He doesn’t want to marry

[StandingMirror]

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

@BumbleBiscuit

If he chucks you out now you may not even get to keep your children, are you going to take them to a homeless hostel?

There is another thread where a woman (who was the children’s main carer) lost custody of her children to her partner because she couldn’t afford to house them so they ended up four and a half hours away with the husband.

She’s entitled to see them every other weekend.

Don’t. Rock. The. Boat!!!

If nothing else scares unmarried women into thinking twice before getting pregnant ahead of marriage, this should. Horrifying.

@BumbleBiscuit I think you are being alarmist. Most men so mean they would rather loose their partner rather than give her some security would be horrified at the thought of becoming a single, resident parent - that'll put rather a crimp in both his comfy lifestyle and his wallet.

@thecatfromjapan good advice.

[quote Porcupineintherough]@BumbleBiscuit I think you are being alarmist. Most men so mean they would rather loose their partner rather than give her some security would be horrified at the thought of becoming a single, resident parent - that'll put rather a crimp in both his comfy lifestyle and his wallet.

@thecatfromjapan good advice.[/quote]
Some men refuse to marry their vulnerable partner for reasons other than financial. It’s a way of exerting control and taking custody of kids could very well fit with that pattern of behaviour. It’s not just fear of losing assets, it’s sometimes making the woman vulnerable so she stays in her place.

@Porcupineintherough I think you are being alarmist. Most men so mean they would rather loose their partner rather than give her some security would be horrified at the thought of becoming a single, resident parent - that'll put rather a crimp in both his comfy lifestyle and his wallet

I said further up the thread this is what happened to my family. My mum (a SAHM) walked out. My workaholic Dad got full custody and he stepped up to the task wonderfully! Was an outstanding parent and main carer. Did everything Mum used to and more whilst still brining in a ton of money. Men are just as capable of being wonderful single parents so nobody should act like this is a bargaining chip for the OP because it isn’t.

How old are you both?

boulshired There is an old and very true saying: 'Everything has the defects of its qualities".

If the OP's partner did not want to have the care and support of a loving partner, or the joy of having his own children, then he could have decided to live as a single man, with no romantic/sexual partnerships. This would have protected his financial/property assets and kept them safe for him alone, if that was his priority.

But he did not. He has presumably enjoyedand benefitted from the OPs love and companionship for 18 years, and has similarly had his life /experience enriched by the arrival of children.

Both these things - loving partnership and children - come with emotional as well as practical responsibilities. He does not seem willing to acknowledge these.

As the situation currently stands, he doesn't have to share his financial assets with the OP. But (and this is where the old saying is important) if he wants/values a loving partnership and wants children, then he should be prepared to contribute towards supporting them. Even if that means sharing some of his assets with his partner or his children's carer. Not fair otherwise.

I do agree with others, however, that the OP should look towards re-training/finding a job as soon as practically possible. Not easy with three very young children. But great for self esteem.

In fairness,he has solely contributed to the kids upbringing as he’s being the only worker
He’s paid for everything. The food,holidays,utilities,clothes etc that’s all been him

Going forward, they are both now in a fraught situation and he’s texting his intents to op

Obviously they need to actually talk. See what is the next stage, what’s to be done

In what county is it a 'registration' office?? Check your facts Petal.

Devon for one. Wiltshire for two. Quite a few.

Cut out the “petal” shite.

Let’s stop with the registration office bullshit now. It’s been done a billion times over.

But, heelsetc life is not just about the here and now. There's future housing/pensions/care for the OP to consider, plus all kinds of future needs for the children.
As things stand, she/they have no automatic claim to his assets/ support for these.
Nor, to be fair, does he have any claim on anyone else. But he has assets and OP and her children do not.

It's register office anyway. I'm a wedding photographer.

As things stand, she/they have no automatic claim to his assets/ support for these.
Nor, to be fair, does he have any claim on anyone else. But he has assets and OP and her children do not

Youngest is 8, the maximum amount of time he has any obligations to OP is ten years and that’s only in terms of child support and only if she were to get the children. The other thread on going right now demonstrates it’s not always the main carer who gets the children. It’s the one who can provide a roof over their head and full tummies that stands to win a custody battle.

Good god, you need to get a job ASAP. Why the hell is the house in his name only?

I'm 15 years and two kids in and unmarried, but I have a job, a pension and the house in both names. I realised after about four years it wasn't going to happen so I refused to give up my job when we had kids (to be fair we needed two salaries anyway like most families.)

The house being in his name only is a huge red flag.

Bumble, I agree.
But once and for all, the UK government website calls it a REGISTER office. That is its name.

Previous posters have explained that 'registry' can be used as a name for the place where registers are kept. And also that 'registry office' is commonplace everyday speech. All OK.

BUT just have a look here, everyone, at the official government website: www.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships/plan-your-ceremony
It's a REGISTER office. Full stop. No argument.

He doesn’t want to have to share his inheritance with you or support you if you split up . He has more to loose than gain

Hang on- OP says when he met he had the house with a mortgage. He has used an inheritance to pay off the mortgage. That changes a lot, imho. Unless IP paid into that mortgage for quite some time before she became a SAHM, then frankly I could see why he might want to keep that asset. If she did pay a percentage of the mortgage, then she should be entitled to an equivalent proportion of the value of the house.

Her partner has a will, leaving the house to her if he dies. He has babes here as beneficiary to her pension etc if he dies. It’s not like he has left her with no protection. She has no right to his inheritance- including the amount he paid into paying off the mortgage. In his shoes, I would not want to marry either. It’s not like he said he would and changed his mind. He’s never wanted marriage and, until recently, OP hasn’t been particularly bothered either. In his shoes I might be wondering “why now”?

*lose

@Normalmumandwife, I think women trust men and when they don't get a straight answer about marriage they assume the reason is non financial. In most cases men won't marry due to finances.

Also some women are naive to the reality of financial consequences of not being married. Most don't understand they will only get max of 10% of a man's income, for 1 child and zero savings or equity if house is not joint. There was a thread on here recently and one poster seemed shocked that the law makes nrp (mostly dads) contribute so little. There is also a myth that women do well from men but numerous studies consistently show that mothers are worse off than fathers, post separation, even with marriage.

Sadly women have to stop trusting the fathers of their children and assume that in the event of separation they will be treated badly.

We must make sure our daughters retain the ability to earn money as with a 50% divorce rate who would take the chance.

Its actually Register office but everyone calls is Registry office (even the official sites have this in brackets). Some time the title has Registration Office in the title but the function is Register Office.

OP can you get him to agree to a Civil Partnership?
You could discuss next of kin issues.

And this should serve as an awful warnign for others.

But he has assets and OP and her children do not. Yes that’s correct
And it appears to be a contentious point
If I were op I’d not do anything to hasty there are practicalities and in midst of a pandemic everything is problematic

The OP has protection if he dies ( unless he changes his will) but not if his head gets turned by a newer, younger model which unfortunately happens to a lot of men after 20/25 years in a relationship.

OP I worry about your thinking, you seem quite passive.

For example you are well past the stage of 'waiting for a proposal'. Why didn't you say years ago, look I'm not prepared to have any more children unless I'm married, and book the register office.

There's more than one inequality in this relationship OP. You waiting for him to make the decision just highlights that.

I hope you can see that you need to be more assertive all round.

@RandomLondoner but it would be ok for her to stay home at look after your 3 kids , as is the case here,
So OP stays home looks after kids unpaid and has likely no pension and no income if their own.

So you could have gone back to work at least 3 years ago.

I tried to shut down the unhelpful pedantry at 10.27. I failed

Hope you got the advice you came here for OP.