Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He doesn’t want to marry

610 replies

StandingMirror · 16/01/2021 10:18

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

OP posts:
Oversize · 16/01/2021 12:22

That's all very well but what if turns out to be one of those men whose mid life crisis ends in ditching you for a younger model. It happens and it happens to women who would never believe their partners/husbands would ever be capableof such a thing. If your kids are 18+ you could be left with absolutely nothing. You're taking a massive risk.

MintyMabel · 16/01/2021 12:22

What are your reasons for getting married? Is it for stability in the relationship? Is it for financial protection? Is it because you believe that’s what families do? What are his reasons for not getting married? If it’s the money then do you really want to be with him? If it isn’t the money, would he put your name on the deed for the house? If you aren’t fussed about the finances, you could agree not to take a share if you split. I don’t think it’s as simple as saying you aren’t good enough, without knowing what your and his reasons are.

It never occurred to me that financially stability was a reason to get married, I wanted marriage before we had kids because if he wasn’t prepared to commit to me, I didn’t want to have a family with him. I’m not naive enough to think that meant we were forever, but the fact that he was prepared to commit was enough for me.

CakeRequired · 16/01/2021 12:23

@StandingMirror

He has a will, I would inherit the house If he was to die, I would get a pay out through his work and pension That’s all in order He isn’t tight with money, he never said he would refuse to pay childcare it’s just that’s it’s so much more expensive than me providing care We didn’t have children for the first 10 years Of our relationship, I worked those years When I met him he already had a house and paid mortgage on it
That is at least slightly better than your first post. But do remember op, wills can be changed, and you don't need to be able to see those changes happening or what they are. And the workplace stuff can be changed or argued against by a member of family, but they'd hopefully struggle with that one.

Point is, it's not as secure as marriage, but you're never going to get that so it's better than nothing.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2021 12:23

You didn't feel insulted that he wouldn't marry you after being together for 10 years, before you had children? That should have been a huge red flag.

Pinkyandthebrainz · 16/01/2021 12:23

Threads like this pop up every couple of weeks. Sorry OP but in his shoes I wouldn't marry you. House paid off, savings, family already established without any commitment. Why would he? That's not to say you don't deserve a marriage, and if he truly loves you he will.

Vintagevixen · 16/01/2021 12:25

OP I say this from experience - you are in a precarious position here.

When I split from Ex P (not married) I was only ok because I had insisted that my name was always on the house - though we did buy together. If I hadn't been I would have been so screwed over despite doing the majority of the child raising, compromising my earnings etc.

As it was he got a better deal than me, not on house equity, but other assets. And of course he has left 99% of the parenting up to me. He has systematically screwed me over on child maintenance, lying about his income and hiding behind a limited company.

If I could go back in time I would have a stiff word with my younger self about marriage and the risks of having children without it.

Wills can be changed without your prior knowledge I really wouldn't rely on that.

Sorry - females really need to be taught this stuff from adolescence, I will certainly be teaching DD many lessons about the legals of marriage and child rearing....

VinylDetective · 16/01/2021 12:26

@Dugee

DP and I aren't married. We met in our late 30s though and I don't want to get married because I've accrued more property and pension wealth than he has. I also earn about twice as much as him. I'd also be concerned because he has a daughter to his ex and I wouldn't want to risk divorcing and his daughter being seen as a child of the family - meaning I would have to have to pay maintenance to DP for her.

I've got nothing to gain from marriage and a lot to lose if that marriage was followed by divorce.

In which case your position is completely the opposite of OP’s and completely irrelevant.
Hailtomyteeth · 16/01/2021 12:26

The register office is for marriages and the registry (office) is for storage of the records. Some register offices are also registries but not all. Sometimes there is just one registry per county. Where I am (Berkshire) the register office is in the town hall and the registry office is the other side of town and no longer a marriage venue. However Registry Office when referring to a marriage venue is in common usage, in England at least.
Thank you!

RandomMess · 16/01/2021 12:28

Even if he married he can protect his inheritance by never spending it on things that benefit the "family" such as the house and day to day living costs.

All you can ask is whether or not he values your contribution to looking after the DC so he could work without incurring childcare costs and not doing 50% of all the domestic and parenting stuff?

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 16/01/2021 12:29

The marriage ship has long sailed. Your partner has ringfenced his money and looked out for himself. Sorry op but there isn't going to be a happy ending here.

sabrinathemiddleagewitch · 16/01/2021 12:33

@WhereamI88

Get your ducks in a row, including your CV, put kids in childcare and get a job. Future is looking bleak and you'd be an absolute mug to stick around as a SAHM.
100% agree

You've got yourself into such a vulnerable position and you know it. That's why you want to marry to get half of the money. What if he broke up with you tomorrow? genuinely what would you do?

Sort yourself out you're an adult, you know about finances and pensions and if you don't then learn. Get a job

micc · 16/01/2021 12:36

Reading this is scary!! My and OH are not married and we have 2 kids. We have nothing though Haha, we rent and live pay check to pay check. I was full time with my first DD but I'm looking to be part time potentially SAHM when my mat leave ends. Owning a house is the goal and we are currently saving. Marriage is something we have spoken about, we both just cant be bothered. Is it something I should consider more seriously? I dont think hes against it we just haven't really thought it was important....

Vintagevixen · 16/01/2021 12:38

Agreed - start thinking about work. Another reason why I was ok was that I had always kept on working, albeit part time within the childcare limits he/his job imposed on me.

So I am still able to earn my own money.

ChronicallyCurious · 16/01/2021 12:39

I agree with all PP.

You need to protect yourself here. Do what PP said and draw up a list of all responsibilities and tell him which half he’s doing and get yourself a job ASAP. Tell him that he’ll either have to contribute to caring for the children or paying for the childcare. If he asks what this is about tell him the truth that you’ve realised you’ve got no financial security and you’re making that for yourself.

florascotia2 · 16/01/2021 12:39

micc Here is some useful and impartial information about the legal diffeences between marriage and living together:

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/

VinylDetective · 16/01/2021 12:41

@micc

Reading this is scary!! My and OH are not married and we have 2 kids. We have nothing though Haha, we rent and live pay check to pay check. I was full time with my first DD but I'm looking to be part time potentially SAHM when my mat leave ends. Owning a house is the goal and we are currently saving. Marriage is something we have spoken about, we both just cant be bothered. Is it something I should consider more seriously? I dont think hes against it we just haven't really thought it was important....
Yes it is something you should be doing more than thinking about. Hopefully this thread will have made you see just how important that “piece of paper” is.
Nanny0gg · 16/01/2021 12:41

@AIMD

Can I ask....any knowledgable. Would op not have any claim simply because they aren’t married? I thought I’d you had lives together for a substantial amount of time as “common law partner” (if that’s the right term) you could still claim some of their assets.
No such thing
Dugee · 16/01/2021 12:41

@VinylDetective

Yes my position is the opposite of OP's, as I am in her DP's position. I'm not getting married and I can see from his perspective why he won't either, so my comment isn't irrelevant.

Brefugee · 16/01/2021 12:42

Ah right. That’s terrible. You’d think that regardless of marriage if someone had contributed to someone’s child care, quality of their family life etc for that long they’d have some legal protection.

Why do you think gay people campaigned for so long and so hard for marriage rights? The legal protection wasn't the only reason but it was a huge driver for that.

And for PP who think a SAHP contributes nothing. Meh. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Sure the DP could probably manage perfectly well working FT as a single parent using childcare, housekeepers and cleaners but right now he gets that for free. OP keeps his life uncomplicated for him to work, earn money and build up assets.

Marriage always used to be a financial contract, it still is in many respects although (yaay) women have won the right (mostly) to choose for ourselves who we marry, if at all.

If we assume that OP's DP does love her, a conversation about her worries about being left destitute if he died or left her shouldn't lead to the silent treatment (in the way the marrige one has). It should lead to constructive ideas from both sides. And if not? OP needs urgent, independent legal and financial advice. And to get a job.
And also to keep finances separate with both paying into a household account (which also covers childcare).

GirlsBlouse17 · 16/01/2021 12:44

How do you get on with his family OP? Have they ever mentioned anything about you getting married?

RantyAnty · 16/01/2021 12:45

@micc

Yes, definitely consider marriage now.
If he's worth marrying that is.

Do it before buying a house with him.

MaskingForIt · 16/01/2021 12:45

common law marriage

Ah right. That’s terrible. You’d think that regardless of marriage if someone had contributed to someone’s child care, quality of their family life etc for that long they’d have some legal protection.

@AIMD Not at all. Legal agreements should be voluntarily entered into. Forcing a legal change on someone is not a good thing.

GreyPony · 16/01/2021 12:47

Agreeing with sabrinathemiddleagewitch’s post.

There is no point looking back now, he is unlikely to marry you at this point (sorry to be harsh). I am hoping you and the kids are young in which case you have years to accumulate some money for yourself. Get a job asap. You need to start looking out for yourself as you have no security.

Thelnebriati · 16/01/2021 12:49

StandingMirror
There's a really good point made on the first page; are you up to date with your National Insurance contributions?

Chuckleknuckles · 16/01/2021 12:50

My goodness you’re vulnerable. He has nothing to gain and everything to lose financially by marriage. You need to get a job unless you marry. You are in a supremely vulnerable position.
Having the kids out of wedlock was your first error but now that it’s done, you either need to get married or get a job.