He doesn’t want to marry

[StandingMirror]

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

Op I think I would say you have just realised how vunerable this leaves you if he were to leave so you will return to work and he will have to take his share if childcare costs and responsibility etc as well. Then at least you can earn , pay towards bills etc and save some money just incase.
Unless marriage means that much that if he won't consider it then you have to ask if your happy with that or not and only you know the answer

So sorry he’s done this op.

So sorry he’s done this op

He hasn’t done anything. She has brought this entirely on herself.

Yabu he had told you his he feels and it is up to you to decide if this is a deal breaker as you both want different things. He doesn’t have to get married if he doesn’t want ti. You now need to decide what to do with this.

Moral of the story, don’t give up your career unless you’re married and even then it’s not a great idea!! ⬅️Yes

@BumbleBiscuit but that childcare is not free is it , childcare for 3 children is expensive alongside having a housekeeper as well.
When I was a sahm it benefited my dh hugely , childcare for 2 would of been almost what he earned , as well as he never had to call in sock when kids were ill , or leave work early to collect them , all things that do slow your career down.
Infact as he started at 8 left at 7 am childcare would of been impossible near enough at the time.
So yes My dh would say he benefited me being a sahm and was a joint decision but then he isn't a dick and realises it would of been harder.
Yes people can do it their own and do everyday but generally ots easier doing it in a equal partnership

@BumbleBiscuit are you a man?

OP you may be able to prove having some degree of ‘beneficial interest’ in the property especially having raised children, looked after the home and enabled him to go to work. If the worst came to it.

If you’re not married or in a civil partnership, or you haven’t sorted out what happens to your home, you might still be able to prove your right to the home if you can prove you have a 'beneficial interest'. This usually means you've contributed to the home financially.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

But you can’t rely on it. He obviously knows what he’s doing doesn’t he. But I would get some advice if I were you. At least CAB, or LBC has a free legal phone in once a week with a great solicitor. He talks about these things. You don’t have to use your real name. And yes work on financial independence without rocking the boat just yet

@BumbleBiscuit

I think women very often place too much value on their role, particularly SAHM. The “I gave up my career to raise HIS kids” argument is bonkers. Many men, if they need to, make excellent single parents and can not only continue to work and earn money but care for the children too.

The men aren’t solely surviving because of the woman. They’d make it work without you and probably still achieve what they had achieved with or without you.

Moral of the story, don’t give up your career unless you’re married and even then it’s not a great idea!!

I agree, and I think their argument hinges on an assumption that the men desperately wanted to have the children - so saying he couldn’t possibly have had his family without me. In some cases that’s true, many men very much want kids and actively pursue that, but in many cases it’s the woman pushing for a baby and the man is fairly nonplussed. That’s why a lot of men don’t really see the woman having given up her career etc as something she’s done or sacrificed for them. They see it as her having got the children she wanted and the time with them. A generalisation which won’t be true for many of course, but the imbalance starts very early from the very fact that if a woman demanded better treatment/equal input from the bloke in order to have a baby, many men would shrug and be fine with not having a baby whereas many, many women want babies so much that they wouldn’t refuse to have one if the man doesn’t do his bit (such as get married and share all assets).

@donewithitalltodayandxmas are you a man?

Not when I last checked!

@BumbleBiscuit are you a man?
Are you asking Because she’s not handwringing that op has entitlements as a woman and a mother?
Unfortunately this is what it is, and op is in a precarious position

Op think what you really want though and just slowly make sure you work on having some financial independence just incase.
My brother wonMt marry his partner and not for financial reasons he just has always said he never wants to marry .
So his partner has had to accept that now as she realises he won't change his mind.
They have no financial assets as yet ( due to buy ) but I know she found it hard as she would like to marry , but my brother is just always been against it. ( not sure why ) .
Maybe your partner hasn't even considered the financial part and just really doesn't want marriage for some reason.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

She can’t expect to earn and live Rent free in his house using the utilities They’d have to have a tenant and LL type contract Or she lives elsewhere and pay market rent and utilities bills

Of course she can. It’s not a bloody business arrangement.

@MaskingForIt really is a persistent and pedantic dickhead - registry office is probably most commonly used phrase - and google brings up a variety.

Hardly addressing the OPs concerns.

When I was a sahm it benefited my dh hugely , childcare for 2 would of been almost what he earned
Surely not after you could claim the 30h so only a couple of years after which having two incomes would certainly have made it worth it financially.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee no just wondering as inplying that any sahm has nit helped her dh / partner out is crap and is a put down to sahm/p in general.
Often one person staying home can mean more family money as coat of childcare can outweigh even 2 wages.
My dh would if had to have a change of career if He had to go alone as he needed to leave before 7am and overnight stays , finish late no notice , childcare wouldn't cover this and a Nanny would of been all his wages.
Plus OP has worked in the relationship so will of contributed as well at times .
Im glad I have a DH who is appreciative of me being a sahm for 5 years as he knows this was a benefit more to him than me.

@dontdisturbmenow there was no such thing 16 years ago of claiming 30 hrs

@dontdisturbmenow its also
Not just a couple if years of you have 2 or 3 children its 4/6 years

If you're provided for in the event of his death, cyanide, blunt instrument, rearrange the car breaks?

At this stage, worrying about "the proposal" seems academic (not wishing to split hairs and seem as big a twat as maskingforit).

Is Civil Partnership an option?

Failing that, leave and let him sort childcare, home schooling, housekeeping, cooking.....

If you've been a SAHM for several years, it's not the greatest time to change that, but is it essential that you don't work if the children are all at school?

[quote donewithitalltodayandxmas]@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee no just wondering as inplying that any sahm has nit helped her dh / partner out is crap and is a put down to sahm/p in general.
Often one person staying home can mean more family money as coat of childcare can outweigh even 2 wages.
My dh would if had to have a change of career if He had to go alone as he needed to leave before 7am and overnight stays , finish late no notice , childcare wouldn't cover this and a Nanny would of been all his wages.
Plus OP has worked in the relationship so will of contributed as well at times .
Im glad I have a DH who is appreciative of me being a sahm for 5 years as he knows this was a benefit more to him than me.[/quote]
I don’t think she was implying that it doesn’t help the man. Just saying that it isn’t essential and that if the wife didn’t become a SAHM or the bloke was left alone for some reason, there are other ways to obtain childcare and keep a house going. Yes they cost money but childcare for a couple of years before school and then some wrap around care probably isn’t a million miles from the cost of fully supporting another adult for a decade or more.

@dontdisturbmenow i was able to claim 15 hrs the term after my eldest was 3 but I had another ds by then , the reason I had them close was partly to do with having less time off work , when my youngest was 3 I went back to work a couple evenings so I could earn and have no childcare still and my dh wasn't on a great wage then as he retrained later on so was still in early years of this. Then when my youngest went to school I luckily got a job that was school hrs. Now my dh earns a good wage as he is experienced in his field. I am out of work again due to covid but he doesn't begrudge supporting me now whilst I look for employment as he had a spell where work dried up and we lived on my wage , isn't that what partnerships/ marriage : relationships should be like .

I’ve realised I probably sound really anti SAHMs which isn’t my intention at all. The arrangement can be wonderful and make for a chilled out and happy family. I’m just against the way that a lot of women claim that everything their working husband has achieved is down to them when in all honesty they have made it easier....in return for full financial support for years, which isn’t nearly such a one sided arrangement.

@WhateverJudy it really doesn't cost that much to feed another adult compared to childcare and its also being available drop of a hat to pick up a sick child from school/ nursery and will limit jobs people can do.
A full time nanny would cost way more than providing for another adult living in your house , one that is also going to provide eventually.
After all the law looks at the contribution a sahm makes , yet people on mumsnet fail to see this .
Yes people do it alone all the time and usually women , but it is harder than doing it with support and funnily not so many women have top jobs and promotions , why is that ?

there was no such thing 16 years ago of claiming 30 hrs
16 years ago, childcare was more affordable. You could also claim up to 70% of costs up to quite a high level of uncome.I had two children still in nursery when I became a single mum. I was able to work FT and afford childcare.

I don't buy the 'we couldn't afford childcare'. I also don't understand how decision can be made on the basis of a few years when ultimately, that decision will have an impact for many more years. There are still many years to enjoy after the kids have left home and it will easier to have a better paid job when only a few years have been taken as a sahm, also easier to consider retiring early.

@WhateverJudy I said exactly that it made it easier for my dh and he also acknowledges that. He wouldn't of got where he is without hardwork but also would of been a difficult road without me taking time out and even upon returning to work having a job around school hours and being the one taking time off when kids were sick etc.
Every case will be different but I don't think I was getting to live for free either , because I had a brief time I didn't financially contribute , I still was making a contribution to out family in another way.