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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He doesn’t want to marry

610 replies

StandingMirror · 16/01/2021 10:18

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

OP posts:
Taciturn · 16/01/2021 15:09

@StandingMirror

He has a will, I would inherit the house If he was to die, I would get a pay out through his work and pension That’s all in order He isn’t tight with money, he never said he would refuse to pay childcare it’s just that’s it’s so much more expensive than me providing care We didn’t have children for the first 10 years Of our relationship, I worked those years When I met him he already had a house and paid mortgage on it
Because you are unmarried, you will have to pay inheritance tax at a lower threshold - anything over 325k I think. This doubles if you are married and can be deferred. Many houses are in excess of this so consider, amongst everything else that you will probably have to sell your home if your partner passes away as things stand.
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 15:12

If a solvent waged woman with a house was posting that her unwaged dp was wanting marriage this would be a v different thread
There’d be no discussion of invoice, him being entitled to a share of assets or recommendations that he demand and get marriage

CorianderBee · 16/01/2021 15:14

Well why would he? He has everything - a wife figure, children etc but without needing to risk his finances.

Of course he wouldn't want to marry.

katy1213 · 16/01/2021 15:20

It is an insult - but unfortunately you allowed him to insult you and now he holds all the cards.

Tellmetruth4 · 16/01/2021 15:21

YANBU to want to get married but I can totally see why he would resist because there’s simply nothing in it for him. I’d also be a bit suspicious as to why after 18 years and 3 kids you’d want to get married.

I think your best first step would be to look for work so he can see that this is not about you trying to claim alimony now the kids are getting closer to 18.

AhNowTed · 16/01/2021 15:22

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

If a solvent waged woman with a house was posting that her unwaged dp was wanting marriage this would be a v different thread There’d be no discussion of invoice, him being entitled to a share of assets or recommendations that he demand and get marriage

If that unwaged DP had spent 8 years bringing up their children the responses would be exactly the same.

CorianderBee · 16/01/2021 15:22

I have an MA degree and day registry office.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 15:23

No, a man who’s not working is a cocklodger on mn
He’s not told being home is same as a job

Porcupineintherough · 16/01/2021 15:30

Fuck OP you'd better hope the relationship lasts. And fgs get at least a part time job, you are so vulnerable. Being a SAHM is a luxury for the independently wealthy and married women. He can choose, marry you or shell out for childcare.

DoubleTweenQueen · 16/01/2021 15:32

@RickiTarr Your comment gets OP no further forward, though, does it? Long term relationships need periods of coming back together again and facing things - it will tell her where she needs to go next. Do you suggest she just carries on as before, with her partner sulking and the issue being avoided?
Also, to everyone else - marriage and relationships are much more than financial security/gain.

BumbleBiscuit · 16/01/2021 15:33

Fuck OP you'd better hope the relationship lasts

Pretty much this!!

Fourfurrymonsters · 16/01/2021 15:37

I know it’s not helpful - but this, THIS, is exactly the reason I’ve drummed into both my son and my daughter since they were teens (now young adults) that financial independence is important, and marriage before babies is not just some romantic gesture but a legal contract which gives each party decent protection and an element of fairness in cases of tits-up.
OP you really need to wake up and get out there working.

RickiTarr · 16/01/2021 15:38

[quote DoubleTweenQueen]@RickiTarr Your comment gets OP no further forward, though, does it? Long term relationships need periods of coming back together again and facing things - it will tell her where she needs to go next. Do you suggest she just carries on as before, with her partner sulking and the issue being avoided?
Also, to everyone else - marriage and relationships are much more than financial security/gain.[/quote]
Well the preponderance of advice on the thread l, which is to get back into work pronto and start saving (which I also said) does move her forward.

OP said herself that when she raised the issue of marriage yesterday her partner’s response was “not this again”. So not only does he not want to marry, the way he is speaking to her is not particularly respectful either.

It’s really not the time to start playing surrendered wife. She needs to be clever and pay the long game here while she sorts herself out but she really shouldn’t kid herself that romantic dinners and whispering at him will solve anything.

Original poster
StandingMirror · 16/01/2021 15:39

@Tellmetruth4 I have always wanted to marry but wasn’t a priority at the beginning. Foolishly I wanted children more and thought he would eventually propose
Over the years, I have mentioned it several times and it’s only in last two years I’ve beginning to feel unwanted etc as clearly if he loved me he would propose. All our friends are married etc and I just think it’s the sign your committed to us each other.
I just want the same name as my children and also I told him after 18 years I hate referring to him as partner/boyfriend
I’ve clearly been an idiot, reading all the comments and I’ve confronted him today. I’ve asked him now he slept on it if he could give me a reason why he doesn’t want to marry me. He couldn’t give one
My youngest is 8 so it’s not like I suddenly have become a gold digger and just will demand half of his
I’ve done a lot of crying already today. He sent me a message saying is it all over then between us as I told him I had enough. He clearly loves his assets more than me ( but we’re not rich just have a mortgage free house which was paid off by an inheritance from his grandparents and he has savings left from that inheritance)

OP posts:
WunWun · 16/01/2021 15:40

Jesus Christ, don't give up your job!

I made the mistake of becoming a SAHM shortly before I found out my ex husband had been cheating on me for years. It has taken two years for me to get another job, with a fucking massive pay cut. Thank God we were married and the house was in both our names, you would be absolutely crazy to give up your job.

MaskingForIt · 16/01/2021 15:40

@BumbleBiscuit

Fuck OP you'd better hope the relationship lasts

Pretty much this!!

Yep, you need to do as little as possible to rock the boat, because he if wants out then you’re screwed.

You need to provide the best house work, cooking and sex he can imagine, because if he thinks he can find better elsewhere you’ll be out on your ear with three children to look after, no job and only CM as support from him.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 15:40

Why should he be compelled to marry her,clearly doesn’t want to
No amount of cajoling or repeatedly raising is going to change his mind

WunWun · 16/01/2021 15:41

HE has a mortgage free house, not you.

Original poster
StandingMirror · 16/01/2021 15:43

@WunWun YES I do know that, just typing fast!!

OP posts:
jacks11 · 16/01/2021 15:45

I think it might be different if he’d promised to marry you and back-tracked it you’d always been clear marriage was an absolute must, but as you didn’t I think you can’t really insist on marriage.

I do agree it’s left you vulnerable. I would try to make sure that there is life insurance/death in service benefits signed to you or children, similarly with pension to go to you if he dies. Also think a proper will would be a good idea. After that- well, you can’t make him marry you or sign over half the house. You could speak to him, but I think handing down pronouncements as to what he “must do” is more likely to cause him to dig his heels in.

I think you need to state your intention to go back to work and why. No dramatics, just statement of facts- I need to go to work for financial security. And then you will need to decide between you the changes in workload thst will result/how you organise childcare.

From his point of view, perhaps he wonders why you are so keen to get married now when it’s not been a big issue before? Maybe he feels that now there are assets and an inheritance you are insistent on marriage but when there wasn’t you were happy to remain unmarried. Perhaps he thinks you want to get married for security because you are thinking of splitting up but haven’t yet as you wouldn’t get the house and half the savings and inheritance. I’m not saying that is your reasoning, but it is one potential interpretation.

RickiTarr · 16/01/2021 15:47

I’ve asked him now he slept on it if he could give me a reason why he doesn’t want to marry me. He couldn’t give one

He isn’t likely to say “because I want to keep all my money to myself” is he?

My youngest is 8 so it’s not like I suddenly have become a gold digger and just will demand half of his
I’ve done a lot of crying already today. He sent me a message saying is it all over then between us as I told him I had enough. He clearly loves his assets more than me

Oh OP. You poor thing. Start making plans.

VinylDetective · 16/01/2021 15:47

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Op has had free accommodation for herself.she’s unwaged and has not had to work.he’s bankrolled her lifestyle
Or supported his family.
BumbleBiscuit · 16/01/2021 15:47

@StandingMirror it’s only in last two years I’ve beginning to feel unwanted etc as clearly if he loved me he would propose

No he wouldn’t. Love has nothing to do with it at this stage as you’ve let it get to far. He’s protecting HIS assets. You have nothing and should the relationship end you will leave with nothing.

This story should be a warning to women everywhere!!

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 16/01/2021 15:49

It’s not just his family,they’re a unit.
If the man gets an invoice for her tasks she should get invoice for free lifestyle

AaronPurr · 16/01/2021 15:50

I’ve done a lot of crying already today. He sent me a message saying is it all over then between us as I told him I had enough.

Eeek, i'm sorry OP. I was another who was going to say don't rock the boat as he could (and probably will) leave you with nothing.

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