to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

[whoshouldpay]

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

I was fully prepared to say YABU but having read the circumstances, I still think YABU to expect your MIL to pay but your DH owes you £10K and an apology. YANBU to believe that.

Of course you can't get over it. He's shown you that he doesn't really care about your needs. He did the big I am by grandly paying for his mum's op with your money - WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT FFS - in direct contravention of your wishes - and left you to suffer as a result.

And he doesn't recognise it. And he doesn't care that you're in pain, what wasn't good enough for his mum, is good enough for you.

Of course you can't get over it.

I’m so sad to think of you on that exhausting nursery run when you could have had a car!! I am also repulsed at the thought of these siblings deciding to go private when they don’t have any savings - newsflash, it don’t work like that!

You sound so hardworking and nice, he does not and neither does his family.

your DH is a SHIT. He is content with you struggling for years on buses and now for more years in pain. No husband of any worth would be ok with seeing his partner in this situation. He is all the kinds of horrible. I have never said this-first time ever ......LTB

I’m angry on your behalf, OP. Your DH should never have taken the money your parents gave you. Not unless you agreed. It sounds like his siblings were involved too. How dare they decide what your money would be spent on! 😡

I don’t know if your MIL has a good nature, but I’d try appealing to her first. Then if that didn’t work, I’d be aiming to get the money back from your DH. Can you ‘forget’ your credit card and promise to pay him back (not)? Can you sell something of his?

I can’t get over how you’ve been treated. Disgusting behaviour. I’d be getting the money back by any legal way I could, and leave the b***d personally. He doesn’t care about you and I couldn’t live with knowing that and waiting for the next time I’d be deemed by him to be bottom of the priority list. He sounds a snake.

I am gobsmacked, truly shocked. You need to leave him, he is a selfish cunt who has no place in a relationship. If my DH did that my mum would have KILLED him, literally never heard the end of it. How can you stay with someone so selfish??????

He did the big I am by grandly paying for his mum's op
essentially he made sacrifices on YOUR account in order that he could say 'look mummy look what a good boy I am'

Was this 15 years ago?

If so it's a lot more than £5k she owes you.....

As others have said though, I doubt you'll get it back.

How is your marriage? Because personally I think your husband sounds like a selfish thief and I'd be getting rid of him if I was you. And in doing so I'd make sure the £5k is allocated to you in the divorce.

I'm sorry, I can absolutely see why you are so incredibly angry.

I am far better off in my marriage than as a lone parent of a disabled child on UC if that makes sense

I wondered if that were the case, because otherwise, I can't see any reason to stay married to a man who obviously does not love you.

He was prepared to see you struggle, took stole money your parents had given you for a car, and is now prepared to see you in chronic pain.

I hope you have an escape plan.

😱 I’m usually sceptical about all the “MIL bashing” threads but this is outrageous. You not being unreasonable to resent this and ask for the money back doesn’t even cover it. Sounds like your bro and siblings work corporately to ensure their birth family comes up on top, and you and your child are secondary. It really shouldn’t be like that. Consider whether you want to stay with your H and if not consider planning an exit. Play your cards very close to your chest if you do.

I'm just curious how your husband views this, if you know. Does he think the money was partly his? Does money burn a hole in his pocket? Bullied by older sibs? Trying to buy MIL's love? Secretly hates you and wants to punish you? Blames you for 'trapping' him with a disabled child? Just clueless and impulsive? Secretly mortified and doubling down because of guilt? Doesn't care how you feel at all because you're trapped and won't leave? Is he refusing to save and pay you back (to reimburse you what you paid your parents? Doesn't care about your health? Aware that if your health deteriorates he's going to have greater caring responsibilities? Not troubled by the rift with your parents? Is he a psychopath or a bit stupid or too ground down too care about anything? All of the above?

I know you said it won't be at all practical to leave - will your child be going to residential college or so in a few years time?

@whoshouldpay

You were late looking for a nursery, but did you have to go to the far away one for 2 years?

nursery were great with DS. He was by 2 also on the diagnostic pathway for autism and he struggled with change. his needs by 2 - 2.5 were quite different to that of a typical toddler. changing nursery is not easy and if you have a good one, you tend to stick to it.

I started looking 6 months before returning to work. I was stupid. I thought that would be plenty of time. Totally my fault for not sorting that earlier but that was 15 years ago. not sure what point is there not questioning these choices.

It sounds like this all worked out for the best anyway op, since it turned out to be a fantastic nursery.

YANBU and your DH sounds awful IMO, this whole thing is on him. He should be doing all he can now to pay towards the surgery that you need. Take care

I'm sorry I can't believe you're still with this guy. That was your money and he had no right to spend it without your consent. I am raging on your behalf. To not back you up now you're in chronic pain is unforgivable. I think you need to re-evaluate this relationship xx

Being the recipient of stolen money does not make you a thief, nor confer any obligations to the person who was stolen from.

Unless your MIL knew that her son had stolen this money from you and thus colluded in the theft then I don't think she's under any moral responsibility to pay you the £5k back.

This is squarely on your DH.

He was selfish then in giving away not only your money but doing so knowing the long term implications for yourself in not having a car.

He's been selfish since I'm not repaying you the money.

He's being selfish now in expecting you to wait for NHS treatment when he felt otherwise for his mother.

I honestly don't understand how you can even look at this man never mind remain married to him.

You say you are being pragmatic in staying with him.

Frankly I think you need to see a solicitor and work out what you're entitled to out of the marriage and also benefits.

I think you'll find it's more than you expect.

OP has said that she is not able to survive the financially alone, that's why her husband felt able to stitch her up like this, he knows there's nothing she can do about it.

Are you out 10k? I'd be telling your dh he needs to pay that back, even if that means he gets done from his mother and siblings.Your dh and his siblings agreed to pay, not you. But he took the money you received from your parents. None of them are out of pocket but you're still struggling busing.? This would lead to a divorce for me. And why did you have to repay your mother a gift she gave you?

Sadly, a lot of non de script people, and rubbish programmes make money for people, and anything with dogs in, people will watch.

YABU as what happened 15 years ago does not entitle you to get help from mil now, yes it would be good if she did and morally right, but she doesn,t have to.

I’m raging on your behalf OP, your husband is a cunt. How dare he use your money to pay for his mums private treatment and he won’t even consider doing the same for you? I’d make sure your MIL knows the fulls story and that you need treatment - for her to refuse would look very bad on her if she is able to help. Your parents must be livid with your H!

I'm so sorry you're in such a difficult situation. If it was me, I think the love would have died when DH took the money. I understand you're still with him due to other circumstances, and maybe there are good bits to your marriage, but what he did was appalling.

What to do now? I think if it was me, I'd try and beat him at his own game. Credit card for the operation you need and for an inexpensive car. Assuming you can get credit in both your names. Could you persuade your husband to do this?

I don't think you will get far with your MIL unfortunately or with asking 'D'H to pay back the £5000 (or £10000 since you repaid your parents). YANBU at all for still being angry over it but you may be in a better position if you downplay that and take any other action you can to improve your financial position and get the car and operation paid for as a joint expense, which your husband will then at least be equally liable for.

You don't really say whether you want to be with him anymore and that's not for random strangers on the internet to tell you, but I would have a think about ways you could put by a bit of money in savings, secretly if at all possible. That way you'll at least have some options. You also don't say whether your husband is involved much with caring for your DS. Is there a way you could arrange for him to do more of this, if he isn't at the moment? That would also put you in a better position for the future if you did leave, and maybe make it possible for you to earn more money.

Op I really feel for you and totally agree that your Mil has a moral obligation to pay back the money, but as she has made it clear that she won't, there's little point upsetting yourself by demanding (or asking nicely) for something you know won't be forthcoming.

Instead I'd suggest putting consistent pressure on your DH to use savings or credit to pay for your private treatment. And ensure he does more work around the house or with DS until you've had your treatment and you're feeling better.

Do you want to leave the marriage, if you had a way to still take care of your DS? I am concerned, given your DH's attitude so far, that he may decide to split with you once DS is 18, which will leave you taking on all the caring responsibility with no financial help from him.

It is your husband who took the money from you and not your mil. She was given it so I don't know if you can reasonably ask for it back. Maybe you could ask for an interest free loan from her which your husband will pay back to her over x number of years. Would that be at all doable? Is there stuff he could go without each month? (has he got a car to sell?! or some posessions to put on ebay?!)

I think your treatment is probably muddied by the fact that this money was viewed as a 'windfall' rather than your parents money. Which of course it was.

If your parents are around could they apply some pressure to your DH 'that money was a loan for my daughter to buy a car, I now want it back so that I can pay for her surgery'?

Your inlaws have behaved badly but the fault lies with your husband. In his mind it must now all be in the past so he needs to understand that it isn't and that it is his job to provide the surgery you need, just like he did for his mother!

Geez sorry to read this OP.

I don't actually think the debt is your MIL's to pay, it sounds like when you asked her and she said your OH gave it to her she likely assumed it was a gift from him and no mention of paying it back.

Therefore I feel your OH owes you that money, he should pay you back and if he is struggling, he can always ask his mother to 'Lend' him some.

I am fuming just reading this... I don't think I could stay with my DH is he did this.

I'm furious on your behalf, but the time that has since elapsed is defo a big issue. You should've demanded at the time that he pay you back slowly.

But of course I can imagine that her subsequent refusal to 'return the favour' makes it a different matter to if she had for example offered to pay previously but no longer had the money.

OP what you husband did is unforgivable. That was your money not his to give away. l don't know if you can get past something like that. I'm in a situation at the moment which is not my husband's fault but my inlaws, l now resent them but am civil for the sake of my husband.

Your husband owes you 5,000 pounds. If he had a conscience and sense of right and wrong he should have given it back.