account, OP; Start squirreling away unnoticeable amounts. Do the weekly shopping and get £30 cashback for example. Then hopefully over the course of the next 15 years, Your'll have amounted the £5k DH stole. Maybe more. And then spend it on a SHL and LTB

Sorry but I would have left him years ago, what he did was unforgivable giving your parents money to his mother and allowing you and his child to continue to suffer

Can you get a loan now and tell him he’s paying the payments?

It's the police you need to speak to. Your husband stole £5000 from you, and his mother "received stolen goods" when she accepted it from him.

He took £5k from his joint account and gave it to his mum. The police will have absolutely no interest in this.

Op what your dh did was unforgivable, your MIL should have paid you the money back once she discovered how dh obtained it.

If you're planning to stay with your husband you'll probably need to try and move on though.

If your mum is still around could you get her to speak to your MIL and say she had given you money for a car and she was so confused why you didn’t get one and now knows it was spent on your MIL surgery and say she’s so proud of you for your selfless act when you yourself was in such a bad way. Then have her say it’s now your hour of need and could she pay it forward?

Op is there any opportunity for you to take the money back from your DH? Does he have any savings? Is there anything of his you could sell? I don't know the legal implications of this though.

What are your marital finances like now?

no joint accounts. We earn and pay everything 50/50. I work 16h as I cannot increase my hours due to caring responsibilities for DS but my work is stable and the hourly rate is roughly twice of what DH earns. So neither of us is on a good wage but combined and with DLA for DS it so more than enough.

just did clarity, Mils surgery was not life saving but it was more in line with what moondust described above.

If your DH wanted to buy a car, and one of your parent was in urgent need of medical treatment, wouldn't you use the money on your joint account too

No I wouldnt. That money was a gift from HER parents and a joint account is meant to be made via joint decisions- otherwise whats the point?

I would get out a credit card and to pay for my parent's treatment and pay it back that way. I would not take out money that wasnt technically mine when my partner had said no. Even if i HAD done that, I would have saved up to pay the money back and not treated my wife like something on the bottom of my shoe.

If I was the MIL in this scenario, I would also have made an effort to pay the money back and I would certainly help now since apparently she has savings.

I think you need to leave DH.

Why are you still with this man?

If your DH wanted to buy a car, and one of your parent was in urgent need of medical treatment, wouldn't you use the money on your joint account too?

But it wasn’t family money to decide what she wanted to do with. It was a gift from OPs parents specifically to OP to buy a car with. A gift with conditions is no longer a gift if those conditions aren’t met. Hence why when OP didn’t use the money to buy a car it was intended for, she morally had to pay the money back to her parents.

Genuine question to you- if you gave your adult child money for something they were struggling with (I.e getting on the property ladder). And your child used it to pay for the partner’s mums medical issues - how would you feel?

Hence why when OP didn’t use the money to buy a car it was intended for, she morally had to pay the money back to her parents

Exactly- so OP is out 10k not 5k.

Yet apparently, noone cares enough to help her with that. I am stunned people are defending this in any manner

I dont like the word 'demand'. It tends to be used by unreasonable people.

Taking money from a joint account is not stealing. And what happened to the usual MN chorus of "all money is family money?".

MIL was given some money for urgent medical treatment many years ago. That does not obligate he to pay for OP's medical treatment now, although I would hope that she (perhaps with DH persuading her) should consider doing so, as a similarly generous gesture.

@TheNorthWind

Hang on, have I understood this correctly?Can I clarify?

Your DH and his siblings decided between them that MIL's surgery needed to be paid for privately. But none of them had any money, so your DH took yours. So you paid £5000 And nobody else paid anything?

You then felt appalling about it, so paid your parents back? So your Mum's operation/not getting a car cost you £10,000?

Meanwhile, you struggled on with looking after your toddler. All the inconvenience and slog fell to you. Did it put your DH out at all? I notice you say you didn't have a car. Did he have one?

I'm not surprised you can't get over this and it still upsets you. It's disgusting.

This.

Tell your h that your dm needs money for something urgent, and as you helped his dm in the past it’s only fair you do the same for her.

See what his reaction is? That will tell you all you need to know.

Would he be prepared to sell his car to fund the treatment? If not, why not?

What the fuck am I reading?! Your husband gave your mums money to his mum against yours and your mums will. That was meant to help you and your son. Which you then had to pay your mum back. And now wont even ASK his mum to help you in the same way because he'd rather you continue to suffer just like he'd rather you continued suffering before.

I dont believe for a second you're better off with him. You'd be entitled to money in the divorce, he'd have to pay maintenance, he'd have to have your son on his own some of the time. What on earth is he offering you because it doesn't sound he gives a shit about you.

The thing is it was a gift. It wasn't your money. If you're going to ask her. Ask for a loan and explain without emotion the situation. If you go into this thinking you are owed it you'll fail at the first hurdle. It wasn't great that your DH didn't back you up by asking his siblings to pay part of the costs. The worst thing is that he let you travel so far to a nursery. If there wasn't one nearer then he should have done half the traveling (or used a childminder etc). It's not your Mil's fault the nursery spaces nearby had gone- you have to get names down really early. It seems you're carrying a lot of resentment and I suspect it's directed at the wrong person. You needed your DH's support and didn't get it. That's where I would focus the rage.

@whoshouldpay

So your Mum's operation/not getting a car cost you £10,000?

gosh, I never looked at it that way but yes, my non car came with a 10k price tag.

Why are you with him?

Seriously. What he did was unforgiveable.

Would it be easier to write a letter to MIL if you are not that close? Just keeping it entirely factual as to what happened, no slating anyone, just setting all out. Of course, this would only be effective if she is a decent person who cares about her grandchild.

I do think that what your DH did was unforgivable. Looking after a child with severe autism must be extremely challenging. He let you both down really badly - even had the money been his to dispose of, I would see it as a betrayal. But to take money given to you, by your parents for a specific purpose to help you and your autistic child is morally a kind of theft. It is a despicable breach of loyalty.

@Redwinestillfine

The thing is it was a gift. It wasn't your money. If you're going to ask her. Ask for a loan and explain without emotion the situation. If you go into this thinking you are owed it you'll fail at the first hurdle. It wasn't great that your DH didn't back you up by asking his siblings to pay part of the costs. The worst thing is that he let you travel so far to a nursery. If there wasn't one nearer then he should have done half the traveling (or used a childminder etc). It's not your Mil's fault the nursery spaces nearby had gone- you have to get names down really early. It seems you're carrying a lot of resentment and I suspect it's directed at the wrong person. You needed your DH's support and didn't get it. That's where I would focus the rage.

What do you mean 'it wasn't your money'?

Whose was it then?

I can’t get my head around what I’ve just read. I have no words other than your husband is complete and utter cunt. That’s the first time I’ve used that word on here but it’s deserved. He really is a selfish cunt.