He doesn’t want to marry

[StandingMirror]

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

@Plumplumbadum

I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . This is why he doesn't want to marry you. He knows you'd get half in a divorce. Also he has you staying at home doing all the work and looking after the kids. Man, he's got it made.

This.

He could change his will and his work pension tomorrow and you would know nothing about it .

He could throw you and your kids out on the street tomorrow has there’s nothing you can do.

You have been very foolish and need to get your act together now. As Pp said, get a job . He needs to organise and pay for childcare and start doing half the housework and wifework.

Propose to him. If he refuses present him with an invoice for past child-care and a contract covering future child care. Tell him it is one or the other and mean it.

Except that he isn't obliged to cough up if presented with an invoice! He'll just laugh in her face.

Yes the "common law wife" myth - we need to stop perpetuating that as a society.

There is no such thing, it does not exist, it is indeed a myth.

An invoice don’t be so daft. He’s not going to pony up is he.
Maybe he’ll invoice her too for the tasks he’s undertaken over the years
Bottom line is he’s not compelled to marry her

And why would one want to marry a man who doesn’t want marry you?

Op you have made some extremely poor decisions here. Got yourself into a very vulnerable position. The time to want to get married was a really long time ago, he's right in a way.
You need to make plans to secure your own future. As it stands he could kick you out with nothing.
How old are your DC? You have to look at getting a job/training/ working towards something. A sahm position was not a good choice for you.
Have you told him how you feel, about being so vulnerable?

@Vintagevixen yes! Common law wife isn’t a thing it has no standing

And why would one want to marry a man who doesn’t want marry you?

Financial security.

Sort your own finances and financial security instead of passively waiting on a man

He isn’t tight with money, he never said he would refuse to pay childcare it’s just that’s it’s so much more expensive than me providing care
It wouldn't only have been in the first few years.

It sounds like you could have gone back to work but chose not to.
.also, if you worked for 10 years, didn't you contribute to his mortgage? If you did, you might have an interest in the property. If you didn't, why didn't you invest what found have been half the mortgage/rent?

How old is your youngest?

And why would one want to marry a man who doesn’t want marry you?

Because one will end up living in a doorway eating breadcrumbs if one’s partner decides to end the relationship!

If he refuses present him with an invoice for past child-care and a contract covering future child care

This is a bit silly. He could first of all deduct 50% from the invoice as the children are half yours, then invoice you for all the years of "rent" and half the bills, cost of holidays, food you've eaten ... You may well end up in deficit!

[quote HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee]@Vintagevixen yes! Common law wife isn’t a thing it has no standing[/quote]
So many people believe it does though. I lost count of the number of friends and family who trotted out the "but aren't you his common law wife" line after my split because we had been together for so long.

Does not exist people!

Another one on the list of important relationship advise I'm going to be giving DD, and any young female within speaking distance!!!

One cannot compel an adult to marry them because they’ve unwisely not sorted their finances

I would be really quite concerned about being that financially dependent on him. Like pp said I would be trying to get a job so that you can build up some savings/pension etc of your own. If he decided to up and leave one day you would be left with nothing.
Good luck.

You need to get back to work pronto. The PP who gave a tip about podiatry spoke a lot of sense-do your research and come up with a career path that you can get into and which will deliver what you need it to. However, the posters who talk about just telling him he has to do half of all childcare, pick ups etc going forward....realistically most men in this situation will simply say no and other than leave the children at school until social services are called, which no mother will do, what does she actually do? That’s why this type of situation is so hard to get out of.

OP you’ve had some great advice on here and probably have a lot to think about. You need to have a very serious conversation with your partner where you lay your cards on the table that life as he knows it is over as you’ve had an epiphany about how bad your situation is. Don’t be fobbed off by a proposal and talk of a wedding ‘after covid’. Anything other than a confirmed booking in the next few weeks should be interpreted as him saying no, he will never marry you. And then make your decisions on that basis.

And I hope for goodness sake that reading this type of thread stops at least one lurker from sleepwalking into the same awful situation.

@PegasusReturns

MaskingForIt

And it is a registration office, not a registry office. Registries are for presents

Not in the U.K. it’s a registry office

It is officially registration office (look on your marriage certificate) but everyone says “registry office” and I don’t know why anyone would bother posting to object to the common parlance.

He doesn’t want to marry you because he stands to lose out if you divorce. Why on earth would you voluntarily make yourself so vulnerable?

What’s going to happen to you in the event that you split? Where are your financial assets?

You have dedicated years of hard graft in raising your children. But please safeguard yourself & get a job, so that you have an income. They won’t be in childcare forever, & you need to have some financial independence.

Marriage protects women in your situation, as you are legally his next of kin & are entitled to an equal share of all his assets should you split. Without this legally binding contract he could walk tomorrow & you’d be in real trouble.

Don’t leave your fate so entirely in the hands of someone else, no matter how much you love them. Life has ways of throwing us curved balls

@Plumplumbadum

I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . This is why he doesn't want to marry you. He knows you'd get half in a divorce. Also he has you staying at home doing all the work and looking after the kids. Man, he's got it made.

yip this 🌺

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

One cannot compel an adult to marry them because they’ve unwisely not sorted their finances

One should refuse to become financially vulnerable by refusing to have children before one gets married.

@Vintagevixen

Yes the "common law wife" myth - we need to stop perpetuating that as a society.

There is no such thing, it does not exist, it is indeed a myth.

I don’t think anyone has perpetuated it at any point in the last thirty years, have they?

”He has a will. I would inherit the house.”
He currently has a will. You currently would inherit the house.
I’ll say it again. He can change this at any time and you’d be non the wiser.

”If he was to die, I would get a pay out through his work and pension. That’s all in order.”
You are currently his beneficiary. He can change this at any time and you’d be non the wiser.

”He isn’t tight with money, he never said he would refuse to pay childcare it’s just that’s it’s so much more expensive than me providing care.”
He is tight - you’re looking at this from a team perspective.
He’s looking at what makes his life easier.
Think of your loss of earnings, pensions (state & private),in work benefits you could have had.
His gain for your loss of long term stability.

”We didn’t have children for the first 10 years Of our relationship, I worked those years. When I met him he already had a house and paid mortgage on it.”
So for 10yrs you paid into his house? Bills, food, maintenance, decorating, furniture (I’m assuming).
It’s a worse deal than renting.
Since then you have enabled his working life. All the pleasure of a family with minimum financial responsibilities.

RandomMess makes an excellent point.
I bet the bulk of his wage goes into the mortgage, pension contributions and bills (savings / investments?). All things that ultimately benefit him. Ok, you might get a holiday and jewellery - that’s not something you can pay a deposit / rent a home with. Think of all that money you’ve saved him by doing the childcare, contributing to the house before kids. Where has all that money gone...

Has he set you up with a pension, ISAs - anything? Thought not.

He’s placating you with the future carrot of the pension etc... it costs him nothing to promise you this. & it is just a promise. What would happen if the relationship failed in the near future? You would walk with nothing except CM.
You are fooling yourself if you are reassured by this cheap promise.

@StandingMirror

He has a will, I would inherit the house If he was to die, I would get a pay out through his work and pension That’s all in order He isn’t tight with money, he never said he would refuse to pay childcare it’s just that’s it’s so much more expensive than me providing care We didn’t have children for the first 10 years Of our relationship, I worked those years When I met him he already had a house and paid mortgage on it

So why didn’t you at least get your name in the house before you started having babies? Or if not that or marriage, why didn’t you keep working at least part time? You’ve really snookered yourself. I hope you find a way out. I’d start by doing whatever you need to do to refresh your CV, even if that means a new qualification.

At least threads like yours provide a service by warning younger women how you can end up destitute.