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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He doesn’t want to marry

610 replies

StandingMirror · 16/01/2021 10:18

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

OP posts:
Dugee · 16/01/2021 13:23

It is officially registration office (look on your marriage certificate) but everyone says “registry office”.

Yes, I've seen it written as registration office but only ever heard it spoken as registry office. One of the quirks of the English language (in the U.K.). Wondering if the poster who originally brought this up lives in an English speaking country that isn't the U.K., or perhaps English isn't her native language, so she hasn't come across this quirk before.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 13:24

Common law wife yes it’s a recurring mn trope, it pops up frequently
Unfortunately

jay55 · 16/01/2021 13:25

As the house is paid for and he has savings, he can afford childcare.

MaskingForIt · 16/01/2021 13:25

@MrsHusky

No, its a Registry Office. www.registryofficesnearme.com/registry-office/shrewsbury-registry-office

A private website can be as inaccurate as it likes. As a PP said, it is a register office. As you will find when you actually go to the website of Shrewsbury Register Office:
shropshire.gov.uk/births-and-marriages/ceremonies-in-shropshire/getting-married/#

PinkPandaBear · 16/01/2021 13:25

Is there a reason why:

  1. You gave up financial independence?
  2. You don’t have a career?
  3. The house and savings are all in his name, not joint names?

He probably doesn’t see a point now it’s been 18 years. If you married and divorced, he’d lose his finances. If you remained unmarried and he died or separated from you, then you would be very vulnerable. His assets would go to his DC and next of kin, which would be his parents.

81Byerley · 16/01/2021 13:26

You need to ask a solicitor about your rights in the event of your separation or his death. I think he doesn't want to marry for financial reasons.

Whiskysoda · 16/01/2021 13:26

Only you know if you want to bully him into marrying you or if you’d rather walk away.

You need to talk to him, let him know what it is you want? Do you want to marry even if he doesn’t? Then tell him “piss or get off the pot”
Do you want to walk away more than you want to be with him?

I think the most important thing is you must talk properly with him. Trouble is, after 18 years why would he want to buy the cow when he’s been getting the milk for free for ever! If you threaten to leave, you must be willing to go through with it.

I don’t blame you for wanting to be married.

Hugoslavia · 16/01/2021 13:27

I would point out that you do deserve it. That you would like to have the same surname as your children. That you deserve some financial security and that you deserve to feel wanted. Also, that you deserve to be happy and that marriage is important to you and would make you feel happy. What partner wouldn't wish to make you happy? If he's not planning on leaving you, then what's the problem in him agreeing to something that would make you happy.

BumbleBiscuit · 16/01/2021 13:28

@81Byerley You need to ask a solicitor about your rights in the event of your separation or his death. I think he doesn't want to marry for financial reasons

All a solicitor will tell her is she has no rights. It’s too late to fix this. The only option is to get a job and try and make up for lost time to reduce her chances of becoming destitute.

JerichosPenisInADeadChickHat · 16/01/2021 13:28

Well I wouldn't marry you either if I were in his position.

You really are very vulnerable here. First thing I'd do is get a full time job, how old are the kids? It's not your responsibility alone to provide childcare

ElspethFlashman · 16/01/2021 13:29

The will means nothing.

There's many a story of women who found out their partners had changed their wills unknownst to them. It's not like he has to tell you.

RickiTarr · 16/01/2021 13:29

@Hugoslavia

I would point out that you do deserve it. That you would like to have the same surname as your children. That you deserve some financial security and that you deserve to feel wanted. Also, that you deserve to be happy and that marriage is important to you and would make you feel happy. What partner wouldn't wish to make you happy? If he's not planning on leaving you, then what's the problem in him agreeing to something that would make you happy.
OTOH, she might not want to push it crunch point just yet, if she needs time to get back into work and save some money.
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 13:29

@StandingMirror why have you trundled along in this situation, waiting & hoping he’ll marry you
Why have you not worked?

Mumtoalittlegirl · 16/01/2021 13:29

Oh dear. Well I think it’s unlikely he will marry you at this point.

I think the best thing you can do here is sit him down, explain that you understand if he doesn’t want to get married. But TELL him you need more financial security, and as a SAHM absolutely deserve it. Tell him he needs to put your name on the house, and start contributing to a monthly pension- or consider opening a lifetime ISA. Also you need all accounts to be joint.

He could leave you at any point and you’d have nothing. It’s very very worrying for you and your children. Give him an ultimatum- it’s this or marriage.

I know this is awful to think about- but what would happen if he ran off with a younger woman in a couple of years, gets married in 6 months and leaves you with nothing? And probably starts a new family. It happens all the time unfortunately.

VodselForDinner · 16/01/2021 13:29

He has a will, I would inherit the house

And how are you going to pay for the tax you’ll owe on the property, give you don’t work and have limited savings? If you were his wife, you’d inherit freely. As his girlfriend, you won’t have that benefit.

If he was to die, I would get a pay out through his work and pension

Fine if he dies while still employed, but if he retires from work and dies after a long retirement, you’re likely to end up with very little as he won’t have death-in-service cover, and there’ll be little if nothing left in terms of a survivors payment from his pension.

People say marriage is just a piece of paper, but so is a massive invoice from HRMC.

MaskingForIt · 16/01/2021 13:30

@StandingMirror

He has a will, I would inherit the house If he was to die, I would get a pay out through his work and pension That’s all in order He isn’t tight with money, he never said he would refuse to pay childcare it’s just that’s it’s so much more expensive than me providing care We didn’t have children for the first 10 years Of our relationship, I worked those years When I met him he already had a house and paid mortgage on it
If his mortgage is paid off and he savings and an inheritance, then money can’t be that tight.

He needs to use some of his money to pay for childcare while you get back to work and build up a pension for yourself.

VinylDetective · 16/01/2021 13:30

[quote MaskingForIt]@MrsHusky

No, its a Registry Office. www.registryofficesnearme.com/registry-office/shrewsbury-registry-office

A private website can be as inaccurate as it likes. As a PP said, it is a register office. As you will find when you actually go to the website of Shrewsbury Register Office:
shropshire.gov.uk/births-and-marriages/ceremonies-in-shropshire/getting-married/#[/quote]
Oh do pipe down. It’s irrelevant what it’s called.

SomewhatBored · 16/01/2021 13:31

A 'registry' office, in the past, used to be a place where domestic servants registered for potential employers to find them. Possibly that's where the usage originates from.

Userzzz · 16/01/2021 13:31

You need to find a job. At least then you’ll have a leg to stand on if you give him an ultimatum. Without any independence, he holds all the cards.
Good luck!

BumbleBiscuit · 16/01/2021 13:32

@Mumtoalittlegirl I think the best thing you can do here is sit him down, explain that you understand if he doesn’t want to get married. But TELL him you need more financial security, and as a SAHM absolutely deserve it. Tell him he needs to put your name on the house, and start contributing to a monthly pension- or consider opening a lifetime ISA. Also you need all accounts to be joint

She can tell him until she’s blue in the face unlike OP he’s not an idiot. There is no way he’s going to put her name on the house deeds etc. That’s the WHOLE reason he’s not marrying her so why would he do any of that?

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 13:32

People say marriage is just a piece of paper, but so is a massive invoice from HRMC
Yes! Women need to make informed choices about cohabitation & marriage
Chose whatever you wish but avail yourself with all the information

And don’t spend your adult life waiting on a man to financially sort you out.

AhNowTed · 16/01/2021 13:33

@AuntyFungal agree 100%.

And can we drop the registry office pedantry shit. There's a serious issue here.

notanothertakeaway · 16/01/2021 13:36

@micc

Reading this is scary!! My and OH are not married and we have 2 kids. We have nothing though Haha, we rent and live pay check to pay check. I was full time with my first DD but I'm looking to be part time potentially SAHM when my mat leave ends. Owning a house is the goal and we are currently saving. Marriage is something we have spoken about, we both just cant be bothered. Is it something I should consider more seriously? I dont think hes against it we just haven't really thought it was important....
If neither of you have any assets, then perhaps marriage wouldn't offer financial security. Half of nothing is nothing. But, if you are a SAHM and your DP works, then at some point it's likely he will have more £ than you

So many people sneer at marriage, perhaps thinking it's old fashioned / uncool, but people should be able to make informed decisions

MaskingForIt · 16/01/2021 13:38

@VodselForDinner People say marriage is just a piece of paper, but so is a massive invoice from HRMC.

Haha, I know you’re making a joke but this is actually such a good way of explaining it.

Much like house deeds, your car’s V5, a £50 note. All just pieces of paper, but they are worth and mean so much.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 13:38

I love this notion, that op just tells him and that’s that. He’s canny
He’s never going to marry her. He’s made an active decision