to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

[whoshouldpay]

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

Did your husband have a car at the time? How the fuck was it not him on the bus. And that is the first of a very long list of questions.

I think you need to send a letter to all 4 of them involved detailing exactly what happened and that they have a moral obligation to help. I expect OP it will get you nowhere but they deserve to feel ashamed.

Your husband is an absolute bastard of the highest order.

The way I see it, its your husband and his siblings who need to pay you back the money. Divide the 5,000 by 3 and tell them you expect them to pay you back their share as it was you who funded their mother's surgery. Even if the money was a vift to MIL it was a gift from her children, not from you.

This is the way I see it as well which is why I voted YABU. However, YANBU to expect that money back but just not from your MIL.

I would have also reported my DH for theft and divorced him. Considering the way he treated you then, and is treating you now, I’d also give a lot of consideration into whether you still want to be with him. What do you get from your relationship?

Winterwoollies has got the measure of things.

Also, what was the op she desperately needed that was such an emergency?

If you are uk the nhs would have provided this.

Your husband owes you 10k.

I'd ask him one more time for the money (he can get a loan in his own name if necessary) and if no joy then I'd approach MIL.

Hi MIL,

All those years ago I was gifted 5k by my parents for a car. As it turned out, H took that from me without my consent to pay towards your operation. I then spent two years suffering alone taking DS to school as H didn't help or repay me. My mum was upset so I relayed her the money. Your operation cost me 10k. I am now asking you for a loan of the money to H (he is refusing to ask you himself). I am asking you to specify that this is for my operation that I need as I am in constant, chronic pain and I know you know how debilitating that is. I really do appreciate your input and help. Thanks

YANBU
MIL DH and the rest of the family are takers! I’d be absolutely furious. A gift?!?! WTF!!!!!!!

I'm gobsmacked how a family could act like that you're dh for taking the money without discussion with you or consent and his dm accepting it using it and finding out where it came from made no attempt to repay you she is as much guilty as the dh in my view no decent person would do this. What is you're dh like in otherways op. You sounding you feel trapped in the situation.

Well isn’t DH a peach? How about he takes a loan out in his name to pay for your treatment and he pays it back himself slowly via detect debit? You and I know that your MIL won’t be parting with any of her savings to help you.

I thought at first that it was MIL who had given you the money for the car, and then needed it back for the surgery, and I was going to say YABVU.

Then I realised it was your DM who gave you the money YAdefinitelyNBU on that basis

This is on your husband and not your mother in law, your hatred and anger are misplaced.

Tell your MIL what happened and how it has affected her grandson. 100% guarantee she will be disgusted in her DS and you'll get your surgery. At the end of the day, what your DH did affected her grandchild and a grandparents love for a grandchild is untouchable.

Read. The. Thread.

I voted YABU.

14 years ago or so, this woman was given a gift of £5,000 by her son to pay for surgery. The money came from an account which he jointly owned so he accessed it legally.

She owes you nothing.

Now, your DH on the other hand behaved appallingly and I can’t believe you stayed with him after such a betrayal.

Your husband is a fucking bastard.

Pay for your surgery with a credit card and let him pay it back.

I'm furious on your behalf but also so sad for you.

What are your marital finances like now? Does your husband earn a good salary, does he have savings? Does he run a business? Is the money jointly accessible? Work out where this money can come from and then tell him it is needed and exactly what you expect to happen. He's behaved shockingly.

I don’t understand why you paid your parents the money back - surely they would have preferred you to save up and buy the car they gave you the money for in the first place?

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

It was a gift from your husband to her, not a loan. It isn't her fault he did this

It was theft. At least call it by its proper name. Gift, my arse. It was stolen from the OP when she was at a very vulnerable point in her life. They also lied about it being an emergency as if it was truly an emergency the NHS would have prioritised it.

Rubbish. Whatever the moral wrongs of her husband, he very legally had an equal claim to money in a joint account. That is not theft. And there are lots of urgent surgeries that the NHS cannot or does not prioritise. Many "non-urgent" conditions cause ongoing deterioration that will not ever be regained even after surgery, but that doesn't mean that the NHS prioritises them. I had a serious ankle condition that, if left untreated, would have caused deterioration to the point that I would have been unable to walk at all, and damage would be permanent. The waiting list for NHS surgery was 18 months. I went private. The surgery was done within three weeks. What you might think is urgent and what the NHS can prioritise are vast from being the same thing.

Yabu to regularly cry over it for 15 years without doing anything about it

Yanbu to want to be helped now! Your DH should pay

I hardly ever say this, but LTB. What an awful, morally-vacant man!

I’d also like to point out that on the voting, the ONLY reason you are getting some YABUs is because people agree that it’s on your husband, not your MIL. I don’t believe anyone thinks what happened was right, just disagreement as to the person most to blame.

@Moondust001

You are another one who clearly cant read:

so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place

she did not agree with the transfer but he did it anyway. Thats disgusting behaviour. Absolutely disgusting and I pity you if you'd think thats normal behaviour from someone who suppsoedly loves you

@OhCaptain

Your husband is a fucking bastard.

Pay for your surgery with a credit card and let him pay it back.

I'm furious on your behalf but also so sad for you.

Actually, yes, credit card or any other means of payment you can access. Go the route of 'it's easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission'. That was what your husband did, and it's worked for him.

14 years ago or so, this woman was given a gift of £5,000 by her son to pay for surgery. The money came from an account which he jointly owned so he accessed it legally.

She owes you nothing.

Legally, it's likely, but morally?
What kind of low-life would refuse to help out as much as they can to medically help a family member who is suffering, ESPECIALLY when you have received similar help yourself!

We are not talking about an extravagant holiday, the OP is in pain. Something is not right there.

I don't understand why you let DH take your money in the first place. I'd have left then rather than put up with that.

He still doesn't seem to give a stuff about you so I'd leave now. Why do you stay? If he wants your marriage to work, he sorts it out somehow.

I totally agree with most other responses that your NOT 'D' H behaved disgustingly by stealing your money. He owes you that - with interest as well I'd say - and the fact that presumably in all the intervening years he's never once made any attempt to repay you is even more unforgivable.

However, regardless of that, you're in a situation now where you're in poor health and need medical treatment that could be god knows how long on the NHS. Having repaid your parents, so they, at least, weren't out of pocket, would they now be in a position to re-gift you a similar sum so you can get the help you need? They originally wanted to alleviate the stress of all those journeys on you and your son - would they also be concerned now about the effects of your ongoing, untreated condition and be willing to step in?

Having said that, I want to emphasise that any help your parents might be able to offer does not, in the slightest, absolve your pig of an H from his moral responsibilities. He owes you £5k (plus interest) at the very least. And the fact he stood there watching you repay your parents because you felt it was the right thing to do (and I totally understand that, it wasn't on them to pay for MIL) makes the situation even worse. HE should have been paying them back, not you.

And of course, it's not 'just' about pounds and pence is it? It's about the utter contempt he's shown towards your parents, and of course towards you. Putting you very firmly in your place at the bottom of the pecking order by the sounds of it. And while MIL, SIL, BIL may not have directly stolen your money - that's on H - I'm gobsmacked that they knew its source but also haven't made any noises about repayment. MIL particularly since she benefitted first hand. They might have kidded themselves it was nothing to do with them but morally, I don't think it's as black and white as that. It's pretty clear where your H gets his sense of entitlement and lack of morality from.

This is something I could never forgive because it's unforgivable. The original crime and the complete failure to acknowledge or make reparations since. Can you really not see any way forward away from him? Financially, if your son has a level of disability that'll require indefinite support and can never live independently, I believe your H wouldn't be able to wash his hands of him regardless of him reaching adulthood. It certainly wouldn't do any harm to seek legal advice on the matter. Remaining in the marriage knowing that basically your H doesn't give a shit will break you mentally if it hasn't done already.

Is it thefz´t to take money from your own joint account?

That doesn't mean that I don't think that Op's husband is a complete heartless/selfish bastard though.

If you left him & took a job with more hours-what would he do in regards to looking after his son when he needs to?

Entirely wrong of your 'D'H.

Have you any idea how much your operation would cost privately?

Could you afford to have an appointment to find out?