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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He doesn’t want to marry

610 replies

StandingMirror · 16/01/2021 10:18

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

OP posts:
WhateverJudy · 16/01/2021 13:39

I find on these types of threads that a lot of women put far too much weight on what a SAHM provides for the husband, arguing that she has saved him thousands/facilitated everything he has achieved and that he owes her a huge debt of gratitude for what she provides. Sometimes, yes the woman being at home has facilitated enormous career progression and earnings for the man and saved the family money overall when her earnings are offset against childcare. However I think there are just as many (maybe more) cases where the woman could have earned comfortably more than the cost of childcare so her being at home has cost them as a family financially, placed all the burden of breadwinning on the man and left him resentful and feeling a bit pushed out of the fun times. Some men may feel that they would still rather their wife looked after their children full time and it’s worth the cost. But I do think that plenty of others are railroaded into it by a wife with no wish to work and like a PP observed, the situation often goes on far longer than was ever agreed.

As PPs have pointed out, many men are very capable of working and paying for childcare, cleaning etc. however a lot of SAHMs talk as though their contributions to the household are completely indispensable and the husband simply wouldn’t have a career without her, when that is just not the case at all. I’m not minimising or trying to insult what a SAHM does but it’s just fact that if the stay at home wife walks out, the man will buy in those services. He won’t walk away from his high earning career and live in poverty.

So with these cases I don’t think it’s as cut and dried as seeing the man as having somehow shafted the woman. It may be the case or it may not be. In all honesty I wouldn’t be happy about a partner staying at home for years and years while I earned all the money and missed out of that time with the kids. So if they decided to do that and then expected me to sign over half my assets or get married, I wouldn’t either.

OP what discussions actually took place when you gave up work? Did marriage come up then?

SuitedandBooted · 16/01/2021 13:40

He has a will, I would inherit the house
If he was to die, I would get a pay out through his work and pension
That’s all in order

Do you think that's written in stone or something Confused
He can change all that next week if he wants, and you will be none the wiser. He could leave the lot to his kids/mum/somebody else.....

Being a "partner" means nothing really, unless you actually have shared contributions/ownership of property etc, and can prove it. Legally, you are the same as a girlfriend he met recently. If you split, the only obligation he has is maintenance to your children.

popsydoodle4444 · 16/01/2021 13:41

Has he made a will?;in the event of his death all assets will go to the kids unless he's stated otherwise.

Why is the house solely in his name?,have you contributed to mortgage?;if he won't marry you because he's protecting his financial assets then that's insulting.

No end of men seem to manipulate their partners on him by giving the silent treatment and stonewalling.

Ellapaella · 16/01/2021 13:41

Well I was in a similar position to OP until i got married. I'd been with my husband for 10 years before we got married and we had two children together and he was the higher earner with me working part time.
However we did discuss it prior to having kids and I was joint owner of the house, named on the mortgage. We also had a signed pension sharing arrangement and life insurance covered me in event of his death. His will also named me a main beneficiary.
So there wasn't 'much in it' for him to marry me either but he was a decent human being who wanted his children to live in financial security regardless of the outcome of our relationship or what may happen to us in the future.
In the end we got married because the kids were really keen for us to do so and it meant something to them. Also it just makes everything easier in worst case scenario situations.
OP - your partner may be happy to make sure that you and the kids will be taken care of - have you discussed that with him?
It's not just in case you split up but what if something happens to him or he gets really sick?
Marriage definitely makes this a lot easier.

ElspethFlashman · 16/01/2021 13:41

Maybe he signed the will in his own blood. Wink

Vintagevixen · 16/01/2021 13:42

@RickiTarr you are right that if you go to proper legal sources it is clear that there is no such thing.

However the amount of surprised faces when I informed people of the fact tells me that a LOT of people and women in particular think it's a thing.

AhNowTed · 16/01/2021 13:42

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

I love this notion, that op just tells him and that’s that. He’s canny He’s never going to marry her. He’s made an active decision

That's true, but what she CAN do is

Get a job, any job
Write up his 50% responsibility for
Childcare
Childcare costs
Drop offs and pick ups
Cooking
Cleaning
Laundry
Kids doctors appointments
And all the other parental tasks

And hand him that list. And MEAN it.

WhateverJudy · 16/01/2021 13:43

[quote Vintagevixen]@RickiTarr you are right that if you go to proper legal sources it is clear that there is no such thing.

However the amount of surprised faces when I informed people of the fact tells me that a LOT of people and women in particular think it's a thing.[/quote]
It’s terrifying. I wish this stuff was part of the national curriculum. It needs to be taught to both boys and girls.

RickiTarr · 16/01/2021 13:43

[quote Vintagevixen]@RickiTarr you are right that if you go to proper legal sources it is clear that there is no such thing.

However the amount of surprised faces when I informed people of the fact tells me that a LOT of people and women in particular think it's a thing.[/quote]
I’m astonished people still believe it’s a legal thing, but if they do, they do, I suppose. 🤷🏻‍♀️

WhateverJudy · 16/01/2021 13:44

@AhNowTed Yes but what does she do when he just says no, I’m too busy at work. What then? No one can force another adult to start doing half of everything, and certainly not from a situation of very little bargaining power which is where the OP is. Your proposed approach relies entirely on his willingness to do as he’s told...which seems unlikely to me!

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 16/01/2021 13:45

I'ma SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance)

He doesn’t want to marry
SnowflakeCulture · 16/01/2021 13:46

10:27tobedtoMNandfart

MaskingForIt

And it is a registration office, not a registry office. Registries are for presents.

In the UK we commonly always use 'Registry Office'. And 'wedding List'. Get over yourself.

The ill-educated use Registry Office!!

ElspethFlashman · 16/01/2021 13:47

Their is also no need for him to obtain your consent before selling the house.

Whereas you have to obtain the written consent of your spouse. Our last house was owned solely by me (inherited) and when we sold, DH had to give his consent to our solicitor in case I was pulling a fast one on him.

slashlover · 16/01/2021 13:52

OP didn't want to get married and now because she's changed her mind, he's a bastard?

AhNowTed · 16/01/2021 13:54

@WhateverJudy she can withdraw her "worthless" labour and start using the one bargaining chip she does have.

She doesn't have to passively put up with his shit while he walks all over her.

Either he recognises her contribution or he does his half.

GoldieHelen · 16/01/2021 13:56

How old are your dc?

Bangable · 16/01/2021 13:59

@MaskingForIt

And it is a registration office, not a registry office. Registries are for presents.
Nobody has ever said ‘registration office‘ Grin

I suggest you don’t either unless you want to look like a tool

VodselForDinner · 16/01/2021 13:59

@Uhhuhoyaye

Propose to him. If he refuses present him with an invoice for past child-care and a contract covering future child care. Tell him it is one or the other and mean it.
FFS, this ridiculous line is always trotted out on these threads.

In return, should be give her an invoice for all the things he funded because she didn’t work?
Rent
Electricity
Heat
Water
Council tax
TV/Broadband
Use of cars he’s purchased

VestaTilley · 16/01/2021 14:02

In your position OP I would get a job. If you break up you’ll have no right to his pension as you are not married.

What will you live on in retirement? You need 35 years of claiming child benefit or working to get a full state pension. If he won’t marry you you need to get a job.

Bangable · 16/01/2021 14:02

@SnowflakeCulture

10:27tobedtoMNandfart

MaskingForIt

And it is a registration office, not a registry office. Registries are for presents.

In the UK we commonly always use 'Registry Office'. And 'wedding List'. Get over yourself.

The ill-educated use Registry Office!!

The ill-educated use Registry Office

No, they really don’t.

Wikipedia
‘The General Register Office, much more commonly registry office[1] (except in official use), is a British government office where births, deaths, marriages, civil partnership, stillbirths and adoptions in England, Wales and Northern Ireland are registered’

grapewine · 16/01/2021 14:07

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

He was smart and protects his interests

As would I if I had worked hard enough to be mortgage free and the inheritance savings are his anyway as left to him.

The OP has benefitted from the luxury of not having to work or financially provide for herself or her children. Making out only he has gained isn’t the reality.

Yes, this.

If I were him, I wouldn't marry at this point either. Harsh but true.

vanillandhoney · 16/01/2021 14:09

I voted YABU - not because I don't think you deserve better, but because you've passively allowed this to happen, and now you seem surprised.

In the nicest possible way, what incentive does he have to marry you?

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 14:17

Op has had free accommodation for herself.she’s unwaged and has not had to work.he’s bankrolled her lifestyle

AhNowTed · 16/01/2021 14:20

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Op has had free accommodation for herself.she’s unwaged and has not had to work.he’s bankrolled her lifestyle

My mother raised 5 children. Little did she know she should be grateful for her free board.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/01/2021 14:23

I find on these types of threads that a lot of women put far too much weight on what a SAHM provides for the husband, arguing that she has saved him thousands/facilitated everything he has achieved and that he owes her a huge debt of gratitude for what she provides

I agree.
Plenty of adults manage to work without another adult at home or manage to work, run a house and have children.

I don’t think it should be taught in schools, it’s a parenting basic surely. Not to mention it’s a fairly standard thing to know as an adult.

Children tend to copy their main role models so i thinks it’s more important to see both parents doing everything equally rather than be taught to marry for financial security. Financial independence should be aimed for not the reliance on another.