to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

[whoshouldpay]

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

Oh my giddy aunt. I have no words. I'd I was your mum I would never forgive your husband and I'd I was you I'd never forgive him or his family.

I guess you have had to let things go to a certain degree, if you don't really want to leave him, but bloody hell. You are a better person than me - or a fool, or desperate.

The main issue is that this was 15 years ago now. No doubt, they were in the wrong but why on earth have you left it so long?

The whole family is awful. Your mil and husband have already told you what they think of you. Do your parents have the means to pay for your surgery?

• concerned = consented

The OP has already stated that she's not going to leave her husband and explained why. I also have an autistic child who won't be leaving home, and I understand her reasoning perfectly. It's easy to give advice when you ignore the parameters within which to give it, but it isn't helpful.

You DJ needs to give you that money back now

@GodOfPhwoar

The main issue is that this was 15 years ago now. No doubt, they were in the wrong but why on earth have you left it so long?

Because she needs surgery now.

Im utterly appalled op. They have all behaved appallingly. Im amazed you didnt leave at the time.

I understand that, but it appears that the OP didn't have intention of asking. (Obv I appreciate that she may not want to have appeared 'callous' when her MIL was ill, but the other siblings could easily have paid it back by now, many times over.

Reclaiming a debt 15 years later is never likely to go well.

Your problem is with your husband.

Not your MIL, SIL or BIL. Sure, they all accepted the money but it was your husband who betrayed you, who stole from you.

I don’t think you can demand the money from your MIL, unless it was given as a loan.

I can understand why he thought you might offer the money voluntarily at the time. In my marriage saving are jointly owned and if I received a windfall I would consider if “ours” not “mine”.

That said, he shouldn’t have given it without your permission. That was very wrong of him.

Also, you can feel resentment after 15 years but you cannot seek retribution after such a long time. That would be unreasonable. A lot of time has passed and you should have dealt with this with your husband by now.

It is 5K that is owed by the husband. For clarity assume everything was a loan not a gift or theft and ignore interest.

DM loans 5K to OP. Situation: DM -5K, OP 5K.

DH borrows the money. Situation: DM -5, OP 0, DH 5.

OP repays DM's loan over time. Situation: DM 0, OP -5, DH 5.

If DH repays the 5K everything will be back where it started. You can't count the 5K twice.

Christ, this is awful, OP. And to be clear, it’s not about her paying for your treatment. She needs to repay you the money. So you can pay for your own treatment.

HRTFT as can’t get past @Lenin1870 YABVVVVU........care to explain yourself Lenin!

I initially thought YABU because I misread and thought your MIL gave you the £5k for a car and then needed it back for her medical surgery. I guess because I could not process what actually happened.

How dare your DH take money given by your DM to you for a car and give it to his mother! That wasn’t his money to give. So YANBU

In fact, I would not demand that MIL pay for your surgery, because she never asked for it to be done privately. It wasn’t her fault. It was your DH and his brother and sister who made the decision and your DH who took the money.
I would tell your DH that the £5k was a gift from your mum to you that he took despite your objections, and so therefore was a loan that he, his sister and brother must pay back you.

!% years is a very long time. If it wasn't a gift and you didn't agree with your dh taking your money, I don't understand why you left it and hasn't done anything to get it back last 15 years.

The thing is, whether you view the £5K as OP's money alone or as family money, either way her husband should now be getting £5K out to pay for her surgery. Because either it was her money and she's owed it back, or it's family money which is fair to use to help a family member at the time they need it, in which case the OP now needs it for her surgery so it comes back to her, the same way it was given to MIL when she needed it for her surgery. Either way that is the logical outcome and if the husband doesn't agree then his callousness and hypocrisy are breathtaking.

Your DH is financially abusing you OP. Why are you letting him get away with this. Why are your parents letting him get away with this. What are you going to do about this? Are you going to let him get away with taking you & your parents for Mugs?
I am sorry you are upset and l hope you feel strong enough to make him behave properly toward you.

I feel angry on your behalf. How awful of your DH to do this to you. Tbh I wouldn’t be able to get past it either and I think you should plan your divorce.

I am absolutely astounded to be honest.

Firstly I don’t think it was unreasonable to use the money to help MIL in theory but it was completely unreasonable and actually disgusting for your DH to transfer it against your wishes. It was not his money. Had you agreed to sacrifice your car temporarily to help, that’s one thing but you were not given the option.
The fact he said it was a gift not a loan. A gift of YOUR money. Outrageous. I’m dumbfounded by this.

You do sound very pragmatic about your position and it makes sense to me that you do not want to leave him.

Would I now be kicking up a stink over that 5k. Yes I fucking would be. I would be demanding that money back. And if it wasn’t forthcoming from MIL, BIL/SIL then they would be OUT of my life going forward. No dramatics, no discussion. Gone. No contact.

OP you sound like a really lovely person and a fabulous mum. I hope you manage to get your health situation sorted

It wasn't his money to offer as a gift. The 3 siblings need to come together and pay you back bloody chancers.

@MusterMark

It is 5K that is owed by the husband. For clarity assume everything was a loan not a gift or theft and ignore interest.

DM loans 5K to OP. Situation: DM -5K, OP 5K.

DH borrows the money. Situation: DM -5, OP 0, DH 5.

OP repays DM's loan over time. Situation: DM 0, OP -5, DH 5.

If DH repays the 5K everything will be back where it started. You can't count the 5K twice.

It’s not “counting the £5k twice”.

1. If her husband had don’t nothing then OP would have had a £5k asset (the car) and no debt.

2. If they had both agreed to gift the money to MIL after talking it through with OPs DM, then OP would have had no asset, and no debt.

3. But because of the way it was done, OP was obliged to pay back her parents, leaving no asset and £5k debt.

The difference between position 1 (a £5k asset, and position 2 (a £5k debt) is £10k.

The issue is your husband. This is not MILs responsibility!

Appalling that your MIL was effectively given YOUR money!

Why hasn’t she paid it back?

It was not hers in the first place.

Very greedy and selfish in my opinion.