He doesn’t want to marry

[StandingMirror]

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

@thecatfromjapan thank you.

I can't believe the lack of compassion being shown on this thread. The OP is upset that her partner doesn't want to marry her and is asking for support yet posters just pile in repeating the same thing over and over again. She knows the situation and that she should have done things differently. It's not helpful.

I think you're going to be fine, StandingMirror.

I think you've decided to grab your life. That's an energy that can't be stopped.

And bloody well done on having much-wanted children.

I suspect you are quite a together, energetic person. And good to be around.

The pandemic does make all your plans harder - but you have plans. You clearly don't just let life happen to you.

However this turns out, you're going to be fine.

[quote StandingMirror]@RickiTarr yes my oldest two are twins as had fertility treatment, third child conceived naturally
They are primary aged and I have wanting to go back to work in the last year. Not the ideal time with homeschooling now. I’m hoping school will restart soon and then I will get myself back to work

I have savings ( not much but enough to rent somewhere for a few months whilst looking for a job)[/quote]
So you need wraparound childcare for three? But when they stop needing childcare in a few years it will be more or less at the same time?

This is doable. Make plans now for what you will do once the pandemic is over.

He sent me a message saying is it all over then between us as I told him I had enough
There’s your answer op. He’s been abundantly clear

It’s not hard to see why he wants to protect the house that his salary and family inheritance paid for. MN often tells women not to marry if they have assets so no different.

If the youngest is 8 then there’s absolutely no reason not to work. Childcare costs would only be for any hours after school and holidays and many couples have at least eight weeks annual leave between them to cover school holidays.

Pushing someone into a marriage they don’t is wrong and it doesn’t sound like he has been open about not wanting to be married. He doesn’t have to give a reason why.

You are free to stay and continue how you are or if marriage means:more then separate and pursue that path elsewhere.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I wouldn’t in his position either and would advise my son or daughter to do the same with such assets whilst pre nips are not legally binding.

If marriage wasnt important to you before then why now? That’s what I would be thinking as it only now benefits you and not him if you split after.

Yep, agree with this.

It's a big deal to lose your partner and children just for a bloody house

Yes he stands to lose assets in a divorce but it’s not just that. He didn’t want to get married at the start and still doesn’t. There’s been no changing of his mind it would seem. Should he be forced or talked into it? Of course not, what basis for a marriage would that be.

I find on these types of threads that a lot of women put far too much weight on what a SAHM provides for the husband

Stop being so judgemental. Everyone’s circumstances are different- the OP has said she had twins, plus another child and that makes working incredibly difficult! It also must have been very very hard! A lot more work than a 9-5 job!!

I am due to have twins, I have a toddler too and I’m likely to be a SAHM when they arrive. Which I never considered before. My husband will 100% see the value in it.

Yes obviously the OP should have got married for various reasons but I think the attitude to SAHM’s on here can be appalling. I’ve certainly never experienced it in real life.

And he's communicating by text. This lack of proper communication is at the root of everything here.

OP, why don't you say that you need some time to think and that he should carefully consider too. Say you don t want your relationship to end, but currently you feel you don't have financial security (house in only his name) or emotional security (without marriage). Ask if he can understand these things and what he can offer you to make you feel more secure. Give a time limit and ask if you can talk then ...a few Dayspring time.

It's a big deal to lose your partner and children just for a bloody house.

....... and if he got married he could lose partner , kids and his house.

OP, this must be so stressful for you on top of everything else going on in the world right now. The current situation is probably heightening emotions for both of you. Start looking for a job and setting your self up for financial independence. You’ll probably stay together but at least there will be a greater balance of power. It’s not too late to retrain in order to apply for jobs whilst the economy starts picking up again.

All the best, and wipe those tears away. Get some sleep, dust off your CV and make a plan as to how you will dig yourself out of this situation.

To offer advice both side need to be looked at, marriage is important to ensure that both parties are equally impacted by having children. But the assets of the boyfriend seem to stem mostly from an inheritance. He may not only be risking is inheritance but also find himself homeless by marriage it it goes wrong So hindsight is important for anyone in the ops position or soon to be as it’s easy to share when you have nothing or the same, but a lot harder when it’s one person doing the sharing. I can feel for the ops position whilst understanding the boyfriends reluctance.

Op, I don’t know how to put this gently. But he has just basically said he would rather it ended than he married you. You need to accept that.

Please don’t make threats like you did, it is always going to backfire like this, telling him you’ve had enough. You cannot force or emotionally blackmail him into marrying you.

So you need to decide how important marriage is to you. Is it a deal breaker, then if so, make your plans and then leave. If it is not, then stay. But you need to stop going on about it. Because you have both made your positions clear. He will not get married nor will he be manipulated into it. You. Well likely I think it’s not a deal breaker, so will ultimately stay.

thecatfromjapan has good advice.

I think your best way fwd would be to get yourself sorted on a training / career path while home life ticks over... if you can achieve that.

It's going to be a jolt for him because he's been very, very comfortable for the last few years. I can't predict whether your relationship will survive the change or not, but I hope he's not a complete bastard.

Can’t you just ask him to marry you?

And if he says no, asks why not.

Ask if it’s because he owns all the financial security and is worried you’ll take half of it all if either of you left the other.
If he says yes that’s the reason, well then you’re stuffed, he’ll never marry you.

But if he loved you enough, he shouldn’t even be worried about financially providing for his own children.

Ergo, he doesn’t love you enough to want to financially provide for his own children in the even of catastrophic change.

It’s the law that needs to update, until then both parties whilst unmarried are in a precarious situation.

Dear MN - the OP has said her partner did not say he was against marriage at the outset. Please stop extrapolating, guessing, and judging.
@StandingMirror Please resist the pressure to justify yourself.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss I’m sorry but you’re not helpful
I never said he was against marriage from the start and now I’m trying to “trap” him
We were both youngish, we didn’t think/feel marriage was something we needed to do straight away. Over the years I thought we’ve been together this long now, he might propose but the longer he left it it’s starting to cause a rift/arguments on why he’s not proposing. It took us longer than normal to get children, we paid towards treatment and I’ve always made it clear from the start I didn’t want a big traditional wedding, just a small ceremony and to be husband and wife

You’re not really in a position to tell him you’ve had enough OP. Where are you going to go.

Not a good idea to rock the boat before you’ve had a chance to formulate a plan.

Foolish behaviour OP, instead of flinging your toys out of the pram you should have used your time wisely to retain/get a career before confronting him.
If he chucks you out now you may not even get to keep your children, are you going to take them to a homeless hostel?
Use brain before heart, every single time.

Well she can at least afford rent.

She's also be a single unmarried mother and maybe entitled to benefits. Might turn out OK.

If he chucks you out now you may not even get to keep your children, are you going to take them to a homeless hostel?

There is another thread where a woman (who was the children’s main carer) lost custody of her children to her partner because she couldn’t afford to house them so they ended up four and a half hours away with the husband.

She’s entitled to see them every other weekend.

Don’t. Rock. The. Boat!!!

OMG! The OP has clearly said what her plan is - not that it's anyone else's business. She has reached out for support because her relationship has suddenly come to a point of realisation/examination. That happens to a lot of people - married or not.

@MaskingForIt

And it is a registration office, not a registry office. Registries are for presents.

In what county is it a 'registration' office?? Check your facts Petal.

@StandingMirror
The reality is he won't marry you now. The only option is to issue an ultimatum and be prepared that he says no and you have to carry it out.

You really have no cards at all as he holds them all

I just don't understand why women have a family without the protection of marriage. He has absolutely nothing to gain financially by getting married and a huge amount to lose in the money sense. Would you be prepared to give an ultimatum?