He doesn’t want to marry

[StandingMirror]

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

You leave him and leave the children with him and have contact at weekends / holidays etc... yes this is controversial but you are playing £ and career catch up. I’m guessing you’re 40ish, no pension, limited mortgage options, career progression

If you can bring yourself to do this it’s 100% the most likely to get you what you want long term.
DP will be totally slapped in the face with the reality of exactly what he could do to you at any point. It’s turning the tables.

‘When I left my job and had your children I did so assuming we would build a life together, including joint assets and savings. That hasn’t happened. You now have everything and I have nothing, no security. If you won’t marry me I have to go out and get myself a property, savings, job and pension. It’s your turn to look after the children. I want to see them every other weekend and will pay appreciate CM.’

He’ll either shit himself and agree to marry you or you’ll gain some independence and security anyway x

This is a rather bleak thread but honest at least, OP.

Get back into work as a stepping stone, speak to a solicitor, haul ass outta there!

After 18 years it’s not going to change, is it? He’s got you exactly where he wants you, ie completely dependent on him with no right to any assets. You handed him the power and all the cards in 2002 and he’s not going to hand any of it back again. Unfortunately the marriage ship appears to have sailed. What’s in it for him?

I remember one of my friends telling her partner quite clearly that pregnancy was out of the question until she’d got a wedding ring on her finger. Strangely they were married very soon afterwards.

Railroading anyone into a marriage is not a good idea.

And, for those saying 'book a register office and surprise him on the day' that's simply not how it works.
Both parties have to 'give notice' at least 29 days before the ceremony, and attend the register office with documentary proofs of status, residence, identity etc. www.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships/give-notice

Wow you’ve chosen a high risk lifestyle, he could make you homeless any minute. Believe him, he’s not interested, and work from there to have even the tiniest bit of security, you need to get a job immediately and find a home for yourself. JFC, this is awful.

Ouch. I don't care if it's a registry (yes, that's what we call it), registration, registrar's or whatever.

OP, you're up shit creek without a paddle at the moment. You could be sent on your way with your children and happy memories, and he keeps the rest. You'll get a bit of child maintenance but I'd bet he'd find a way to make it a fiver a week each.

Do NOT book a wedding and tell him (or trick him) to turn up. There's every chance he's done this deliberately to keep any financial assets to himself.

So, now you're awake and you realise your mistakes, you need to talk to him. Once. Is there someone else who can look after the children while you do that?

Tell him you know how vulnerable your position is and you want it putting right. A quick, no-nonsense wedding, almost immediately. Your name on the deeds of the house, see a solicitor together in the coming week. Your contribution to the family recognised. Or.

Or you find out how to accommodate your children and yourself, and how to support them, and crack on with it.

If he does comply with the marriage and finances... still, get yourself a job and never, ever get into this position again.

I wish you luck.

He’s not compelled to marry you. Much as you want it if he’s not want to that’s that

There’s no point in wasting money on a solicitor, unmarried people have zero rights or legal protections, OP isn’t even on her boyfriends mortgage. She’ll need every penny to get herself a secure place to live.

@evenBetter

There’s no point in wasting money on a solicitor, unmarried people have zero rights or legal protections, OP isn’t even on her boyfriends mortgage. She’ll need every penny to get herself a secure place to live.

Generally yes, but it depends on the particular finances of the situation and any conversations which took place over the years. There are avenues, they just aren't easy to find and don't apply to every situation.

A free one hour initial conversation should be had before simply giving up and declaring herself homeless to the council.

He’ll either shit himself and agree to marry you or you’ll gain some independence and security anyway
Or maybe he'd do like many single parents do, continue to work FT, children in childcare and realise that although hard its far from impossible.

It always makes me laugh when mothers assume men would inevitably fall apart if the became single parent.

In the UK we commonly always use 'Registry Office'. And 'wedding List'. Get over yourself.

Actually it’s a Register Office.

He is protecting his assets and that's why he doesn't to marry. You are also not next of kin to each other.
Personally I'll ask him strait and you want an answer.
The older you get the more vulnerable you are going to be.

You have been a complete and utter idiot of course there are excuses you can make about childcare (I'm assuming he refused to pay it that would be your first clue) you need to recognise this fully and make plans of how to protect yourself.

You not alone by any stretch but not even being in the house is at the extreme level even for MN

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow that's the theory but in practice women tend to end with nothing when they stay at home.

You’re in a very precarious financial position here. He has played a blinder. Marriage or no, you need to firm up financial provision, but I have a hunch he won’t do that either...

He’ll either shit himself and agree to marry you or you’ll gain some independence and security anyway

Or maybe he'd do like many single parents do, continue to work FT, children in childcare and realise that although hard its far from impossible. It always makes me laugh when mothers assume men would inevitably fall apart if the became single parent

My Mum (SAHM) walked out on the family and my Dad absolutely shone at this time! Despite working every hour under the sun, we were well looked after and cared for and he continued to make a ton of money and my mum ended up destitute.

OP why have you been happy for so many years with absolutely no financial security?

DP and I aren't married. We met in our late 30s though and I don't want to get married because I've accrued more property and pension wealth than he has. I also earn about twice as much as him. I'd also be concerned because he has a daughter to his ex and I wouldn't want to risk divorcing and his daughter being seen as a child of the family - meaning I would have to have to pay maintenance to DP for her.

I've got nothing to gain from marriage and a lot to lose if that marriage was followed by divorce.

In your position I'd check with a solicitor what would happen if you split and then work out what legal documentation you would need to have drawn up so you aren't left penniless and without a pension etc if you did.

Also I would be looking for a job. No woman should leave herself vulnerable to penury. Does he have a will? What happens if he suddenly drops dead?

When you have the information you need - present your findings to your DP and ask him to pick between the options that protect you (and him) in the case of a split, whether that's marriage or watertight legal documents.

And if he's still reluctant: time to reconsider your relationship.

I can see why he doesn’t want to marry tbh, if you divorce he will lose at least half of everything. I’m in the same position as him.been with partner years and have kids and a business together but the house is mortgage free in my name and I don’t want to marry because if we ever divorce he would get half of it. There’s no way I would risk that.

The register office is for marriages and the registry (office) is for storage of the records. Some register offices are also registries but not all. Sometimes there is just one registry per county. Where I am (Berkshire) the register office is in the town hall and the registry office is the other side of town and no longer a marriage venue. However Registry Office when referring to a marriage venue is in common usage, in England at least.

I agree that OK it's vulnerable but there isn't much to be done about it. There is no benefit of marriage to her partner unless he wanted to ensure some greater financial protection for her, which he doesn't seem to care about. So there isn't much to be done, except hope this post needs as a warning to other young women who think marriage is "just a piece of paper" and that they would be cool and modern to have babies whilst unmarried.

Not all men who refuse marriage and have all the assets in their name do it with evil intent because they plan to leave you high a no dry at some point. Sometimes it is unthinking or because of patriarchal ideas about assets, but regardless of the motive it does leave you vulnerable.

Some men, when this is explained to them clearly, are willing to move assets because their intent isn’t to leave you vulnerable and they have no intention to boot you out penniless. It’s surprising how many people both men and women are clueless about this stuff.

Young women need to know about having assets in both names and the importance of voicing a desire for marriage at some point in life early on, if that’s what they want. Lack of knowledge and lack of communication is what lets situations like the OPs arise...and once they e gone on for 18 years, it is very hard to sort out to the satisfaction of all.

He has a will, I would inherit the house
If he was to die, I would get a pay out through his work and pension
That’s all in order
He isn’t tight with money, he never said he would refuse to pay childcare it’s just that’s it’s so much more expensive than me providing care
We didn’t have children for the first 10 years Of our relationship, I worked those years
When I met him he already had a house and paid mortgage on it

My friend was in this situation, she and her partner lived together for over 20 years in his house, she was a SAHM. Everything in his name, he refused to get married. Then she inherited a couple of hundred thousand pounds and surprise surprise he proposed.

He really isn't going to.

As you know, the time for marriage would have been maybe 15 years ago.

You didn't say how old your DC are but now is the time to fix your situation for yourself.

Research some courses in STEM or something that pays well.
Then enrol and make it a priority to graduate, do internships or whatever you need to do to get a good-paying job.

Your boyfriend can pay for the childcare and also step up to do school runs etc.

You'll be able to save a lot of money and eventually get on the property ladder yourself.

You may stay with him or not. It won't really matter as you'll have your own nest egg and won't be dependant on him in old age.