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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He doesn’t want to marry

610 replies

StandingMirror · 16/01/2021 10:18

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

OP posts:
BumbleBiscuit · 16/01/2021 17:24

The OP has protection if he dies ( unless he changes his will) but not if his head gets turned by a newer, younger model which unfortunately happens to a lot of men after 20/25 years in a relationship

So she says. To be honest she’s been so desperately naive I wouldn’t trust that he has a will and she is to be the beneficiary. He could have told her anything. This will end in tears.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 16/01/2021 17:25

Also confused did he inherit the house ? Or was it bought as in 18 years you have worked have you paid for things as well

iftherewereahorseyinthehouse · 16/01/2021 17:25

@Tier10

The OP has protection if he dies ( unless he changes his will) but not if his head gets turned by a newer, younger model which unfortunately happens to a lot of men after 20/25 years in a relationship.
Maybe she should encourage him to take up an extreme sport 😖
florascotia2 · 16/01/2021 17:25

tobed etc I agree that the pedantry is unhelpful and I agree that you were right first time. But so many people don't read the whole thread. I agree that this utterly infuriating. I was just trying to clamp down on a fresh outbreak of unhelpfulness... but I can see how you find even that irritating.

thecatfromjapan · 16/01/2021 17:26

She can provide a roof over their heads if they separate.

She's said that.

Why are people determined to see OP as some semi-destitute waif?

She's posted here for support.

As a previous poster said, OP has reached a time in her life where she's having a serious think about her life, her relationship, what she wants.

This happens.

It's not the downfall of Western Civilisation. There's no need to catastrophise.

Just help OP think the situation through and what choices she has going forwards.

Positively.

Supportively.

The way you might for your daughter, or a good friend.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 16/01/2021 17:26

@icecreamandcandyfloss how would he do that though if OP wasn't at home and having jobs around the children, if he had to look after them as well , he wouldn't be able to pay for things would he.

Tier10 · 16/01/2021 17:26

iftherewereahorseyinthehouse, your post made me chuckle.

BumbleBiscuit · 16/01/2021 17:26

Also confused did he inherit the house ? Or was it bought as in 18 years you have worked have you paid for things as well

It was bought but he used his inheritance to pay it off. OP has worked but very little and part time so hasn’t contributed much financially. She has absolutely no claim on the house.

MaskingForIt · 16/01/2021 17:28

@RickiTarr

In what county is it a 'registration' office?? Check your facts Petal.

Devon for one. Wiltshire for two. Quite a few.

Cut out the “petal” shite.

Internet high five to you. It is either a register office or registration office (varies regionally). Nowhere (in the UK) is it a “registry” office.
thecatfromjapan · 16/01/2021 17:31

And I am far from certain that OP will end up separating.

As I keep saying, men gain a lot from stable relationships. Statistically, men who are single or who have a failed relationship, due earlier, in poorer health than those in stable relationships.

Not so for women.

Yes, there is an economic cost for women in relationship break-ups - but in the long run, there is no lasting difference in terms of health and well-being between women who are single and those who are married/in long-term relationships.

And that tells you something about what women bring to the relationships they have with men.

It's not at all negligible.

And worth a damn sight more than a house.

iftherewereahorseyinthehouse · 16/01/2021 17:31

@thecatfromjapan

She can provide a roof over their heads if they separate.

She's said that.

Why are people determined to see OP as some semi-destitute waif?

She's posted here for support.

As a previous poster said, OP has reached a time in her life where she's having a serious think about her life, her relationship, what she wants.

This happens.

It's not the downfall of Western Civilisation. There's no need to catastrophise.

Just help OP think the situation through and what choices she has going forwards.

Positively.

Supportively.

The way you might for your daughter, or a good friend.

Yes, you're right.

OP he holds all the power in this relationship. If you can leave, I would, as I couldn't bear to be living on tenterhooks trying to keep him happy so he doesn't decide to dump me. It's not a way to live.

But if you want kids this can creep up on you. Especially if there are difficulties like the OP faced. At the end of the day you still have your kids.

thecatfromjapan · 16/01/2021 17:34

Honestly, a lot of men are human - and they get into relationships because they like being with the other person - and a lot of men love their children.

For most men, it's a big deal to let that go.

Yes, the Relationship boards on here are filled with stories of break-ups - but many people get into relationships and stick together - with ups and downs, and re-negotiations in the way.

This stuff happens, and it is often resolved just fine.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 16/01/2021 17:34

@bumblebiscuit maybe not legally no but he couldn't of worked and maintained it etc without her staying home and having kids etc.
I think so many people don't think about legal protection marriage gives you.
Me and dh had dc before marriage but we had nothing so nothing to loose , married now but dh would of quite happily stayed as we were , I wanted same name as kids etc.

namechangetogamechange · 16/01/2021 17:37

@Calmandmeasured1

MaskingForIt

And it is a registration office, not a registry office. Registries are for presents.
I have never heard anyone refer to it as such. It may be an office for the registration of births, marriages and deaths but everyone who has ever said it in my company has said 'Registry offce'.

What's with the nit-picking though anyway?

Exactly!
donewithitalltodayandxmas · 16/01/2021 17:37

Also fair enough everyone says its his house from his inheritance etc but when OP goes back to work then I would assume she doesn't ever pay towards upkeep of said house as its not hers , can't have it both ways .

Viviennemary · 16/01/2021 17:38

It depends. I think he's in the wrong. But if you have a nice life as a SAHM is it worth giving it all up for either a life on benefits or trying yo juggle work and looking after three children. On the other hand if you wait around till your children have left home you might be entitled to very little if anything. And what about when you get to retirement age.

BumbleBiscuit · 16/01/2021 17:38

@donewithitalltodayandxmas maybe not legally no but he couldn't of worked and maintained it etc without her staying home and having kids etc

Unfortunately for OP, the ‘he couldn’t have done it without her’ argument has no legal standing. And he probably could have done it without her. My Dad flourished as a single parent when my Mum left.

CallmeAngelina · 16/01/2021 17:39

According to Google, my local one is listed as a RegistER office.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 17:40

She can’t expect to earn and live Rent free in his house using the utilities
They’d have to have a tenant and LL type contract
Or she lives elsewhere and pay market rent and utilities bills

WhateverJudy · 16/01/2021 17:41

@thecatfromjapan

And I am far from certain that OP will end up separating.

As I keep saying, men gain a lot from stable relationships. Statistically, men who are single or who have a failed relationship, due earlier, in poorer health than those in stable relationships.

Not so for women.

Yes, there is an economic cost for women in relationship break-ups - but in the long run, there is no lasting difference in terms of health and well-being between women who are single and those who are married/in long-term relationships.

And that tells you something about what women bring to the relationships they have with men.

It's not at all negligible.

And worth a damn sight more than a house.

So why do men still often ditch their wives? The stats might show this but fear of dying a few years earlier doesn’t stop men running off with another woman after 20+ years and to suggest it might is somewhat naive.
whattodo202000 · 16/01/2021 17:41

@StandingMirror I don't know why so many posters are giving you a hard time when you have posted here for advice. You are not in a great situation but well done on recognising it now. I am not sure what your DP is going to do but I can say from experience men like this don't typically change. If I were you I would focus now on finding yourself a job so that you can gain your financial independence.

I had an ex try to pressure me into having children with him before marriage and I refused and walked away. He quickly moved on and has a child with his current partner (who it is yet to marry)....

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 16/01/2021 17:42

@bumblebiscuit yes he could of done without her but at a cost , childcare for 3 isn't cheap.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 17:43

In fairness women can and do leave men,reside with the kids and get by
She’ll not necessarily be in penury. It’ll be a significant change but many people manage it

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 16/01/2021 17:44

@heelshandbagperfumecoffee I said upkeep as in maintenance and repairs , yes pay towards bills but i the house is in his name only and say needs a new roof , then he pays .

BumbleBiscuit · 16/01/2021 17:45

I think women very often place too much value on their role, particularly SAHM. The “I gave up my career to raise HIS kids” argument is bonkers. Many men, if they need to, make excellent single parents and can not only continue to work and earn money but care for the children too.

The men aren’t solely surviving because of the woman. They’d make it work without you and probably still achieve what they had achieved with or without you.

Moral of the story, don’t give up your career unless you’re married and even then it’s not a great idea!!