He doesn’t want to marry

[StandingMirror]

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

its also being available drop of a hat to pick up a sick child from school/ nursery and will limit jobs people can do
You'd think that children are ill all the time on MN! Most kids are not too poorly to go to school very often. When they are, mum and dad can take time off as carers, or holidays.

It really is just another excuse.

@WhateverJudy I’m just against the way that a lot of women claim that everything their working husband has achieved is down to them when in all honesty they have made it easier....in return for full financial support for years, which isn’t nearly such a one sided arrangement

Totally agree. My (SAHM) Mum said ‘see how easy you find it without me’ to my Dad as she walked out and he fucking killed it! 🤣 Literally smashed it. Couldn’t have been a better father to us three girls (11, 10 and 7 at the time) whilst at the same time progressing rapidly in his career.

@dontdisturbmenow well single parents had a different right to childcare than a married couple.
I looked at staying in my job and I would of had £10 a week left after childcare and had to run a car.
Just because you was entitled doesn't mean everyone was.
I was a sahm for 5 years ( one year worked evenings though so technically 4 )

Saying that, of course many fathers are very happy for their wife to be sahm and share all their income and assets, and that's absolutely fine.

But in the case if OP, he has made no move towards marriage and hinted that he would pay towards childcare which hints that he wasn't so happy that OP was a sahm.

@dontdisturbmenow there was no time off for carers years ago and in the building trade you don't go in you don't get paid .

Isn't here that if if lived certain time together then you are entitled 50%?

Honestly, StandingMirror, I find this thread a bit bonkers.

Out in the real world, you are a real person, valuable and cherished.

And, unless your husband is an actual Rolling Stone, your partner is quite aware he stands to lose a lot if he seriously pisses you off.

And, likewise, you want to sort this out.

The texting makes me think he's a bit passive. Likes to dodge serious issues. Leaves a lot of the big decisions to you.

It's going to be tricky to have the conversations you need to have but you're both grown-ups, with children. You can do it.

(And I reckon that you're the sort of person who will make any decision work. It's a big deal to decide on children and take the IVF route. I reckon if you can manage that, this is going to be a walk in the park.)

well single parents had a different right to childcare than a married couple
That's the case. It was based on household income, single or not.

I too didn't have much left over after everything paid, however, I gained experience which resulted in a promotion by the time my second started school, which I wouldn't have been able to apply for if I hadn't remained in work.

It goes round in circles, there is a difference in sharing the wealth created in a relationship and marriage and being entitled to an established wealth through marriage. The grand parents created this wealth, they have helped support the lifestyle and choices of the family.They left their money to their grandson. He has chosen not to get married and not to add the OP to the deeds as he sees this money as his and does not form part of their relationship. Lots of people see inheritance this way. Being a SAHM is benefiting their lifestyle but it has not created the wealth in question. It’s difficult and horrid for the OP and not a position I would want for myself. But understanding there is two sides to this relationship and two points of view is how to move forward.

@dontdisturbmenow my dh also had a period of self emplyment no holidays , no sick pay , no time off to care . Its not always so black and white. Also many jobs make it very hard to take time off what legally may be allowed and what happens on the real world.
I once was took time off a job to be with my ds in hospital and I had a bollocking at work over it and was overlooked for things after that.

@dontdisturbmenow no it was based on more than income do you not think we looked into it ? Because yes we did , why do you think many people take a career break and you didn't all get 70% it was upto . I know my situation you know yours

there was no time off for carers years ago and in the building trade you don't go in you don't get paid
Yes there was, unpaid but it existed. Again, it all comes down to I vestment to the future. If OP had continued to work, she might have been able to save much more by now, and maybe even buy her own property leaving her in a much better position.

The years when childcare wipes almost everything are much fewer than the years when there is no more childcare costs.

no it was based on more than income do you not think we looked into it ? Because yes we did , why do you think many people take a career break and you didn't all get 70% it was upto . I know my situation you know yours
Yet most kids in nursery had mums on lowish salaries working PT. Tax credits were very generous unless the household income was high enough in which case, childcare could be afforded.

@dontdisturbmenow well my dh would if been sacked simple as that if he had to keep taking time off, and also was unpaid even if he had , how would he have managed . 2 weeks off for chicken pox per child , several hospital operations and stays, general sickness bugs etc as we had no family around to help.
Parental leave may be allowed but its not always looked on favourably , I knew of many who working wasn't financially worth ot and others who it was

@dontdisturbmenow so explain how our income was £180 a week and we got £35 tax credits , how is that high.
Granted as the scheme was out longer it got a little better

@dontdisturbmenow your only seeing things from how it worked for you basically accusing me of lying ? My dh earnt £180-200 when kids were tiny a week as was paid weekly , unless couldn't go in then was unpaid. So not a high earner Op hasn't been a sahm for 18 years she said she has worked as well at different periods.

OP, do you really want to end your relationship because he won't marry you? Are things good between you otherwise?

I have been with my partner for 22 years. We are not married. We have a house together and a child. I quite liked the idea of getting married, my partner was 100% against it.

Unlike your partner, mine was very clear on his reasons why not. And I was able to see his viewpoint and respect that.

Also, our house, and mortgage, and bank account are all in joint names.

Can you talk to him about your reasons for wanting to get married if he can't vocalise his reasons for NOT?

I agree with PP that the financial situation is concerning and if I were you I would be requesting that everything was in joint names, now. I think that is the least he can do to show his commitment to you and his family.

I am a very oldie. Why should men marry nowadays when they can get their nooky without providing even an engagement ring?

@JER27

I am a very oldie. Why should men marry nowadays when they can get their nooky without providing even an engagement ring?

That was my late mum's attitude too.

There was someone who posted on here about her best friend. She was with her boyfriend for 25 or so years and four children. He had gone from a low level office worker to a hedge fund manager in the city of london. She ran the whole show at home and made his life comfortable so he could achieve at work. All assets in his name. He didn't believe in marriage. When he was middle aged he met a beautiful Eastern European model half his age on a business trip. He had an affair and then dumped his middle aged girlfriend. Married the model after 12 weeks of split because ' marriage is important to her' which I think meant the model would dump him without marriage. She had 18 months until the youngest turned 18 and then had to remove herself from the house which now belonged to her ex and his wife. I think a friend let her live in their holiday home or something. The new wife was mid twenties so entirely possible a new family would be raised in what was once family home. The poster intended this as a cautionary tale because becoming destitute was not fun for her friend. Please go back to uni or get any job!!!

Let’s be clear women don’t need an engagement ring to be sexually active
We can have sex because we want to,because we like it without seeking or needing the so called legitimacy of an engagement ring

boulshired But the OP's partner HAS chosen to have children. And he has a lifelong responsibility for them. That includes childcare in its widest sense when they are young, which, from OP's account, she has provided. The OP's partner also chose to have a relationship with OP. That also brings with it caring responsibilities. From whatever source his wealth comes, the OP's husband has a duty to care for his children and for their carer, the OP.

She ALSO has a duty to care for her children and for herself and, as others have said, in an ideal world she would have worked to earn as well as being a full-time SAHM But that is hard and - in practical terms - not very easy.

The OP's partners grandparents chose to give money to him, yes. But he chose to take on extra responsibilities, and that means he can't expect to keep all his inherited money to benefit only him.

Heels for heaven's sake. This is nothing about 'legitimacy' or jewellery.
It's about adults taking responsibility for their actions and their choices.

I quite agree that women should be free to be as sexually active as they choose. But not without thinking rationally and responsibly about the consequences, for themselves and for their children.

@tiredybear

OP, do you really want to end your relationship because he won't marry you? Are things good between you otherwise?

I have been with my partner for 22 years. We are not married. We have a house together and a child. I quite liked the idea of getting married, my partner was 100% against it.

Unlike your partner, mine was very clear on his reasons why not. And I was able to see his viewpoint and respect that.

Also, our house, and mortgage, and bank account are all in joint names.

Can you talk to him about your reasons for wanting to get married if he can't vocalise his reasons for NOT?

I agree with PP that the financial situation is concerning and if I were you I would be requesting that everything was in joint names, now. I think that is the least he can do to show his commitment to you and his family.

What were his reasons?

Sorry he's treating you like this op. Hold your head high. You are not in the wrong here. Getting married or equivalent is a perfectly reasonable ask given the circumstances. I hope you work it out.