to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

[whoshouldpay]

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

You should show this thread to your husband. I dare say a multitude of women pointing out his abusive behaviour wouldn't make for comfortable reading. Especially since he prob thinks of himself as one of the good uns, who stepped up when his mother needed help..... 🤢🤢

Your husband's family owe you £5k. I can't believe what I'm reading. Honestly I'm not just saying it but I would have left my husband for this. Unforgivable. If she needed that amount of money for surgery she should have taken out a loan.
She is aware that essentially your parents paid for her surgery and she hasn't even offered to pay the money back... just awful. What disgusting people.

I would have voted YABU on the basis of the thread title but reading the full picture I am very much YANBU.

I doubt very much that your MIL will repay the money from what you have said. It's doesn't bode well that she said the transfer came from your DH when you raised it once before. I'm also not sure why your DH has not asked her already when he can see how much pain you are in.

It sounds as if that decision by your husband and his brothers has had huge long term implications for your family. Counselling might help but only in the sense that your DH needs to understand why you were so justifiably upset about it. The point made by a previous poster that you essentially paid £10k for your MIL's surgery is shocking but true. It was YOU not her sons who paid for the surgery so your DH and his brothers need to think about what they can do to show they acknowledge this.

@stanski

I could never forgive that. I would have divorced as a result.

I know people who have, and have been happily partnered/married to someone who isn't a gaslighting thief for decades. .

DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways.

My blood is boiling for you reading this. Your husband had no right to earmark your money, your BIL and SIL even less so. It is financial abuse on his part.

As you paid for the whole surgery have the BIL and SIL been in no position to pay back at least half in the following years? No, but they were happy to take your money with no thought.

That journey to work sounds horrendous, never mind with a child in tow.

Your husband stole your money. Why are you still with him?

Your husband is a thief
You are a doormat
Now suffer the consequences of not having a backbone
Get a divorce at least!

Your problem is not with your mil, bil or sil. None of these took money which was gifted to you, your problem is with your husband, he spent that money and its no one else's fault. You have accepted this for years and now its bothering you, I don't believe you've any right to expect your mil to fund your treatment, as far as she is concerned her children clubbed together and paid for her treatment years ago, a nice gesture but not something that should be hanging over her forever. Suggest your husband goes looking for an additional income to fund your treatment.

I can see why you are cross and why you would want the money back but you can’t demand she pay for your surgery for you. Or rather you can demand it but she doesn’t have to do it.

Stop paying 50/50. You only work part time. Pay the correct percentage and then save the excess for your surgery.

I'm furious at your H and I don't even know you!

Oh my days! If my dh stole £5k from me I’d be pissed off too.
Did your dh get a medal from his mother for gallantry for stealing your money and giving it to his mum?
Your h owes you the money. Can’t believe you paid it back 🤦🏼‍♀️ It should’ve been for a car purchase. I’d have let her suffer and wait for the NHS surgery, she’s a grown adult who can pay for stuff herself.

for PP wittering on about "family money" there is no thread on here that would agree that taking 5k from a family money account, unilaterally and without agreement of your partner, and then giving it (not loaning, giving it) to someone else would be ok. Not one.

Family money is for the family's benefit and in this case it would have benefitted OP and their DS. That is what family money is for, not for a MIL with whom the OP hasn't ever had a particularly close relationship.

And 15 years ago is a long time but look at it like this. If you consider extended family as being people you help (eg with 5k of your money which was gifted with a specific purpose) then there is absolutely ZERO reason why OPs inlaws shouldn't contribute to her surgery in the same way she contributed (pretty much all?) of the cost of MIL's surgery. Since, apparently, helping each other out is how this particular family dynamic works. Or is it only in one direction?

OP, how do you handle family occasions with your 'D'H and your own parents? Do you ever get together or is it all completely poisoned?

Oh and yes. The other option is that you simply stop contributing at all and you tell your H that you're calling in the IOU.

And that his mum ain't a grandma in this house anymore.

There are two separate issues here.

YABU to demand your MIL pay for your treatment. Yes, your DH may have given it to her but as far as she is concerned it was from the marital pot. It’s not for her to get involved in how your DH came about the money.

However, your DH transferred £5000 to her without your agreement, and that is the genuine issue here. TBH it isn’t theft as some users say, the money was in a joint account and was a marital asset, but nevertheless there should have been communication between the two of you before the money was transferred to her, and that is where the DH is at fault.

Why did you stay with him after that?

I literally cannot get over this, no wonder you still regularly cry. I am genuinely gobsmacked. Your DH, and his family are a disgrace.

You email her now and ask for the money back, and more-given YOU paid your parents back for the privilege of paying for her surgery too.

ultimately though its DH who owes you £5K.

Anything like a half decent partner wouldn't think twice he'd try and find the means to pay if asked. And that's before owing £5K for his mother. Caring for one another's needs is part of marriage, even its in the vows. Your DH hasn't just left you to take the strain with DS, he's gone a step further by making your life harder in order to prioritise his mother with something non-essential. (not inconveniencing himself though, just you). You have a useless DH who cares nothing for the difficulty he caused you by giving away your money, cares nothing that it has blighted his marriage, shaken your trust in him, cares nothing for helping to repay his in laws. He didn't prioritise you then and still won't now.

Honestly you'd be better off without, he'd have to take 50% of the childcare and you'd be able to work more if you want or need to.

I am so sorry you're in such a difficult position.
I can't believe your husband took that money, and took advantage of you and your parents when you were vulnerable.
I would contact citizens advice and see what the legal standpoint on all of this is.
I was under the impression that even with a joint account, the person who deposits the money into the account remains the owner of it, so you my have some legal recourse to demand that it is paid back to you.
Even if you never go ahead with any legal proceedings it always strengthens your argument if you know your rights.
Wishing you lots of luck with it.

I am horrified at your husband.

This is one of the saddest things I've read on here, and that's a high bar. I can't imagine spending 15 years sleeping next to someone who stole from me.

Wtf!!! Your DH is a thief!

What your DH did was completely unreasonable but you can’t just demand someone pays for your surgery because you feel it is unjust. You need to learn to let it go.

Wow, so he stole the five thousand from you for HIS mother and then as well as not getting the car, you paid the five thousand back to your parents out of guilt.

Your poor thing. It's frowned on on mumsnet I know but jesus christ have a glass of wine and a hug. I'm raging on yr behalf.

Talk to your MIL and tell her it was an emergency loan and you are STILL waiting for it to be paid back.
I’d be MAD at your DH OP. HOW FUCKING DARE HE! Who are HIS siblings to agree or disagree! They will even agree to sell your kidneys to give their mum a holiday. The whole lot, HOW DARE THEY!!
PM me your husband’s number, I’ll give him a piece. I’m so angry on your behalf!!

Get that money OP. It’s YOURS

For me the problem is not so much that he did it (although that is bad) it's more his refusal to acknowledge that he's in the wrong, this is an extremely arrogant position to take and it means that he's kicking you while you're down, rubbing salt into the wound by refusing to acknowledge your suffering or unhappiness.
All because of his pride, his inability to admit that he was wrong, because he has to save face at all costs.

Hang on... so you have paid your mum back the £5,000 she gave/lent you? If that's the case, then the mother-in-law should certainly be paying YOU back!