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AIBU?

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Original poster

He doesn’t want to marry

610 replies

StandingMirror · 16/01/2021 10:18

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

OP posts:
vanillandhoney · 16/01/2021 14:24

@Uhhuhoyaye

Propose to him. If he refuses present him with an invoice for past child-care and a contract covering future child care. Tell him it is one or the other and mean it.
Then he can present her with an invoice for:

Rent
Council Tax
Gas
Electric
Internet
Food bills
Clothes for the DC
Car payments

And everything else he's paid for over the years.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 14:25

I’m not saying she should be grateful but this notion on thread of him being invoiced for what op provided. Well it cuts both ways
Full fridge, accommodation,bills paid,hobbies,holidays he paid all that
And op not compelled to work

PanamaPattie · 16/01/2021 14:27

These threads are so depressing.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/01/2021 14:30

We didn’t have children for the first 10 years of our relationship, I worked those years

I realise this ship has sailed, but out of genuine interest, if he hadn't married you after 10 years what motivated you to go ahead and have a family thinking he might?

bourbonne · 16/01/2021 14:30

I wonder what the men posting on this thread (there seem to be a couple) think their own mothers deserve?

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 14:32

Depressing is notion that a man is obligated to financially provide for a woman
And this notion that a stamp of the feet or confected invoice will compel an adult into marriage is risible

Tistheseason17 · 16/01/2021 14:35

Wills can be changed easily. Death in service and other policies simple.
Hr could break up with you and everything signed before can be changed.
Why won't he marry you? Does he think you'll split once kids are older?

MarmiteWine · 16/01/2021 14:39

Is civil partnership an option instead? I have 2 sets of (heterosexual) friends who chose this instead of marriage.

slashlover · 16/01/2021 14:41

@Puzzledandpissedoff

We didn’t have children for the first 10 years of our relationship, I worked those years

I realise this ship has sailed, but out of genuine interest, if he hadn't married you after 10 years what motivated you to go ahead and have a family thinking he might?

Because OP wasn't bothered about getting married then. SHE changed her mind and apparently he's now a terrible person for not changing his.
BadLad · 16/01/2021 14:42

@Uhhuhoyaye

Propose to him. If he refuses present him with an invoice for past child-care and a contract covering future child care. Tell him it is one or the other and mean it.
Problem solved.
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 14:45

Don’t make ultimatum you won’t enact. If op demands marriage or shes offsky she’d better mean it
Otherwise it’s hollow and just words.

blueshoes · 16/01/2021 14:46

Yes. When girls are taught sex education, they should also be taught never to have children until they are married.

This is not going to happen because the education is biased towards the left.

However, people should be armed with the knowledge there is no such thing as a common law spouse and legal rights to assets from a long term relationship generally only arise from marriage. Schools should teach it as part of PSHE. However, I suspect this may inflame a lot of agendas and be too controversial.

florascotia2 · 16/01/2021 14:48

slash It seems perfectly reasonable - not to say the only responsible thing to do - to at least discuss the possibility of marriage at the same time as a couple are also discussing the possibility of having children.
The arrival of children seems to have changed the OP's view on marriage, as it does with many people.

No-one's saying that the husband is a 'terrible person', anyway. They are simply saying that the OP is in an unfortunate position.

bourbonne · 16/01/2021 14:48

@MarmiteWine

Is civil partnership an option instead? I have 2 sets of (heterosexual) friends who chose this instead of marriage.
What's the point of this, though? Isn't it effectively the same as marriage? If he doesn't want to share his assets then this is no alternative.

The govt had to open it to heterosexual couples as it was otherwise open to discrimination claims (there were some campaigners making the point), but there is no longer any real need for them to exist (from a legal perspective) now that marriage is open to all. The only argument I've ever heard for it is that some people don't like the connotations of the word "marriage", which tbh I think is about as grown-up as insisting on reading Harry Potter with the adult covers - it's still the same thing.

Idratherberude · 16/01/2021 14:49

@Tier10 please tell me your friend said no.
@StandingMirror, ITB. Invoice the bastard.

Vintagevixen · 16/01/2021 14:50

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Op has had free accommodation for herself.she’s unwaged and has not had to work.he’s bankrolled her lifestyle
Raising children, particularly as most women seem to end up doing 95% of it, IS work. It is a full time job.
Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/01/2021 14:53

Because OP wasn't bothered about getting married then. SHE changed her mind and apparently he's now a terrible person for not changing his

Very possibly, slashlover - I just honestly wondered what led her to make the decisions she has

florascotia2 · 16/01/2021 14:55

blueshoes I really don't think you can blame ignorance re 'common law wives' on a left wing educational conspiracy.
If anything, the left is MORE keen on women's civil and legal rights, and on empowering women by providing information about them.

Longcovidmustrecover · 16/01/2021 14:56

I’m sure this has all come as an unpleasant shock OP.

Luckily there are steps you can take as others have outlined. Every little you can save for retirement will help!

I thought the best idea was to carry in as you are, start a course now, do you can get a reasonably paid job at the end of it. Stash those savings in a pension up to £2880 for the year ending 6/4/21. Then re-start in April.

Get him to fund your course and do it with a smile. Looks like you might have to play the long game with this one.

Very best of luck xx

DoubleTweenQueen · 16/01/2021 14:57

@StandingMirror How is your relationship, otherwise? You need to talk all this stuff through - it's easy to get into a rut and drift apart. Nice dinner, wine/beer, gentle conversation? How do you actually feel about each other, your family, and your future together?

RickiTarr · 16/01/2021 15:00

[quote DoubleTweenQueen]@StandingMirror How is your relationship, otherwise? You need to talk all this stuff through - it's easy to get into a rut and drift apart. Nice dinner, wine/beer, gentle conversation? How do you actually feel about each other, your family, and your future together?[/quote]
He is trying to screw her over. How is wine and “gentle conversation” going to erase that knowledge? The last thing she should be doing is convincing herself that everything is basically okay. That’s how she got into this mess.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 15:05

No being a housewife isn’t Job. It’s in no way comparable
All this rubbish about invoicing for tasks is an online fantasy. Not RL
Otherwise would have to cough up for accommodation,food,holidays,clothes,utilities,hobbies,treats etc

bourbonne · 16/01/2021 15:05

Basically, this arrangement ensures that he has the option to leave you at any time, but it's much more difficult for you to leave him. Not a very fair partnership.

Boulshired · 16/01/2021 15:06

Those who I know who are in this position, the discrepancy in wealth or the ability to acquire wealth usually predate the relationship. The talk of assets actively ignored as it’s just a bit too awkward to have. I didn’t demand marriage before having children but I did demand a house bought equally between us and as he had bigger assets he could ring fence if he wanted. Also at any time I could not contribute to my pension for maternity/child care then it would come from his wage. I would want to advise my children on protecting themselves from being in the position of the OP but also protecting their assets. It would be good if pre nups and ring fencing pre relationship money could be seen as the norm.

Redwinestillfine · 16/01/2021 15:08

I am all for being a SAHM but in your situation I think you need to have a conversation. Tell him it's marriage ( or legal papers to protect you in the event you split up) or you will have to get a full time job to get financial independence. If he still doesn't want to get married/ equivalent then line up a full time job. Then when you have an offer give him notice to sort out childcare. I don't think you can continue being a SAHM in the circumstances.