to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

[whoshouldpay]

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

"I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways."

The absolute fucker. Are you really saddled with this man?

Take a loan out for surgery? And pay it back from household finances

your earring potential is twice that of your DH why cant you increasing you hours and he take more caring responsibilities? Why do you seem to be always making the sacrifices?

Would you want to leave your child with such a twat? I wouldn’t.

Did/does your mil even know where the money had come from? I think husband needs to sort this out - he could start by asking the siblings to pay him what their shares would have been and then he can find the rest - or all of it if theybdon't cough up.

your earring potential is twice that of your DH why cant you increasing you hours and he take more caring responsibilities? Why do you seem to be always making the sacrifices?

I am far better with DS and I adore him. He is the light of my life despite all his difficulties. I would never trade a higher paid full time job for what I am doing now. that is non-negotiable for me.

That's theft.

Saying this kindly, OP, but maybe you need - seriously- to think about come counselling for yourself.

Your moral compass seems skewed.

Not only did you stay with your H when he gave away money that was a gift to you, but you have continued to dwell on this for 15 years AND felt the need to repay your parents!

Why on earth did they accept it?

If I gave a DC money and their partner gave it away, I'd have words with their partner but not expect my DC to repay me out of some misplaced sense of guilt.

I can't believe you felt you needed to give the £5K back to your parents. Were they not angry over what had happened?

Seriously, you come over as being unable to speak your mind at the time, to full effect, then tie yourself in knots for years after the event.

What did your parents say about all this? They must know as there’s no car?? I would have happily given some of the money to my husband to help his mum but not all of it but then I know my MiL wouldn’t take it it she knew it was to get a car that would benefit her grandson.

Agree about your parents. Mine wouldn't have accepted the money back either.

Goodness Op - your DH was despicable stealing that money from you. He needs to pay you back. You've also got nothing to lose from asking your MIL to pay for your operation - you should definitely ask her and also ask your husband to put pressure on her too. The whole family sound horrible.

The mil was probably going to wait for the surgery on the NHS, the son and sibling may have decided to 'gift' the money as they were worried about her.

I think the DH is at fault, not the mil. He should have organised it so the car was purchased as well. They could have spent a small amount on a banger for the DH assuming he had a car the op could then use, then save for a better car. The giving of the money and leaving the op in such a position when she was clearly struggling is the real crime here. It was the op that made the emotional sacrifice, not him. He could have given his mum the money but make it right with the op, using a credit card to buy a cheap car and paid it off monthly for eg, and he's chosen not to.

I'm so sorry op, I hope you get your operation soon.

Your husband stole from you and you paid for the privilege? WTF?

YABU about MIL but that's it.

Your DH must pay you back. He took it, he replaces it.

Flags. Red. Ducks. Rows. Nuclear. Button.

Tell him he pays for the private treatment - he takes out a loan. In his name.

Then he pays it back. He still pays 50-50 into household accounts, and he pays back the loan - which is him repaying you for your parents' money which he stole to give to his mother.

He either does this or he looks forward to a lonely future with you gone as soon as it's financially possible for you.

Fucking horrible piece of shit man, brought up to be a piece of shit by his equally vomit-some mother.

I can see that you're staying with your husband partly for financial security OP. And I have no desire to judge that. Except you haven't really got it, have you?

He's shown that he'll help himself to what's yours. You paid your parents back alone. And now that you really need some money for your own healthcare needs, you can't have it.

You haven't commented on how much he actually does for your son. Or whether he pulls his weight in other ways. It's easy to make assumptions, but perhaps we're wrong.

I hope that the poster with similar experiences who PMed you was able to give you a useful insight. Because suppressing your reasonable feelings of betrayal and resentment and just holding it together all the time sounds so lonely and exhausting.

Tell him he pays for the private treatment - he takes out a loan. In his name.

This. 100% do this.

Fucking horrible piece of shit man, brought up to be a piece of shit by his equally vomit-some mother

I agree. They are both scum and if someone gifted me 5k you'd better believe i'd be paying them back and helping them when THEY needed help.

Unbelievable.

also keep in mind that when you inherit from your parents this also belongs to your 'D'H, he's free to distribute it amongst his family or friends or randoms down the pub and spend it as he sees fit. Run for your life, lady.

@whoshouldpay

I understand you weren’t in the right place then to fight, but WTF did your parents say?

that is a different thread. My mum was obviously distraught as she know how much DS and I suffered on the buses. but I paid them back over the years.

Wait wtf... You paid them back. So your husband steals 5k that your parents gave for a car as a loan and you paid it back? Not bil? Not sil? Not mil? So you paid for her op and now you've said you need the money your DH says no.

Can you access his account and just start siphoning off money into your own account?
I'd just transfer it onto a different account if my idiot husband did that and tell him to reclaim it off his mother.

These threads always make me wonder why people stay in relationships with such awful, awful people.

Can you love someone who would steal money from you and disregard your needs.

Your DH is a twat. How dare he stole the money that your parents gave . I am sure that 5000 is worth lot more now. if not his mum , he is entitled to pay that back to you. I don’t know if anything can be done legally, but I think you should absolutely get it back and sort your surgery .

Yabu to ask your MIL for the money

She received it as a gift from her son. You should however be asking your DH and everyone else involved in giving your money to MIL to cover it personally

You have a DH problem, not a MIL problem

I’m interested to know if the mil and her other children know where 5e money came from.

Not only did you stay with your H when he gave away money that was a gift to you, but you have continued to dwell on this for 15 years AND felt the need to repay your parents!

Yeah, easy to judge when you ignore context isn't it?
OP has already said that she had PND which affected her ability to say no. Sometimes you have no emotional resources to fight back.
She has also explained why she stays, her life and, presumably extension, the life of her child would be harder if she left.
Its harder to let go of things when the people who have wronged you show no recognition of what they have done. There's no resolution.
Anger can be the thing that you hold onto so that you are not gaslight into thinking the problem of perspective is yours.