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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

639 replies

whoshouldpay · 16/01/2021 10:45

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

OP posts:

Reastie · 16/01/2021 13:41

Your dh was bvu for sending mil the money against your permission and agreement.

You are bu expecting mil to pay for the op, but ywnbu to explain the situ to your mil and expect her to offer some of her savings given the situ and history.

grannyfan1 · 16/01/2021 13:41

I think you should divorce you’re husband as he is pretty useless and unreasonable. As for you’re mil I think she is very, very horrible to not feel the need to pay you/DH(if she thought the money was his) as not many parents would feel comfortable taking money from their kids.

MGMidget · 16/01/2021 13:41

If I was your parents I would have been very put out. £5,000 is a lot of money to most people and they gave you that to solve a particular problem you had. How could your DH and his siblings have decided to use that money for their mother? Yes, you probably should have spoken up at the time although as it was a joint account you could not have actually stopped him making the transfer if he was determined to go ahead. I would definitely push for payment for your operation now. Also try and work out what £5,000 15 years ago would be worth now and that is technically how much you are owed. Your operation may only cost part of that. I would say you didn't agree to the transfer (you didn't by the sound of things and why would you?)!

If your parents consider giving you any money in future make sure it doesn't go to the joint account and preferably chose what you want to do with it and have them pay for it directly!

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 16/01/2021 13:41

YOU paid your parents back!? After your "D"H essentially stole money from you!? It should have been HIM paying them back! I am absolutely furious on your behalf OP, I cannot believe the cheek of those people. If that's how they treat family I dread to think how they treat their enemies.
No advice sadly OP apart from to try and leave this leech you call a husband. You and your child deserve so much more.

WiseOwlRelaxing · 16/01/2021 13:41

And your H says the money was a gift! He made that decision on his own to give away money YOUR parents gave you to make their daughter's life easier?

The person who needs to give you five k is your H

Hugoslavia · 16/01/2021 13:42

I know that it's not quite the point, but if your parents were happy to gift you a car back then, and having paid them back, would they now be in a position or happy to regift you the money to decrease your pain? I doubt that your MIL gives a toss tbh. She sounds shameless! However, she might be genuinely skint and just not be able to afford it.

WiseOwlRelaxing · 16/01/2021 13:43

Sell his car for 5k cash

Aprilx · 16/01/2021 13:43

I think what your husband did was terrible, my husband and I consider all our money joint but we discuss and agree major financial decisions.

However as far as your MIL is concerned, her adult child gave her money for an operation fourteen years ago, to demand it back now is unreasonable. This is for your husband to sort.

TheNorthWind · 16/01/2021 13:43

TBH it isn’t theft as some users say, the money was in a joint account and was a marital asset, but nevertheless there should have been communication between the two of you before the money was transferred to her, and that is where the DH is at fault.

It may not have been legally defined or prosecutable as theft, but it wasn't the husband's money either. He took something that wasn't his without consent, depriving OP of something that was hers. It wouldn't interest the CPS, but it was definitely stealing.

Also "communication before the money was transferred to her" implies that it was the right thing to do really. In fact there was communication beforehand. And the OP said NO.

And realising he went ahead and did it anyway is still a proper belly blow, OP. Even just reading about it. Regardless of any redeeming features he might have. Honestly, successful co-parents sounds like a really good goal to aim for.

iMatter · 16/01/2021 13:43

@Scaredykittycat

What your DH did was completely unreasonable but you can’t just demand someone pays for your surgery because you feel it is unjust. You need to learn to let it go.

Bit tricky to "let it go" when the OP is struggling every day with a health condition and an necessarily shitty journey to work. And she's 5k down.

I couldn't stay married to him OP. I hope you can get the support you need.

merrymouse · 16/01/2021 13:45

If you give somebody money on the understanding that they will spend it on x, and then they spend it on y, there is certainly a moral wrong.

R2221 · 16/01/2021 13:45

I would also threaten MIL with legal notice. Tell her you have proof that DH gave it to you as a loan. Yeah, even loans are bank transferred. Tell her you need to get your money back by a specific date or you’ll settle it through court.
Old witch MIL - give her a tough time OP. Get that 5k back. Peace comes with it.

peboh · 16/01/2021 13:46

The issue here is your dh. Your mil didn't ask him to steal money from you to pay for her treatment. I personally don't know that you can ask her for the money back as it wasn't a choice on her behalf.

merrymouse · 16/01/2021 13:46

Sell his car for 5k cash

Seems fair. (Although unfortunately legally wrong if he is the registered owner)

Porridgeoat · 16/01/2021 13:47

Just ask for the cash back directly. Explain that your 5k was taken off you without your permission to finance her surgery and your like the cash back as it was a gift to you from your parents. Ask. Take the lead.

BornOnThe4thJuly · 16/01/2021 13:48

Would you find it easier to write to your MIL to ask her to repay the money?
I’m so sorry you’ve been treated like this. You really do deserve better!

Lookslikerainted · 16/01/2021 13:50

Leave your DH

Tazers · 16/01/2021 13:50

It was 15 years ago, so I'm not sure how you'd stand legally. I don't suppose you have anything in writing stating that he did not have your permission to take 5k out if your joint account?

Divorce him and take him to the cleaners.

Runnerduck34 · 16/01/2021 13:57

From your title I thought yabu but after reading your post you definitely definitely not being unreasonable!
Your DHs behaviour makes my blood boil on your behalf.
The fact they will not reciprocate and show you the same care and consideration tells you everything you need to know about them.
Show your DH this thread, do you think he has a form of ASC himself? He seems to totally lack empathy. ( although I do know many with ASC are caring).
I would summon up courage and strength and talk to mil direct, plainly and clearly say everything you have said here is she aware money from your parents paid for her operation and huge sacrifice you made by not having a car and the toll it took on you?
In fact share this thread with his whole bloody family!
Ultimately i think you are unlikely ever to get anything back from them, they simply dont care enough about you and refuse to acknowledge the sacrifice you made.
If after you have speaking to ILs they refuse to help i would be breaking all contact with them.
I would also be re-evaluating relationship with DH, is he normally kind , loving and considerate? Is he unable to stand up to his family? Or is he just an a**e?!

GarlicSoup · 16/01/2021 13:59

@DrFoxtrot

I agree that your DH is the problem. Can he find the money from somewhere? Sell things? Does he show any sort of remorse or is he apologetic now that you need surgery and do not have the funds?

Years ago, this sort of resentment would have rumbled on in my marriage. Now, I'd be making plans to leave as the family have made it quite clear how important your feelings are to them.

This

purpleboy · 16/01/2021 13:59

Op this is so sad, I can't believe he stole that money. This is indeed a hill I would die on, you need to tell dh and his siblings that they pay you back the £5000, if they want to recoup that cost they can ask their mother. I include his siblings as I presume they knew your H was using your money without your consent as were them complicit in the theft, if they weren't then it falls solely to your husband to pay you back.

Does he have a car?

WiseOwlRelaxing · 16/01/2021 14:00

I wouldn't write to the MIL

Just after she'd had an accident her DC ''paid'' for her medical bills. She was given the money.

It's your H who stole the money from you.

Yohoheaveho · 16/01/2021 14:01

@Porridgeoat

Is it was me i might do this out of sheer bloody mindedness, but if you do this your husband and his siblings will all attack you in defence of their mother (and his terrible behaviour will give you grounds to divorce him)

Tistheseason17 · 16/01/2021 14:01

YANBU,but tissue was 14/15 yrs ago and trying to address it now in this way is going to be difficult.

Him and his family should have paid you back. Why does your DH think your surgery is less important than his mum's?

GypsyLee · 16/01/2021 14:05

YABU and your husband is a joke.

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