to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

[whoshouldpay]

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

The more I think about this, the more I think its one of the worst threads I've read on here. I'm so beyond gobsmacked.

OP you must be the kindest most forgiving person ever because I'd have 2 new patios if these were my relatives.

I don’t think I could stay married, so sorry this happenef.

Skipped to end. Husband is a sick. In laws shouldn't have any knowledge of your finances, let alone any say over how they are used.

Your parents put £5k into your joint account? Which husband took and you paid back to your parents out of your own account over time? So in effect you paid for her op? Leaving you £5k short of your own personal money?

I would think about how your joint account can pay YOU back, whether over time or right now. Pp's suggestion of finding out about finance options for your own op is a good one, joint account can make up for what you did 15 years ago.

And that still only puts things right if you were happy for you and husband to pay for the op at all...2.5k each.

Why are people calling this a gift from "D"H to MIL? You cannot gift stolen money! The whole family sounds rotten to the core. Good lord, I'm trying to imagine my parents' reaction to a situation like this - the in laws would not have known what had hit them!

The legal analysis sadly is that when she put it into the joint account that had legal consequences. Either of the joint account holders can spend money in there unless she made it clear to her husband not to. He then lawfully used it to give it to his mother. So however morally wrong I don't think the husband has done anything wrong in the eyes of the law.

Moral - don't put money into joint accounts if you don't want it cleaned out by your other half.

I know the implications of putting that money into a joint account (legally) but surely your husband knew what it was for when your parents transferred it? And for him to do that to you? You were in a horrible position with your child, your MH was shot and public transport was not helping yet he decided to use your money (I don't give a shit if it was in the joint, it certainly wasn't his, it had a purpose) to help his mother with a non threatening operation because of wait time? Fuck that. Fuck him. I understand why your parents haven't forgiven him, have you? Especially considering his twat of a mother won’t take any responsibility either.

What if you hadn't been given that money? What would they all have done then? Wait like normal people for the operation? The trust didn't deem it that bad to wait as it wasn't listed as an emergency. On the other side of that, you don't want to wait? Pay for private but not at your expense, OP.

Honestly I’m so angry for you. I'd talk to your husband and tell him how unfair it was that he made you suffer on behalf of his mother, it wasn't life threatening for her, yours could have turned out quite badly. If he knew what the money was for and how bad your MH was (I'd be very surprised if he didn't!) then I'd point this out too. It wasn't a a gift as it wasn't his to bloody give. 🤬

At the very minimum your husband and his siblings should have made an effort to pay you back from the moment they took the 5k from you.

Seeing that you never agreed to this "gift" they should still pay you back. (Not MIL, she did not ask for the money as I can tell)

5k 15 years ago is adjusted for inflation roughly 7.5k now. Including the 5k you had to pay back your mother which is also 7.5k in todays money then your DH and his siblings need to pay you back 15k not 5k. And this would be a generous interest free loan repayment.

@MissKhan1990

OP what you husband did is unforgivable. That was your money not his to give away. l don't know if you can get past something like that. I'm in a situation at the moment which is not my husband's fault but my inlaws, l now resent them but am civil for the sake of my husband.

Your husband owes you 5,000 pounds. If he had a conscience and sense of right and wrong he should have given it back.

No.

He owes her £10 thousand pounds.

Five thousand for the money he gave to his mother and another five for the money she re-paid back to her parents.

I'd also argue he owes her a car as well....

He's a nasty piece of work. I can't fathom how he can live with himself.

My DM would have gone shouty crackers if I’d taken a gift like that and given it away

So would I!

It wasn't "Here is some money - use it how you want/ need to.'

It was "Here is £5,000 specifically FOR A CAR. It is s you can BUY A CAR, so that I know that my much-loved DD and DGS are not forced to take an hour journey each way to access nursery provision. BUY A CAR with this money, with our blessing." - your r-sole "D"H had no right to spend money given to YOU for a SPECIFIC REASON on anything else at all.

I applaud that he and his siblings were worried about his mother, but at worst he should have asked if his mother could BORROW the money for her surgery (I'm assuming that she didn't have any savings at that time. And also that he and his siblings would be responsible for paying you back if she failed.

She is an absolute cow if she refuses to repay you - especially as it is her grandchild that this is affecting.

He owes her £10 thousand pounds.

Five thousand for the money he gave to his mother and another five for the money she re-paid back to her parents

Good point, Mortis

In my opinion, she's just as guilty as DH. Presumably she knew where the money came from and still accepted to take the money that weren't hers or her son's! She's a first class bitch.

Legally, I'm afraid, it's way too late to do anything about it, but she has a moral obligation to pay it back. And Dh owes you an apology and 10k or perhaps a kidney, I'm sure you could sell one of his for 10k

To add insult to injury, your health is now affected and it gives you distress and pain.

I never said LTB, but now I do. Run, and never look back. What a bunch of morons they are. I am so sorry OP, this is by far the worst thing I've read on here.

Divorce him op he stole the money from you and your son, and has damaged your relationship with your parents.

What if you were to ask your dh to take out a loan in his name for the £5K? Would he do that?

You can ask him to repay your parents as he used the money without agreement. (Good luck with that! He can always ask his sis/bro to pay back/lend him some of the money, depending on their own contribution at the time).

I think you did the right thing paying your parents back. Morally definitely the right thing. Well done.

Good luck.

I suspect that the only way you'll get your private surgery is to make sure that dh is very negatively impacted by your pain, ie you become less and less able to do stuff and he has to step up more and more, financially as well as physically and mentally.

It's much rarer these days, but women have stayed in 'marriages of convenience' since time immemorial. IF you have made the decision to stay because it's financially better for you and DS, then that is your decision. As long as your child is healthy and happy AND you can maintain the 'illusion' of a happy home for him then more power to you.

But MoC come with a lot of teeth-gritting, self-sacrifice, and an awful lot of shoving one's emotions deep down inside. It may be financially better, but it is not mentally nor emotionally healthy. I suggest you find a good counselor, because you're going to need one to help you stay emotionally on course. And to help you to be able to mentally separate yourself from your DH's actions, so that none of his future (or past) arseholiness affects you deeply. Because you're going to have to get to the place where nothing he does 'touches' you or your emotions. Do you really want to live like that?

And, of course, a woman in a MoC is essentially waiting for 'dead man's shoes', hoping to out-live their spouse and finally be free. You've said your DS will likely never live independently. So just realize that you may be looking at (depending on your and his ages) 30-40 YEARS of putting up with him and his family. Is it really worth it?

BUT you need to make damn sure you have a rock solid exit plan and a good sized 'fuck off fund' that he knows nothing about. Because MoC can suddenly become very INconvenient and you want to be sure you have a quick way out.

This is shocking 😱

Could you maybe try mentioning to your MiL that her son didn't realise that the £5000 was a loan from your parents in order to buy a car and that you later had to pay it back, leaving you £5000 in deficit and that you now need it back to pay for the surgery?

Your husband is the problem here. The vile man stole from you. Ltb.

Assuming your DH stole - and stole is the correct word here - the whole £5000 he owes you £5000. Personally I would've left him over that.

DH is the problem, not MIL who was given the money as if it were her son's to give.

I think this is an appalling situation but the H (let's drop the 'dear') didn't steal, not legally.

The money was put into a joint account. He took it out. That's allowed. They are married.

If the OP had really objected, she'd have been sensible to whip it out and put in her own account before he took it.

OP I don't know what your circs are now, with accounts, but one option if you have a joint account is to take the money you are owed, and tell your H that is what you are doing. If you don't have £5K anywhere in joint savings, then tell him you will transfer £x to your own account each month until the books balance.

So in effect, you paid for MIL’s operation?
Because your parents money was used, but you’ve paid them back, by working for the money?
So the person who has worked to pay for MIL’s operation is you.
I’d make that point strongly and repeatedly. To everyone.
“I paid for the original operation, so now I need the money back for my own operation.”
And I would definitely be considering whether the marriage had any value.

I'd be demanding the DH pays you so you can stop subsidising his family. Why should you OR your parents be paying for his mother?

And you are still with dh?

He stole the money your parents gave to you to make your life easier by buying a car for your child

For his mum to have an op

Now you need an op and mil should pay

Let alone the car

In my opinion, you need to do something.

This is still upsetting you, years later. You're being haunted by it because of its fundamental injustice. You couldn't maintain your boundaries at the time, because you were unwell. All of the people involved are still part of your life, so you can't re-focus and move on, because you're frequently reminded of it. You need to take some form of purposeful action in order to reassert your boundaries if nothing else. You were powerless then, but you're not now.

You've said that you're going to address your MIL directly. Definitely do this. Even if she refuses to recompense you, you have advocated for yourself, and that's something to be proud of.

I’ve been thinking about this all afternoon. So much so that I phoned up SIL who is a family law specialist.

Firstly, it’s not £10K you are owed, it’s between £14k and £21k depending on whether you take into account just inflation, or also compound interest.

Secondly, funds from joint accounts can be considered stolen by one of the parties if the other party expressly disagreed to the use

Thirdly, receiving stolen money (MIL), even if you are unaware of it, is classed as money laundering. And BIL and SIL would be part of that too if they knew at the time that it was your money and you hadn’t concerned.

Unfortunately because of the time passed, most of that is likely to be a moot point, but hopefully helps to illustrate how serious it is.

Most important though, she was concerned that you are still even now being financially controlled and strongly suggested you talk it through with somewhere like Women’s Aid.