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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

639 replies

whoshouldpay · 16/01/2021 10:45

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

OP posts:
thinkingaboutLangCleg · 16/01/2021 12:49

I would put pressure on MIL to repay the money your parents gave you. Your husband should also do so. Or has he got anything he could sell to repay you? They have all behaved disgracefully towards you and DS.

EllyNC · 16/01/2021 12:50

I wouldn’t phrase it as ‘pay for my surgery’ but as ‘my husband gave you £5000 of MY money without my consent and we are now in a position where we really need it back please’.
It isn’t really your MIL’s fault- they gave her a gift, she needed the surgery so she took it, but hopefully she’d see the situation wasnt right and return the favour??
Your husband sounds like a piece of work (Sorry), I can’t believe he thought that was okay to do, and I’m sorry he put you in this situation!!!!

Viviennemary · 16/01/2021 12:50

I'd be annoyed by the way the whole thing has been handled. But your mil has no obligation to pay for your treatment. I'd walk away from the lot of them.

justilou1 · 16/01/2021 12:50

Have you considered getting legal advice? He stole from you.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 16/01/2021 12:51

Why did you pay your parents back? Why didnt he?
The money was given to you, not him, for you to buy a car. He then spent it. Doesnt matter that it was surgery for his mum, he still spent it.
Didnt you have the conversation about how he would pay you back? Why did you pay it back?

If your parents had bought you a car instead of giving you the cash, would he have sold it to pay for his mum?

You need to sit down with him and ask how he is going to make this right because it does not matter how many years have passed. He spent your parent's money. He did not pay you back. You'll never get that £5000 gift back, but you then lost another £5000 paying your parents. You can get that back from him and then at least you break even on the whole thing.

Flapjak · 16/01/2021 12:53

Well it was actually your husband that took the money, but 15 years is a long time ago, so you really should have demanded pay back a long time ago.

AnyTimeSoon · 16/01/2021 12:53

This is just so awful op. How dare he do that and how dare he not make this up to you. Could you make plans to leave him? Such as tell your parents about how you feel and borrow from them to set yourself up. You say he is very hands on, do you think he is capable of continuing that if he has ds part time? feel so sorry for you op, just a horrible thing they have all done.

OhCaptain · 16/01/2021 12:53

@whoshouldpay this is honestly one of the worst things I've read on here because it's so much more manipulative than other types of abuse - though I'm not saying it's worse before anyone jumps on me.

You don't want to leave your relationship and I can understand that but this can't be left festering. He owes you that fucking money. In fact, I'd argue that he owes you £10k not £5k.

But more than that - what the fuck sort of man watches his wife and toddler suffer the way you did - steals the money that would have benefitted them, watches while that same wife pays back the money, and then watches her suffer with chronic pain and does NOTHING about it?

He's a fucking animal. Actually, scratch that. Some animals have empathy.

I don't know what the fuck he is. Pond scum?

mam0918 · 16/01/2021 12:53

This is why you should never have joint accounts.

I would come from the point that it wasnt your money but your mothers and you DH stole your mothers money in your account for a specific purpose - problem is you have left it so long any court would question why and likely not take it as seriously.

you dont need 5k to buy a car though, even as a brand new driver as a women and mother its not that expensive if you research, I got a 15 year old car (popular with OAPs, avoid anything teenagers but) and it cost under 2k for car, tax, test and insurance when I first started driving as a young mother with a 'sensible' car only doing basic things like the school run I was catagorise as extremely low risk for the insurance company.

shinynewapple2021 · 16/01/2021 12:53

I don't really know what to say here OP except that you have my every sympathy and best wishes .

I agree that you have nothing to lose by asking your MIL.

I suppose leaving your DH and moving back with your parents for support is out of the question?

GreenBeeSW · 16/01/2021 12:53

I am so saddened by how little agency you feel you have in your own life. Your husband has and is treating you with utter contempt. He has also failed to do his legal and moral duty to protect and priortise his child. Clearly there are good points to your life together as well and he not pure evil, but this is not a fair or happy marriage.

Turn this around, imagine it is your child who is in constant pain now and needs an operation, but H dismisses his need. Would you just accept Hs distain for your Sons wellbeing or would you hire an excellent lawyer and take him to the fucking cleaners? You deserve to be loved and live a good life. Ask your parents for help now, get your operation, leave this man. Your life will be better on the other side and you can coparent on a much more equal footing.

Viviennemary · 16/01/2021 12:54

YOUR parents gave you the money. Sorry I thought it was your mil's who had given it.. They stole the money. And it needs to be repaid.

TheNorthWind · 16/01/2021 12:54

He does a lot at home (though I do more but I also work less hours) and he spends a lot of time with DS. They both like the outdoors so they are often on walks/hikes during the weekends. he is not a dad who doesn't do anything or doesn't care and they have a strong bond now.

I'm glad OP. It's easy to get caught up in assuming that one action describes everything about a person we have no other knowledge of.

I hope you can get the operation you need. And I wish and hope for your husband to understand how fucking terrible what he has done is and how badly it has affected you, apologise and do something to rectify it. Flowers

mam0918 · 16/01/2021 12:55

@mam0918

This is why you should never have joint accounts.

I would come from the point that it wasnt your money but your mothers and you DH stole your mothers money in your account for a specific purpose - problem is you have left it so long any court would question why and likely not take it as seriously.

you dont need 5k to buy a car though, even as a brand new driver as a women and mother its not that expensive if you research, I got a 15 year old car (popular with OAPs, avoid anything teenagers but) and it cost under 2k for car, tax, test and insurance when I first started driving as a young mother with a 'sensible' car only doing basic things like the school run I was catagorise as extremely low risk for the insurance company.

also to add because I didnt clearly say it... you DH is an ass
Triphazards · 16/01/2021 12:56

Doesn't matter what they "should" do.

Takers don't give.

CoolCovidCat · 16/01/2021 12:56

Your DH basically stole from you.

Did you kick up a fuss at the time?

I don't think it's MIL that owes you that money, it's your DH, who chose to take it from you.

He owes you £5k out of his own pocket, not the family pot.

1FootInTheRave · 16/01/2021 12:56

You need a divorce asap.

ChaToilLeam · 16/01/2021 12:57

Your husband is an absolute arse. I don’t know how you stand it.

HTH1 · 16/01/2021 12:57

It’s a really difficult one, MIL should morally pay it back but I would be very surprised if she did. ‘D’H owes you £5k (not £10k as you voluntarily re-paid your parents).

I agree with a PP that you should put the surgery on a credit card and pay it back from the joint account (without contributing a penny more than you do). Of course, your salary and any other money given to you needs to be paid into an account in your sole name.

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 16/01/2021 12:58

I voted yabu but only because its your husband that you need to get the money back from not Yr mil. He gave away money that was not his so he needs to return it. If your mil were decent she should have offered but I don't think from what you said that you'll have any joy trying to get it from her.
I'd dump the husband too.

HTH1 · 16/01/2021 12:58

Oh and, if the surgery comes to more than £5k, that’s just married life (so tough s**t for DH).

PeggyHill · 16/01/2021 12:58

I would take legal advice.

I'm gobsmacked that your husband has done this. I'm not sure I could have continued the marriage if I were in your shoes.

merrymouse · 16/01/2021 12:58

Your problem is your DH who took your money.

MissMarpleDarling · 16/01/2021 12:59

The talk isn't to be had with your MIL its your husband.

BeardyButton · 16/01/2021 12:59

This is just awful. Can you imagine being the woman who will accept stolen money and refuse to pay it back, thereby creating tension in her sons marriage. And dont get me started on the husband.

OP you deserve a bloody medal for putting your child first. Im in awe of what you have done (the buses, the staying in the marriage, etc). YANBU