to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

[whoshouldpay]

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

@EllyNC

See, we all think that, don't we? But then you remember that there's plenty of selfish arseholes alive and kicking in this world. The operation was about 15 years ago and it seems like she's made no attempt to re-pay the money from the OP's perspective.

So she either took the money, got the surgery then carried on with her life not giving two hoots about where the money came from or she mentioned to DH about paying him back and he said not to worry.

So, unless she offered to re-pay the money, I can't see her being the type of person who feels the moral obligation to pay back debts and be fair. OP will likely be ousted from the family for daring to ask for the money back as you could never take money off a little old lady, that would be horrid and oh so nasty. From OP's descriptions of his siblings, too, it seems like they're all cut from the same cloth.

You paid for hers for me it's not the fact that she should pay for yours but she should pay you the money back regardless!

I agree it was shit of your dh to do this but still regularly crying about it after 15 years?

Was repayment never suggested at the time?

I think you need to accept after this long you're not getting it back and possibly seek some professional help to enable you to move forward. Without you dh if need be.

Your husband should put you first but instead he is prioritised his own family to your detriment
I would make sure that I was compensated for this... by hook or by crook

So you paid for MIL's surgery essentially?

You paid.

That is money you are owed. By your husband, his siblings and his Mother.

They owe you £5000.

What your husband did was selfish and reprehensible and he paid for private surgery at the expense of his child's welfare. That would be grounds for divorce for me, he loyalties do not lie with his wife or his little boy.

I though my ex was the prince of arseholes.

I’m disappointed (and amazed) that someone has nicked his crown and out-arseholed him.

Sorry OP - that was pure rotten of him to do that to you.

@OhCaptain is right.
Your dh is scum.
No way would my dh ever have taken money from me if I was catching 3 buses with a toddler, his own child, every day.
What an utter disgrace the man is.
And to not have the balls to ask for the money back.
I’d be cutting down on everything he enjoys and saving money for myself.
Your poor parents.

Your husband conspired with his siblings to steal money from you and is still conspiring with them... gaslighting you

After 15 years it's clear the family aren't appreciative
of what you did for their mother and aren't going to pay you back, op.

Have you ever had counselling, op? It might bring you some closure
because this betrayal has clearly had a big impact on you even all these
years later.

And yes - your DH owes you £5,000.

He can borrow it from his mum.

I could never forgive that. I would have divorced as a result.

@whoshouldpay

I think there is a lot to be said for having separate accounts

I changed that shortly afters.

I'd have taken out a £5k loan on the joint account first.

Your mil should not being paying for your op, if she has savings she's should be repaying you your £5k with interest.

I wouldnt have stayed after that financial abuse.

What a hideous story. Your DS is lucky to have you but it seems like your in-laws are horrible monsters and your DH loves his mum more than he loves you. Your MIL should pay for this surgery no question. You went without a car for your disabled child to pay for hers.

Why are you still with your DH? Seriously, no excuses just why?

His mum and siblings sound horrible too but ultimately he took your money even though you told him not to and then allowed you to suffer on buses for two years. If he has done this, how can you stay with him and continue to bcos you know he would do it again,

I’m so sorry to hear this OP. I think this is the worst thing I’ve ever read on here. You “D” H should be ashamed of himself that he stole your money and MIL should be paying you back. I think I would leave him over this but i understand you’re in a very difficult position. So sorry you’re in pain too x

As an aside, is private surgery the solution? Relatively simple operations, perhaps, but if the OP has something complex or her case is more complex than some, private surgery may be beyond MIL's savings anyway, making the entire discussion academic. Sometimes booking one private consultation can make it clear whether continuing private makes sense, or could be used for a referral back to the NHS to cut out the waiting time for a consultant appointment at least. There are also sometimes ways to get cancellations etc on the NHS if you are extremely persistent. Speaking as someone with a chronic condition but based on pre-Covid experiences. Something to consider if the OP hasn't already.

Your DH owes you £5k. I suggest he gets £2.5k of that from SIL/BIL.

...but realistically that's not going to happen after 15 years. I couldn't have got over him treating me like that, and there's no way we would still be together 15 years later. But none of us have the full picture.

Could you ask your parents for a loan to cover your private treatment?

So your DH basically stole your mum's money for his mum? That’s disgusting. Your MIL needs to send your £5k back. If she doesn’t and your ‘D’H doesn’t support you, then I would leave.

@supercee

Assuming your DH stole - and stole is the correct word here - the whole £5000 he owes you £5000. Personally I would've left him over that.

But surely by the rules of MN it was then family money. When men have extra money from whatever the source it's certainly considered 'family money', maybe the rules are different. Ceertainly the word 'stole' is totally wrong in legal terms, the OP could have said No. If she wanted to ringfence 'her' money within the family finances then she should have either bought a car immediately or put the money into a seperate account.

This is going to devour you! You have been betrayed and this betrayal has not been acknowledged. In fact, you have been made to feel that your feelings are not reasonable. I would be absolutely chewed up about this and I am not surprised this has impacted your mental health and relationship. I would be very very very clear to your husband that he needs to hear you, this is how you feel and a lack of resolution means the end of your marriage. So sorry you are going through this!

you have been betrayed by someone who should have your back, at the very least your husband and his siblings need to acknowledge that they have wronged you and apologise for what they did.
but they appear incapable of backing down instead they are doubling down, closing ranks against you:(
He is choosing to 'save face' for his family of origin by refusing to admit that they have done anything wrong, in doing so he is treating you and the family that he has created with you as subordinates, as lesser beings whose feelings and wellbeing do not matter:(

@whoshouldpay

How could you parents ever forgive your DH for this?

they have not and don't really have contact. it left a lasting damage.

You haven't answered why you forgave him

I cannot believe my eyes!
Your ,"D"H owns you the money.
I cannot believe he used it without your agreement!
Also, why could not he get a loan to get you a car? Or get you a cheap car in the meantime? I cannot believe it! Your MIL could have paid back slowly.
Did your DH tell her it was your money? For your car?
So many options here to get your MIL treatment, and you and your son transport. You can find cars for not much at all, especially so many years ago.
And yes, your DH should be paying for your procedure. Whether he gets the money from your MIL or not, it would be his problem.

OP you said you earn, pro rata, more than your DH?
It makes sense that you work FT and he goes PT then, doesn't it. Make this financial decision for the both of you without input from him, much like he made the decision to give his mum the 5k.

He can take over your caring responsibilities - your son is his DS after all.
And then when he's PT, divorce him.