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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

639 replies

whoshouldpay · 16/01/2021 10:45

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 16/01/2021 17:57

@whoshouldpay

So your Mum's operation/not getting a car cost you £10,000?

gosh, I never looked at it that way but yes, my non car came with a 10k price tag.

Just UNREAL.

Did your selfish MIL know it was your money, and not your husband’s??
Mil has a nerve..as does your DH!

Onadifferentuniverse · 16/01/2021 17:57

I’m sorry what?

Your mum gave you 5k so you could buy a car and make your life easier?
And your dh took this without your permission and gave it to his mother

Yet you paid your mum back?

And he has the audacity to say you’re being unreasonable here?

Op he hasn’t got any respect for you at all.

Onadifferentuniverse · 16/01/2021 17:58

I’ll read the full thread now...

Snaketime · 16/01/2021 17:58

I would tell my husband that it was a loan to the MIL as it was your money not his to do with what he wants, that what he did was effectively theft and either him and you MIL pay it back or you will be taking matters further and mean it.

Lndnmummy · 16/01/2021 18:00

It is theft. He stole from you. Even if it was a joint account. What he and his family did was a crime. He is still emotionally and financially abusing you. That is also a crime. You are the victim of a crime and have been for a long time. You also care for a disabled child. This classes you as a vulnerable adult. It is way and beyond you being unreasonable. You are a vulnerable victim of financial abuse and emotional control. You and your son need help.

HerMammy · 16/01/2021 18:01

I cannot understand why you paid your parents back and they accepted it!
That’s very odd too, they should have told DH to pay it back.

Lndnmummy · 16/01/2021 18:02

It is not about anyone being unreasonable. It is about a victim and an abuser. Please OP get in contact with womens aid.

Yohoheaveho · 16/01/2021 18:02

it's all very 'what's yours is mine and what's mine's my own'
and OP appears to be mia.....

HighSpecWhistle · 16/01/2021 18:05

YANBU in principle. But you need to realise that you play an active role in all this. Why are you still with your husband? Someone who despite seeing his wife and baby suffer immensely, willingly took their money without permission to spend on their mum? And it wasn't even really your money. It was your parents who gave it to you on the basis you buy a car.

You should have demanded the money back from your husband or MIL years ago. You sound very passive.

Unfortunately a lot of time has now passed and while I think she should return the favour, she's not obliged to and you may need to accept this for what it is. A clear sign of disrespect for you.

Minnie16889 · 16/01/2021 18:05

Its not very often im speechless and dont know what to say.

If i were you, he would be an ex husband.
What an absolute wanker

MusterMark · 16/01/2021 18:09

@Worst

1) If her husband had don’t nothing then OP would have had a £5k asset (the car) and no debt.

I.e. DM -5, OP 5 (in the form of a car).

DM forgiving the debt doesn't change this position. She is still 5K down to the benefit of OP.

2) If they had both agreed to gift the money to MIL after talking it through with OPs DM, then OP would have had no asset, and no debt.

DM -5, OP/DH 0, MIL 5.

3) But because of the way it was done, OP was obliged to pay back her parents, leaving no asset and £5k debt.
The difference between position 1 (a £5k asset, and position 2 (a £5k debt) is £10k.

No, the total of all assets is 0 in both cases. You have plucked 5K out of thin air. Your mistake is not recognising that DM is still at -5K whether or not she forgives the debt.

LouiseTrees · 16/01/2021 18:10

@whoshouldpay

How could you parents ever forgive your DH for this?

they have not and don't really have contact. it left a lasting damage.

Have you read my suggestion?
Jux · 16/01/2021 18:11

I think we can be pretty certain that MIL has no responsibility for this. DH took the money and gave it to her despite OP's refusal but I don't see how MIL is responsible for that? And if she had no idea at all that the money wasn't DH's, and he made it clear to her that he was being a lovely kind generous son and the 5K was a gift, then she can't really be expected to see it as anything but a kind and free gesture.

How much did BIL/SIL pay towards MIL's treatment btw? Did your 5K mean that they didn't have to contribute at all, or significantly less? That wouldn't be their fault either, unless H told them it was your money and you'd not agreed to it but they said "yeah, use it anyway then we don't have to pay more than 1K..." (or whatever sum). Did they and your H see this as a way of not having to pay at all, whilst still being able to garner the kudos for having paid for MIL's op?

They are all horrible anyway - unless SIL/BIL suddenly decide to pay you back in full right now because they've only just found out the truth. As MIL didn't seem inclined to do so, it seems doubtful they will either.

One day, they'll have taken so much from you that you'll dump them all. Sooner the better frankly.

Worst · 16/01/2021 18:19

@MusterMark No. Your mistake is in counting the assets across 3 people. No-one is claiming that money has appeared or disappeared. Of course the sum of all assets is zero. But the only assets we are concerned with is OPs. She is down £10k on the position she would otherwise have been.

strangerontheinternet · 16/01/2021 18:20

Get your own account ASAP and also start withdrawing cash from your joint acc (£10/20 here and there - say for shopping, bus fares but don't spend it) and get it stashed with a friend or in a hold-all somewhere DO NOT tell DH or anyone and leave him.

burnoutbabe · 16/01/2021 18:24

she is only down 5k. she had 5k from her parents and repaid that. so nil owed there.

she had 5k of cash and had it taken away. so 5k owed there.

(clearly the top 5k wasn't a gift as she repaid it, and they accepted it, she could have used the 5k saved up over next 2-3 years to buy a car instead and I can't see why that didn't happen or why the OP chose to give her parents back the cash or why they accepted it unless it was always to be a loan)

june2007 · 16/01/2021 18:25

stranger. The joint account was 15 years ago. She now has her own account. Not sure if still has joint but yes she should then take £5k as that is what he took out of the joint. She doesn,t want to leave him she says she has a good relationship and he is a good dad.

SunshineCake · 16/01/2021 18:26

While you shouldn't have to, my suggestion would be to spell out very clearly all the extra stuff he will have to do without you getting this operation, as you won't be able to do as much.

jelly79 · 16/01/2021 18:26

You DH was absolutely out of order and he and his family should of paid you back.

But 15 years have passed. I think your opportunity for payback has too.

You should of dealt with this or let it go by now

Hope you get your surgery though

CantGetDecentNickname · 16/01/2021 18:27

It is easy to say LTB and sometimes too difficult to do. You can live separately in the same house as an alternative www.gov.uk/legal-separation

You don't have to feel obliged to take care of him should he ever be ill or anything now. Sorry you've been through this OP Flowers

Worst · 16/01/2021 18:28

(How can people not understand that OP is £10k worse off? It's really not that hard! Her MIL has £5k of it, and her DM has the other £5k of it.
Anyway, it's really not the point of the thread, so I'll leave it there.)

burnoutbabe · 16/01/2021 18:32

but the OP chose to give £5k to her mother. so it must have been a loan in the first place from the mother.

if it was a gift, there would be no reason to repay it (and mum wouldn't have accepted it)

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 16/01/2021 18:36

but the OP chose to give £5k to her mother. so it must have been a loan in the first place from the mother

Did you read the OP? her husband took it out after she said NO. The money was a gift from her parents to be spent on a car. She had PPD at the time and wasnt with it. Her husband took the money out of their account against her will.

Worst · 16/01/2021 18:38

@burnoutbabe it was a gift given for a specific purpose. If you are given a gift of money for a specific purpose, but can't fulfil that purpose, morally you repay it. The actions of the husband essentially turned what would have been a gift into a dept for the OP.

burnoutbabe · 16/01/2021 18:49

And when she paid her parents back, why then did they not give her the money back to buy the car then?

The parents actions make no sense, either by accepting the repayments or just gifting the money again.

It's all very odd.